I Have But One Regret...

I don't really believe in regret.  I mean, I believe it's a real thing but I don't let myself dwell on the past.  It can't be changed so the best thing to do is learn what you need to learn and move onto your future.  Because of this philosophy I don't really think about the regrets I have in life...mostly I tell myself I don't have any.  But if I'm being honest with myself I do.  Some are bigger than others of course but there is something to learn from them all:

1. I regret not starting voice lessons sooner. 
  I hate that I let my fear of failure and the opinions of others prevent me from doing what I loved for so long! If I had just jumped in with both feet I maybe wouldn't still get so nervous when I sing in front of people.

2.  I regret not using the recording studio time I won at N.A.T.S. two years ago.  I couldn't decide what I wanted to sing so I threw it under my bed and forgot about it until it had expired.  Awesome right.  Just throw away a couple hundred dollars. 

3.  I regret not driving across the freeway to spend more time with Carly.  We were best friends since we were six years old.  Then we went to different high schools and I didn't ever see her.  When I got my license I should have driven the ten minutes to hang out.  Now I don't have the option. 

4.  I had an Ex (who will remain nameless) that treated me like a queen and I didn't appreciate him.  I don't regret our breaking up- I just wish I would have treated him better while we were together.  He really was a great guy.  Just not for me.

That is not bad right? four major regrets in 29 years.  But like I said, I can't change the choices I made.  So what did I learn?  I learned that fear can steal quite a bit of your life before you even realize it's happened.  I learned that I can't let my fear of failure prevent me from trying things.  It's okay to not be perfect at everything.  I learned that if you don't make decisions on your own life and the passage of time will take the decision away from you.  The opportunity of a lifetime is only good for the lifetime of the opportunity.  The door closed on my free recording time -because I let it.  I wasn't sure what I wanted so I ended up with nothing.  Something would have been better than what I've got now.  I learned that great friendships are deserving of my time.  That I need to take advantage of the time I have with people because they will be gone some day.  And although I cherish the memories we have...It would have been great to have more.  And finally I learned that I need to treat people better!  Even if I do want them to go away... it's better to be honest than to drag someone along.  As uncomfortable as it is- I need to always be honest and upfront with people and appreciate all the great qualities they have to offer. So you see, regret can be a good thing if it propels us forward and ultimately helps us to become a better version of ourselves.  I know I am better for every one of these experiences. 

I'd rather scrub the toilet

I would say I am a pretty organized and clean person.  I don't mind doing dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, etc.  I can do almost any chore/task and be fine- even enjoy it a little.  I will confess that there are two things I just don't like to do.  Not only do I not "like" to do them, it almost kills me to do them.  I put them off and off until I can't put it off anymore.  What are these horrific tasks? 
1.  Cutting my bangs.  I don't know why I hate to do it so much.  I cut people's hair all the time.  I guess if I had to come up with a reason I would say it's because I have to leave my eyes open and then I get hair slivers in my eyes.  Also, right after I cut them I have a hard time pulling them back- they are not long enough to stay in the bobby pins.
2.  Putting my laundry away.  I don't mind washing it but I just hate putting it away.  In fact, most of the time, I just wear my clothes off the dryer or off the end of my bed.  even right now I'm sitting across from a laundry basket of clean clothes that has been sitting on the fireplace for a week and a half.  (yes I still have enough clothing that I can leave half of it on the dryer for two weeks and not have a problem getting dressed).  I guess it has something to do with the fact that I work in a retail clothing store.  I put clothes away all the time and I guess when I get home the last thing I want to do is fold and put away more clothes.  Because at home no one is paying me to do it. 

I know they are ridiculous things.  But I kid you not, I'd rather clean the toilet or scrub the floor than put my clean clothes back where they go.  A minor vice- but I'm sure it will drive my future husband crazy.  Unless I no longer work retail- then maybe I can over come this flaw.  maybe. 

