Impromptu Parking Lot

It takes about 9ish hours to drive from my house to Anaheim California.  Not a bad trip really.  As some of you know I recently went to Disneyland...yes, again.  Anyway, we were right on schedule to arrive in Anaheim at about 3pm.  Which is perfect because if you hit L.A. any later than that you will be enjoying a lengthy interaction with rush hour traffic.  For those of you who don't know, there is pretty much one way into LA county.  We were on that road, when we hit bumper to bumper traffic.  After about 30 minutes of driving at 2mph we finally pulled off to the side of the road.  yes my friends- we parked our car on the freeway.  We joined what looked like 20 or so other cars on the shoulder and got out for a little stroll.  About five minutes after we stopped, the entire freeway shut down.  Everyone was forced to turn their cars off and just wait.  Hundreds of cars were parked on the road.  Awesome.  The interesting part of the whole experience for me was watching the reactions of other people.  There were a few choice words thrown around by one or two men in their shirt and ties but for the most part, everyone was super calm about it.  People pulled out footballs and were playing games.  The guy in front of me pulled out a bag of chips and a mountain dew and just sat on his car.  Everyone just accepted it and made the most of the situation.  I really was stunned by the whole thing and couldn't help asking myself, "if this happened at the point of the mountain in Utah, would my fellow motorists be this calm?"  Sadly I had to answer myself that no, I don't believe they would be.  I could be wrong...but honestly I hope I never get to find out.  The freeway, after 3 hours, finally opened up just in time for us to his rush hour traffic.  So after adding on about 5 hours to my trip we did eventually make it into Anaheim...where all my dreams came true!... okay they didn't.  But I did have an amazing two days in my favorite place ever!

Not My First Trip

So...as many of you know I am no stranger to awkward experiences.  And guess what? I'm about to share another one.  First- the reader's digest version of the story:

About 3 or 4 years ago (I can't remember now) this guy found me on facebook and asked me on a date.  My first reaction was to say no but my mom gave me the "you need to be more open minded" lecture and I relented and said yes.  He took me to tucanos for dinner which would have been fun except my jaw was locked at the time so I really couldn't chew anything but pineapple.  The wait to get in was over an hour so I asked a lot of questions and tried to be a fun date.  While waiting we ran into my brother's friend and he says to me, "so, how long have you two been dating?".  Umm...nope. we aren't.  As we are eating dinner, the waiter then asks, "how long have you two been married?"  Later in the meal my date keeps saying awkward things to me like, "you have a really beautiful mouth"  by this point in the date I have already figured out that I will not need a second date with this guy.  After dinner we went to twilight (I think) and after the movie he tells me that I look like Kristen Stewart.  I hate Kristen Stewart.  so not a good move on his part. 
After the date I tell him thanks but that I really am not interested in going out again but somehow the guy talks me into another date.  I still to this day am not sure how he managed that.  Anyway- he is divorced with two kids and over the next few weeks he starts showing up, with his kids, to the mall to take me to lunch on my breaks.  Which some people might find charming but his kids were fighting over who got to sit by me and the little girl would scream and cry if I didn't hold her.  It was really weird.  He went to Hawaii and sent me a post card.  He would leave poems and pictures of roses he had drawn out of letters and symbols on my facebook wall.  he would send me long messages of nonsense.  I ended up going out with him a few more times (even though I really didn't want to) and finally I just told him we were done and were never going to be more than friends.  He asked if we could still see each other and go on dates and I said no.  So he un-friended me on facebook and stopped talking to me.  Perfect.  I never thought of this guy again.  Until this last Friday night.  dun dun dun...

Friday and Saturday this last week I was asked to sing at a family festival with the Hale center theater orem.  I got up, sang my song for a few hundred people, then went to the side of the stage to wait for the others to finish singing their songs.  As I'm standing there talking to a friend I feel a tap on my shoulder.  I turn around and there is this guy from three years ago.  This is how the conversation went:

Guy:  Hey, you did a really great job!
Me: Oh hey! Thank you.  How've you been?
Guy: How do I know you??
At this point I'm totally shocked.  What do you mean HOW do you know me?  I may not remember the names of all my blind dates but I do remember THEM.  Especially people I've been out with more than one time.  But hey if he didn't remember I sure wasn't going to be the one to remind him.
Me: oh gosh it was so long ago I'm not totally sure.  Maybe facebook?!
Guy: oh okay my name is so and so... and great job on your song.
Me: Thanks!

He walks away leaving me to wonder...did he really not remember a whole month of his life?  Or was he just testing me to see if I would say something?  Maybe he was crazy stalker date with every girl and just had so many he doesn't remember me.  Just because I never forget anyone's face doesn't mean everyone else is the same.  Maybe he got in a horrible accident and suffered memory loss.  Or maybe he is just awkward and instead of being an adult (in his thirties) and just saying "hi how are you?" he decided to play games and try and make me feel bad/awkward for the past.  But I don't.  I was honest from the beginning and he manipulated me and my emotions, dragging the whole thing out longer than it needed to be.  If he was hurt it was his own fault, but apparently he recovered just fine and has blocked the whole experience out of his mind.  Thank you ten second tom for, what was to me, an unforgettable experience.  But I am sorry to inform you that was not my first trip around the awkward block. 

Stranger Danger?

I love dressing up.  I love that Halloween is a nationally sanctioned excuse to dress up as someone other than me.  I love fall, I love candy, I love Halloween movies...Hocus Pocus anyone?  This year it took me forever to come up with a costume.  Usually I've got it planned by June so I have time to create whatever dreadfully expensive and elaborate idea I've thought up but this year- nothing.  Finally a few weeks ago the idea to be Kat Von D popped into my head and I went with it. 

A costume like that still takes a few hours so I started getting ready in shifts.  I put on all my tattoos (except the sleeves) and half of my make up and then went shopping with some friends.  Halfway through our excursion I forgot all about the giant tattoo I had on my neck.  As I'm walking around I notice people staring at me... but then when I look up they look away quickly.  Or there were the other ones who didn't look away and gave me their best look of disgust.  I couldn't figure out why people were judging me.  And then I remembered the tattoos. 

Anyone who knows me well or for any length of time knows I'm about as straight laced as they come.  I have never before been judged by mass quantities of strangers.  What started as a quick trip to find my friend a costume turned into a really great learning experience for me.  I suddenly understood what it felt like to be judged completely by what I looked like.  I was categorized because of a $5 stick on tattoo.  It really felt awful. These people wrote me off without knowing a single thing about me.  I knew it was a temporary tattoo and that tomorrow people would stop judging me on it...but to know that happens to people all the time just makes me feel kind of sick.  And it's not just tattoos or piercings but we lump people into categories all the time.  That's what people do right? I can't change that.  But what I can change is the way I respond to people.  I like to think I'm a little more open minded than my "friends" in walmart (yeah of all places right?) but I will for sure be more aware of my thoughts and action toward others.  Maybe even smile at strangers.  I like to give people to benefit of the doubt- you never know when they will surprise you. 

I Have But One Regret...

I don't really believe in regret.  I mean, I believe it's a real thing but I don't let myself dwell on the past.  It can't be changed so the best thing to do is learn what you need to learn and move onto your future.  Because of this philosophy I don't really think about the regrets I have in life...mostly I tell myself I don't have any.  But if I'm being honest with myself I do.  Some are bigger than others of course but there is something to learn from them all:

1. I regret not starting voice lessons sooner. 
  I hate that I let my fear of failure and the opinions of others prevent me from doing what I loved for so long! If I had just jumped in with both feet I maybe wouldn't still get so nervous when I sing in front of people.

2.  I regret not using the recording studio time I won at N.A.T.S. two years ago.  I couldn't decide what I wanted to sing so I threw it under my bed and forgot about it until it had expired.  Awesome right.  Just throw away a couple hundred dollars. 

3.  I regret not driving across the freeway to spend more time with Carly.  We were best friends since we were six years old.  Then we went to different high schools and I didn't ever see her.  When I got my license I should have driven the ten minutes to hang out.  Now I don't have the option. 

