Three Generations

This week was a crazy one.  Crazy but really eye opening.  Overall a really really good week.  My second oldest nephew went into the MTC (Missionary Training Center) on Wednesday and I am so very pleased with his decision to share his testimony of Jesus Christ.  In just a few weeks my oldest nephew will join him.  I can hardly believe they are that old but I am so happy for them both!

Because of their decisions to serve we were all able to attend the Temple together this last Tuesday.  wow, if ever I have wanted to take a picture in the temple it was Tuesday afternoon.  I did not take a physical picture but I spent quite a long time making a mental picture.  I know this sounds cheesy but it was the most beautiful thing I think I've ever seen.  My two nephews sat together on a couch with smiles on their faces.  Just to their right was my mom, surrounded by my older brother and his wife, my oldest sister and her husband, and my "little" brother and his pregnant wife (so excited about the new baby).  Their faces so happy and peaceful. I sat next to my dad and we both, with tears in our eyes, tried to absorbed the scene before us.  Three generations of my family together, all dressed in white.  I know it maybe sounds simple and unimpressive but it made a huge impression on me.

It impressed upon my heart that my family is eternal.  That although marriage isn't always easy it is worth it.  I knew all of this but to be honest it's been a long time since I've spent any time really thinking about it.  I am so grateful to my parents for sticking it out 40+ years and to my grandparents before them.  So grateful they taught me that some things are bigger than ourselves and our immediate wants.  I am so grateful for the temple.  For knowledge that my family will be my family forever and that the experience I had last Tuesday can be one of many many more.  I love my family.  Each one of them, although they are not perfect, has been an example to me.  I have learned so much from each of them and they have made me who I am today. 

The Cart Was Pushing Me...

I have not blogged in weeks.  Mostly because I have just been so tired...even if I had the time to write it would have not been much...my brain has not been functioning at full capacity.  So even now I am not going to try to be witty or clever.  I am simply going to share with you a story I found while preparing my lesson...one that is fantastic but maybe a little too "deep" for an introduction to the Doctrine and Covenants lesson. I enjoyed it all the same and thought someone else might as well. 

 

James E. Faust:

“Some years ago president David O. McKay told from this pulpit of the experience of some of those in the Martin handcart company. Many of these early converts had emigrated from Europe and were too poor to buy oxen or horses and a wagon. They were forced by their poverty to pull handcarts containing all of their belongings across the plains by their own brute strength. President McKay relates an occurrence which took place some years after the heroic exodus:

 

“A teacher, conducting a class, said it was unwise ever to attempt, even to permit them [the Martin

handcart company] to come across the plains under such conditions.[According to a class member,]
some sharp criticism of the Church and its leaders was being indulged in for permitting any company of converts to venture across the plains with no more supplies or protection than a handcart caravan
afforded. An old man in the corner… sat silent and listened as long as he could stand it, then he arose
and said things that no person who heard him will ever forget. His face was white with emotion, yet he spoke calmly, deliberately, but with great earnestness and sincerity. In substance [he] said, ‘I ask you to stop this criticism. You are discussing a matter you know nothing about. Cold historic facts mean nothing here, for they give no proper interpretation of the questions involved. Mistake to send the Handcart Company out so late in the season? Yes. But I was in that company and my wife was in it and Sister Nellie Unthank whom you have cited was there, too. We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism? Not one of that company ever apostatized or left the Church, because everyone of us came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives for we became acquainted with him in our extremities. ‘I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it.’ He continues: ‘I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there. ‘Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.’ (Relief Society Magazine,Jan. 1948, p. 8.)

Here then is a great truth. In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiner’s fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright, intact, and strong. In this way the divine image can be mirrored from the soul. It is part of the purging toll exacted of some to become acquainted with God. In the agonies of life, we seem to listen better to the faint, godly whisperings of the Divine Shepherd. Into every life there
come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of
anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process.…The proving of one’s faith goes before the witnessing, for Moroni testified, ‘Ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith’ (Ether 12:6). This trial of faith can become a priceless experience.” (Conference Report, May 1979 Ensign, “The Refiner’s Fire”

He Sends Angels

"have angels ceased to appear unto the children of men?"... "Behold I say unto you, Nay; for . . . it is by faith that angels appear and minister unto men. . . . "in times of special need, He sent angels, divine messengers, to bless His children, reassure them that heaven was always very close and that His help was always very near...when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day. (Elder Holland Oct 2008 conference)

I was reminded of this conference talk while talking to my sister. She is always great to talk to because she is so full of insight. She looks at things in new ways and helps me to sort out my thoughts. I was struggling with a decision and as we talked about not judging others too quickly she shared an experience she had just that day.

she said, "and yet a refiners fire will sometimes make more of a man then a perfect past can. Today I stopped to help this lady get her car out of the snow. I was weak and sick and wearing leather shoes I stood in ice water for 20 minutes trying to push her car out and finally i started praying for angels because once i offered to help I had to finish what I started. so guess what the angel looked like? he had black scraggly hair down to his waist, and a mangy tangled goatee and a tattoo on his neck. he was the only one besides me who stopped to help. A physically sick girl and a obviously wounded soul was he and yet he helped. He wished us a good day and expressed concern that we be careful because the roads were icy."

