Nostalgic

Have you ever felt so close to someone you've never even met? It probably sounds crazy but it happens to me quite frequently. I have been reading my grandma's personal history- which I should have read years ago. She passed away in 2003 but I was too busy being into myself to take the time to think about connecting to my family. I got about 2 pages into it and started crying...which is NOT something new and different for me. What is interesting is the part I started crying about. My grandma was talking about her parents, about her mother specifically and from her description and from pictures I've seen, I just know we would have been kindred spirits. I can look at her face and tell you where I got so many of my personality traits. Which sounds crazy since she died in 1942. But I think personalities are genetic. My brothers have very similar personalities/mannerisms and they didn't really ever live together. Or maybe its not genetics at all. Maybe she and I were just really great friends in the pre-existance and spent lots of time together. I see so much of myself in this woman who I've never met. As I read about her, brief as the description was, I felt a deep loss. I am grateful to her for her for who she was...for pressing forward through hard times. I wish I could talk to her right now...I know I have to wait, but I can tell you that at the very least, the first 1000 yrs of my eternity will be spent in deep discussion with the incredible people who have made my life possible.

Highway Hellos

almost every Sunday I go to visit my friend at her ward in Salt Lake City. I go to mine first and then swing up north for a few hours. I do this because I love her and because there is an unfair distribution of good looking successful men in Utah- they are all in her ward. Not fair. Anyway, today my friend Erin wanted to come along- apparently she didn't believe me when I told her there were tons of good looking men in SLC. As if I would make it up. Well Erin and I were driving along I-15 just having ourselves a good chat when a white truck pulls up to the right of us. I glance over...and then I look again. The man in the truck is holding an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper to his window and the paper says, "Hi Erin" she waves and he falls back behind us. I laughed and said, "wow, Erin who was that?" to which she replied, "I don't know. I don't recognize him" she really didn't know the man at all. Um, really? what are the chances of that? Did he just choose a name at random? happened to have that paper in his car and uses it to be a creeper on the freeway? Or maybe she just looks like an Erin? who knows...either way it was kind of creepy. And by 'kind of' I mean really creepy. But I am so glad I got to see it first hand...or I might not have believed it.

Time to grow up

Do clothes make the man? no. They don't but sometimes they help the man feel good in his own skin. Okay really I'm not talking about a man. I'm talking about me. I'm not huge into retail therapy, I actually hate to shop. But for the last few weeks I've been hating my clothes. I put them on and I just feel like garbage. So a few days ago I went and I bought what I like to call "grown up" shirts. Basically they aren't T-shirts. Its funny but I put one on and I just felt empowered. I felt my age and I felt like I could move forward and get what I want out of life....it sounds a little crazy. My theory is this: All the clothes in my closet are old, they represent things from my past. Some of the shirts I don't EVER wear but I have kept them because they had some sentimental value. Well I got rid of those shirts, and I replaced them. Maybe its more symbolic for me- I needed to get rid of the past and get my appearance in line with my new life goals. I couldn't move forward because I was trying to hard to hang on to the past. It sounds ridiculous but when you are wearing clothes that make you feel like a teenager its really hard to grow up and make adult decisions. I am pretty much the baby in my family and inadvertently am treated as such a lot of the time. But in order to push my way out of that-I need to see myself as and adult. One way for me to do that is wear clothes that look like an adult. I'm not going to lie- adult clothes are more expensive. That's the worst part. But I am very much an adult, I have some life experience now and I'm getting more every day. I look much younger than I am. I feel like if I want people to take me seriously I need to make a change. I feel like I have a pretty good head on my shoulders. I know what I want. I can discern people and situations well. I catch on to things quickly. I listen, observe, and understand people. I can anticipate consequences very far into the future. I think I have a lot to offer- I just have to get people to look past my young face and give me a chance- therefore I must spend money on grown up clothes. It won't fix things entirely, but its a start....

No hassle!....yeah right!