4.  I had an Ex (who will remain nameless) that treated me like a queen and I didn't appreciate him.  I don't regret our breaking up- I just wish I would have treated him better while we were together.  He really was a great guy.  Just not for me.

That is not bad right? four major regrets in 29 years.  But like I said, I can't change the choices I made.  So what did I learn?  I learned that fear can steal quite a bit of your life before you even realize it's happened.  I learned that I can't let my fear of failure prevent me from trying things.  It's okay to not be perfect at everything.  I learned that if you don't make decisions on your own life and the passage of time will take the decision away from you.  The opportunity of a lifetime is only good for the lifetime of the opportunity.  The door closed on my free recording time -because I let it.  I wasn't sure what I wanted so I ended up with nothing.  Something would have been better than what I've got now.  I learned that great friendships are deserving of my time.  That I need to take advantage of the time I have with people because they will be gone some day.  And although I cherish the memories we have...It would have been great to have more.  And finally I learned that I need to treat people better!  Even if I do want them to go away... it's better to be honest than to drag someone along.  As uncomfortable as it is- I need to always be honest and upfront with people and appreciate all the great qualities they have to offer. So you see, regret can be a good thing if it propels us forward and ultimately helps us to become a better version of ourselves.  I know I am better for every one of these experiences. 

Do I Look Fat In This...??

Entrapment:  The luring by a law-enforcement agent of a person into committing a crime.  Okay- you are thinking "wow, that was random"  but I promise you it is NOT.  you have all hear the question, "Do I look fat in this..."  Same concept.  Person A lures person B into committing a crime.  They either have to lie or get in trouble for offending person A. 

Moral of the story: 

    DO NOT ask questions you don't really want the answers to. 

I taught myself this lesson a few years ago and have saved myself from unnecessary emotional wreckage.  How does one learn this lesson?  The key is- not to ask them until you are prepared to hear and accept ANY answer.  I usually think out the questions I'm going to ask.  Then I prepare myself for all the worst possible answers to the question.  If I am or can get to a point where I can accept the worst answer- then I allow the question to be asked out loud.  If I am not okay with the worst possible answer I don't let myself ask the question.  If I can handle the worst I can for sure handle the best. 

so to everyone in my life- if I ask you an awkward or uncomfortable question you don't have to worry about giving me the "right" answer- if I'm asking I've thought it through and I REALLY want to know the honest answer.  I suggest everyone learn this strategy.  Why? Because if you always ask questions expecting a specific answer you will be disappointed more often than not.  Also- Entrapment is never cool.  It's unfair and creates tension where it doesn't need to be.  So if you aren't prepared to hear that you look fat in that dress- don't ask!!

A Good Man Is Hard To Find...

You know how they tell you that if you want to achieve something you should visualize it.  Picture yourself doing/being something.  Well I totally support that theory and I realized that I don't do it very often anymore.  Especially with dating...I can tell you what I DON'T want in a guy but I might have a hard time telling you what I do want.  I mean, besides the obvious- good hygiene, a job, active in the church.  Those are the three basics but beyond that....who knows. 
That being said I decided to start putting some thought into this particular subject and what better model for the ideal man than to turn to the ultimate source... Jane Austin.  Girl knows her stuff. 

For most people the first Austin character who comes to mind is none other than Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice.   Mr. Darcy is not really my ideal man.  I do admire that he says what he thinks and is super observant.  He is also very rich...not a bad incentive.  However he lacks a sense of humor and he is a bit on the arrogant side.  He also has a horrible family. I would like to get along with my in-laws if possible. 

Col. Brandon, from Sense and Sensibility- not really my type either he is a little old.  He does have his good points as well- He knows what he wants and he is patient in getting it.  Really level headed guy and a gracious loser.  His qualities are to be admired but I need a man who doesn't let go so easily.  His confidence is a lacking and he almost loses the girl because of it.

Okay I cheated- I know this one is not an Austin man but he's still a good one.  Mr. Thornton from North and South.  He is a little hard. He works hard and doesn't really play.  He's educated and takes the time to better himself.  He supports his family and treats his momma well.  He speaks his thoughts with blunt honesty.  He has a bit of a temper but can be reigned in by a good persuasive woman.  This one is a pretty good one- I mean, he's got an awesome accent and Also, he is probably one of the best kissers I've ever seen ;) (maybe because he's NOT an Austin man)

Another good one from Sense and Sensibility- I do love me some Edward Farris.  He is easy going- doesn't take himself too seriously. He is loyal and honest.  He is kind and super thoughtful.  But he is almost too loyal- he almost misses out on his woman because he follows his conscience more strictly than his heart.  Which is great- unless I'm the one being given up.  But he is getting closer to the ideal man.  If we could put him and Mr. Thornton together we might be almost there. 

Mr. Knightly.  The hero from Emma.  Yep I think this is the one closest to my ideal. He is smart, successful, patient, thoughtful, kind, and honest.  He says what he thinks but he does it with tact.  He knows what he wants and he never takes his eye off the target.  But the thing I love the most, the very most, is that he gives Emma her way most of the time, he plays along with her ridiculous ideas but when she crosses the line, he calls her out on it and brings her back in line. My favorite line from the movie is, "Badly done Emma.  Badly done."  Maybe that sounds weird that I love that about him.  It's not though.  Like most women I like to get my own way 99% of the time- but I don't want a man that lets me walk all over him.  I need a man who isn't afraid of me and who respects me enough to stop me from doing something I'll regret later. But he needs to, like Mr. Knightly, understand exactly where that line is.  yep, If only I could find one of those....

What is that whistling sound?

Sometimes I wonder about mom's here in Utah county.  At the Gap we are getting new hardwood floors.  FINALLY!! They look awesome.  anyway, these new floors won't be completely done for about a month.  That means that right now our floors are plywood.  Unfinished, rough cut, splintery wood floors.  The floors aren't so bad when they are first laid but after a few days of fixtures being dragged across them and shoppers with strollers- there is chipping and breaking...  With that in mind I will tell you that today I saw 3 different toddlers running around the store with no shoes on.  Um, Mom your kid is going to get a dirty splinter in their foot and you are at the mall without tweezers.  So maybe either put the kid in the stroller you insisted on bringing in with you or put some dang shoes on the kid...it's really not rocket science.  Do what is best for you kids, not just what they like the best! 
Another mom- decided she would slide across the one finished section of floor with her boys.  Only problem was- mom was wearing heels.  Nice.  I wanted to tap her on the shoulder and say, "mom, how would you like it if I came into your newly remodeled kitchen and slid across your floors in my 4" heels?  Across those brand new floors you've been waiting ten years for- oh and I'm going to come do it before they are even done.  Before you have had a chance to see the finished product."  seriously I don't know what goes through these people's heads- besides air that is.   

 

I'd rather scrub the toilet

I would say I am a pretty organized and clean person.  I don't mind doing dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, etc.  I can do almost any chore/task and be fine- even enjoy it a little.  I will confess that there are two things I just don't like to do.  Not only do I not "like" to do them, it almost kills me to do them.  I put them off and off until I can't put it off anymore.  What are these horrific tasks? 
1.  Cutting my bangs.  I don't know why I hate to do it so much.  I cut people's hair all the time.  I guess if I had to come up with a reason I would say it's because I have to leave my eyes open and then I get hair slivers in my eyes.  Also, right after I cut them I have a hard time pulling them back- they are not long enough to stay in the bobby pins.
2.  Putting my laundry away.  I don't mind washing it but I just hate putting it away.  In fact, most of the time, I just wear my clothes off the dryer or off the end of my bed.  even right now I'm sitting across from a laundry basket of clean clothes that has been sitting on the fireplace for a week and a half.  (yes I still have enough clothing that I can leave half of it on the dryer for two weeks and not have a problem getting dressed).  I guess it has something to do with the fact that I work in a retail clothing store.  I put clothes away all the time and I guess when I get home the last thing I want to do is fold and put away more clothes.  Because at home no one is paying me to do it. 

I know they are ridiculous things.  But I kid you not, I'd rather clean the toilet or scrub the floor than put my clean clothes back where they go.  A minor vice- but I'm sure it will drive my future husband crazy.  Unless I no longer work retail- then maybe I can over come this flaw.  maybe. 

