"What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?...I get by with a little help from my friends" I heard that song tonight and I was thinking how applicable those words are at times in our lives. I started asking myself who are my friends? What does it mean to be a friend?
Last week was kind of hard for me- Not my worst by far, but still pretty emotionally draining. I don't like when people try to intimidate me. I don't like when people try to manipulate me with guilt. And I don't appreciate thinly veiled insults. Especially when these things come from people who are supposed to be my friends. Over the last few weeks I've had several experiences that make me question if some of my friends really know me at all or if they are just my friend when I'm listening to them or supporting them in their concerns. Because lately, with a VERY small number of these friends, I've felt like if I step out of line even a little from what they expect of me they are guilt tripping, manipulating, or just flat out insulting me to get me back in line where they are comfortable.
Turns out some of my "friends" would stand up and walk out on me- and then there are others who have been so supportive. Others who know me so well that they don't condemn me when I say or do something they don't like-but know just the right way to talk to me. They ask just the right questions to understand what is really going on below the surface-because there usually is something. They don't just jump to conclusions and throw my flaws in my face. Truth is, I'm really a happy person. So if i'm snippy or sarcastic or short tempered there is probably something bigger happening behind my "everything is just peachy" facade.
The crappy thing is- I've never been a fighter in these people situations. Goals yes but people no. I don't get angry- I just get numb. When people hurt me I put walls between us so that it can't happen again. That sounds a little unfair right? I know. I can't help it. If I don't feel safe and accepted I close off. I need to know that I can be me, even if it is not happy me.
Don't get me wrong- I've had arguments with friends/family members and they've said harsh things to me- things that affected me for decades. The difference is- I always knew they still loved me. I understood their motivation for saying and doing things that upset me. No matter what happened or was said I knew I was ultimately accepted even if I was driving them crazy at the moment. I guess that's what is missing with these people- I don't know that they would accept me as is, for better or worse. I won't trash talk them. I still think they are/or will be great people ...I'm just not going to line up to be back handed by them again. Perhaps I'm a coward. I am still friends with these people...but the depth of our relationship has changed. Or maybe it never was deep to begin with- maybe I just imagined it was more than it really is or ever would have been. Maybe some day things will change and we can have a great friendship again...but they will have to stop trying to mold me and just take me as I am...flaws, failures, frustrations and all.
"lend me your ear and I'll sing you a song and I'll try not to sing out of key.." I try to be a good person. I try to be a good friend. I try - but I cannot promise I won't fail. The point is- real friends stay and let you try again...even if you fail at perfection.
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