Do I Look Fat In This...??

Entrapment:  The luring by a law-enforcement agent of a person into committing a crime.  Okay- you are thinking "wow, that was random"  but I promise you it is NOT.  you have all hear the question, "Do I look fat in this..."  Same concept.  Person A lures person B into committing a crime.  They either have to lie or get in trouble for offending person A. 

Moral of the story: 

    DO NOT ask questions you don't really want the answers to. 

I taught myself this lesson a few years ago and have saved myself from unnecessary emotional wreckage.  How does one learn this lesson?  The key is- not to ask them until you are prepared to hear and accept ANY answer.  I usually think out the questions I'm going to ask.  Then I prepare myself for all the worst possible answers to the question.  If I am or can get to a point where I can accept the worst answer- then I allow the question to be asked out loud.  If I am not okay with the worst possible answer I don't let myself ask the question.  If I can handle the worst I can for sure handle the best. 

so to everyone in my life- if I ask you an awkward or uncomfortable question you don't have to worry about giving me the "right" answer- if I'm asking I've thought it through and I REALLY want to know the honest answer.  I suggest everyone learn this strategy.  Why? Because if you always ask questions expecting a specific answer you will be disappointed more often than not.  Also- Entrapment is never cool.  It's unfair and creates tension where it doesn't need to be.  So if you aren't prepared to hear that you look fat in that dress- don't ask!!

To Crush or Not to Crush?

I am going to go out on a limb and assume that most of you have had a crush on a person at some point in your life.  So you are pretty familiar with a "crush".  They call it that because you pretty much end up like this coke can here.  You obsess over this person.  You get butterflies everytime you see them.  They can pretty much do NO wrong.  You justify everything they do to manipulate the facts so that you still think there might be hope that this person could possibly return your feelings.  In the end, they usually don't and your hopes as well as your feelings...and usually your self-esteem end up "crushed".  Hence the name. 

Are we all clear on that?  Good.  Now let me explain a term less well known but one I am very very fond of.  A crinkle.  Yes you heard me right.  Fortunately, I have not had a crush since I was 21yrs old but I do at times harbor a crinkle.  What the heck is a crinkle?  Let me enlighten you. 

A crinkle is a low level crush but more than a passing interest.  A crinkle can dissipate as quickly as it develops.  It is an interest in someone but not one with a deep emotional connection.  A crinkle can be eradicated if that person says or does something stupid, doesn't reciprocate the interest, etc... Your hopes are not pinned on this person and you do not need to build them up or justify their actions.  It is possible, and highly likely, that a person will have more than one crinkle at a time.  If things don't work out you just move on.  Much like this piece of paper.  It's crinkled, but smooth it out a little and it's still usable. Unlike the crushed can.     

The reason for this post?  I was confessing a crinkle a few weeks ago to a good friend and she was not even sure what I meant...so hopefully I have cleared up any confusion between the terms.  :)  Crinkles are far less exhausting.  But they are also not as exciting.  And maybe a little more confusing- since your feelings can change from hour to hour.  So, if you suffer from either I wish you luck! 

 

Lend Me Your Ear And I'll Sing You A Song...

"What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?...I get by with a little help from my friends" I heard that song tonight and I was thinking how applicable those words are at times in our lives. I started asking myself who are my friends? What does it mean to be a friend?
Last week was kind of hard for me- Not my worst by far, but still pretty emotionally draining. I don't like when people try to intimidate me. I don't like when people try to manipulate me with guilt. And I don't appreciate thinly veiled insults. Especially when these things come from people who are supposed to be my friends. Over the last few weeks I've had several experiences that make me question if some of my friends really know me at all or if they are just my friend when I'm listening to them or supporting them in their concerns. Because lately, with a VERY small number of these friends, I've felt like if I step out of line even a little from what they expect of me they are guilt tripping, manipulating, or just flat out insulting me to get me back in line where they are comfortable.
Turns out some of my "friends" would stand up and walk out on me- and then there are others who have been so supportive. Others who know me so well that they don't condemn me when I say or do something they don't like-but know just the right way to talk to me. They ask just the right questions to understand what is really going on below the surface-because there usually is something. They don't just jump to conclusions and throw my flaws in my face. Truth is, I'm really a happy person. So if i'm snippy or sarcastic or short tempered there is probably something bigger happening behind my "everything is just peachy" facade.
The crappy thing is- I've never been a fighter in these people situations. Goals yes but people no. I don't get angry- I just get numb. When people hurt me I put walls between us so that it can't happen again. That sounds a little unfair right? I know. I can't help it. If I don't feel safe and accepted I close off. I need to know that I can be me, even if it is not happy me.
Don't get me wrong- I've had arguments with friends/family members and they've said harsh things to me- things that affected me for decades. The difference is- I always knew they still loved me. I understood their motivation for saying and doing things that upset me. No matter what happened or was said I knew I was ultimately accepted even if I was driving them crazy at the moment. I guess that's what is missing with these people- I don't know that they would accept me as is, for better or worse. I won't trash talk them. I still think they are/or will be great people ...I'm just not going to line up to be back handed by them again. Perhaps I'm a coward. I am still friends with these people...but the depth of our relationship has changed. Or maybe it never was deep to begin with- maybe I just imagined it was more than it really is or ever would have been. Maybe some day things will change and we can have a great friendship again...but they will have to stop trying to mold me and just take me as I am...flaws, failures, frustrations and all.

