Not My First Trip

So...as many of you know I am no stranger to awkward experiences.  And guess what? I'm about to share another one.  First- the reader's digest version of the story:

About 3 or 4 years ago (I can't remember now) this guy found me on facebook and asked me on a date.  My first reaction was to say no but my mom gave me the "you need to be more open minded" lecture and I relented and said yes.  He took me to tucanos for dinner which would have been fun except my jaw was locked at the time so I really couldn't chew anything but pineapple.  The wait to get in was over an hour so I asked a lot of questions and tried to be a fun date.  While waiting we ran into my brother's friend and he says to me, "so, how long have you two been dating?".  Umm...nope. we aren't.  As we are eating dinner, the waiter then asks, "how long have you two been married?"  Later in the meal my date keeps saying awkward things to me like, "you have a really beautiful mouth"  by this point in the date I have already figured out that I will not need a second date with this guy.  After dinner we went to twilight (I think) and after the movie he tells me that I look like Kristen Stewart.  I hate Kristen Stewart.  so not a good move on his part. 
After the date I tell him thanks but that I really am not interested in going out again but somehow the guy talks me into another date.  I still to this day am not sure how he managed that.  Anyway- he is divorced with two kids and over the next few weeks he starts showing up, with his kids, to the mall to take me to lunch on my breaks.  Which some people might find charming but his kids were fighting over who got to sit by me and the little girl would scream and cry if I didn't hold her.  It was really weird.  He went to Hawaii and sent me a post card.  He would leave poems and pictures of roses he had drawn out of letters and symbols on my facebook wall.  he would send me long messages of nonsense.  I ended up going out with him a few more times (even though I really didn't want to) and finally I just told him we were done and were never going to be more than friends.  He asked if we could still see each other and go on dates and I said no.  So he un-friended me on facebook and stopped talking to me.  Perfect.  I never thought of this guy again.  Until this last Friday night.  dun dun dun...

Friday and Saturday this last week I was asked to sing at a family festival with the Hale center theater orem.  I got up, sang my song for a few hundred people, then went to the side of the stage to wait for the others to finish singing their songs.  As I'm standing there talking to a friend I feel a tap on my shoulder.  I turn around and there is this guy from three years ago.  This is how the conversation went:

Guy:  Hey, you did a really great job!
Me: Oh hey! Thank you.  How've you been?
Guy: How do I know you??
At this point I'm totally shocked.  What do you mean HOW do you know me?  I may not remember the names of all my blind dates but I do remember THEM.  Especially people I've been out with more than one time.  But hey if he didn't remember I sure wasn't going to be the one to remind him.
Me: oh gosh it was so long ago I'm not totally sure.  Maybe facebook?!
Guy: oh okay my name is so and so... and great job on your song.
Me: Thanks!

He walks away leaving me to wonder...did he really not remember a whole month of his life?  Or was he just testing me to see if I would say something?  Maybe he was crazy stalker date with every girl and just had so many he doesn't remember me.  Just because I never forget anyone's face doesn't mean everyone else is the same.  Maybe he got in a horrible accident and suffered memory loss.  Or maybe he is just awkward and instead of being an adult (in his thirties) and just saying "hi how are you?" he decided to play games and try and make me feel bad/awkward for the past.  But I don't.  I was honest from the beginning and he manipulated me and my emotions, dragging the whole thing out longer than it needed to be.  If he was hurt it was his own fault, but apparently he recovered just fine and has blocked the whole experience out of his mind.  Thank you ten second tom for, what was to me, an unforgettable experience.  But I am sorry to inform you that was not my first trip around the awkward block. 

Um...My Eyes are Up Here....

I am going to tell y'all about an awkward moment I had yesterday.  Hopefully it doesn't offend anyone reading. 

So sometimes my friend Amanda and I drive up to cottonwood heights to visit a very good friend of ours at her ward.  Yesterday we were sitting by her.  The meeting ended and we were kind of boxed into our row.  Amanda and I were talking and the guy behind us decided to join in...this is how the events played out.

Boy: you girls want to get out?
Me: yes actually.
Boy: Are you hungry?
Me: starving.
Boy: great, what are you making me for dinner?
Me: um...well that would be difficult since I don't have a kitchen up here.
Boy: where do you live?
Me: Pleasant Grove
Boy: oh why are you guys up here?
Me: we are visiting Amy.
Boy: oh well we are having games at his (Amy's boyfriend) house.
Random friend: no we are not, so and so is moving in
boy: we are not having game night.  But you should come to some of these other activities.
Boy: stops talking and stares at my chest. 