And the Rains Came Tumbling Down

It rained today.  I love when it rains.  Maybe because it doesn't happen very often here in Utah but when it does...look out- cause it's awesome.  When it started to rain tonight I took a walk outside.  Yep, I walked barefoot in the rain.  I let my hair get wet and frizzy and I enjoyed every minute of it.  While I was out pretending to be a crazy person I remembered another day I walked in the rain...

I was 22 years old and in my 3rd year at BYU.  I had just finished a dance class in the Wilkinson center which is on the east side of campus and had about 8 minutes (after I changed out of my practice skirt and heels) to get to my next class on the west side of campus in the Richards building ( for those who don't know, the RB is down hill, down a VERY big hill with lots of stairs)  Walking quickly it takes the full 8 minutes.  As I approached the glass doors to exit the wilk I was horrified.  Sheets of rain were being dumped from the clouds.  I had a slight moment of panic when I realized I couldn't wait it out.  So I hiked up my big girl panties and pushed the doors open and started walking.  Unfortunately, I was in flip flops.  Have you ever tried to walk in water wearing flip flops?  It's suicide.  Not having time to walk carefully I took the dumb things off and kept right on walking.  I finally made it to the RB, walked through the class room door and was met with stunned faces.  My teacher looked horrified.  I was literally dripping.  My shirt was soaked to my skin and my hair was drenched.  I looked like I had just climbed in the shower fully clothed and then decided to come to class that way. 
Please remember that I have naturally wavy hair so as it dried I looked worse and worse.  Plus I had a couple more hours of sweaty dance classes so yeah... I looked awesome!  By the time I got home there was really no point in fixing myself up...I mean, half of BYU campus had already seen me and I was just going to bed soon anyway.  Oh except I didn't go to bed right away.... I rarely slept during this year of my life ( my roommates were too much fun to sleep). 

My roommates and I were throwing a dessert party on Sunday (this was Friday) and we decided we needed to go shopping for baking ingredients.  None of us really dated at BYU, probably because we had too much fun together.  So to Macey's grocery store on a Friday night we went.  We finished shopping and loaded up my trunk and began our drive back to our apartment south of campus.  I stopped at a light and a car pulled up next to us.  A car full of boys who were singing along to their music.  Awesome!  As the light changed my roommate in the back seat waved goodbye to the car full of men.  We drove straight.  They turned right.  The next thing I knew they had circled the block and pulled up on my driver's side.  The guy in the passenger seat asked where we were going and then asked if they could come.  I told him sure- the kid looked about 18 and I was 100% positive they were not really going to come...and if they did they wouldn't stay long.  As we pulled into the parking lot my roommate got out to tell them where to park and informed me that I had been wrong.  They were most definitely NOT 18.  whoops.  We ran upstairs, threw all our junk down the hall and closed the door.  A few seconds later I opened the door to a very tall good looking brunette who had been talking on his phone but was now starring at me.  At that point I remembered that I had not fixed myself from my mid-day jaunt through the rain and probably looked worse than a drowned rat.  Great. 

Well, these guys stayed for hours, called several of their friends and before we knew it we went from the single girls with no dates to the girls with 12 hotties in their apartment.  By the end of the night that good looking brunette had my number and he and his friends were coming back on Sunday for dessert night.  Which then turned into a 3 month relationship for me, super creative fun new friends, and a future marriage for one of those fantastic roommates of mine.  And that is the story I remembered in the rain tonight...that sometimes great experiences come from seemingly bad luck, that sometimes there are people who find you beautiful even when you don't feel it, and that you never know what adventures lay just around the corner....