Here is a fact about me: I'm a pretty chill person. I don't anger easily, I don't hold grudges, and I don't really engage in confrontation. There are certain things that can trigger these responses in me- like when some jerk decides to almost run me over in his over sized pick up, or when I feel like someone has taken advantage of my chill-ness. Even then I will still try to remove my emotion and explain my position as calmly as possible. Which is what happened yesterday.

Let me explain the situation. A few weeks ago I bought a dress from a semi high end retailer (will remain nameless). I bought the dress online but when I got it I decided I didn't actually love it as much as I thought I would. This retailer happens to be located in the same mall where I work so I checked the return policy to make sure I could return it to the store and took it to work with me. After work I went to return it and the manager told me that I couldn't do any returns from online that were over $100. At which point I think to myself "well isn't everything in this store over $100?" whatever it didn't say that in the return policy but I work retail so I didn't make a big deal about it. I said that was fine and I'd just mail it back. The manager insisted I leave the dress and let them mail it back for me so I wouldn't have to deal with the hassle. I was kind of bugged about that but I gave in. Half way home my brain kicked in (where was it when I needed it) and I realized that without shipping, which I'm sure they were not going to refund, the dress was NOT over $100. Also she didn't give me anything to say she took my dress. I still decided I wouldn't freak out. I gave them 10 business days to credit my card and then decided to contact customer service.

Yesterday I sent them an email inquiring about the return policy and if they had received my dress. I explained the whole situation very calmly and with as much detail as I could so they would know I wasn't just making it up. They contacted me this afternoon. Which was great since it is Saturday and I wasn't expecting anything until at least Monday. The representative informed me they have NOT received my dress but was initiating my refund anyway. She also filed a complaint for me and informed me that the store should have returned my dress on the spot. It did not have to be mailed back at all. She is also forwarding my message to the vice president of sales, and to the district and regional managers of the store.

Awesome I get my money back especially since I no longer have possession of the dress. I'm thrilled with the quick service on their end but part of me feels guilty that the store manager might get in a little trouble. As a manager myself, I know this needs to be addressed but part of me still wishes she'd just done her job to begin with...or that I had been thinking and insisted on doing it myself. What's done is done right?! I guess that's the down side to having a blue/red personality. You get what you want but you feel bad about it after. Its really horrible actually. Good thing my red doesn't come out TOO often- its draining!

And my super power is....

So last night I went dancing. Something I haven't done in too long. Anyway, I went with some of the most fun people on this planet. While I was there, I developed the following theory:

You know how dogs can hear sounds at frequencies that humans can't? Well, I think there are messages plastered to my face that only men can read/see. Clarification: I am not saying men ARE dogs...just that men are LIKE dogs ;) What do those messages say? well from my experience last night I can only conclude that those messages go something like this:

"Excuse me, who said YOU could talk to me?"
"Please back away, you are in my personal bubble"
"shouldn't you be crying in a corner somewhere?"
etc. All to the effect of "don't waste your time, I will NEVER even look at you"..."unless you are a douche and then by all means please try, try, and try again, eventually I will relent and come to regret my choice later"

(These phrases are just conjecture of course) how did I come to this conclusion you ask? well let me illustrate for you!

Exhibit A:
Me and two other friends are standing on the side of the dance floor. I am watching another friend and her "sort-of boyfriend" dance. And by "watching" I mean, in deep concentration trying to count the dumb steps out in my head...when I become vaguely aware that there is a man standing in front of me. In my peripheral vision I see a hand start to be extended toward me (traditional "do you want to dance" procedure) but before I can become fully cognizant of what is transpiring, before I have even had the chance to lift my gaze high enough to see his face, the hand is retracted and the guy moves about a foot to my right and watches people dance. I looked to my friends who were standing with mouths agape. "um, did that really just happen?" Yes. Yes it did. That was a first in my life! To be asked to dance and have the offer rescinded before I can even see what the guy looks like. ouch.