"lend me your ear and I'll sing you a song and I'll try not to sing out of key.." I try to be a good person. I try to be a good friend. I try - but I cannot promise I won't fail. The point is- real friends stay and let you try again...even if you fail at perfection.

Did You Need Something?

Please tell me that I am not the only one that has lame people in my life.  Or actually I kind of hope I am the only one and the rest of the world has better friends than I do.  That being said- MOST of my friends are fantastic!! Best people EVER.  so before I come off sounding super harsh let me just say- I don't think these people I'm about to blog about do any of this on purpose.  In fact, they probably don't even realize how they are acting or making people feel.  maybe I am too sensitive or maybe just fed up. 
I think most everyone has these people in there lives.  People who knowingly, or unknowingly, think that they are the center of the earth.  They are constantly updating the world on their life.  Their frustrations, successes, etc...but have you ever noticed that these people never know what's going on in the lives of others.  They rarely, if ever, initiate contact with you.  When YOU initiate contact with them they ask things like, "how is everything going for you?"....translation:  I don't know anything specific that is happening in your life right now so I'm just going to generically and impersonally ask how EVERYTHING is.  These are the people who ask how you are, but don't really want to hear the truth.  they want a straight forward- "I'm great".  If you said anything else they would probably feel uncomfortable or find some way out of the conversation before you are finished sharing.  They are also the kind of people that ask how you are and then are easily diverted and never come back to hear your answer.  I have had WAY too many of these "friends" in my life and my patience for these people lessens by the year.  Again let me clarify- this in no way includes the good friends who for one reason or another don't talk to you on a frequent basis- those good friends usually make up for the time passage by diving in and asking lots of questions.  So even thought months have gone by- you still feel super valued by the time your conversation is over.  I mean the people who live in the same city, who are supposed to be your good friends, and yet know nothing about you- not even the big stuff- like weddings, funerals, job changes, that sort of thing...
Heaven knows I'm not perfect.  Sometimes my life gets in the way and I am a crappy friend.  But I always feel bad and try and make up for it by making an effort to fill in the gaps I've created with substance.  I'm also not saying I want everyone to talk to me every day- ick I know I couldn't handle that- but don't talk to me just when you need something...take a few seconds to understand someone besides yourself.  (Disclaimer: to my friends reading this- and who read my blog on a semi regular basis-I'm probably not talking about you since you are investing the time to read my thoughts.  Love you)  And if you think this is you- TRY HARDER!  People don't like to feel used or like a left over.  If you are supposed to be a good friend- try to be one. 

He Sends Angels

"have angels ceased to appear unto the children of men?"... "Behold I say unto you, Nay; for . . . it is by faith that angels appear and minister unto men. . . . "in times of special need, He sent angels, divine messengers, to bless His children, reassure them that heaven was always very close and that His help was always very near...when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day. (Elder Holland Oct 2008 conference)

I was reminded of this conference talk while talking to my sister. She is always great to talk to because she is so full of insight. She looks at things in new ways and helps me to sort out my thoughts. I was struggling with a decision and as we talked about not judging others too quickly she shared an experience she had just that day.

she said, "and yet a refiners fire will sometimes make more of a man then a perfect past can. Today I stopped to help this lady get her car out of the snow. I was weak and sick and wearing leather shoes I stood in ice water for 20 minutes trying to push her car out and finally i started praying for angels because once i offered to help I had to finish what I started. so guess what the angel looked like? he had black scraggly hair down to his waist, and a mangy tangled goatee and a tattoo on his neck. he was the only one besides me who stopped to help. A physically sick girl and a obviously wounded soul was he and yet he helped. He wished us a good day and expressed concern that we be careful because the roads were icy."

