Education is NOT the enemy

Here is my stance on education. I think everyone should get as much of an education as they can. When you are done with your formal education I believe you should continue to read and educate yourself for the rest of your life, in all areas. I love to learn, and anyone who knows me or has followed my blog from the beginning knows that...I have a BA in political science, a minor in ballroom dance, a cosmetology license, and I want to get a law degree and an MBA...now here is my point.

My wanting to further educate myself does not mean I am a "man hating liberal feminist". In fact I don't even see a connection with my level of education and my feelings toward the opposite gender. Oh wait, that's because there isn't one. I happen to think a lot of men are fabulous! However, that does not mean I am going to sit around and let my brain rot while I wait for one to sweep me off my feet. I am perfectly capable of thinking and acting for myself...I don't NEED someone else to take care of me. Does that mean I never WANT someone to...no, it doesn't. But until I find that person who is perfectly imperfect I will keep learning and moving forward.

A woman after my own heart once said, "I will never LOVE a man because I NEED him, but I will NEED a man because I LOVE him" and if I choose not to need or love you...its not because of my education or because I'm too independent...perhaps the problem is with you. Perhaps YOU are just not as great of a catch as you imagine yourself to be.

Mom loves me...what about you?

Recently a good friend of mine left on his mission (Australia, Mandarin speaking). But before he left he told me that when he gets home I am just the type of girl he is going to be looking to date. Totally sweet right? He's great- plus he sings like and angel. Anyway- I realized that conversation solidified my belief that 19yr old pre-missionaries, Parents, and bishops love me. The problem is- I just can't seem to convince their brothers, sons, friends, etc to love me as well. I guess there are worse things than having someones parents think you are a catch...I mean, it is rather flattering to have a guys mom think you are great and think her son is retarded for not seeing it...haha. Guess that's the way things roll sometimes.

More than a pretty face?

if you have spent anytime in Utah you know that it is full of really beautiful women. But I am going to go out on a limb here and say that a lot of those women pay good money for it-or I should say, their husbands pay good money for it. If you haven't been in Utah let me explain. Here in the land of Utah we have LOTS of bleached blonds, fake tans, bleached teeth, fake boobs, hair extensions, eyelash extension, and fake nails...these women spend their lives in the gym and I just have to ask myself ...is it worth it?? I mean I just wonder what their self-esteem must be like if they feel they need to go to such lengths to be beautiful. It becomes and addiction and for some, it stops being beautiful because its gone too far. By "too far" I mean, orange skin, spider looking eyelashes...come on...if it doesn't look real it counteracts the whole point of doing it in the first place right? The whole point is to pretend to the world that you were born like that-
It really just makes me sad that anyone feels they need to throw away their money on something so shallow. I'm not talking about you ladies who get your nails done once a week because it makes you feel sane- your time away to yourself. I'm talking about the women who are compelled to compete with every other woman around them because they feel like they have nothing else to offer the world...the women who feel like they need to be just like everyone else in how they look and what they wear, in what they think and even the way they talk...
the women who feel they have to look a certain way to catch a man...well, in my opinion, as off target as it may be, if you have to look that way to catch a man- he isn't worth catching. have some faith in who you are and what you can offer beyond being a trophy on someones arm. I think the women of Utah have far more to offer than just a pretty face...so maybe its time to start acting like it.

Youth Conference?? me??

I have really been horrible at this blog thing, not as horrible at keeping a journal, but still, not great. Also that is way too many commas for one sentence. Anyway, that is not the topic of this blog. Back in June I was invited to be a counsellor for the neighboring stake's youth conference. That meant I needed to take 3 full days off work and spend it babysitting teenagers. I was not thrilled about this idea- being as I didn't even like teenagers when I was one. Well against my better judgement I felt like that's where I needed to be. I was assigned a group of 10 girls all about 16 yrs old. I also had a co-counsellor with about 10 guys the same ages. Well right off the bat one of my girls came in with more attitude than I was ready for. She really didn't want to be there and she made no pretense about hiding the fact. I was not prepared for this- I guess I should have been but I had worked the 4 days leading up to the conference so I was already really tired. I was totally relying on the spirit to get me through it...and I was nervous about this one.

well the day turned out just as I had anticipated, my girls kept disappearing and this one girl was like a poison, her attitude rubbed off on all the girls as the day wore on. I had to continually leave the activities to find my missing girls...it was exhausting and I had to keep reminding myself it was all going to be worth it in the end. I had to stop telling myself that I should have used my PTO for a weekend in Disneyland. right?! Anyway, that night we were all driven to the amphitheater by the temple where they did a concert for the youth and on the way there I was in a car with my poison child. I don't think she knew I was in the back of the van because she was talking to a mom from the stake about how stupid the whole thing was and how she was NOT coming back the next day and the best part was, the mom was agreeing with her and encouraging her attitude. There were a few other girls in the car that agreed with her and weren't planning on coming back for the next two days..I'm not going to lie I wanted to just sit back and cry. I felt like I was wasting my time. I sat at that concert with the realization that the next morning, I may only have five out of my ten girls come back. I seriously felt like a failure.