Exhibit B:

My two friends and I are still standing off to the side and every couple of minutes a guy walks by. But he doesn't just walk by. He slows ever so slightly and looks at each one of us. Mostly from the super corner of his eye (don't know what a super corner is click here) but every now and again there was a really brazen one that would just check us each out as he passed. But the point is, they would keep walking. After about 30 minutes of this we all decided we were done being ogled and decided to vacate the meat market. I wanted to scream, "I'm not here to hook a man so please stop looking at me like you have the option to package me up and take me home if you so choose"...so irritating.

anyway, my friends and I looked pretty cute so I can only assume these men were reading the invisible messages on my face (as listed above)...If I only knew what those messages really said I could control them and use them to my greater advantage. but perhaps its better I don't know... It actually sounds like a pretty lethal super power- the ability to manipulate invisible messages on my face that have the power to control the actions of men. Yes!

Like Bees to honey

This post has nothing to do with bees or honey. Its about socially awkward people who are always drawn to me. I have no idea why. Let me explain. Last night I went to my zumba class like I do several times a week. Last night the class was pretty empty (most people showed up late) There was about 5 of us in a fairly large room and this woman walks in and comes and stands directly behind me. I'm talking like 2 feet or less...she might as well have just climbed on my back! she was THAT close to me. No worries though, I've done a lot of formation dancing so I simply moved once the song started....and she is so awkward she didn't notice because she was staring at the teacher. however, once the song ended she was right next to me again. Just to test it out, I shifted further over....and she shifted with me. I moved back thinking "maybe I took her spot and she wants to be in the front" Nope...she moved back when I did. So basically I only got a half work out last night because I was so worried about getting hit by the flailing uncontrolled coordination-less arms 2" from my head. My only conclusion I can draw is that she wanted to be near the front so she could see, but she didn't want to BE seen- so she hid behind me. Seriously though....you cannot stand that close to a person in a zumba class...you have to stagger for safety reasons....and also because its weird. If she is there again tonight I am moving to the opposite side of the room. I don't really like bees anyway.

Teaching the Teacher

So yesterday was my Sunday to teach gospel doctrine. When I prepared I thought it was going to be a really hard lesson, really disjointed and without reading the entire book of Hebrews, totally unconnected. It didn't really flow...so instead of trying to connect it myself I broke it down in a few sections and had my class teach the really long parts. I wasn't really sure how that would go over, and I'm usually not a huge fan of group work but nothing else was coming to me which was probably the spirit saying, "I know you hate this but today Lori we are going to do things MY way and you will just have to like it". Cause lets be honest, sometimes I need to be put in my place. Anyway-there is a point to all this. We were reading Hebrews 11. That chapter is all about people who acted in faith. Not a new concept for Sunday school but what happened was I had an epiphany about my own life. Right in the middle of class.

Hebrews 11:8

"By faith Abraham, when he was called to go out into a place which he should after receive for an inheritance, obeyed; and he went out, not knowing whither he went."

It hit me that I have been promised things too...but, unlike Abraham, I have been so afraid of making a wrong choice, that I haven't been making any choices at ALL. I am stagnant. I am simply existing, not really stepping out and taking chances. I know what I'm capable of...but since I don't have a map laid out in front of me I've been resisting taking any steps at all. what the heck is that?! That's not me!! Well maybe it was me in high school but that hasn't been me for almost a decade and I refuse to regress. So what am I saying? I'm saying if I want to be where I know I can and should be I need to start moving. Where? well I don't really know. My only plan right now is to move forward...if a door is open I'm going to walk through. And if its not a door- maybe I'll just have to climb through a few windows right?!?! yikes...I'm having a panic attack right now. But faith is relinquishing control sometimes and I do need to practice that a little...or a lot. so wish me luck.

Put it away

I need to share with you a pet peeve of mine...its funny but when people ask what bugs me, a lot of the time I can't think of anything, and then it happens and it is brought home ever so quickly!! So what is bugging me- when my date can't leave his cell phone alone. Call me old fashioned or selfish but when someone is out with me- I want them to be with ME 100% of the night. And not just physically- I want them there mentally as well. If its an emergency or something whatever, stuff happens. But to be texting, or tweeting, or updating your facebook status is just irritating. I almost NEVER take my phone out on a date. (probably because it bugs me so much) Its rude, but also it disrupts the flow of conversation. when they have their phones out I start wondering who is so important that you need to be texting on a date? or am I really that boring that you need to be entertained by some outside source? What is up with that?! Just bugs me. Normally I don't NEED to be the center of attention...but if I have taken time out of my busy life to go out with you, I expect you to give me your full and undivided attention. Call me crazy but I think I'm worth a few uninterrupted hours...