It Doesn't Have To Be So Bad...

Here are a few tips for successful dating.  I know that sounds ridiculous coming from me since I'm still single but I have been on A LOT of dates.  I see the same mistakes made over and over.  And really when I want to be, I can be a really really fun date.  So I think more people should not discount my advice.  I have directed my post toward men but ladies you can for sure benefit from this as well.  Most of these go both ways.  I only direct it toward men because typically they are the ones asking and planning the dates...or at least they should be.  (yes this is for real)

10.  Don't talk about the money you are spending.  $5 or $50 just don't bring it up, even jokingly.  It makes us feel a little awkward/guilty and it's kind of tacky.  You planned the date- if it's too expensive you should have planned something cheaper. 

9.  Don't over do your first date.  Keep it simple with lots of opportunity to talk.  If you can't carry on a conversation on the first date you might as well cut your losses now.  A more elaborate/expensive date does not guarantee she will like you more.  In fact it might be the opposite.

8.  if she doesn't return your call/texts- don't keep trying.  If the world were fair, She would just tell you she's not interested but let's be honest- most girls won't just come out and say it.  so salvage your pride and let it go.  If she changes her mind she's got your number. 

7.  Don't come on too strong.  Show your interest but give her a chance to miss you!  If your date is fantastic it's fine to text her the next day but don't over do it.  Allow her time to figure out if she likes you...let her think about you.  She can't do that if you don't give her some space.  Leave the conversation at a high point...leave her wanting more.  Think about it- Even if you love cheesecake you will be sick of it if someone asked you to eat too much of it at once.  Same idea here. Give her just enough to stay interested.

6. Don't get too physical too fast.  Even if a date is going well you might ruin things for the future if you push too fast.  Your date may leave feeling like that's all you want.  As the saying goes:

5.  Don't try to sell yourself to her- Ask her questions.  Find out about her!! Then Listen when she answers you.  That is the easiest way to keep a conversation going and figure out if you are compatible with this person. 

4. be respectful of your date and of their time.  People are busy these days.  If someone has taken time to go out with you- be fun.  use your time together well-don't play video games/watch YouTube videos/get stuck talking to other people, etc. (those have their time and place but not on a first or second date and please use in moderation) Men open doors and ladies thank him for it!

3.  Do Not text while on your date.  In fact, unless you have an emergency (which you should probably reschedule your date if that is the case) don't even take your phone out.  Turn it off.  Put it away.  Be in the moment.  You can talk to anyone else when you get home.

2.  Do not talk about ex's, past dates, other people you are attracted too.  unless for some freak reason it is relevant to the conversation and then don't dwell on it.  Live in the present. 

1.  Do not air all your dirty laundry.  We all have our past- your date doesn't need to know every thing you've ever done wrong in your lifetime.  Give them a chance to get to know who you are NOW before you tell them how you got there.  Telling your date too much before they are ready to hear it is an unfair position to put them in.

To Crush or Not to Crush?

I am going to go out on a limb and assume that most of you have had a crush on a person at some point in your life.  So you are pretty familiar with a "crush".  They call it that because you pretty much end up like this coke can here.  You obsess over this person.  You get butterflies everytime you see them.  They can pretty much do NO wrong.  You justify everything they do to manipulate the facts so that you still think there might be hope that this person could possibly return your feelings.  In the end, they usually don't and your hopes as well as your feelings...and usually your self-esteem end up "crushed".  Hence the name. 

Are we all clear on that?  Good.  Now let me explain a term less well known but one I am very very fond of.  A crinkle.  Yes you heard me right.  Fortunately, I have not had a crush since I was 21yrs old but I do at times harbor a crinkle.  What the heck is a crinkle?  Let me enlighten you. 

A crinkle is a low level crush but more than a passing interest.  A crinkle can dissipate as quickly as it develops.  It is an interest in someone but not one with a deep emotional connection.  A crinkle can be eradicated if that person says or does something stupid, doesn't reciprocate the interest, etc... Your hopes are not pinned on this person and you do not need to build them up or justify their actions.  It is possible, and highly likely, that a person will have more than one crinkle at a time.  If things don't work out you just move on.  Much like this piece of paper.  It's crinkled, but smooth it out a little and it's still usable. Unlike the crushed can.     

The reason for this post?  I was confessing a crinkle a few weeks ago to a good friend and she was not even sure what I meant...so hopefully I have cleared up any confusion between the terms.  :)  Crinkles are far less exhausting.  But they are also not as exciting.  And maybe a little more confusing- since your feelings can change from hour to hour.  So, if you suffer from either I wish you luck! 

 

And the Rains Came Tumbling Down

It rained today.  I love when it rains.  Maybe because it doesn't happen very often here in Utah but when it does...look out- cause it's awesome.  When it started to rain tonight I took a walk outside.  Yep, I walked barefoot in the rain.  I let my hair get wet and frizzy and I enjoyed every minute of it.  While I was out pretending to be a crazy person I remembered another day I walked in the rain...

I was 22 years old and in my 3rd year at BYU.  I had just finished a dance class in the Wilkinson center which is on the east side of campus and had about 8 minutes (after I changed out of my practice skirt and heels) to get to my next class on the west side of campus in the Richards building ( for those who don't know, the RB is down hill, down a VERY big hill with lots of stairs)  Walking quickly it takes the full 8 minutes.  As I approached the glass doors to exit the wilk I was horrified.  Sheets of rain were being dumped from the clouds.  I had a slight moment of panic when I realized I couldn't wait it out.  So I hiked up my big girl panties and pushed the doors open and started walking.  Unfortunately, I was in flip flops.  Have you ever tried to walk in water wearing flip flops?  It's suicide.  Not having time to walk carefully I took the dumb things off and kept right on walking.  I finally made it to the RB, walked through the class room door and was met with stunned faces.  My teacher looked horrified.  I was literally dripping.  My shirt was soaked to my skin and my hair was drenched.  I looked like I had just climbed in the shower fully clothed and then decided to come to class that way. 
Please remember that I have naturally wavy hair so as it dried I looked worse and worse.  Plus I had a couple more hours of sweaty dance classes so yeah... I looked awesome!  By the time I got home there was really no point in fixing myself up...I mean, half of BYU campus had already seen me and I was just going to bed soon anyway.  Oh except I didn't go to bed right away.... I rarely slept during this year of my life ( my roommates were too much fun to sleep). 

My roommates and I were throwing a dessert party on Sunday (this was Friday) and we decided we needed to go shopping for baking ingredients.  None of us really dated at BYU, probably because we had too much fun together.  So to Macey's grocery store on a Friday night we went.  We finished shopping and loaded up my trunk and began our drive back to our apartment south of campus.  I stopped at a light and a car pulled up next to us.  A car full of boys who were singing along to their music.  Awesome!  As the light changed my roommate in the back seat waved goodbye to the car full of men.  We drove straight.  They turned right.  The next thing I knew they had circled the block and pulled up on my driver's side.  The guy in the passenger seat asked where we were going and then asked if they could come.  I told him sure- the kid looked about 18 and I was 100% positive they were not really going to come...and if they did they wouldn't stay long.  As we pulled into the parking lot my roommate got out to tell them where to park and informed me that I had been wrong.  They were most definitely NOT 18.  whoops.  We ran upstairs, threw all our junk down the hall and closed the door.  A few seconds later I opened the door to a very tall good looking brunette who had been talking on his phone but was now starring at me.  At that point I remembered that I had not fixed myself from my mid-day jaunt through the rain and probably looked worse than a drowned rat.  Great. 

Well, these guys stayed for hours, called several of their friends and before we knew it we went from the single girls with no dates to the girls with 12 hotties in their apartment.  By the end of the night that good looking brunette had my number and he and his friends were coming back on Sunday for dessert night.  Which then turned into a 3 month relationship for me, super creative fun new friends, and a future marriage for one of those fantastic roommates of mine.  And that is the story I remembered in the rain tonight...that sometimes great experiences come from seemingly bad luck, that sometimes there are people who find you beautiful even when you don't feel it, and that you never know what adventures lay just around the corner....