I am grateful for my sister's story. My family is so often the angels in my life to lift me up. she reminded me that sometimes our angels aren't who we expect them to be..they don't look how we think they should look or have the lifestyle we think they should have, "but the Lord places certain people in our lives to teach us something no one else can" ...and sometimes it is our responsibility to be the angel. I include Elder Holland's testimony as he shares my thoughts so perfectly..." I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. "[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved." On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal... In the process of praying for those angels to attend us, may we all try to be a little more angelic ourselves—with a kind word, a strong arm, a declaration of faith "

Black Ice Ahead

Having been raised in Sacramento, Ca snow is not something I am on particularly good terms with. I look upon it as something to be avoided, a necessary evil if you will. However, a few years ago I acquired a rush-hour commute from Pleasant Grove to Provo and learned some valuable lessons along the way. One Tuesday morning in November, I woke up expecting to find mounds of snow piled high on the streets. To my surprise the snow had been cleared from the roads...SCORE!! I was off the hook for another morning...or so I thought. Once I hit Orem it was a different story. Lets just say the road crews in Orem are not quite as efficient ...black ice and snow covered the roads...traffic slowed and I was a little tense but so far doing okay. My turn was coming up. As I attempted to move to the left hand turn lane I slid on ice. Having never driven in snow I reacted and made the wrong decision. I finally was able to stop my car. Unfortunately, the front end of my car was in the lane to my right and I didn't have enough room to straighten out and complete the turn. For the first time in my life I felt utterly helpless behind the wheel of my car. I wanted to get out and just walk away. I wanted someone..anyone else to drive my car and fix my problem. The problem I was sure I could not fix on my own. I was done. I didn't want to keep going. I know that sounds dramatic but I literally felt helpless. I was sure that if I drove any further my car would be history and I would probably take someone with me in the process. However, reality struck hard and I realized that walking away was not a viable option. I couldn't just leave my car on state street! I chose to turn my car in the right direction once again and go straight...there was more than one way to get to work. I would just have to try another intersection. So down the ice-covered hill I went. I made it successfully down the hill and stopped at the light. I was almost there-I could see the hospital. I was only a few minutes away from walking safely into work when my car lurched forward. Yes, the guy behind me slid on ice and right into the back of my car. Great. I never submitted a claim for it. My car wasn't dented. He only scratched some paint off my bumper. I wasn't hurt. Besides, there were scratches in other places on my car - it was an accident. It could have just as easily been me who hit someone else. I let it go.

Why do I write this...because all my life I've listened to people tell incredible stories about things they learned from seemingly small experiences...and I FINALLY got my own. What did I learn...1. I learned that quite often, I think I've got things all figured out. I assume that because a 'road' or a choice looks like its going to be easy it may not stay that way. There may be unseen and unanticipated obstacles along the way. 2. I learned that there will always be 'ice' on the roads of life...but the choices we make and how we react is the important thing. 3. I learned that even if we make a wrong choice...we can start over...there is always another right choice...we may have to stay on the 'ice' a little longer...but we'll eventually get there. 4. I learned that sometimes we choose a path and at the last second be are 'prompted' to take another path. We don't always get to know why. 5. I learned that sometimes you think you are safe. That you've made it without a scratch- and then life hits you from behind. We are left with a few scratches but it's nothing that the atonement cannot correct. 6. And I learned that through all this...the bumps and scratches...when things get hard and we just want to quit...to say "that's it..I've had enough..I just want to walk away" ...we can't. We have to keep going...we don't have to do it alone..our Savior is there to take the wheel and direct our paths...but we have to be willing to move forward..we have to finish...

Isn't it about Time?

Its interesting how things happen isn't it? Or I should say, when things happen. I was talking to my mom today-because she's a great person to talk to, and I was reminded of an incident that happened about six years ago. Back when I had to have my appendix out. No, I know what some of you are thinking...its true that my most embarrassing moment is also associated with this trip to the hospital but that is not the topic of my blog today. Perhaps another day.

Anyway, the conversation reminded me of part of a blog I had written just yesterday about the scriptures I was reading. (See Here) Near the end of the blog there is a quote by Hugh Nibley that says, "the miracle is in the timing, not in the event" and it made me realize how grateful I am for the timing of the Lord in my life.

This particular event happened near the end of my fourth year at BYU. I had just finished writing a 15 pg term paper for one of my upper level Political Science classes. (when I say JUST I mean I was literally walking out of my professors office after turning in my paper) On my way home from campus I started to experience some pain in my abdomen. I will skip all the fun parts of this story and just tell you that around 3am I was taken into emergency surgery and admitted to the hospital until later that afternoon. At the time, my apt was on the 3rd floor, try walking up six flights of stairs after having your lower abdomen cut open and restitched. Not fun. I was alone except for when my roommates didn't have class because my family was still living in California at the time. I couldn't even sleep in my own bed because it was too high and I couldn't climb into it without hurting myself.