Sharing is caring?? really?

Why do I always have to share? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm okay sharing somethings with others, my time, my voice, my money (sometimes), food, secrets, stories...life. I share ALL the time!! but there are just some things in life I don't feel I really should be required to share. One of those things: My boyfriends. (don't get excited I don't have one right now) I was just reflecting on my past relationships and I realize I have shared EVERY last one of them with another girl- and I'm not talking about their mom. I'm talking about the ex girlfriend, the best friend, and in more than one occasion another girlfriend whom I had no knowledge about (which did require me to put and end to those relationships altogether)....


but seriously?! is there a neon sign over my head that says, "I'm a nice girl- please date me and you can have your cake and eat it too" does this happen to lots of people? Why do I always attract guys who don't feel like they need to commit emotionally, mentally, or physically??


The crazy thing is, when confronted, none of them ever felt like they were in the wrong. which-whatever- I'm not going to get into that...my question is why? The only common thing in all those relationships is me...so I think I really might have something over my head that attracts men with commitment issues...LAME!!

Use your words...

I manage people for a living. So whenever I go to other establishments I notice the employees, mostly asking myself if I would have hired this person. well, last night I went to a frozen yogurt place with some friends. This particular one closed at 11pm and since I work retail I never stay somewhere after they close. I always leave right at closing. So at 10:58 the girl working walks over to the front door and locks it. And let me just tell you -it wasn't the type of lock that only locks from the outside but you can still push open and exit. Also let me tell you that my friends and I were not the only people in this place...half the PG cheerleading team was there as well. At her not so subtle hint my friends and I decided to leave. I walked over to the door- knowing full well that I would have to unlock it to get out but I wanted to see what this employee was going to do. I start to push on the door and she runs over and says, "oh sorry" all innocent like she was unaware that there had been 12 people in her store when she locked the door and we wouldn't be able to exit....I mean come on, she can't be THAT stupid. She's not stupid-she's passive aggressive. Here is my problem with her actions, if you want people to leave just come right out and say it...."Hey guys thanks so much for coming in tonight but I have to lock up now", or "we are closing in about five minutes", or "can I help you with anything else before we close"....LOTS of ways to get your point accross without locking your patrons in the building. Just some advice, making people feel awkward has never been agreat customer service technique....save the not so subtle hints and use your words!

When is it good enough?

Fact about me: My brain works better under pressure.

OK maybe it doesn't but it feels like it...mostly because under pressure I don't have time to be a perfectionist. Example: I did A LOT of writing in college! And every semester I had really great intentions of starting my papers early, and I tried a few times....basically what ended up happening was I wasted time. Because I would write it, then I'd read it critically then I'd write it again- I'd waste 3 days and then the night before when I was completely out of time to do anything else I would sit down and type for hours straight. Spell check. proof read and print. Done. That's how English was in high school too....free flow writing. I start writing and as long as I'm not interrupted my brain spits out a pretty organized logical product that is usually good enough to get me an A. So you could argue that I have classically conditioned my brain to perform this way- I still do it. I'm not in school but I do it with talks in church and my Sunday school lessons every other week. I read it before hand but I can't for the life of me, as hard as I try, get it on paper if I have more than 24 hours to go....so basically deadlines encourage good things to come out of my head....

well, I am starting a new blog, one a little more focused than just my own ramblings and I am petrified of not doing it perfect. which is totally irrational. But I can't help it. I keep writing drafts and drafts but the problem is- there is no deadline. No one even knows the address yet- so I keep picking it apart! I'm way to demanding when it comes to my writing. I love writing and I have really high standards for myself when I write for real....so who knows how long it will be until I actually publish anything on my blog...ahhh...why can't good enough just be good enough sometimes?!

Giving up my pearls....