Sometimes You Are Such A Girl

Men are always complaining that we women expect them to read our minds.  But I just need to say that men do the same thing!  Let me give you an example.  Today is my dad's birthday.  He sat around the house all day and did nothing.  That was his present to himself.  His only homework for the day was to pick where he wanted to eat dinner.  My mom and I went to education week at BYU and when we got home this is what transpired:

mom:  So, where would you like to go eat for your birthday dinner??
Dad:  Oh, I don't know.  Anywhere is fine.
Mom: okay then we are going to Costa Vida since it's close and easy.

Dad puts his shoes on and everyone gets in the car.  When we pull up to Costa Vida this is the conversation that took place:

Dad: have you ever eaten here before?
mom: no but Lori said it was good.
Dad: well I really wanted breakfast.
Mom:  why didn't you say that when I asked you?
Dad: because you had your mind set on this place already. (in his best pouting voice)

Seriously dad?  You had all day to think about it.  When asked you said you didn't know.  We go somewhere and NOW you have a sudden craving for breakfast?!?!  I just need to say that sometimes men are more like women than they take credit for.  Games like this are stupid...I think both genders should just say what they want instead of making the other jump through hoops to figure it out.  I do have to admit that tonight the role reversal was pretty funny. 

Happiness In Store- FALSE!

Some people are just crazy.  Tonight I learned that an employee at Petsmart feels that gold fish have more rights than people.  Yep.  I am not kidding.  Every year we (we means the Gap) volunteer to help with a carnival for big brothers big sisters non profit organization.  We have to host two carnival stations and one of them is the gold fish toss.  Get a ball into a jar and you get a goldfish to take home.  Today I called Petsmart to see how many goldfish they had in the store because we needed about 100 fish.  What happened to me when I called?....well, the associate was SO RUDE!!!

me: hi, how many fish can I buy at a time?
Girl:  that depends.
Me: Depends on what?
Girl: what are you feeding?
Me: I am not feeding anything I'm giving them away
Girl: did I talk to you ten minutes ago.
Me: No.  You didn't talk to ME.  But how many fish can I buy?
Girl: well what are you feeding?
Me: I already told you I'm not feeding anything I'm giving them to under privileged children.
Girl: well petsmart's policy is no fish for carnivals, weddings, or parties.


Um, I'm sorry.  What?!  You are refusing to sell me goldfish?  how often do they sell $30 worth of goldfish?  They are going to die in two days anyway- right?!  so let me get this straight- it's not okay to give the fish away because it might kill them but it is okay to FEED them to another fish???  Isn't the outcome the same.  Either way the fish dies.  So sell me the dumb fish and make your customers happy.  It is not any of your business what I'm doing with the fish.  You are a retailer and your job is to sell things, not to pry into my business and make sure what I'm doing fits into your moral standards.  What would happen if I did that in my store? 

customer: I'd like to buy this lingerie
Me:  what are you using it for? Are you married?
Customer: No.
Me: oh well then I can't sell it to you.

Ridiculous right?!  you just don't do that to your customers!

My head of store went into petsmart anyway to buy the fish and they refused to sell the fish.  Surprise!  We had purchased a gift card for the purpose of buying the fish and the store refused to return the gift card.  So we called the corporate offices and turns out that harassing customers is NOT their policy.  They do sell fish for carnivals- especially for a non profit organization.  They really didn't fix anything though.  We still had to go to walmart and buy the fish over there.  Because petsmart is a little too involved in the lives of their customers and some how have the confused idea that goldfish have more rights that humans... I mean why not right? They have what? a 5 second memory...seems logical that an employee would be rude to a customer to protect those rights.  Um actually no it does not.  For a store whose motto is "happiness in store" they sure do a crappy job of making their customers happy.  I will never shop at petsmart!  Worst store ever!!!

Um...My Eyes are Up Here....

I am going to tell y'all about an awkward moment I had yesterday.  Hopefully it doesn't offend anyone reading. 

So sometimes my friend Amanda and I drive up to cottonwood heights to visit a very good friend of ours at her ward.  Yesterday we were sitting by her.  The meeting ended and we were kind of boxed into our row.  Amanda and I were talking and the guy behind us decided to join in...this is how the events played out.

Boy: you girls want to get out?
Me: yes actually.
Boy: Are you hungry?
Me: starving.
Boy: great, what are you making me for dinner?
Me: um...well that would be difficult since I don't have a kitchen up here.
Boy: where do you live?
Me: Pleasant Grove
Boy: oh why are you guys up here?
Me: we are visiting Amy.
Boy: oh well we are having games at his (Amy's boyfriend) house.
Random friend: no we are not, so and so is moving in
boy: we are not having game night.  But you should come to some of these other activities.
Boy: stops talking and stares at my chest. 

At this point I was a little surprised that he wasn't more stealth about it, usually by his age (mid twenties) guys have gotten a little more discreet in these situations.  I looked at Amanda to see if she had seen it too and for sure she had.  We had a conversation via eye contact that said, "did that really just happen?"  which I'm pretty sure he saw because he immediately switched his attention to Amanda and started talking to her. 

I honestly can say that has never happened to me before.  I have talked to several friends about it happening to them but never to me.  And really, to be fair to this guy - I got a sunburn on my chest on Saturday and my dress didn't exactly line up with it.  So I am pretty positive he was looking at my sunburn but why was he so awkward?  I can think of a million ways he could have made that NOT awkward.  Like just say something! "I like your dress"  "are you sunburned?"  anything! anything is better than just leaving someone to wonder what you were looking at.  boys can be so awkward sometimes!

On one condition

Dreams are awesome.  And random.  Last night I had a dream I was driving and a giant seagull landed on the roof of my car.  It could talk of course, because that's totally a normal thing for a bird to do.  For some reason I decided to let the bird ride in my car.  On one condition of course...can you guess what it was?   "I will let you ride right here if you promise not to poop on the seats".  What else would I have asked a seagull.  The best part about this is I hate seagulls.  I have been pooped by two different seagulls in my life and I'm pretty sure they have it out for me.  So basically what I'm saying is I have no idea where a dream like that comes from. 

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Clip In Your Long Hair...

Yes I am still alive.  I know my posts have been few and far between lately...but you can't rush inspiration.  Last year for Halloween I bought hair extensions so I could make my Dorothy costume look more legit.  Then after Halloween, having spent quite a bit of money on them I decided I would just go ahead and use them every once in awhile.  Mostly I add them to my updo's to make my hair look thicker but every now and again I will just curl all my hair and wear it down.  It's kind of fun- My own hair used to be close to the same length as my extensions (middle of my back-ish) but it was never this thick.  Whenever I wear them I usually get a few compliment from women about how pretty my hair looks.  All the while trying not to be offended that it only looks that pretty because it is fake and unnaturally perfect.  Anyway- back to the point of this blog.  Today was one of those days where I just wanted to jazz things up.  My extensions were washed and curled so I clipped them in and went to church.
I sat next to my nephew toward the front of the chapel and in the row in front of me there were 3 guys.  As I am looking at the speaker and listening to announcements I suddenly feel some one's hand on my leg.  I look over and one of the guys in front of me, we will call him Flynn, has turned around and is touching me.  I brushed his hand off and he told me my hair looked good today.  I told him it was fake and he said it didn't matter.  Although he didn't touch me again, Flynn continued to distract me and draw my attention for the remainder of the meeting.  This is not uncommon for Flynn- he tends to be a bit bipolar with me.  One day we are friends and talking, the next he treats me as if I'm not fit to breath the same oxygen as him.  After about 4 years, it's something I've come to expect and deal with pretty well.  To be truthful, he actually is a pretty cool guy when he wants to be and I have a lot of respect for him in many areas.  Anyway- the meeting ended and I went to teach my Sunday school class.  Halfway through the class Flynn came in and actually participated.  Which was great! I love that about my class- everyone talks. 
Class ended and I went to relief society.  But before I made it all the way to the classroom,  I was standing in the hallway talking to a friend of mine and Flynn walks behind me and plays with my hair.  My friend's face was priceless- it basically said, "what the heck?"  Then a few minutes later I was talking to another friend and Flynn came over and started talking to me and pushing me toward the classroom in his own way of being playful.  It was fine- but it was weird.  He usually doesn't even acknowledge my existence let alone talk to me repeatedly in a day.  Then I remembered that he likes long dark hair.  And today, that's what I had.  I've been told that a lot of guys like long hair I just never really understood how much.  I had no idea that $50 and 20 minutes with a curling iron could get a girl so much attention.  It's crazy- the extensions really don't change my appearance very much.  Some people didn't even notice the difference.  But apparently 8-10 inches can change you from a parasite to a princess.  Who knew?