I was supposed to stay in bed for a week, but after 4 days I couldn't stand it anymore. I almost passed out in the shower and then had my roommates drive me to church where I taught my Sunday school class sitting down (got chewed out by the Sunday school pres later -nice huh) anyway- what I'm getting at here is that it was a really hard week for me. I was restricted to my couch and I was not supposed to do any physical activity for two weeks.

Doesn't sound too bad? two week vacation from school. what's two weeks right? Wrong. This particular semester I had five dance classes in addition to my poly sci classes. And this was 3 weeks away from the end of the term. I missed a mid-term but I had an incredible poly sci teacher who I had taken a class from previously who told me not to worry about it until I was recovered. I also had several dance teachers who could have failed me for not participating but chose to count just coming to class toward my grade. It sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm really not- just illustrating the situation.

What did I learn from all this? Situations can't always be avoided so be grateful for the blessings you get. Blessing #1-I had great teachers who knew I was a good student and took some pressure off me!! Blessing #2- had my surgery been a week later, or even a few days later I would have had to take an incomplete on all my dance classes for the entire term. I would have wasted half my tuition money. As it was, my final exams in two dance classes were 13 days after my surgery. So not having practiced in two weeks I took my tests...I passed but it hurt like crazy...have you ever tried to samba/cha cha/rumba with fairly new incisions? Hip rib isolations are not a desirable post surgery activity. Just saying. Blessing #3- my roommates mom was in town and made me food for the first two days of recovery. Blessing #4- I had double insurance so I only paid $15 for a $16,000 surgery. I would love to complain about having the surgery or not being able to practice for my finals but I can't. I am just grateful I was able to take the finals at all!! That I was able to finish my paper beforehand and that the surgery landed on just the right date to allow me to recover for almost the 2 weeks before having to dance again. Its not the event, but the timing of the event that is the miracle. Big or small I am eternally grateful for the miracles in my life.

Still More

Today I was reading the priesthood session of General Conference-And I read a talk by a general authority that I have never heard of- Elder Waddell. (read talk here) As I read his talk I was thinking- "man this guy is saying exactly what I think but so much better!" As I finished the talk I realized that I probably need to apologize to quite a few people who have probably misunderstood things I've said. Lets be honest-for those of you who know me well or even semi-well you know that I just speak without censoring. If it comes in my head I just say it-I don't always have the skill to process it first and make sure it will be taken exactly how I want it to.

Let me explain. Many of you have probably heard me say that I hate when every comment a person makes is about their mission. I have even said that they need to let go and move on. But what I really mean by that, and I didn't realize how I was coming across until I read this talk today, is that sometimes people get stuck in their missions. Its the biggest learning experience of their lives and before they know it, they've been back a few years and haven't been able to move on. Here, I'm doing it again.

I think missions are great. I respect those who sacrifice so much to fulfil their priesthood responsibility. I love missionaries. I know that a mission is a huge opportunity filled with spiritual and personal growth. I am glad that so many missionaries love their missions and the people in them- they should!! I totally respect that. I love to hear mission stories and I love when people can invite the spirit by sharing something they learned while serving. But I also feel that a mission should be a jumping off point- when missionaries come home, they need to keep growing and serving...I don't want them to forget those things but they need to ADD to the mission experience. I know it won't be quite as dramatic but there are still people to teach and experiences to be had right in your own neighborhood. The mission teaches lessons that would otherwise take a lifetime to learn- but "the ongoing blessings associated with missionary service require application after the sacrifice" These missionaries need to take the lessons out of the mission and apply them to their life NOW!! If ten years after the mission-the only spiritual experiences you've had are from the mission- you are cheating yourself and everyone around you!

Maybe I didn't clear anything up at all- but I love missionaries, I applaud those who have served faithful missions-I love hearing your stories and feeling your spirits! I just don't want you to cheat yourself by thinking that's all you've got- The things learned on the mission are essential to making you who you will become, but it is not everything...there is a lot of life to still be lived after your mission!!

Red Sea Experience

Lately I've been thinking about a class I attended at education week at BYU this last august. It was a class taught by Kevin Hinckley about educating your desires. At one point in his lecture he started talking about how we sometimes box the Lord in and don't allow him to answer our prayers as he would like...That our mind is so limited that we don't always pray for the things we should. He gave the example of moses and the Red Sea. He painted this visual for us:


Moses and the children of Israel get to the Red Sea. They can't keep going through the sea, they have the Egyptians coming up from behind so they say, 'okay, lets go to the left. Moses pray about going to the left"...he does and gets a stupor of thought. "okay so we must need to go right" He prays and gets another stupor of thought. Now what?? "we can't just sit here. But neither way was right. I guess maybe we just stay and let the Egyptians get us"....


His point was that we do this all the time. We have option A and Option B- but what happens when neither of those are right? what do we do then? He talked about letting the Lord give us our red sea experience. let the Lord decide your course. Perhaps he has plan C waiting and just needs us to be open to the idea. He is waiting for us to say, "thy will be done" "I'll go where you want me to go" and once we do...doors will open that we didn't even know existed.