Spaz-tastic Me

So tonight while getting ready for bed...actually, let me back up.  I am leaving my current position at my full time job- which means very shortly I am losing my health insurance which is amazing.  So I've been on a 'stay-cation' for about 1 1/2 weeks now.  using my paid time off.  Anyway, while on this break I decided to take care of stuff that I usually don't make time for.  So this morning I had some blood drawn and then I went and had a really ugly mole removed.  At this point I just want to stop and say that the only people working in the Dr's offices today were attractive 20 something year old men.  I was anticipating an embarrassing moment but to my delight- it never came.
Anyway, the Dermatologist did his thing and put a band aid over it.  I left his office and went about my day.  Part of my day was also phase one of cleaning my car.  Wash it, vacuum out the inside. (phase 2 is on Saturday when I get to scrub and extract the filth from the upholstery.  which I hate but it has to be done.  If anyone wants to help just let me know!). 
Then on to my recital which wasn't horrible- I'm not completely happy with it, but I never am.  Came home and watched a psych episode and started getting ready for bed around 9pm (yes I know that's early but I'm exhausted.  I would be asleep already but I wanted to blog first) 
As I am taking the bobby pins out of my hair I'm looking at the place where he removed my mole and I'm thinking something looks a little off.  I realized the skin around it was lighter than the rest of my skin. I had a brief moment where I thought, "weird, I wonder if the neosporin is bleaching my skin.  But in a perfect circle?"  Seriously- perfectly symmetrical- like a crop circle, only on my neck.  Then I realized that my arms, and chest were sunburned.  And THEN I remembered that he had put a round band aid on my neck and I had it on while washing my car- outside.  My skin isn't bleaching, just everything else around it got darker.  Sometimes I think I should dye my hair blond and just accept my dumb moments.  Either that or I need to get outside more often so I can remember what tan lines look like.  I wish I could have taken a picture but it is so faint that you can't really see it except in person.  But I thought anyone who knows me might enjoy my spacey moment. 

Take One Down...

I have decided that this summer I am going to try and conquer many of the more realistic items on My Bucket List.  This weekend, I accomplished #95- Ride a zip line.  Done.  Although now that I've done it I want to ride the zip line that goes over Vegas and the huge one in South America- I think it's maybe in Brazil somewhere.  First check mark- 99 to go.

Ten Second Tom

Lately I have had zero concentration.  I can't remember anything.  My short term memory is almost non existent these days.  I can't remember if I put my keys in my purse.  I can't remember why I walked into a room.  Did I lock my door?  where did I put the money my friend paid me?  seriously I've lost $32 in cash this week.  I think I shouldn't be allowed to take cash anymore.  Let me share with you a conversation I had today at church.  The bishopric member was making the announcements for the week and he mentioned that for FHE we would be playing murder in the dark.  I turned to my friend Amanda and said:

Oh I love that game.  did you go to FHE where we played murder in the dark for Halloween?
Amanda:  No I didn't.
Lori:  oh it was so fun.
Amanda: are you coming then?
Lori: coming to what?
Amanda: FHE.
Lori: what are we doing?
Amanda: MURDER IN THE DARK!

wow. her face was priceless.  But I seriously couldn't remember anything.  I think I might have to find that better doctor soon and maybe get a brain scan or something.  I used to have a photographic short term memory...perhaps it's just old age.  who knows.  

I love Dead People

Do you ever have things you want to do or things you know you should do but you avoid them like the plague??  I do it all the time.  But not for normal procrastinating reasons.  And not because I just don't want to do them- sometimes I really want to do them.  fact about me: when I start something I want to finish it immediately.  This is why it is hard for me to read.  I LOVE reading but once I start it sort of consumes my life.  Also, genealogy.  I can't stand not finding what I'm looking for so I sacrifice sleep, my social life, basically anything that is not manditory to keep looking.  These really good things consume every spare second I have and suddenly they are not so great- totally my fault.  I need to be better at self discipline.  Anyway, I recently discovered a new thing that has been consuming my time.  (if you will notice I haven't blogged in a few days because of it.)  Indexing. (Indexing = transcribing vital records so that they are easy to read) I've been avoiding this for years.  But I finally gave in and started.  probably sounds boring to some but I have a morbid curiosity with dead people.  Not with the actual body (even that is questionable- forensics also fascinates me) but the "who were they?"  I was indexing death records the other day and I was literally crying on my couch.  Most of them are just old people dying of natural causes but there were two that really caught my interest.  One was an 18 year old black man, died from a gun shot wound to the head.  Murdered outside a cafe in Texas in 1968.  The other was a 20 year old housewife who committed suicide. Lysol poisoning.  I start wondering who these people were and what circumstances brought each of them to that point.  was he involved with the wrong people or was he a victim of racial injustice?  was she mentally unstable or was her marriage so bad she saw no other way out?  It really makes no difference but I love figuring people out -and the WHY just fascinates me- people fascinate me. 