Please Just Stay Home

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt!.  Amen!

There once was a time in my life when I lived and worked in a county full of people with some weird ideas and who take offense at every turn.  You are probably all aware that in retail we dress mannequins.  These mannequins do not change themselves.  The associates in the store periodically have to strip them of one outfit to replace a new and more current outfit.  Just the other day one of the male associates I work with was doing just that.  He was in the women's department updating the visuals in the front of the store when a woman approached him.  She said something along these lines, "I don't think it's appropriate for you to be dressing that mannequin."   Um, uptight much?  He wasn't feeling her up- he was putting clothes on a life size doll.  First of all...the mannequins are not exactly anatomically correct.  Also they are grey tinted plastic.  Oh and also if those first two didn't make it totally appropriate- because maybe you still think somehow they might be mistaken for a real person, um- they have no heads.  I have decided that some people need to get out more OR, better yet,  find hobbies that keep them inside and away from normal people.  If they stay inside they can't say stupid things that make them sound absolutely ridiculous. 

Just When You Think Things Are Quiet

So today I headed over to the salon to do a basic all over color.  My client wanted her extensions colored and I have never colored extensions before.  To make it even better, she is getting married in a week.  I didn't want bride-zilla on my hands so I went to the salon early to ask a co-worker, Melissa, about this color line and how I should formulate for the extensions.  Turns out Melissa's color client had cancelled and she was procrastinating running some errands.  She and I were just sitting at our stations talking about extension and other things when a woman came into the salon.  I had not met her or my client so I at first thought it might be my client.  Turns out she was the woman who lives next door.  she came in to say hello.  We talked to her for a few minutes and then she bent over and was looking at the floor.  Melissa and I both just sort of looked at each other in confusion- she was bent over for a long time.  Then she walked over to another station and opened a color book.  I noticed at this point that she was shaking slightly.  Another few seconds went by- she had opened the 3 ring book and was trying to put the swatches back in but was shaking more and more.  Melissa went over to help but she wouldn't let her.  Melissa told her she should sit down but she refused.  Then Melissa told her it was time to go home and she said no. She couldn't.  At this point Melissa looked at me and I jumped up to call 911.  I had no idea if she was on drugs...wasn't on drugs she should be on...who knew.  All I knew is there was a lady convulsing in my salon where there are scissors, razors, and sharp things and she refused to leave. 
First 911 call...I had no idea how many questions they ask.  After they got my address, which I barely could remember from all the adrenaline pumping through my body, they asked me the woman's name.  Which I couldn't remember at all.  Then they started asking me questions about if she was pregnant? Does she have diabetes?  Um, remember how I told you she lives next door and I just met her 30 seconds ago.  I have no idea if she could be pregnant.  Anyway- about halfway through the call as I'm waiting for the cops to show up she has a full on seizure and crashes to the floor.  She passed out just before the cop arrived.  Then the paramedics showed up.  Our whole salon parking lot was full of emergency vehicles.  As all this was happening my client showed up.  Awesome.  I guess it's a good thing the salon wasn't full of people and that Melissa didn't leave me alone.  I probably would have freaked out had I had to deal with that myself.  The paramedic on his way out was saying, "Now Melissa, next time this happens do this and that".... I was thinking, oh please bless there is NO NEXT TIME!!  ahhh.  My life is full of excitement. 

Now you See it...

Remember my post about the blind date in SLC? The "you look just like Anne Hathaway" date. No? click HERE.  Well friends, a few days ago I got a text from a very dear friend/ old roommate and this is what it said:

"Oh my gosh Lori-Do you remember that awkward date where you went with the boy up to SLC and the recital was in Spanish- I just found a picture of you and a baldish man on facebook.  From the girl who sang in Spanish.  We totally went to high school together- but cute picture of the three of you!"

So apparently this picture is floating on the social network for all the world to see...except for me, because I don't even know who the girl is.  So other people can see a picture of me I've never seen. awesome.  But really funny all at the same time.  Gotta love facebook.

Spaz-tastic Me

So tonight while getting ready for bed...actually, let me back up.  I am leaving my current position at my full time job- which means very shortly I am losing my health insurance which is amazing.  So I've been on a 'stay-cation' for about 1 1/2 weeks now.  using my paid time off.  Anyway, while on this break I decided to take care of stuff that I usually don't make time for.  So this morning I had some blood drawn and then I went and had a really ugly mole removed.  At this point I just want to stop and say that the only people working in the Dr's offices today were attractive 20 something year old men.  I was anticipating an embarrassing moment but to my delight- it never came.
Anyway, the Dermatologist did his thing and put a band aid over it.  I left his office and went about my day.  Part of my day was also phase one of cleaning my car.  Wash it, vacuum out the inside. (phase 2 is on Saturday when I get to scrub and extract the filth from the upholstery.  which I hate but it has to be done.  If anyone wants to help just let me know!). 
Then on to my recital which wasn't horrible- I'm not completely happy with it, but I never am.  Came home and watched a psych episode and started getting ready for bed around 9pm (yes I know that's early but I'm exhausted.  I would be asleep already but I wanted to blog first) 
As I am taking the bobby pins out of my hair I'm looking at the place where he removed my mole and I'm thinking something looks a little off.  I realized the skin around it was lighter than the rest of my skin. I had a brief moment where I thought, "weird, I wonder if the neosporin is bleaching my skin.  But in a perfect circle?"  Seriously- perfectly symmetrical- like a crop circle, only on my neck.  Then I realized that my arms, and chest were sunburned.  And THEN I remembered that he had put a round band aid on my neck and I had it on while washing my car- outside.  My skin isn't bleaching, just everything else around it got darker.  Sometimes I think I should dye my hair blond and just accept my dumb moments.  Either that or I need to get outside more often so I can remember what tan lines look like.  I wish I could have taken a picture but it is so faint that you can't really see it except in person.  But I thought anyone who knows me might enjoy my spacey moment. 

The Drifter

So tonight I almost died. NBD. actually it was a big deal.  My friend Amber and I were driving down to Provo on the I-15 freeway.  Before we even got on the freeway I noticed a lady in a car in front of us- super tailgating the car in front of her.  If you have ever been on Utah roads you know that this is pretty common place.  Where I began to pay closer attention was when she got to the stop sign.  She stopped FOREVER!  It has been my experience that people who are compulsive tailgaters do NOT make complete stops.  Especially when there is no oncoming traffic.  As we continued behind her toward the freeway Amber pointed out that she was having trouble staying in her lines- she almost drove into the orange construction cone.  Anyway, we got in another lane and got on the freeway and I forgot all about her.  At least I did until Amber pointed out that she was somehow in front of us again.  Tailgating an SUV.  Also, swerving like a crazy person.  She almost drove into the cement divider several times.  When she wasn't playing chicken with the cement block she was swerving into the lane to the right of her.  We watched this for a few minutes and then Amber decided she was just going to pass her really fast so that when she did crash into something we wouldn't end up in the aftermath.  Well, that sounded like a great idea until we actually sped up.  Because guess who started drifting again...toward my side of the car.  Amber laid on the horn but it was almost like it drew her in....like a moth to the flame.  I looked over in her car and she was laughing.  Driving right toward my passenger side door, alone in the car, and laughing.  She over corrected and ended up in the other lane again.  At this point Amber just gunned it and got out of there. 
Honestly, I don't know if she was on meds, alcohol, talking on her phone, really tired, or just possessed.  Either way- at 80 mph I really didn't want to get close enough to find out.  And I almost did.  I am 100% positive that if she hadn't corrected at the last second I would not be writing this blog.  I kind of like my life- imperfect as it may be.  I don't appreciate people doing stupid things at high speeds with heavy machinery. 