At this point I was a little surprised that he wasn't more stealth about it, usually by his age (mid twenties) guys have gotten a little more discreet in these situations.  I looked at Amanda to see if she had seen it too and for sure she had.  We had a conversation via eye contact that said, "did that really just happen?"  which I'm pretty sure he saw because he immediately switched his attention to Amanda and started talking to her. 

I honestly can say that has never happened to me before.  I have talked to several friends about it happening to them but never to me.  And really, to be fair to this guy - I got a sunburn on my chest on Saturday and my dress didn't exactly line up with it.  So I am pretty positive he was looking at my sunburn but why was he so awkward?  I can think of a million ways he could have made that NOT awkward.  Like just say something! "I like your dress"  "are you sunburned?"  anything! anything is better than just leaving someone to wonder what you were looking at.  boys can be so awkward sometimes!

Adoring Public

Last night I pretended to be a real person.  I went up to Salt Lake with some friends and had a grand old time.  Once in Salt Lake, well, cottonwood heights, we met some more friends for dinner and tried out a restaurant called Porcupine Grill.  Yummy.  Greek pizza- yes! It is a crazy long wait for a table but if you bring fun people it is no big deal.  Also, there is plenty of people watching to fill up the time.  After dinner was when the fun really began.  We drove to down town for hot chocolate.  Hot chocolate my friend Amanda said I had to try. 

I can't remember what the place was called....Hatch something.  Anyway, the line was super long and about half way through our wait time I started looking at the wall art.  I noticed that all the pictures were of little people. Then Amanda says, "oh those are the owners".  At this point I realize that I am in the chocolate store of "the Little Chocolatiers".  You know, the TV show.  So I approach the counter and it is the man himself ringing me up.  Let me tell you...he is a sassy pants.  But kind of funny. 

Bad news about it...they only serve frozen hot chocolate in the summer.  However, after talking to my new friend Mike (see above picture), Mr. sassy said that if we called ahead he would make it for us next time.  So nice of him.  As Mike was telling me about this conversation he says to me, "He is a really nice guy.  I am totally going to patronize him.  I mean, not him personally, but his establishment."  Nice Mike.  I will for sure be making another trip up- except, I can't remember how to get there.  I'll have to fix that.
This is my friend Amanda in this pic.  I was originally sitting across from her, but I was missing all the people watching so I moved to the bench to cuddle with her.  This lady to my right obviously thought we were crazy because she moved away from us pretty soon after this photo was taken.  funny thing is, the person who sat there next also got up and moved pretty quickly.  Coincidence? I think maybe not.  Perhaps we were just too cool for them.  they felt inferior being in such a close proximity to my awesomeness. 

After quite some time enjoying chocolate in all forms and laughing our guts out we decided it was time to head on back to Utah county.  As we walked out to the car I was a little confused because my dear friend Amy, who was riding shot gun, followed me to the back driver's side of the car.  And practically sat on my lap.  I was like "um, what the heck?" and then I looked up.  What did I see?  A middle aged couple making out right next to Amy's car door.  The best part was, the couple didn't even care that we were right next to them watching.  I mean, we weren't watching really but more looking on wondering how long they could possibly go.  They had to know we wanted to leave and their little game of tonsil hockey was stalling our departure.  They finally took a time out and we were able to pile in the car and make our way home.  It never ceases to amaze me the things I see when I enter the public arena.

I Could Be Wrong...

The local mall has this really great feature in it.  A fireplace.  A big one.  And near this fireplace are a few cozy chairs.  The down side to this is that people forget that this fireplace is not their own personal place- that they are still in public.  Last week while playing at the mall with some friends we happened upon a double date.  A picnic or sorts consisting of Little Caesar's Pizza.  I have included a photo of said picnic...with my friends in the foreground as a decoy.   Is this weird to have  a picnic date in the middle of the mall?? Not in Provo/Orem it isn't.  I've seen picnic dates on the median divide on major streets...this is a step up I guess. 

Then today I was walking through the mall and there was a couple sitting in A comfy chair.  Yes just one chair for both.  He was sitting and she was in his lap.  He was all snuggled up into her- with intermittent making out. Gross.  You are in public.  Fireplace or not- the mall is not really a romantic spot.  At least I don't think a high traffic area full of strangers constitutes romance.  But I could be wrong-

You Go 90%....or do you?