I am grateful for my sister's story. My family is so often the angels in my life to lift me up. she reminded me that sometimes our angels aren't who we expect them to be..they don't look how we think they should look or have the lifestyle we think they should have, "but the Lord places certain people in our lives to teach us something no one else can" ...and sometimes it is our responsibility to be the angel. I include Elder Holland's testimony as he shares my thoughts so perfectly..." I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. "[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved." On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal... In the process of praying for those angels to attend us, may we all try to be a little more angelic ourselves—with a kind word, a strong arm, a declaration of faith "

Save the Excuses

Pet Peeve for today:

When people say they don't have time. Honestly I've said this before. But the truth of the matter is, YOU MAKE TIME FOR THE THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO YOU. So if you say you don't have time, what you are really saying is: "YOU are NOT important to me. Okay maybe you don't have time today or this week...but if you want to see someone or do something you will make time for it. Actions speak louder than words...so instead of saying, "I don't have time" just say, "you know what, you are not important enough for me to rearrange my schedule or go out of my way." What will happen is you will be left with very few friends- however, if we are being honest, if they weren't important to you, then you had very few REAL friends to begin with. So all you've done is stopped the nagging and the necessity to make excuses.

Thanks to High School

I have to say that I had some pretty phenomenal friends in high school. As I listen to my nieces and nephews talk about their experiences I am ever more grateful for what I had. I mean, I knew I had it pretty good but I guess I didn't realize just how good.


I grew up in Sacramento California where diversity is the norm. I had only a few LDS friends and the rest were of various faiths. But I think it was due to this fact that my friends accepted me and my crazy standards. I was never asked to try anything or go anywhere that would have made me feel uncomfortable. I was never teased or ridiculed for the things I believed. Seriously my friends didn't even cuss in front of me because they knew I didn't like it. It even went so far that after awhile they would correct others for me. "hey, don't say that. Lori doesn't like it". Now how many teenagers do you know who are like that?? I don't know many.


High school can be really hard for a lot of teenagers. My high school experience was pretty painless. Sure I had some bad teachers, I was terrified of boys, and there are always a few mean girls who stab you in the back just because they can, but I got along with most everyone and never felt uncomfortable for being me. I will be eternally grateful for those friends- they helped me along my road to becoming who I am today. They are amazing people and I will forever cherish their friendship during such a pivotal point in my life.

Get Off!!

When I first saw this picture I just thought it was funny. Then I looked at it again and started to wonder how something like this happens. THEN I realized it happens all the time, and not just with dogs. For our purposes, Lets call the dog on the ground Buster and the dog sitting, Chief.

Things I noticed about this photo:

1. Same kind of dog

2. They are pretty much the same size

3. Buster looks sad and defeated

4. Chief looks like its the most natural thing in the world. It has become so common place that he hardly even notices what's happening.

So my conclusion is that Buster allowed Chief to over power him and be in control. who cares? they are just dogs.

So many times I find myself being "sat on" by other people. People who are similar to me, who are not any better than I am (physically, mentally, or emotionally) and yet, for one reason or another, I allow myself to be intimidated into submission. Not as often as I used to, and maybe not to this extreme but it does happen.

We all make choices to allow ourselves to be put down by people around us. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." We allow it to happen. Sometimes these people do it on purpose, either through subtle hints or blatant put downs. Sometimes they are people close to us who don't even realize they are making us feel "squished". Fact is, Buster is just as great of a dog as Chief but over time or experience he has let himself believe that Chief is stronger and more capable. I have done this so many times. Because of experiences I've had or things people have said to me, I let myself believe that other people deserve more. That it's okay to let people use me and have their way ALL the time. Frankly, its not true. I need to become my biggest fan. Especially when I find myself on the ground being crushed under the weight of another. I need to find my inner strength-and face my "Chief" head on. We were not sent to this earth to act small. Or to allow others to make our decisions or determine how we feel and where we will go in life. We were created equal. We have all been created for greater things and it's time we start acting like it.