Never again..

I hate to drink water.  In order for me to drink water one of three conditions has to occur:

1. Exercising
2. just brushed my teeth
3. eating

If one of those three is not happening and I try to drink water I will literally gag.  Not even joking.  I spend most of my life being dehydrated.  Well, this week my brother suggested this stuff called MIO.  Its a sugar free flavoring and it is awesome.  Since I got this stuff I have been drinking about 70 oz of water a day.  Awesome right?  No, not awesome.  With the increase of water I have also increased my restroom visits.  SO annoying!! I hate being bothered with things like that.  I definitely don't enjoy being woken up every morning super early.  I don't like having to stop what I'm doing every two hours...I am still deciding if this drinking water is worth all the changes to my lifestyle.  I'll give it a week- maybe my body will adjust.  If not, I may have to go back to being dehydrated.  I also promise not to make fun of any of my friends who are forever and always in the bathroom. 

Lend Me Your Ear And I'll Sing You A Song...

"What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?...I get by with a little help from my friends" I heard that song tonight and I was thinking how applicable those words are at times in our lives. I started asking myself who are my friends? What does it mean to be a friend?
Last week was kind of hard for me- Not my worst by far, but still pretty emotionally draining. I don't like when people try to intimidate me. I don't like when people try to manipulate me with guilt. And I don't appreciate thinly veiled insults. Especially when these things come from people who are supposed to be my friends. Over the last few weeks I've had several experiences that make me question if some of my friends really know me at all or if they are just my friend when I'm listening to them or supporting them in their concerns. Because lately, with a VERY small number of these friends, I've felt like if I step out of line even a little from what they expect of me they are guilt tripping, manipulating, or just flat out insulting me to get me back in line where they are comfortable.
Turns out some of my "friends" would stand up and walk out on me- and then there are others who have been so supportive. Others who know me so well that they don't condemn me when I say or do something they don't like-but know just the right way to talk to me. They ask just the right questions to understand what is really going on below the surface-because there usually is something. They don't just jump to conclusions and throw my flaws in my face. Truth is, I'm really a happy person. So if i'm snippy or sarcastic or short tempered there is probably something bigger happening behind my "everything is just peachy" facade.
The crappy thing is- I've never been a fighter in these people situations. Goals yes but people no. I don't get angry- I just get numb. When people hurt me I put walls between us so that it can't happen again. That sounds a little unfair right? I know. I can't help it. If I don't feel safe and accepted I close off. I need to know that I can be me, even if it is not happy me.
Don't get me wrong- I've had arguments with friends/family members and they've said harsh things to me- things that affected me for decades. The difference is- I always knew they still loved me. I understood their motivation for saying and doing things that upset me. No matter what happened or was said I knew I was ultimately accepted even if I was driving them crazy at the moment. I guess that's what is missing with these people- I don't know that they would accept me as is, for better or worse. I won't trash talk them. I still think they are/or will be great people ...I'm just not going to line up to be back handed by them again. Perhaps I'm a coward. I am still friends with these people...but the depth of our relationship has changed. Or maybe it never was deep to begin with- maybe I just imagined it was more than it really is or ever would have been. Maybe some day things will change and we can have a great friendship again...but they will have to stop trying to mold me and just take me as I am...flaws, failures, frustrations and all.

"lend me your ear and I'll sing you a song and I'll try not to sing out of key.." I try to be a good person. I try to be a good friend. I try - but I cannot promise I won't fail. The point is- real friends stay and let you try again...even if you fail at perfection.

Take One Down...

I have decided that this summer I am going to try and conquer many of the more realistic items on My Bucket List.  This weekend, I accomplished #95- Ride a zip line.  Done.  Although now that I've done it I want to ride the zip line that goes over Vegas and the huge one in South America- I think it's maybe in Brazil somewhere.  First check mark- 99 to go.

With Skin As White As Snow

My friend Britnee is super woman.  Really she is.  Just last week she coordinated a fundraiser for an elementary school in Orem.  It was basically and outdoor carnival with tons and tons of stations.  A few months ago, in preparation for this carnival she asked me if I could be snow white.  I of course said yes.  I love any excuse to dress up as a princess.  Plus I feel like it justifies how much money I actually spent making the dumb dress.  Anyway, So last Friday night I dressed up and sat in an archway for the princess bean bag toss.  They toss the bean bags and then they get to take a picture with the princess if they want to.  Not hard.  I didn't even have to run the game- just sit there, smile, and wave. 

I have decided that I need to do this stuff more often.  It was great on my self esteem.  Tons of little girls just starring wide eyed at me.  Also hearing things like "Oh! She is Sooooo pretty!"  who doesn't like that?!  At one point Britnee's daughter came over to play and I was a little nervous she would recognize me- since she comes into work all the time with her mom.  But she didn't.  She was all smiles and it made my night.  Later, talking to Britnee I found out that her daughter said, "Mom, how did you get the real snow white to come?"  YES!!  I am convinced it's because my skin really is pale and I don't wear a wig like so many girls do.  I'm real and they are not. Win!! 

As the carnival was winding down I did realize that hundreds of strangers were going home with pictures of me.  That was a little weird, but the girl running the booth pointed out that if I was at Disneyland it would be thousands.  So I decided to not let it bother me.  It was so much fun- the only problem I had was sore cheeks from smiling for 3 hours. 

Some People's Parents

Why do some parents act like they have zero control over what their children do?  let me give you two examples of what I mean. 

1. I am at work.  Super crazy busy and I hear the sound of the towers beeping at the door.  I go up to see what's going on and there is a small child.   Maybe 7 months old crawling on the mall floor (sick btw- I don't even want to know the germs she is picking up since no one even knows the last time that floor was disinfected.  yuck)  But not only is she crawling but she is simultaneously pushing one of our carts (carts we use to fold on) out the door.  On top of this car is a whole bunch of sensors a co-worker had been using.  So as she is pushing the towers are responding to the senors and the parents are just laughing.  Meanwhile I have to stop what I'm doing to take the cart away from the child and bring it back into the store.  Last time I checked mom or dad could have just picked her up and avoided the whole thing.  If not for social reasons for health reasons. 

2.  I went to dinner with some friends and as we are talking we hear this shrill whistle sound.  I look up and there is a toddler at the next table holding a whistle.  Don't worry mom didn't take it away.  She let him continue to blow on it even though is was disturbing to every other patron of the restaurant.  This child is going to be horrible when he grows up because the sister took the whistle and mom got mad at her.  She gave it back to the little boy and he continued to blow on it while mom just smiled. 

Parents.  you are bigger than your kids.  Just take stuff away.  Also, don't sit there and smile at unacceptable behavior.  Your children are going to get arrested because they don't know what is and is not okay in a public venue.  At this stage in life you still have some control over your children- so I suggest you teach them now and not wait until they are teenagers and towering over you.  They can barely walk/talk- don't act like you can't stop them. 

Less Water Works Please

A fact about me: I often feel pain for other people's loss.  Sometimes I hate it.  I'm not saying I want to change that fact but I guess I just wish I could control it a little more. 

Every Sunday on my way to church I have to pass a cemetery.  I don't usually think about it too much or pay attention to it I just know I have to turn there.  Except for yesterday.  As I was approaching the cemetery I noticed a white truck waiting to exit the driveway of the cemetery.  But as I got closer I realized he was not trying to exit at all.  He had missed several clear opportunities to turn onto the street and still just stayed in the driveway.  I noticed that he was an old man- white hair and in a suit.  He was sitting in his car with his hand up covering his eyes.  He was crying.  I assume he was mourning the loss of his wife.  I don't know either of these people but guess what happened to me.  I started crying.  I cried the whole rest of the way to church and had to stay in the parking lot for a minute before I walked in.  can you imagine walking in to church, "Lori, what is wrong?"  "oh nothing.  I just saw someone I don't know crying I started crying as well."  yep that would go over well in a singles ward. 