I feel like I've been standing on the shore of my Red Sea...I can't go backward so I've been praying about whether I should go right or left, not getting a clear answer. But maybe that is my answer...maybe I just need to relinquish control and look for my Red Sea experience. I don't know when it will come, or how exactly those deep waters will part but I know they will. The Lord has his plan C in mind for me...

Teaching the Teacher

So yesterday was my Sunday to teach gospel doctrine. When I prepared I thought it was going to be a really hard lesson, really disjointed and without reading the entire book of Hebrews, totally unconnected. It didn't really flow...so instead of trying to connect it myself I broke it down in a few sections and had my class teach the really long parts. I wasn't really sure how that would go over, and I'm usually not a huge fan of group work but nothing else was coming to me which was probably the spirit saying, "I know you hate this but today Lori we are going to do things MY way and you will just have to like it". Cause lets be honest, sometimes I need to be put in my place. Anyway-there is a point to all this. We were reading Hebrews 11. That chapter is all about people who acted in faith. Not a new concept for Sunday school but what happened was I had an epiphany about my own life. Right in the middle of class.

Hebrews 11:8

"By faith Abraham, when he was called to go out into a place which he should after receive for an inheritance, obeyed; and he went out, not knowing whither he went."

It hit me that I have been promised things too...but, unlike Abraham, I have been so afraid of making a wrong choice, that I haven't been making any choices at ALL. I am stagnant. I am simply existing, not really stepping out and taking chances. I know what I'm capable of...but since I don't have a map laid out in front of me I've been resisting taking any steps at all. what the heck is that?! That's not me!! Well maybe it was me in high school but that hasn't been me for almost a decade and I refuse to regress. So what am I saying? I'm saying if I want to be where I know I can and should be I need to start moving. Where? well I don't really know. My only plan right now is to move forward...if a door is open I'm going to walk through. And if its not a door- maybe I'll just have to climb through a few windows right?!?! yikes...I'm having a panic attack right now. But faith is relinquishing control sometimes and I do need to practice that a little...or a lot. so wish me luck.

Giving up my pearls....

I have a decision to make. One I am absolutely not excited to make. And for most of you who read this it will sound like nothing, but to me, I feel like my heart is literally being ripped out of my chest.
(If you have not heard the story of Jenny and her pearls please read it HERE now so that my future references make sense-its not very long)

For the past 21 yrs of my life my major goal has been to be cast as Eponine in Les Miserables. For 19 1/2 of those 21 yrs I was too terrified to sing in front of anyone and one day I realized, you do not get cast in lead roles unless you have some experience. So, I faced my fears and started voice lessons, auditioning, and doing theater. Which I have loved. I love performing and dressing up and meeting lots of new people. This dream of mine has been lurking in my mind my whole life...its something I really really want. Its also something I know I could do if I put in the time and made the sacrifice...that's where this gets difficult. This is my plastic pearl necklace.

Last night I went out with 3 of my very best friends. I put my phone in the bottom of my purse and forgot about everyone in the world except them. we didn't do anything exciting, talked and went to dinner- but I haven't laughed that hard in months. I literally hurt from laughing. I got home and remembered that I used to do that ALL the time. I love to laugh. I love to be with amazing people who bring out the best in me- people who inspire me to laugh. People who accept me with all my strength and especially my weakness! I realize I miss this more than I can express. When did something so important to me get pushed so far to the back of my life?

When did I sacrifice my meaningful relationships for shallow competitive backbiting ones. Relationships where people want you to do well as long as its not better than them. When did I trade feeling comfortable in my own skin for feeling self conscious and uncomfortable?

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying everyone in theater is shallow and self centered...I have met some very fantastic people on my way! I have met people who have changed my life and become some of my very best friends!! People I will love forever. But the vast majority of people I meet are not people I want to get close to...they are not people who would be a shoulder to cry on or someone to laugh with or talk to about the gospel and life until 2am...and for me, those are the things that make life full and meaningful.

I realized that I have spent so much time trying to make my way in theater and build my resume that I have been neglecting people I love and things that are of eternal significance. I hate that and this realization has caused me to think that maybe its time I removed myself from the distraction. Maybe theater- as much as I love it, is not my path. Maybe its time to give up my necklace...

It breaks my heart because I feel like I'm giving up on a dream...something I've wanted and something I know I could eventually have if I continue to work hard. I know I could accomplish my goal....but at what cost?? when I really step back and look rationally- I'm letting my life goals rob my eternal goals. I love theater, I love singing...but I know there will be other ways to share my voice with those around me...I think, as of right now my Disney audition in 2 weeks will be my last audition. I am walking away, I'm not sure if its forever, but right now I need to get the rest of my life in order and remember the things that are of eternal importance- my relationships, with my friends, my family, and most important my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.

Youth Conference?? me??