Secretly Open

Sometimes I forget that people will actually read my blog. I think sometimes I say too much. But that's who I am. I love to talk and I love to share things about myself with people who I feel like actually care. I mean if someone takes the time to ask and I feel like the genuinely want to know the answer-I will always answer openly-even if its a little embarrassing. The problem is, most people don't ask. Or they are happy with a shallow answer. To those people I probably seem closed off and private. But I'm secretly and open book. Can a person "secretly" be "open" ?? not sure...I am open to those who really want to know. And I guess I figure if someone is going to take the time to open my blog and read it then they probably care enough to be privy to my 'private' thoughts. right? right!

why write a blog about this? I don't really have a great reason. I was just thinking how I probably haven't written in my journal in over a year and even then it was probably only once...but my blog, something everyone has access to, I write in all the time. Just seemed strange to me. But I suppose I am strange. And I'm okay with that!

Sharing is caring?? really?

Why do I always have to share? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm okay sharing somethings with others, my time, my voice, my money (sometimes), food, secrets, stories...life. I share ALL the time!! but there are just some things in life I don't feel I really should be required to share. One of those things: My boyfriends. (don't get excited I don't have one right now) I was just reflecting on my past relationships and I realize I have shared EVERY last one of them with another girl- and I'm not talking about their mom. I'm talking about the ex girlfriend, the best friend, and in more than one occasion another girlfriend whom I had no knowledge about (which did require me to put and end to those relationships altogether)....


but seriously?! is there a neon sign over my head that says, "I'm a nice girl- please date me and you can have your cake and eat it too" does this happen to lots of people? Why do I always attract guys who don't feel like they need to commit emotionally, mentally, or physically??


The crazy thing is, when confronted, none of them ever felt like they were in the wrong. which-whatever- I'm not going to get into that...my question is why? The only common thing in all those relationships is me...so I think I really might have something over my head that attracts men with commitment issues...LAME!!

What does balanced mean???

one blog post in July? none in August? wow, I'm really slipping. Mostly I'd say its a lack of balance in my life. There are so many things I want to do, and so many things I have to do and no time to sit and get it all straight. Each week bleeds over into the next and before you know it, all the things I have to do take over my life, make me tired, and then all of a sudden those other important things just fall through the cracks. I hate that.
I've been thinking lately about who I want to be and the habits I want to have. I want people to be important in my life. And theoretically they are. But my actions don't reflect that. I have a friend on a mission I never write. I have friends in Idaho that I love but never call back. I have friends in salt lake that I never call and a standing rain check to go dancing with a friend I haven't really spent time with in almost 2 years. I am a crappy friend. I think this is why all my life I've never had more than one or two really good friends at a time....I'm not good at balancing things and they probably just get fed up with me and find someone better. I don't blame them. But its not because I don't love these people...because I do. I think about them and so many others on a daily basis...I just can't straighten my life out long enough to actually make good on my thoughts. It frustrates me to no end.
I would wish for more time in my days, but it wouldn't do any good. I know I would some how manage to fill up those extra hours with good things...but am I filling my hours with the best things??
also, I think I have something called chronic fatigue syndrome...I get tired ALL the time. and not just a little tired...but exhausted beyond anything I have felt before I had mono. The problem is...I just need to learn to deal with it. Its not going to go away. which is another reason to find balance...if I do to much physically, mentally, or emotionally I am a walking zombie...so one way or the other I'm going to have to find my limits and stick to them so that I can be a better friend and get all that stuff done that I need to do and maybe even some of the stuff that would be nice to do....its a goal anyway.

Watch for falling walls...

A couple of weeks ago a friend and I were having a conversation about the way we are perceived by others and why...let me give some examples. There is a girl we know who is crusty to everyone. Upon first speaking to her you would assume she hates your guts. I did when I first met her. However, on further acquaintance you realize that she is such a great person. She really does like people and wants to be friends with them- and that crusty shell is just a way to protect herself in case someone doesn't like her.

There is also a guy we know who presents himself as, well...a jerk. He seems really arrogant and says some really rude things to people. But underneath all of that, he really is a great guy. He just hides behind his wall of protection- the wall that says, "I don't care what you think"...