Remember how movies aren't real?  That just because something is in them doesn't make it fact.  How many people reading this have ever seen Hitch? Funny flick but not without flaw. 
I was informed this weekend, by a male friend of mine, that many men use Hitch's advice in their own dating lives.  What am I talking about? The infamous porch scene.  In the movie, Hitch tells Albert that if the girl fiddles with her keys that means she wants him to kiss her.  This is the exact thing I'm talking about.  yes perhaps in some circumstances it does mean she wants to be kissed.  But there are a number of other factors to consider first. 
1. is she actually fiddling with her keys? or were you in the middle of a conversation and she is waiting for you to finish your sentence before she turns her back on you to unlock the door. 
2. Maybe she got her keys out because her purse is too big and she didn't want to search for them awkwardly while you stood there waiting. 
3. Maybe she just likes to talk to you and be in your company. 
4. Or perhaps she doesn't even know you consider this a date.  If you asked her using the words "hang out" or "play" she is not even considering the possibility of any physical contact beyond maybe a hug and therefore may not even be aware of what she is doing with her keys.  If this isn't a date then he shouldn't even be considering attacking the poor girl.  And if you do consider attacking her...consider it again, and very carefully, because you may not get a chance to redeem yourself if you are wrong. 

Where Ever I Go...

If there was one place on this earth I would not expect to find a creeper it would be in the temple.  But that assumption was incorrect.  Even creepers go to the temple.  Let me explain for you.  So the other day I had some time and I decided to go to the temple.  I was the very last person they let in the room, the session wasn't full so I sat on a row all by myself.  which I loved.  Anyway being the last person in the room I was also the last person to go into the 'celestial room' (for anyone who maybe doesn't know what that is it's basically the most beautiful room I've ever been in.  white and clean with beautiful chandeliers.  Also no one really talks so its a great place to reflect on everything) While I was getting in line I noticed this guy..probably early 30s move from his spot to the back of his line.  whatever I just ignored it and moved on.  Once I got into the Celestial room I went to my normal spot by the window. (I LOVE that spot) It was extra nice this day because there was no one anywhere near me- they were all on the other side of the room.  while sitting there I noticed my awkward friend go to the west side of the building and stand by the door.  (There are 3 doors and they are all on the same side of the room- the opposite side than I was sitting on) As I'm sitting by myself I notice this guy keeps looking at me.  I just tried to ignore it but then I saw him move in my direction.  He started walking toward me so I braced myself for an awkward moment.  He was almost to me, made eye contact and then continued to walk around the other side of the room and out the door.  What the heck?  I mean, I'm not sorry to have missed the awkward pick up in the celestial room but he was NOT smooth.  If he wanted to just leave the door was much closer to where he was originally.  Or maybe at the last minute her realized it is inappropriate to hit on someone in the temple.  Just proves that awkward people can and will find me where ever I go.

Still My Most Embarrassing Moment Thus Far...

This story is SO much better in person, but I feel like sharing it, some of you may have already heard this, but its always good for a laugh. In may of 2005 I had emergency surgery to have my appendix removed.. but the story doesn't start there.....background: (gosh I can't believe I'm writing this...those who know me well will enjoy this story) okay, so first of all, while at school I had double insurance, BYU and my parents. BYU insurance sucks and my parents only covered me in Cali except for Emergencies. At about 3pm on a Monday I wasn't feeling too well but decided that my dance tights (which I always wore all day-it was just easier) were just too tight so I finished my shift at work and turned in my ten page paper and walked to my apartment. At about 7pm I decided I still didn't feel well and was going to bed. my roommate Jeni came in to keep me company and we discussed my symptoms. At this point I was not just feeling sick but actually was starting to have a lot of pain. Jeni informed me that it was probably just gas or something because if it was anything more serious I would be in tears. I wasn't so naturally Jeni must be right. I mostly just wanted her to be right because I sure as heck was not going to pay a $50 copay for gas! About an hour or so later my friend fawn came over to visit and she was telling a story...at this point I decided that I had better call my mom because I was in SO much pain I hadn't heard anything fawn said. I had never felt such intense pain in my life. My mom informed me that according to her medical book I should have gone to the hospital 3 hours earlier. who knew that 8 hrs of pain might suggest a larger problem. I agreed to have a blessing and go to the hospital. however, once I got there my pain had nearly disappeared. I thought to myself "great it was just gas..how embarrassing". I checked in anyway because in my blessing I was specifically told to seek medical attention. so after some seriously awful tests my roommate and I were in the ER having a good old time laughing and joking. In typical family tradition I had no standard symptoms beyond pain.
But like all hospitals they wanted me to undress from the waist up and put on a stupid gown. so I did, but I didn't do exactly as they asked. I left my bra on. why shouldn't I? I was going home. Or so I thought. they sent me for a CT scan (which by the way you aren't supposed to have any metal on in those things...does under wire count?) . blah blah blah...the super hunky 30 something year old doctor comes in after my scan and tells me I have 20 minutes before I go to surgery and I need to take the rest of my clothes off and then he left. uh oh. it is at this point that the mortification comes into play....well, when I first was admitted to the ER they put an IV in my arm. As I am trying to follow Dr. Studly's orders I realize that I can't get my bra strap over the IV in my arm. so my roommate and I, who have obviously been making great choices all night, take the IV bag off its hook and try to thread it through the bra strap. It didn't work so we started looking for scissors...no luck. I was totally tangled. the doctor comes back and asks through the curtain if I'm ready. to which I had to reply in utter humiliation, "no, I'm stuck"....he opened the curtain, took one look at the situation and just shook his head. he comes over in complete frustration but trying to appear patient and tries to help. about this point, one of the single and oh so attractive male nurses comes in and asks, "is she ready yet"....he then assesses the situation and comes over to try his hand at untangling me....no luck. A third very attractive male nurse comes in the room and says, "is she ready yet?" he then says, "oh, let me try I'm good at this sort of thing!" meanwhile I am just sitting there too embarrassed to even really be embarrassed, it was like a bad dream, really. I felt like a 3 yr old who just got caught coloring on the walls or something. I couldn't look at any of them. about five minutes later they finally got me unhooked. so maybe to some that doesn't sound too bad, three men helping me get undressed. however, it is not something I am accustomed to. the experience was WAY out of my comfort zone! ahhh. I guess the good part was, I was too worried about the situation to worry about the surgery. but yeah, I have done and said a lot of embarrassing things in my life, but this was the worst so far!