I have really been horrible at this blog thing, not as horrible at keeping a journal, but still, not great. Also that is way too many commas for one sentence. Anyway, that is not the topic of this blog. Back in June I was invited to be a counsellor for the neighboring stake's youth conference. That meant I needed to take 3 full days off work and spend it babysitting teenagers. I was not thrilled about this idea- being as I didn't even like teenagers when I was one. Well against my better judgement I felt like that's where I needed to be. I was assigned a group of 10 girls all about 16 yrs old. I also had a co-counsellor with about 10 guys the same ages. Well right off the bat one of my girls came in with more attitude than I was ready for. She really didn't want to be there and she made no pretense about hiding the fact. I was not prepared for this- I guess I should have been but I had worked the 4 days leading up to the conference so I was already really tired. I was totally relying on the spirit to get me through it...and I was nervous about this one.

well the day turned out just as I had anticipated, my girls kept disappearing and this one girl was like a poison, her attitude rubbed off on all the girls as the day wore on. I had to continually leave the activities to find my missing girls...it was exhausting and I had to keep reminding myself it was all going to be worth it in the end. I had to stop telling myself that I should have used my PTO for a weekend in Disneyland. right?! Anyway, that night we were all driven to the amphitheater by the temple where they did a concert for the youth and on the way there I was in a car with my poison child. I don't think she knew I was in the back of the van because she was talking to a mom from the stake about how stupid the whole thing was and how she was NOT coming back the next day and the best part was, the mom was agreeing with her and encouraging her attitude. There were a few other girls in the car that agreed with her and weren't planning on coming back for the next two days..I'm not going to lie I wanted to just sit back and cry. I felt like I was wasting my time. I sat at that concert with the realization that the next morning, I may only have five out of my ten girls come back. I seriously felt like a failure.

I knew I only had one choice. I poured out my heart in prayer for the entire hour and a half. I didn't really hear the concert. We had a 45 minute devotional coming up after the concert on the fields by the Temple. I needed to say the right things....I knew this was possibly my last chance to make a difference in these girls lives and to maybe talk them into coming back. But I felt very strongly that they NEEDED to come back. Well we started our devotional, I'm not even sure what I said but I bore my testimony to these 20 teenagers about the Gospel and the blessings of the temple. And when it was over at 11:30pm I went home and died in my bed. I can't even remember when I had ever been that tired after only one day.

The next morning at 7am I returned to do it all over again, not knowing how many of my kids would come back. To my surprise by mid morning I had 8 of the 10 girls back. My poison girl didn't return and she had taken one with her, but I felt a miracle had occurred that I didn't lose any more. Those 8 stayed the whole weekend and I developed a love for my kids...I still don't love teenagers- mostly the attitude- but I felt of the strength of their spirits and what they can become and it did turn out to be a great experience. was my patience tested to its limits? yes. Did I have an emotional breakdown at the end of the 3 days from lack of sleep? yes. Was it something I would do again if I was asked? Most definitely YES.

At the end of the 3 days I found a small note in my bag. It was written by a very quite girl in my group-one I actually thought hated me- She thanked me for coming and told me how she really felt we connected and that she could relate to me so well....surprise!! didn't see that one coming, but I guess we never do..I guess that's where faith comes in....you don't always get to see the difference you make but that doesn't mean it isn't happening.

Continue in Patience

I was looking through some videos today and I found one that goes well with my Limbo post. Watch video here I guess that's what i'm learning...to wait for my second marshmellow.

My own trail of tears

Memorial day is a great holiday. I am a sentimental person so I'm all about memorials and remembering. That's one reason I love history and genealogy so much. But along with being great its also a little sad. I am grateful to everyone who has sacrificed so that my life could be better. But I also feel things very deeply. So when I remember, I feel keenly the loss of those same individuals. Even people I don't know. When I touched the Vietnam memorial wall or walked through the Holocaust museum in Washington DC I felt physically ill thinking of all the families that have been touched by sadness and pain. I also remember those I have known, my grandparents and my friends and I have a selfish moment thinking how great things would be if they were still here...but I know life doesn't work like that. We can't live forever. All we can do is make the most of the time we are given and cherish the memories we make. So yes, its a wonderful holiday- those who have gone before us should be remembered and celebrated for their accomplishments and sacrifice but with those memories comes my own trail of tears.

Watch for falling walls...

A couple of weeks ago a friend and I were having a conversation about the way we are perceived by others and why...let me give some examples. There is a girl we know who is crusty to everyone. Upon first speaking to her you would assume she hates your guts. I did when I first met her. However, on further acquaintance you realize that she is such a great person. She really does like people and wants to be friends with them- and that crusty shell is just a way to protect herself in case someone doesn't like her.

There is also a guy we know who presents himself as, well...a jerk. He seems really arrogant and says some really rude things to people. But underneath all of that, he really is a great guy. He just hides behind his wall of protection- the wall that says, "I don't care what you think"...

Well, this friend and I were talking and I compared these two individuals with each other. They are very similar in many ways- they both want to protect themselves from being hurt or rejected by those around them. The wall is presented in two very different ways but it is there. I explained to her that everyone has walls- no one wants to be vulnerable. Some walls are very high, others not so high. Some walls are thick and others barely there- but they are there. The wall of arrogance, of apathy, or anger, hurt, distrust, judgement...there are so many walls.