Well, this friend and I were talking and I compared these two individuals with each other. They are very similar in many ways- they both want to protect themselves from being hurt or rejected by those around them. The wall is presented in two very different ways but it is there. I explained to her that everyone has walls- no one wants to be vulnerable. Some walls are very high, others not so high. Some walls are thick and others barely there- but they are there. The wall of arrogance, of apathy, or anger, hurt, distrust, judgement...there are so many walls.

The question is, when you come up against these walls, what do you do? Do you walk away? maybe. Because lets face it- walls take time and effort to break down or to scale over. Is it worth it to try? Everyone has a wall- but if you step back and see it for what it is, you will discover which tools you need to bring it down, or to help you scale over it.

With patience and diligence the walls of Jericho fell to the earth (Joshua 6), The walls of troy were breached with a wooden horse and superstition. The Persians conquered Babylon- despite their impenetrable walls by taking a dry river bed beneath the walls. The Maginot Line -between France and Germany- a reinforced concrete wall of fortified bunkers and heavy gun emplacements- was never used. The enemy simply went around it through Belgium rendering this strong force completely useless. The great wall of China in all its magnitude could not hold back Genghis Khan. These historical walls were strong and "indestructible" and yet they show that when there is the will to get around it- people do.

It is the same with us. If someone really wants to get past another person's walls, they will. But its not easy- sometimes it takes a great deal of patience and a creative mind to try something no one else has. I will be honest- I find the best way to circumvent walls is with love. A genuine interest in the other person and their welfare. You have to be patient and not be looking for anything in return. But I will also tell you- it is amazing to see someone for who they really are and what they can be without the wall of "protection" blocking the view.

Howard W. Hunter said, "If we are content to hide behind self-made walls we willingly forgo the blessings that are otherwise ours...may the Lord bless us that the walls of our minds may not obstruct us from the blessings that could be ours" I think this goes both ways- if we are content to let others hide behind those walls and judge them at face value we also lose out on blessings- maybe even just the blessing of gaining another friend and seeing someone for their true worth. Mark Twain said, "one learns people through the heart, not the eyes or the intellect" If you want to truely see people, don't use your eyes.

So yes, everyone has walls but with the right tools they will come crashing down...

Day 7- My Best Friend

Let me tell you about me and my friends. Most of my friends are my best friends. I don't do things half way. Who my best friend is depends on which part of my life we are talking about and in what situation...because one friend may be just the one I need at a particular moment while another may save me from sadness a few weeks later. Generally I am the girl who has one very small tight circle of friends at a time- and as life changes so does that circle...but each one of those people I would still consider my best friends because they have helped to shape me into the person I am...So I will tell you about just a few!


My very first best friend I do not have a digital picture of but she was amazing. Her name was Carly Seavers and we met at church when we were six years old. I love and miss her so much!!


Above and to the left is my very best friend from high school. Rachel. We had So much fun and I don't know what I would have done without her. So many great memories of seminary, boating, shopping, youth conference--and lots of long talks and countless notes and code names for boys...we were pretty silly but I love this Lady!!

My friend Emily I haven't known quite as long as some of the others..just about 3 years but if feels like a lot longer. She moved into my ward and we hit it off- for actually very strange reasons- we were kind of dating the same guy- go figure. We also spent many many hours serving in the relief society presidency together. She is such a great person and puts up with me and all my flaws! She understands the way I think-which is NO small task.

This lovely lady is Kara. First let me say I love a person who is not afraid to wear color. But she is one of the most fun people I know!! She makes me smile and I always enjoy her company- she is like a sister. So fun to talk to And so beautiful!

This is her brother Brendon. I think when we first met I scared him a little but after hours of early morning dance practice together we became very good friends. I love this kid!! I seriously could talk to him for days on end- Crazy fun and what a stud right?? I love the Kopps. I wish they lived closer!

these two lovely ladies lived with me for over 2 years and I miss them all the time. Cortney and Maggie were two of my most fun roommates- I mean come on...look at that belt buckle- and the broken wrist is from one of our adventures together! These girls are always there for me and understand and love me even when I'm being difficult-They have both moved away now so I don't see them often but when I do we can talk like we've never been apart.

This is JeniLynn. My longest running roommate ever. We lived together from the time we started college until she replaced me with a husband. (love you Greg- I wouldn't have parted with her to anyone else) Our friendship started out rocky- as the best relationships often do- she thought I was obsessed with my seminary class and I thought she was super self righteous-we got over that after a few weeks. Jeni and I could talk for hours...and we did. Usually at night when we were supposed to be sleeping-we talked about anything and everything. we also spent hours squealing over books and movies- she has moved across the country now but I still love her.