I knew I only had one choice. I poured out my heart in prayer for the entire hour and a half. I didn't really hear the concert. We had a 45 minute devotional coming up after the concert on the fields by the Temple. I needed to say the right things....I knew this was possibly my last chance to make a difference in these girls lives and to maybe talk them into coming back. But I felt very strongly that they NEEDED to come back. Well we started our devotional, I'm not even sure what I said but I bore my testimony to these 20 teenagers about the Gospel and the blessings of the temple. And when it was over at 11:30pm I went home and died in my bed. I can't even remember when I had ever been that tired after only one day.

The next morning at 7am I returned to do it all over again, not knowing how many of my kids would come back. To my surprise by mid morning I had 8 of the 10 girls back. My poison girl didn't return and she had taken one with her, but I felt a miracle had occurred that I didn't lose any more. Those 8 stayed the whole weekend and I developed a love for my kids...I still don't love teenagers- mostly the attitude- but I felt of the strength of their spirits and what they can become and it did turn out to be a great experience. was my patience tested to its limits? yes. Did I have an emotional breakdown at the end of the 3 days from lack of sleep? yes. Was it something I would do again if I was asked? Most definitely YES.

At the end of the 3 days I found a small note in my bag. It was written by a very quite girl in my group-one I actually thought hated me- She thanked me for coming and told me how she really felt we connected and that she could relate to me so well....surprise!! didn't see that one coming, but I guess we never do..I guess that's where faith comes in....you don't always get to see the difference you make but that doesn't mean it isn't happening.

Why now??

I'm exhausted. And I will tell you why. I have not slept well in two nights. Why? well because I have been having nightmares about my sunday school lesson on Sunday. Can I just tell you how ridiculous this is?? I have been teaching Gospel Doctrine for a little over a year now, through the Isaiah chapters of the Old Testament even- this is the first time I've had dreams about it. You'd think after a year all dreams about not preparing or forgetting my manual would have happened already. Why Now? I'm not really sure what triggered it but I'm not losing one more night of sleep over this. I can take a hint, I sat down and started my lesson this morning instead of waiting until tomorrow night...now that I've read it I see where the anxiety came from...it is a crazy lesson, all of 2 Corinthians and it jumps from chapter to chapter...ahhh. This is going to take hours...but hopefully I will at least get some sleep tonight.

The Gift of Winging it...

Recently my church chior has had a slight overhaul. And by slight I really mean huge. The regulars have mostly moved out and its still in transition of gaining more members. Two weeks ago there were six men and 3 girls. My friend Anna and I took turns singing the melody...because did I mention all 3 of the girls sing alto. Amazing. Anyway, this last sunday we were scheduled to perform and we actually had quite a few people show up for practice. At practice we had probably 10-12 men, 6 sopranos, and 2 altos....plus the pianist who decided to sing with us. NO big deal, I am a belter, I can project. Especially in the alto range where its comfortable and more fun to sing. Well all of a sudden its time to perform. I walk up to the front, get in my place and realize, i'm standing alone in my alto section. where the other girl from practice went I have no idea. I just chuckled to myself, because that's totally my luck. So now we are down and alto and gained another soprano. I calculate this in my head and panic slightly- I had never practiced this way...just how loud does a person have to sing to harmonize with 7 sopranos??? Good questions right...and then what is too loud, because you don't want to not blend??? Good thing i'm blessed with the gift of "winging it" the pianist, in her mercy, sang with me and no one in the audience could tell so all in all it was a success. Although can we please not do that again unless i'm prepared before hand??? yikes.

Stop with the dating sites already

How many dating websites do we need in this world?? seriously. I get a new add on facebook like every other day... "plenty of fish" "singles who love Jesus" I mean really....this is getting out of hand....

What does balanced mean???

one blog post in July? none in August? wow, I'm really slipping. Mostly I'd say its a lack of balance in my life. There are so many things I want to do, and so many things I have to do and no time to sit and get it all straight. Each week bleeds over into the next and before you know it, all the things I have to do take over my life, make me tired, and then all of a sudden those other important things just fall through the cracks. I hate that.
I've been thinking lately about who I want to be and the habits I want to have. I want people to be important in my life. And theoretically they are. But my actions don't reflect that. I have a friend on a mission I never write. I have friends in Idaho that I love but never call back. I have friends in salt lake that I never call and a standing rain check to go dancing with a friend I haven't really spent time with in almost 2 years. I am a crappy friend. I think this is why all my life I've never had more than one or two really good friends at a time....I'm not good at balancing things and they probably just get fed up with me and find someone better. I don't blame them. But its not because I don't love these people...because I do. I think about them and so many others on a daily basis...I just can't straighten my life out long enough to actually make good on my thoughts. It frustrates me to no end.
I would wish for more time in my days, but it wouldn't do any good. I know I would some how manage to fill up those extra hours with good things...but am I filling my hours with the best things??
also, I think I have something called chronic fatigue syndrome...I get tired ALL the time. and not just a little tired...but exhausted beyond anything I have felt before I had mono. The problem is...I just need to learn to deal with it. Its not going to go away. which is another reason to find balance...if I do to much physically, mentally, or emotionally I am a walking zombie...so one way or the other I'm going to have to find my limits and stick to them so that I can be a better friend and get all that stuff done that I need to do and maybe even some of the stuff that would be nice to do....its a goal anyway.