The question is, when you come up against these walls, what do you do? Do you walk away? maybe. Because lets face it- walls take time and effort to break down or to scale over. Is it worth it to try? Everyone has a wall- but if you step back and see it for what it is, you will discover which tools you need to bring it down, or to help you scale over it.

With patience and diligence the walls of Jericho fell to the earth (Joshua 6), The walls of troy were breached with a wooden horse and superstition. The Persians conquered Babylon- despite their impenetrable walls by taking a dry river bed beneath the walls. The Maginot Line -between France and Germany- a reinforced concrete wall of fortified bunkers and heavy gun emplacements- was never used. The enemy simply went around it through Belgium rendering this strong force completely useless. The great wall of China in all its magnitude could not hold back Genghis Khan. These historical walls were strong and "indestructible" and yet they show that when there is the will to get around it- people do.

It is the same with us. If someone really wants to get past another person's walls, they will. But its not easy- sometimes it takes a great deal of patience and a creative mind to try something no one else has. I will be honest- I find the best way to circumvent walls is with love. A genuine interest in the other person and their welfare. You have to be patient and not be looking for anything in return. But I will also tell you- it is amazing to see someone for who they really are and what they can be without the wall of "protection" blocking the view.

Howard W. Hunter said, "If we are content to hide behind self-made walls we willingly forgo the blessings that are otherwise ours...may the Lord bless us that the walls of our minds may not obstruct us from the blessings that could be ours" I think this goes both ways- if we are content to let others hide behind those walls and judge them at face value we also lose out on blessings- maybe even just the blessing of gaining another friend and seeing someone for their true worth. Mark Twain said, "one learns people through the heart, not the eyes or the intellect" If you want to truely see people, don't use your eyes.

So yes, everyone has walls but with the right tools they will come crashing down...

Who am I to judge?

Today I want to write a serious blog- because I've been doing a lot of thinking the last week. Last Sunday I was sitting in church, by a friend of mine, and the thought came to me that she is more than I realized. I mean, she's my friend so I think she's great but it really hit me that she is a child of God with promised blessings and a purpose in life. Then I realized the same was true for everyone around me....and yes I've known this my whole life but I don't always give it the consideration and respect it deserves. Most of the time I am just impatient because people aren't doing or saying what I think they should. I admit I am not perfect and sometimes I forget that I'm not the only one on this earth trying to accomplish something and be a better person. Then last night my mom and I were watching a show called "who do you think you are". its a show about celebrities who find their genealogical roots and stories. Anyway, last nights episode was Gwenyth Paltrow and she was researching her great grandmother because her grandfather and family had said horrible things about her. Anyway, through the course of her research she discovered that her great grandmother, who had once been ambitious- had been kicked out of college the same year her mother and brother had died of illness. Then she married and her 3 yr old girl was run over by a wagon just 3 weeks before she delivered another baby- The woman was probably suffering from depression and her family didn't understand and resented her their whole lives. Why do I tell you this? because I think we all do that to some extent- we are too quick to judge those around us without knowing the circumstances that make us each who we are. We sit back, without any knowledge of an other's trials or maybe we think we do know and understand everything (but we probably don't since we can never feel what another feels) and conclude that they are mean spirited, arrogant, unforgiving, weird, a hermit, etc....when perhaps we should just be kind and reserve judgment. In this particular case- two generations were submerged in bitterness and resentment because no one bothered to look a little deeper- they were too focused on their own wounds to consider that someone else may be hurting as well. Then tonight my niece played the video of Susan Boyle singing "I dreamed a dream" click here I've seen it before but in light of my thoughts this week I was touched by it again. No one expected her to sing well because she wasn't a beautiful woman and yet- the talent she had inside of her was incredible. I know this is sappy but I really am amazed by the talents the people in my life posses- and I'm not just talking about performance talents- I'm also talking about the talent of patience, to love others, to withhold judgement, the talent for listening and understanding others. I am talking about the talent for sharing the gospel and speaking with the spirit I am talking about all those talents which are so often overlooked by the world. I have been overwhelmed this week by the worth of those around me and so grateful that they have been placed as examples in my life. I am so grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ- that when I do fall short and pass judgement too quickly on others I can be forgiven, that each of us can through that atonement rise again and continue on our path to become someone great- maybe not in the eyes of the world- but in the eyes of God and all those whose lives we touch and improve. I pray that each of us remembers who we are- beloved children of God. A God who knows us each by name and cares what we become. I pray that after we remember who we are- that we will also remember the same about the people around us. "the worth of souls is great in the sight of God" - that includes strangers, friends, family, and ourselves.

The power of one...

"we are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love him. We will stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things and in all places as we strive to live the young women values which are: faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works, integrity and virtue. We believe as we come to accept and act upon these principles we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple and enjoy the blessings of exaltation."