I love all my friends, and if you didn't get a shout out and picture on here I am so sorry!! my blog can only be so long- it doesn't mean I love you any less or that you are any less important to me. Every person I call a friend has changed my life for the better!! My friends are always there for me and help me to smile- especially when I don't feel like it ;) You are all amazing!!

Hello? are you still out there??

I am going to get on my soap box. Today I volunteered to help collect the trash through the church building. Not a big deal it takes about 5 minutes. However, about a year ago the men in the ward were responsible for taking down the chairs in the building and gathering all the trash. They took turns assigning the job to different guys each week. WELL, some of the boys (and yes I use the word BOYS deliberately rather than the word MEN) got tired of it and passed half the building to the women, the side with all the dirty diapers. whatever- well recently the boys have now decided that the women should also take down chairs on that same side of the building. Um excuse me- have you ever tried to take down multiple chairs while wearing heals and a skirt- its not that easy. One or two chairs is fine but over and over it gets a bit awkward. PLUS hello?? what happened to all the gentlemen. But what is really sparking this post is the fact that at least five of the boys in my ward watched me walk a full trash bag out to the dumpster at the other end of the parking lot (one boy was about ten feet in front of me and didn't bother to take the bag from me). What the heck!! I'm sorry but perhaps this is the reason these boys are not married or even seriously dating anyone- because they are thoughtless selfish cry babies. I don't mind helping but I do mind the expectation. Be a gentleman- stop depending on your looks to get you dates and try a bit of chivalry- it will get you farther in the long run!

Spongbob??

I have come to the conclusion that some people are simply sponges. They literally suck the life out of you and give nothing back. I have a few "sponge bob" friends. Now, when I say friends, please realize I am using that term VERY loosely. Some how I get sucked into thinking I can help these people, that they just need to be given a chance. I can see their potential and if I just hang on a little longer they will get better. WRONG! this is exactly the kind of thinking that leaves you a shriveled shell of the person you once were. I don't know if you've seen sponge bob square pants but he is a great example. He means well but he drives squidwerd nuts. Sponge bob friends will suck you dry. The key is recognizing who the sponges are in your life and just simply walking away. So to my sponges (who aren't reading this blog so really I'm just venting) I say- Go away. Go find someone else to suck the life out of...I refuse to let you absorb anymore of my energy, patience, and self worth. If I let you stay I will have nothing left to give someone who actually deserves my friendship.

There is no "cool" after High school

This post is going to be me venting...so if you aren't in the mood for that...don't read any further. I just have to say I am quite sick of people who think they are better than others...specifically the last couple of weeks I have had friends say to me "why don't you move out of your ward, that ward is a joke, you need to go somewhere better". Really??!! I will admit...my ward is not necessarily full of social grace and I don't hang out with most members of my ward outside of church but I will say that some of the best people live in my ward. Everyone in my ward has something incredible to offer. I can tell you at least one great thing about every person I know in the ward! To suggest that there is nothing good about anyone there just says to me that you think you are better than them all...and by so doing prove to me that you are immature and insecure. you get from a ward what you put in. If you ask yourself what can this place and these people do for me you will forever be disappointed but if you change your focus to "what can I contribute to this place? how can I help someone here?" you will never be disappointed, you will always be fulfilled. There is no "cool" after high school. At least not for grown ups. Those things shouldn't matter anymore- you don't get personality points by pulling others down. Just because you may have more social graces than another does not make you more valuable- in fact in many cases, from my own personal experiences, its been the opposite. Because that socially awkward person is around when I have needed them- not off entertaining the masses of people who probably won't remember their name after a few months. so I'm sorry I must have missed the memo that said you were cooler than everyone else.

Disclaimer: In defense of my friends who said these things, I will admit they probably didn't realize how it came off and I do still love these friends dearly- even though sometimes they can be a little arrogant and self absorbed. but who isn't sometimes. ok. vent done.

Limited Seating..