Excuse me?? What?

"I need a boyfriend... preferably tall, baby faced, with big brown eyes and a foreign accent ;)"

This is my niece's facebook status right now. She is 15-VERY 15. I read it and was going to say, "You are not old enough for a boyfriend. Try again next Christmas"

No big deal right? Problem is...Another friend. A male friend had a status update just above hers that said.."Who wants to see Jim Gaffigan and Mike Birbiglia this January with me?" And it was under THAT status that I started to type my response. Boy would he have been confused. I think maybe I didn't get enough sleep last night...good thing I'm not driving very far today :)

Let's Respect the Bubble okay?

I am a BIG fan of my personal space. I like boundaries. I let very few people cross those boundaries. My bubble is my safe zone. Seriously, I am not joking. There are very few people in this world I will even give a real hug to. Anyway, I like to keep a safe distance from me and basically the rest of the world.

Today however, I had to go pick up some stuff for my mom on my lunch break. I went into Sees Candy- bad idea during the month of December. The lines are Awful. Well, I'm standing in line and I realize there is a middle aged man standing behind me. But not just behind me- he is standing so close to me he is basically on my back. Like a barnacle attached to the Titanic. Being a person who really isn't comfortable with a strange person breathing on my neck I inched forward. What does he do? He inches forward as well. I mean really?! its not like someone is going to rush from the back of the line and slip into the millimeter of space between us. I know I am dramatic sometimes but I'm really not exaggerating. If this man had been any closer I would have been mistaken for Quasimodo.

It's just awkward. I don't like people I know to stand that close to me so why on earth would I want a strange man to do so? The answer is I don't. I think everyone should have to pass a social acceptability test before they are allowed to go out in public.

Excessive Touching

Yesterday I went with a friend to hear a band play at Valour. Its a small venue where lots of local bands play for their fans. Anyway, we are standing there listening to this band and I started to notice the people around me. I first noticed the guys behind me. Three guys in their early twenties, one of which was very vocal. He was also kind of dimwitted. Amy (the singer of the band) was talking about her guitar player and said his solo made her weep. The Einstein behind me yells back, "YOU make ME weak"....she was so confused. And rightly so. Since she said WeeP and not weaK. He continued to drool over her all night. I was slightly embarrassed for him.

The second thing I noticed was the awkward couple in front of me. she was totally cute. Her boyfriend on the other hand....um..yeah. He was like a foot shorter than her with greasy red hair and unkempt facial hair. He had zero rhythm and he repeatedly rubbed his hand, back and forth across the small of her back. And I don't mean just a few times or for a few minutes. He probably rubbed a whole in her shirt. His hand went back and forth for over and HOUR. Seriously? if that had been me I would have chopped his hand off. She didn't even flinch...actually she didn't even look at him once, its like they were at the concert separately and the only indication they had of being together was his bloody hand!! What is worse than awkward couples, awkward couples touching each other!

Two Reasons to Stay Single

Singles wards. I'm not sure how anyone makes it out alive. Last night I went to the CES fireside. Well, I went to a broadcast of it because the Marriott center chairs are SUPER uncomfortable. Anyway, they broadcast it in a building on the temple lot and basically my whole stake is invited to come...so all of alpine, pleasant grove, Lindon...you get the drift.