Every Sunday Young women all over the world recite these words. Once upon a time I was included in that- but it has been nearly a decade since I have given it much thought. Until last week, I was sitting in my Sunday school class, which also happens to be the YW room for another ward, and it drew my attention. Especially "we will stand as witnesses of God at All times and in All things and in All places" and I began to think- Do I really do that?

I came to the conclusion that No- I don't. I know that I should but it is not as easy as it sounds and actually I was much better at it when I was in High school. In high school I was not necessarily the most confident person but I was confident in what I knew to be right- and all of my friends respected it. Not one of my friends even cussed around me or invited me to a sketchy party- they always said, "sorry this isn't your kind of party". No one questioned where I stood or what I stood for.

Today however I cannot honestly say I am as firm in ALL things. I wouldn't say I act against what I know to be true- but I don't always speak up and be a witness for truth. In some ways I have become less confident- and honestly I hate that. I was reminded this morning that our influence on others, whether for good or for ill, is felt and can last a very very long time-in my case over a decade. And I decided that even though I live in the center of many of my same faith we are all at different levels of that faith and I still need to stand firm as a witness of Christ no matter where I am or who I am with. I would be crushed to know that my behavior or lack of conviction silently gave someone else permission to behave as they shouldn't. I would like to always think that my behavior influenced another for good, that it inspired them to reach higher and accomplish more.

Sometimes I feel that I am only one person, I can't really make that big of a difference, and that no one really pays much attention to what I do or do not do. But the fact is- one person can make a world of difference. I know this is an extreme example but Hitler was also one person- one person who influenced a nation. Everyone knows the effects of his choices - I often wonder what the world would have been like if he had harnessed that influence in another direction. Someone with his talent for speaking and persuasion could have done so much good and yet his gifts created a nightmare for so many. If one person can create so much pain-could not one person create just as much joy. I submit that it can be done. Yet so often we doubt our own strength to create change, we diminish our influence and power for good. If we stand as a witness for God in all times, and in all things, and in all places we cannot help but inspire and uplift- We each can leave our mark on the world and I hope to make mine a positive one!

Ask and ye shall receive

A few weeks ago I posted about an elderly man at the mall and the $5 bill that has been lurking in my wallet. True to that post I have been unable to use that money for anything. It truly is not mine any longer. Anyway, I am happy to report that I will not need to frame it and keep it as a reminder of a missed opportunity. But that is not the purpose of this post. Simply a beginning. Since my previous post I have walked past his car every night looking to see if he has left his window open at all- even a tiny crack would do. But each night I passed, all the windows were up. I began to realize that it is fall, and soon it will be snowy. I have no idea if he will be coming to the mall during the winter, I can't remember having seen him before this year. And even if he did come, with the snow his windows would most definitely be rolled up. So last night as I knelt down to pray I decided to ask that the opportunity would present itself. That at least one window would be down and I would be able to slip it in unnoticed. Well- "ask and ye shall receive" as I walked out to my car with a co-worker his driver side window was rolled down a couple of inches, which was a small miracle considering it had been raining all day! I walked to my car, got out the $5 bill, and waited for my co-worker to drive away. I pulled up next to his car, slipped it in and drove away saying a silent prayer of gratitude for small miracles.

$5 haunting

Every night when I leave work I see an old man in the parking lot. I can't say just how old because this poor soul is pretty weathered. He drives a very old rusty truck and always wears the same thing. I think he shows up sometime around when the mall closes and stays till who knows when. A lot of the people I work with get creeped out by him but I don't. It actually breaks my heart to see him. Last week I saw him as usual but this time he was looking through the trash- which if I had to guess is probably what he does everyday.
This particualr night I walked past his truck and noticed he had left his window down. I immediately had the thought "You should give him the $5 you have in your wallet. Just leave it on the driver's seat". But immediately as the thought came I also thought, "but what if someone sees me? what if they think i'm doing something mean? what if someone comes and takes it after I leave? what if he sees me and resents it?" I had a million different thoughts that kept me from acting on the first and more charitable thought. which I have to admit I am ashamed of. I don't need that $5 and in fact will probably never spend it. That 5 dollar bill will probably haunt me until I die because in my mind, it belongs to the old man from the mall. I once again let my fear of what others might think outweight a kindness. And now every time I walk to my car or open my wallet I remember what I should have done and didn't. I can only hope that next time I get a prompting like that, I act on it and tell my selfish thoughts to stick it! And hopefully in the near future I will walk to my car alone and his window will be down and I can correct the situation.

Tis the season...

Yes it is that time of the year where wedding businesses in Utah thrive. Summer is the time to get married and for some reason I seem to get invited to a ton of them. Especially lately. For the month of August alone I've had 2 bridal showers and five weddings and the month is not over yet. Anyway, that being said I usually feel some mixture of happy and sad. Happy because I love this person and you can see the happiness and joy in their face. They are usually glowing and I love that. And then I usually feel a little sad because 1. I'll admit I'm slightly jealous and 2. and probably the larger reason is I know our friendship will change. This person will not be part of my life as they once were. Someone has taken my place-and that's normal and how it should be but change is still hard. Its selfish, I know, but part of me can't help it.