Then today I was watching "who do you think you are" (because I love genealogy) and as I'm listening to a historian tell Rashida Jones that her Jewish family in Latvia were all exterminated in 1941 I was a mess.  you'd think someone had just told me that MY family had been killed.  Even right now I can hardly see the dumb computer screen because I'm thinking about it.  Why? why can I not just keep it in.  I don't want to change how I feel I just want to be a little less demonstrative.  That's all I really want. 

How Do You Win This Game???

I LOVE to watch dates.  Maybe because I'm not good at dating and I have resigned myself to the fact that I never will be.  I've posted on this topic before (see HERE)... I'm sassy .  I'm direct. I'm smart.  If I want to know something I ask.   This is just not appealing to most men and every time I watch someone on a date I remember why I'm okay with it.  If I am to be single,  and judged by the community at large for my singleness, I wish to at least hold on to my self respect. 

Let me tell you about the date I observed this weekend.  My friend Madison and I saw The Secret Garden at the HCTO and sitting directly in front of us was a couple.  Awesome.  This blog has been lacking any real inspiration lately and I was super excited about this one.  Now, as I was saying. This girl seemed pretty normal but she very quickly began exhibiting the behavior of the BYU co-ed trying to catch a man.  So many girls fall into the same snare...poor things.  And before you continue reading I have to preface this by saying I don't know this girl who inspired the post- so this is not a critique on her personally just a commentary on exhibited behavior.  No more, no less.

The first thing I noticed was her blowing on her finger nails.  Fingernails, which I'm positive, had been dry for several hours.  Why was she doing this? well, obviously she was trying to get said boy to notice her glitter nails and compliment her on them.  I can only assume he did not since her next move was to pull out her lotion and rub it on the top of her hands...still flashing the nails.  Finally she decided to rub the lotion in like a normal person-or so I thought.  But she kept rubbing it and rubbing it.  I'm not exaggerating when I say she rubbed her hands together for probably a good 5-10 minutes.  I'm sure it was to make sure they were good and soft for when he held her hand later.  But the whole time she was doing it all I could see was the skinny kid from the sandlot saying, "lotioning and oiling, oiling and lotioning".  STOP!!! It has absorbed and now you are just making me anxious. 

The lights dim and she squeals in her seat- like she had just been given orchestra tickets to see the original cast of wicked on Broadway.  Whatever, maybe it's her favorite book or something.  Really I suspect she was just trying to make sure her date knew she was as into theater as he was.  The show plays and I begin to hear her laughing at the most inappropriate times.  For instance, Mary walks onto the stage dragging her jump rope because she is depressed.  Her whole life is empty and cold and she's just realized her garden is dead.  It's a dramatic scene and queen laughs a lot starts giggling.  Seriously? why is that funny? I still am not sure. 

About half way through the first act she decides it's time to pull out the big guns.  Sweep the hair off your neck and lay your head on his shoulder.  But not just head on the shoulder- the brace your chin with your hand so that your face is in his peripheral vision strategy.  Unmistakable for "I'm interested/we are a couple".  Super PDA- That is a major move in the man hunt.  That is pretty much the position she stayed in until the end of the show.  With the exception of her clapping at the end of each number.  She sat up so straight and clapped with great enthusiasm.  I was surprised that the word "bravo" did not come out of her mouth.  Her date didn't really respond to her invasion of space -But I suspect that's mostly because he knew he was being watched by Madison and I.  Still ladies- a word of advice, if you throw out the "I'm interested" signal and put your head on his shoulder and he does not respond the first or second time, he probably isn't going to and you should salvage your pride and just stop.  Maybe he is into you but perhaps there is a reason he is not reacting the way you want.  Respect his space (and yourself)- even if you don't understand his reasoning. 

Okay like I said, I'm not trying to be critical of this girl in particular, just female wiles in general.  Why? Why do girls do such things?  Why is being dumb attractive?  Why do they play such ridiculous games to get attention?  Apparently it works- but if that is what it takes to get a man then I guess I will just have to stay single forever.  Because I like being sassy and sarcastic.  I like being right sometimes. I like not having to pretend I don't know something I secretly know a ton about because it might be a turn off. i like not having to worry about my nails chipping and if they match my outfit.  I like my hoodies and messy ponytails.  I like to educate myself- formally and informally- and I don't intend to stop or hide it because it's against the rules of the game.  Single ladies of Utah County- Play your games.  Just know, I will be watching - and you just might find yourself as an example on my blog.

Did That Really Just Happen?

Yesterday at work I had just finished putting out new product. I was standing by the cash register steaming the last of the clothes for the mannequines when a woman approached me. I thought she was homeless, she might just have been eccentric. I'm not sure. She had crazy hair, super layered clothes, and had a lot of bags with her. She asked for another bag because her's was ripping. I gave her the bag and expected her to leave but she didn't. She stayed and talked to me for at least 15 minutes. Please keep in mind that there are not really very many customers in the store. Just another associate and myself . What did we talk about? Let me share with you some of the gems that stood out to me:

Lady: "I was watching all the women go by. They are really beautiful but they all look the same. They have on lots of make up but you can't tell because it's so natural looking. Where do you think they get that make up. why do you think they wear it like that?
Me: I don't know, maybe people magazine decided it was in style. I am pretty sure most of those women try really hard to look the same as everyone else.
Lady: well that's ridiculous.
Lady: Today is Cinco De Mayo. What is the big deal? so they broke off from France- who cares. But I guess the parties are fun.
Me: yeah my friend is having a party.
Lady: well is she a Mormon or a Mexican? I didn't know Mormon's celebrated Cinco De Mayo. Are you a Mormon or a baptist? (because obviously those are the only two options)
Me: I am a Mormon. but my grandfather's parents were baptist I believe.
Lady: oh then you understand both sides. good for you. Do you work here a lot? are you a manager?
Me: yes I am and I work a ton.
Lady: well you shouldn't work so much. what are you- 21?
Me: no I am 29.
Lady: well why aren't you married??
Me: well, I guess I just haven't met the right guy
Lady: yeah you seem like a smart girl, independent - you need a smart guy. a strong leader right?! well what's the problem? isn't the Mormon church full of strong leaders?
me: I guess it is.
Lady: well don't you worry. Jesus has a plan. Jesus has a plan for everyone. why are you ironing those clothes?
me: they go on the mannequins.
Lady: well you are doing a great job....this went on forever. she continued to talk about the dollar store, lipstick that doesn't fade, sea salt scrubs, something about "Jesus is dead but sin lives on"

She finally left and when she was gone I turned to Kaylie and we shared a look. What was that?! Super personal questions from a complete stranger. I don't know why these people find me or how? But I couldn't bring myself to be mean and blow her off. All I could do was answer her straight forward and sincerely asked questions and humor her until she decided to go. She was very nice but the situation was unreal. Maybe like something you would see in a television sitcom. But I'm 100 percent sure that situation like this just have a way of finding me and leaving me asking the person next to me...."did that really just happen?"

Worth A Thousand Words

You know those stickers people put on their rear windshields? The ones where each member of the family is represented.  Well, today on my way to work I was behind a mini van with these stickers.  Mom, dad, two boys, a girl, and a baby.  The boy stickers were both on skateboards, the baby had a bow in her hair but the interesting one was the girl.  She was holding an ice cream cone.  I'm sorry mom and dad- that is semi insulting.  Those stickers tell the world who you are- basically they are telling the world that the daughter is the fat kid of the family.  They boys are active and the girl eats ice cream.  nice.  Can I just say I'm grateful you are not my parents.

Enough For a Lifetime.