I have a decision to make. One I am absolutely not excited to make. And for most of you who read this it will sound like nothing, but to me, I feel like my heart is literally being ripped out of my chest.
(If you have not heard the story of Jenny and her pearls please read it HERE now so that my future references make sense-its not very long)

For the past 21 yrs of my life my major goal has been to be cast as Eponine in Les Miserables. For 19 1/2 of those 21 yrs I was too terrified to sing in front of anyone and one day I realized, you do not get cast in lead roles unless you have some experience. So, I faced my fears and started voice lessons, auditioning, and doing theater. Which I have loved. I love performing and dressing up and meeting lots of new people. This dream of mine has been lurking in my mind my whole life...its something I really really want. Its also something I know I could do if I put in the time and made the sacrifice...that's where this gets difficult. This is my plastic pearl necklace.

Last night I went out with 3 of my very best friends. I put my phone in the bottom of my purse and forgot about everyone in the world except them. we didn't do anything exciting, talked and went to dinner- but I haven't laughed that hard in months. I literally hurt from laughing. I got home and remembered that I used to do that ALL the time. I love to laugh. I love to be with amazing people who bring out the best in me- people who inspire me to laugh. People who accept me with all my strength and especially my weakness! I realize I miss this more than I can express. When did something so important to me get pushed so far to the back of my life?

When did I sacrifice my meaningful relationships for shallow competitive backbiting ones. Relationships where people want you to do well as long as its not better than them. When did I trade feeling comfortable in my own skin for feeling self conscious and uncomfortable?

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying everyone in theater is shallow and self centered...I have met some very fantastic people on my way! I have met people who have changed my life and become some of my very best friends!! People I will love forever. But the vast majority of people I meet are not people I want to get close to...they are not people who would be a shoulder to cry on or someone to laugh with or talk to about the gospel and life until 2am...and for me, those are the things that make life full and meaningful.

I realized that I have spent so much time trying to make my way in theater and build my resume that I have been neglecting people I love and things that are of eternal significance. I hate that and this realization has caused me to think that maybe its time I removed myself from the distraction. Maybe theater- as much as I love it, is not my path. Maybe its time to give up my necklace...

It breaks my heart because I feel like I'm giving up on a dream...something I've wanted and something I know I could eventually have if I continue to work hard. I know I could accomplish my goal....but at what cost?? when I really step back and look rationally- I'm letting my life goals rob my eternal goals. I love theater, I love singing...but I know there will be other ways to share my voice with those around me...I think, as of right now my Disney audition in 2 weeks will be my last audition. I am walking away, I'm not sure if its forever, but right now I need to get the rest of my life in order and remember the things that are of eternal importance- my relationships, with my friends, my family, and most important my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.

If I only had a brain...

I'm at work today- drawing floor maps for our inventory that is next week- and I see a woman just in front of me on her phone. I don't know why but something she said caught my attention....please keep in mind that its about 2:45pm at this particular moment.....

this is her conversation:

"what time is conference?"

"2-4? well we'd have to leave right now and we're still at the mall!"

"oh yeah we could go to the 4 o'clock session"

"totally, we'll grab something to eat and meet up with you for the 4 o'clock session"

gets off the phone walks over to her mom and says, "yeah mom, we are going to meet up with her for the 4pm session"

Really? are people that stupid? you have already missed 45 min of the session so even if you left NOW you wouldn't make it. (benefit of the doubt: maybe she is from California and her watch wasn't set to current time so she thought it was 1:45-although her cell should have reset when she crossed time zones) Also, and most importantly, there is no 4pm session, unless you live on the east coast...but being as you are standing right in front of me, it is safe to say you are currently in Utah and STILL missing that session. There is a 6pm session but since you are not male you aren't invited to that one...so either way, looks like you are not going to get much out of conference today. my suggestion...you should activate your brain or talk more quietly on the phone so others, such as myself, don't overhear your conversations and judge you. And I am...because even though I grew up in California and my instinct tells me conference is at 9 and 1...my brain kicks in fairly quickly and I remember what time zone I'm in...

sorry lady, but it looks like you are missing more than just conference...