But last night I attended a wedding that made me sad for an entirely different reason. This time selfishness was not the driving force for my feelings. The groom happened to be my little brother's best friend. A guy who has been around the family for about 2 decades. Like most people, his choices have not always been stellar or lead him down the easiest roads. He has gone through some hard times and over the last few years has really been trying to straighten things out. Which is great because we all love this kid! And last night he chose to marry a girl with a pretty black reputation, who has some substance abuse problems and dresses a little like a street walker. As a side note, I will say that even after attending the wedding I STILL have not actually met her- she didn't talk to anyone but her friends which was a little tacky- That being said, all my comments about her are strictly based on my impressions and others accounts of her character. And I am a firm believer that people can change- but only if they want to. who knows, maybe someday she will be a great person.
Anyway, as I sat listening to the two exchange vows I wanted to jump up and tell them to stop. I watched him as he told her he loved her and would take care of her forever. And I could tell that he cares about her but he still wasn't glowing. And I couldn't help but feel sad because he can't have her forever. Even if he wanted her that long, it can only last until death. Having attended several sealings in the temple- something was missing last night and my heart ached because of it. I think part of him knew it as well...he just doesn't realize how much better things could have been and it breaks my heart. I watched the two of them for the remainder of the reception. Except for pictures and the standard wedding program items the two of them were not really together. They went their separate ways and talked to their separate friends. There was no glow around them that usually makes me sick about a bride and groom- and I never thought I'd say this but I missed it. I like to see couples so in love they make me sick. But last night I was sick for a different reason...because someone I love gave up something incredible for something temporary.
I know that I want something more. I want to feel what was missing last night. I want a man who loves me enough to make it forever. I don't want to do things half way. I want it all or I don't want anything.

To be or not to be....just chose one already!

I received a text message from a very good friend of mine tonight. I was just getting off work and I texted her back. A few minutes later I just felt like I needed to call her. For those of you who know me- I hate the phone. I hate calling anyone or being called unless there is something very specific that needs to be discussed. Anyway, this was a big deal for me but I dialed the number anyway. Turns out the phone call was, I hope in some way, useful to her but it also served as a reminder to me of a very valuable principle I sometimes forget. one about decision making.

When you make a choice, if its right, keep moving forward. Don't allow doubt to creep in and cause you to second guess that decision. Whatever the decision may be..a job, a spouse, a move..etc. don't allow doubt and regret to cloud your mind. Even if everyone else thinks you are crazy-Make your choice and be happy with it.

Lets be honest- this life is about learning...even if you make the wrong choice sometimes, which we all do, unless it kills you- you can make a new choice. Take what you've learned and head down a better path. But don't keep asking yourself if it is to be or not to be...pick one and be happy.

Something to aspire to...

"I have never seen a woman in my life, who would endure every species of fatigue and hardship, from month to month, and from year to year, with that unflinching courage, zeal, and patience, which she has ever done..she has been tossed upon the ocean of uncertainty- she has breasted the storms of persecution, and buffeted the rage of men and devils, which would have borne down almost any other woman" -Lucy Mack Smith (said of daughter in Law Emma Smith)

EMMA SMITH

Just the other day my mom was watching a show on KBYU (I think) and I was only half listening when my attention was drawn away from my computer. A woman was retelling a story about Emma Smith. She wanted a blessing from her husband Joseph Smith before he was taken to Carthage jail. There was not time so Joseph told her to write the things she most desired and he would sign it on his return. I have included the blessing below because I think it is beautiful. She was a very intelligent and wise woman and one of my hero's. I know she gets a lot of flack for her actions after Joseph's death but in my book, Emma is still someone to be admired. These are her words:

"first of all that I would crave as the richest of Heaven's blessings would be wisdom from my Heavenly Father bestowed daily, so that whatever I might do or say, I could not look back at the close of the day with regret, nor neglect the performance of any act that would bring a blessing. I desire the Spirit of God to know and understand myself, that I desire a fruitful, active mind, that I may be able to comprehend the designs of God, when revealed through his servants without doubting. I desire a spirit of discernment, which is one of the promised blessings of the Holy Ghost. I particularly desire wisdom to bring up the children that are, or may be committed to my charge, in such a manner that they will be useful ornaments in the Kingdom of God, and in a coming day arise up and call me blessed. "

"I desire Prudence that I may not through ambition abuse my body and cause it to become prematurely old and care-worn, but that I may wear a cheerful countenance, live to perform all the work that I covenanted to perform in the spirit-world and be a blessing to all who in any wise need aught at my hands."

"I desire with all my heart to honor and respect my husband as my head, ever to live in his confidence and by acting in unison with him retain the place which God has given me by his side, and I ask my Heavenly Father that through humility, I may be enabled to overcome that curse which was pronounced upon the daughters of Eve. I desire to see that I may rejoice with them in the blessings which God has in store for all who are willing to be obedient to his requirements. Finally, I desire that whatever may be my lot through life I may be enabled to acknowledge the hand of God in all things"

I echo many of her desires. Not all of them apply to me in my life right now, but I think and hope that someday they will.