I am just going to say- EVERY TIME I go to something like this I realize why I, and so many of my friends, are still single. There was a guy on the row behind me who was not bad looking..but seriously the guy could not shut his mouth. He talked and laughed through the whole fireside. I am all about laughing and having a good time but seriously?! at 20 something years old you should know when it is and is not appropriate and you should be able to somewhat control yourself. A serious turn off!!

Now, lets talk about the boy next to me. Remember how I draw the awkward ones no matter where I go. Well this one was awkward. I am pretty sure he has ADHD. At least I hope he does because that's the only logical explanation. The broadcast is only and hour from start to finish and this boy had to get up twice. Which was actually less distracting than when he stayed in his seat. He bounced his knee incessantly! oh except for when he would slap his knee super hard to stop the bouncing. Then he started break dancing with his arms. Then he laid his head down on the pew in front of us and started snaking and body rolling from his head down. Then he decided to put his coat on but not all the way and then take it off again. He did this more than once. wow.

Between the guy behind me and the guy next to me I felt a little like I was in primary. I tried really hard to listen close but I have a feeling I will have to print that talk off and read it again. Perhaps next time I will go with my Asocial tendencies and watch it on KBYU by myself.

Like Bees to honey

This post has nothing to do with bees or honey. Its about socially awkward people who are always drawn to me. I have no idea why. Let me explain. Last night I went to my zumba class like I do several times a week. Last night the class was pretty empty (most people showed up late) There was about 5 of us in a fairly large room and this woman walks in and comes and stands directly behind me. I'm talking like 2 feet or less...she might as well have just climbed on my back! she was THAT close to me. No worries though, I've done a lot of formation dancing so I simply moved once the song started....and she is so awkward she didn't notice because she was staring at the teacher. however, once the song ended she was right next to me again. Just to test it out, I shifted further over....and she shifted with me. I moved back thinking "maybe I took her spot and she wants to be in the front" Nope...she moved back when I did. So basically I only got a half work out last night because I was so worried about getting hit by the flailing uncontrolled coordination-less arms 2" from my head. My only conclusion I can draw is that she wanted to be near the front so she could see, but she didn't want to BE seen- so she hid behind me. Seriously though....you cannot stand that close to a person in a zumba class...you have to stagger for safety reasons....and also because its weird. If she is there again tonight I am moving to the opposite side of the room. I don't really like bees anyway.

Use your words...

I manage people for a living. So whenever I go to other establishments I notice the employees, mostly asking myself if I would have hired this person. well, last night I went to a frozen yogurt place with some friends. This particular one closed at 11pm and since I work retail I never stay somewhere after they close. I always leave right at closing. So at 10:58 the girl working walks over to the front door and locks it. And let me just tell you -it wasn't the type of lock that only locks from the outside but you can still push open and exit. Also let me tell you that my friends and I were not the only people in this place...half the PG cheerleading team was there as well. At her not so subtle hint my friends and I decided to leave. I walked over to the door- knowing full well that I would have to unlock it to get out but I wanted to see what this employee was going to do. I start to push on the door and she runs over and says, "oh sorry" all innocent like she was unaware that there had been 12 people in her store when she locked the door and we wouldn't be able to exit....I mean come on, she can't be THAT stupid. She's not stupid-she's passive aggressive. Here is my problem with her actions, if you want people to leave just come right out and say it...."Hey guys thanks so much for coming in tonight but I have to lock up now", or "we are closing in about five minutes", or "can I help you with anything else before we close"....LOTS of ways to get your point accross without locking your patrons in the building. Just some advice, making people feel awkward has never been agreat customer service technique....save the not so subtle hints and use your words!

He's looking at me...

OK teenagers are so funny. I'm sitting at the table listening to my niece talk and She tells me a story about a boy in her class named...Spencer, I think. Anyway she says, "I saw from the corner of my eye that he was looking at me through the corner of his eye"...and then she starts to explain how he's been looking at her through the "super corner of his eye" wait wait wait...I must be too old to understand these terms...what is a super corner? She explained to me, her decrepit feeble aunt, that a SUPER corner is looking as far as you can to the side without turning your head. (The picture above is a demonstration of my nephew doing the "super corner" stare.)

Go ahead and try it. There is a huge difference between the corner and the super corner. I wouldn't have realized it before because everyone uses the corner of their eye but only creepers use the super corner. In order to look out the super corner of your eye your face has to be somewhat distorted and creepy. There really isn't a need for the super corner in normal life. I caution you to use this technique sparingly- only in times of dire necessity.