So today I was thinking..." a dangerous past time" "I know" ..sorry disney reference. Anyway- I have been thinking about how fear can physically limit our accomplishments. And in some cases, Fear can literally paralyse us from realizing our potential. I was thinking about how irrational that is. For instance, we are afraid to tell people how we really feel, or try something we've never done, or in some cases play a sport but why?? because we might say or do something dumb? we might not be perfect? well guess what...no one is perfect. And anyone who tells you they've never messed up at anything is lying to you. For example, I get really really nervous when I have to sing in front of people. One person or one hundred people my reaction is the same. I had a recital a little over a week ago and I did in fact mess up. The track played a little slower than I had practiced and I forgot two notes but no one threw anything at me, no one boo'd. The fact is no one but me probably even remembered my mistakes after I sat down. And it is the same with anything we do...we are probably the only ones who remember our failures. What if I don't pass my test? what if I say the wrong thing? well...life will go on, my friends and family will still love me, and I will be a better person for it.

Its true that there are those people in the world who would love nothing better than to step on you when you are down, or rub your failures in your face...but perhaps its time to remove those people from your life....If all the world is a stage, and you have the leading role- Then play your part, play it big, accept your role- strengths and limitations combined. You will have more fun...your audience will enjoy it more...and to those who would throw tomatoes- don't invite them, there is limited seating at your theater- VIPs only- they can go to someone else's show.

Tis the season...

Yes it is that time of the year where wedding businesses in Utah thrive. Summer is the time to get married and for some reason I seem to get invited to a ton of them. Especially lately. For the month of August alone I've had 2 bridal showers and five weddings and the month is not over yet. Anyway, that being said I usually feel some mixture of happy and sad. Happy because I love this person and you can see the happiness and joy in their face. They are usually glowing and I love that. And then I usually feel a little sad because 1. I'll admit I'm slightly jealous and 2. and probably the larger reason is I know our friendship will change. This person will not be part of my life as they once were. Someone has taken my place-and that's normal and how it should be but change is still hard. Its selfish, I know, but part of me can't help it.

But last night I attended a wedding that made me sad for an entirely different reason. This time selfishness was not the driving force for my feelings. The groom happened to be my little brother's best friend. A guy who has been around the family for about 2 decades. Like most people, his choices have not always been stellar or lead him down the easiest roads. He has gone through some hard times and over the last few years has really been trying to straighten things out. Which is great because we all love this kid! And last night he chose to marry a girl with a pretty black reputation, who has some substance abuse problems and dresses a little like a street walker. As a side note, I will say that even after attending the wedding I STILL have not actually met her- she didn't talk to anyone but her friends which was a little tacky- That being said, all my comments about her are strictly based on my impressions and others accounts of her character. And I am a firm believer that people can change- but only if they want to. who knows, maybe someday she will be a great person.
Anyway, as I sat listening to the two exchange vows I wanted to jump up and tell them to stop. I watched him as he told her he loved her and would take care of her forever. And I could tell that he cares about her but he still wasn't glowing. And I couldn't help but feel sad because he can't have her forever. Even if he wanted her that long, it can only last until death. Having attended several sealings in the temple- something was missing last night and my heart ached because of it. I think part of him knew it as well...he just doesn't realize how much better things could have been and it breaks my heart. I watched the two of them for the remainder of the reception. Except for pictures and the standard wedding program items the two of them were not really together. They went their separate ways and talked to their separate friends. There was no glow around them that usually makes me sick about a bride and groom- and I never thought I'd say this but I missed it. I like to see couples so in love they make me sick. But last night I was sick for a different reason...because someone I love gave up something incredible for something temporary.
I know that I want something more. I want to feel what was missing last night. I want a man who loves me enough to make it forever. I don't want to do things half way. I want it all or I don't want anything.

Halloween!

Hey friends...I was recently chastened by a friend for not updating my blog..so here goes. Although, there is not much to update. so I will start with Halloween! My sister shannon was in desperate need of a haircut so she flew me out to washington for halloween. Since I was spending the evening with my nieces I thought it would be a great idea to dress up...so I thought, what can I be for halloween? and the answer was so obvious...pale skin, dark hair...SNOW WHITE! yes. so my mom and I got to work sewing my dress. And boy was it fun...except for the humidity in the hair which flattened my snow white curls! one little girl I passed trick or treating said to her mom in awe "oh! a princess!"...haha it was awesome! And my girls looked great....Emily was the corpse bride and gilly was a ballerina...what better way to spend halloween than trick or treating with two super cute girls that I love!