What is it about me that attracts creepy people?  If you follow my blog you have probably realized that I have an unusually high number of stories about creepy men.  Well I have another one.  Not as good as some of the others, but I suppressed my instinct to be nice and ended this one as quickly as it began.  This morning I was awoken by a text message.  The text message said, "Is this Jodi?"  no big deal right?  We have all sent a text to the wrong number before.  I responded and simply said.  "no, sorry.  You have the wrong number"  they responded, "sorry to bother U".  Which I hate (just spell out the dumb word, it's not that long and is not hard to spell).   A few minutes later I get another text from the same number.  "Are U a woman? If so can I ask U a question?"  seriously? that is what creepy people do.  You don't know me so why would you want my opinion about anything.  You might be a perfectly nice person with good intentions but you don't say things like that, over text, to someone you've never met.  It's just weird.  I didn't respond to that one- I shudder to think what the question might have been.  Okay, secretly I wanted to know so I could make this post slightly more interesting to read but I just don't have the energy for a stalker right now..and who knows where that would have lead.  I think I'm learning, even at the cost of spicing up my blog, it's best just to leave the creeper to the women in Provo.  I've had enough to last me a life time.

Not Good Enough

I just want to buy these shoes. However, the stupid website keeps removing them from my shopping cart.  Annoying.  I thought, "well maybe you have to register"  the website also keeps erasing my registration information.  Apparently my money is not good enough for Toms.  I'm super mad right now.  Super. 

If I were a rich man...

Turns out all the money in the world can not make you classy.  Who watches the Voice? better yet who watched it tonight?  eww.  Christina.  What are you thinking girl?  If you looked up white trash in the dictionary a picture of her in her get up tonight would be right next to it.  Her eyeshadow was terrible.  Her extensions were showing-ick.  Her hair was matted and fried.  Oh and also she looked like a stuffed sausage in that way too small outfit.  her heels were so high she couldn't even walk- thus supporting my last blog post.  Don't get me wrong. I'm totally in support of her loving her body and being happy with where she is but honey- you can be proud of your curves and classy all at the same time.  Christina, your pipes sell themselves- you don't need to dress like a stripper for people to recognize your talent. In fact, I really think it's more of a distraction.  I really do not want to see THAT much of you...ever again.  Christina - you just need to get a deep conditioner, a new make up artist, and a stop into White House Black Market.  Guess being rich doesn't make you classy. Nuff said.

Street... "Walking"??

let's talk about the purpose of heels.  They are not only to make us ladies appear taller.  Sure they do that too, but the real purpose of heels is to make our legs look sexy, and to change our gait.  They are supposed to increase the sway of your hips.  So explain to me why people buy heels so high and platform-y that they can't walk normal.  They put on the heels and it's like this crazy plopping.  not sway just trudging.  I imagine if someone dipped their feet in cement and then tried to walk- that's what it looks like.  NOT sexy.  Those are hooker shoes.  Because hookers don't actually walk in them. They stand on the corner and then get in a car.  But for the rest of us- heels like this are just not practical.  Loose the major platform and just get some classy sexy heels.

But I don't Speak Dutch?!

This last Monday I auditioned at the Hale Center Theater Orem for a show called Crazy For You.  I have auditioned, maybe four or five times at the Hale and I've never been called back.  Which is fine- my resume is itty bitty and I get kind of nervous when people are so close they are practically looking up my nose.  Also, I have a really hard time acting when I'm in my work clothes.  Put me in a costume with make up and hair and I'm all over it.  But it's hard to be "me" and pretend to be someone else.  ANYWAY- Tuesday night I was getting off line and getting ready to go to bed when I thought, "I maybe should check that email address that I NEVER check".  So I did and I looked at it for probably 30 seconds before I realized that it was not junk mail, that it was in fact and email telling me I got called back for a dance audition.  No big deal right? I was a composite dance major for two years- I've done almost everything.  However, it's been six years since I graduated  which means it's been about 8 years since I've done any rhythm or footwork type classes and this audition: TAP.  Not awesome.  Tap was one of the two classes I did NOT take at BYU.  So I went to bed Tuesday night thinking of all my friends who tap and hoping someone could teach me some basics on such short notice. 
Well old lady luck was on my side.  My awesome friend Aimee came up and taught me some basic steps.  I practiced and practiced for over an hour until I had all the necessary sounds.  Yay.  After said practice I started to feel slightly less terrified and thought, "yes, I can totally fake my way through this". 
Well, the time for dancing had arrived.  Feeling pretty confident I stepped out on the floor and David started teaching the choreography and I am pretty sure my mouth hit the floor.  He said he was doing a time step but I have had two different people teach me a time step and what he did looked NOTHING like what I was shown before.  He moved on to some even crazier steps then started adding shoulders and arms and turns and toes and jumps...I kind of just wanted to walk out.  But that is super unprofessional so I didn't.  Here is the thing:  I usually have a hard time remembering the sequence of steps in the time frame we are given.  HOWEVER- at least in other auditions I know what the steps are and have seen them before. I have done a 3 count turn, a jazz step, etc.  I can usually get about 75% of it.  But to try and remember a sequence of steps that I have never in my life seen before is impossible.  It was like walking into a Dutch language class, having the teacher rattle off a paragraph and then turn to you and say, "okay now you and this other person repeat that back to me in unison while everyone else watches/listens to you.  oh and I'll be judging you to see if you are as good as the girl in the back who has been speaking dutch her whole life. Don't worry, I can tell if you have the capacity to learn by what you show me after this five minute lesson."  WHAT?!?!  It really feels awful to have to walk out in front of people you respect, knowing you are totally out of your element and about to show them something that is way below your capacity.  ugh...so humiliating.  I never perform at sub standard quality- I would normally kill myself practicing before I would perform what I had to perform today. I have no plans to repeat that experience any time soon.

This is The Voice

This is my frivolous post. Do you watch "The Voice"?  I just started this season and I think I like it.  I don't know if I like it enough to watch it again next season...but for now it's entertaining.  Anyway- my point: Every show I keep hearing the judges say, "oh your voice is so unique"  I disagree.  I think there are only a few women on the show this season with unique voices.  The rest of them just have one of two sounds.  The belt voice with lots of soul and runs or the bubble in the throat forced vibrato, don't open my mouth, indie sound that belts a few notes.  I hate the indie sound- maybe because I can hear the technical mis-steps...also, that can't feel good plus it's ugly.  I hope none of these girls make it very far.  I think I want a man to win.  Girls are annoying. 
one major pet peeve with shows like this...everyone tries to play the sympathy card.  They all have an epic tale of woe. My jaw was broken, I play on the streets, my mom is sick, I am homeless...blah blah. Yep that sucks.  Life is hard but this isn't about who has the saddest story- it's about who can sing the best right? whatever.

Can't Get That Back

Oh traffic school.  I don't think we should see each other again....EVER!  I was really hoping for a good looking cop or an attractive man in the seat next to me.  You know, just something to make the passage of time a little more enjoyable.  Did I get that? NO.  I did not.  What did I get?  I got about 4 people who had a comment or question for EVERYTHING the cop said.  I am not exaggerating.  I'm not sure what they were doing when the cop said, "depending on you and your questions this could either be 1.5 hrs or 2 hrs"....subtext: If you don't interrupt me you can be home a half an hour earlier.  SCORE!  Or at least it could have been.  But it wasn't.  And they did indeed ask stupid questions.  Questions that were not pertinent to anyone in the room.  For example, so you don't think I am being ungenerous, the officer mentioned that Utah and Texas are the only two states with an 80 mph area because Wyoming recently pulled theirs.  After said statement, a kid in the back raises his hand and says, "well why did they lower the speed limit in Wyoming?"  WHO CARES?!?!  you don't live in Wyoming...why are you wasting my time!?!  Keep it relevant. Or another kid grilling the officer about the difference between a drinking citation and a DUI and what the LEGAL limits are for under aged drivers.  ummm...duh.  There is no LEGAL limit because drinking under 21 is ILLEGAL!  so it really doesn't matter.  Also he told you three times already that if you are driving its a DUI...if you aren't driving it's not a DUI...because the D in DUI stands for DRIVING.  They choose those letters for a reason.  But thanks all the same for wasting my time with your endless questions Einstein.  The evening was filled with questions and comments about similar things..."can't we force people to wear helmets" "people should have to take a motorcycle safety class in order to have a drivers license"...blah blah blah...the class would have been 3 hours if the officer hadn't speed through the last few items. There go two hours of my life I will never get back. If I ever get pulled over again I will just take the points on my record...bring it.