My Impractical Hobbies

I have a friend at work who has a recipe blog where there are evil things.  Everything is made with butter and cream cheese and basically everything I've ever made has been divine.  But so not low calorie.  which I am not overly concerned about.  This is my dessert theory- If you want to watch calories you shouldn't be eating dessert anyway.  Go find a carrot.  If you are going to bake, do it right.  Use the good stuff.

So anyway- I love to bake.  It is one of my hobbies.  Everything always looks so pretty when you are done and my treats can bring smiles to grumpy faces.  I'm really quite good at baking.  Tonight I had some time so I decided to bake the Mousse Trifle you see above.  But this little beauty has to set up for 8 hrs before it can be served.  So naturally I had to make something else that could be eaten tonight.  If you've been reading this blog for awhile you know my dad doesn't like to wait for his desserts.  (Click here to be enlightened)So I couldn't make something and then tell him he gets nothing until tomorrow.  So I made the delicious Pumpkin Spice Bunt cake you see below.

I wasn't sure about this one when I started, but it was fairly inexpensive and NOT time consuming compared to what I'm planning for next week.  So light and fluffy- even the cream cheese glaze was light and delicious. 

Problem with this hobby is that there are only 3 people in my house.  Three people can not possibly eat all this dessert.  Even if we wanted to.  We would be sick.  Turns out my hobbies are not super practical.  I will need to find someone to share this stuff with ASAP- otherwise it will all just get thrown away.  Boo.  These are meant to be enjoyed not discarded.

Later this month:

Cranberry Cheesecake Bars.  I make the caramel apple cheesecake bars all the time and they are amazing so I'm hoping these are just as good. Still need someone else to eat them all for me...

My Bucket List

I finally got my bucket list to 100 things.  I'm sure i'm missing some must do things but my brain hurts from thinking.  If you know of something that might be of interest let me know so I can decide if it does in fact need to be added to my list....or if you want to help me cross something off my list that would be fantastic as well....so here it is-in no particular order:


1.visit the Ben and Jerry's factory
2.fly in a hot air balloon
3.spend the 4th of July in dc
4.tour western Europe
5.ski- (snow and water)
6. sumo suit wrestling
7. four wheeling in Moab
8. duck tours in Boston
9.see Wicked in orchestra seats
10.Learn archery
11.become a marksman-(riffle and hand gun)
12. Learn to play the violin
13.be cast in a lead role in Les Miserables or Miss Saigon
14. learn to ride a horse
15.work at Disneyland
16.go on a cruise
17.snorkel in Maui
18.go to Carlo's bakery in NY
19.visit Pearl Harbor
20.sing the national anthem at the strawberry days rodeo
21. ride a gondola in Venice
22.visit Jerusalem
23.visit the valley of the kings/ great pyramids
24. attend a renaissance fair
25. get good at tennis
26. go deep sea fishing
27. learn snowboarding
28.learn fencing
29.learn french
30.learn latin
31.learn to read music
32.go to the Grand Ole Oprey in Nashville
33.learn to tap dance
34.ride an elephant
35.visit the Titanic in a sub.
36.go on a helicopter ride
37.learn to indoor rock climb
38.visit the San Diego zoo
39. milk a cow
40.visit Niagara falls
41.visit Yellowstone
42.visit the Parthenon
43.go inside the Statue of Liberty
44.visit the Notre Dame cathedral
45.visit the Taj Mahal
46.visit the Colosseum in Rome
47.tour the Louvre
48.watch a live sumo wrestling match
49.visit Universal Studios
50.tour Hearst Castle
51.learn to play chess
52.restore a classic car
53.sleep in a castle
54.stay in the Disneyland Grand hotel
55.see a play on Broadway
56.go to the Sundance Film Festival
57.see Cirque de Soleil
58.attend a masquerade ball
59.go to the Kentucky derby
60.attend an Olympic event
61.watch the Macy's thanksgiving day parade live from time square
62.see a show at the Radio City Music Hall
63.watch the Rose Parade live
64.attend a murder mystery dinner
65.tour the wax museum in L.A.
66.visit Auschwitz
67.learn calligraphy
68.get an MBA
69.eat at the undersea restaurant Ithaa
70.attend a civil war re-enactment
71.go to Bryce canyon
72. learn to change my oil
73. learn to change a tire
74. sing on an EFY CD
75. sing at the conference center
76. eat pizza in Italy
78. visit the boardwalk in Atlantic city
79. take the church history tour
80. get married (what the heck- that can go on a bucket list right? )
81. Go to Disneyland at Christmas time
82. Visit Ford's theater
83. Arlington National Cemetery
84. go inside Buckingham Palace
85. See the Sistine Chapel
86. finish the quilts I started
87. Make my own CD
88. Get a law degree
89. Dinosaur museum at thanksgiving point
90. write a book
91. Ride a train ( a real one not the one at the zoo)
92. Be in a show at the Hale Theater
93. Find my Grandpa's family
94. visit the city of Pompeii
95. ride a zip line
96. Meet Clinton Kelly
97. Go to the Hershey Factory
98. do a session at all Utah temples
99. Become a certified EMT
100. Learn to golf.

If You Couldn't Fail

I have been thinking about this question. It's actually a really hard question to answer. What would you do? The only way I could answer it was to ask myself, "What things have I not done because I'm afraid of failing?" Honestly, I always try to do the things that scare me-I don't want to end up with a life of regrets. But am I honestly giving it my all? Or am I doing just enough to say, "I tried." But not really extending myself far enough to make 'failure' possible. In what areas of my life am I afraid of failing? How am I protecting myself and preventing failure?
Some of these are going to sound so dumb but they are legit fears- some of them I didn't even know I had until I really started thinking about this question.
1. I would move to DC
2. I would audition on Broadway/voice of a Disney princess
3. I would go to Tennessee to research my Grandpa's family
4. Share the gospel with some very special people
5. Get married.
I told you, some of those sounds strange. Some of them even sound like, "why are you afraid of failing at that?" I can't really explain it. actually, yes I can. I am a bit of a perfectionist with myself. Other people I can forgive/overlook failure or mistakes. In myself it is nearly impossible. Especially if it is financial failure. Nothing scares me more than debt. well-almost nothing.
Many of you know my original plan was to go to law school and do constitutional law. Civil rights and all that. what better place to do that than Washington D.C. Well, then I remembered the movie Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. I would be Mr. Smith. Full of noble ideas up against the corrupt world of politics. If I knew I couldn't fail- I would move to DC and change everything that is wrong with our government.
number 2 is pretty easy to figure out. If I knew I couldn't fail I would love to do a show on Broadway- the next Sutton Foster. But I am still working on community theater. Broadway is a dream. A big bright scary one. And if not Broadway-I would love to be the singing voice for a Disney princess. Dream come true.
3 is another one of those.."why would you fail at that?" My grandpa's family pretty much does not exist before 1860. I know. I've done a lot of Internet searching. They were poor and the courthouse was burned-taking all the records with it. So what am I afraid of? Spending money to take and extended trip to Tennessee, spending hours on hours searching and still coming home with nothing but greater frustration. So if I don't look, I can't fail. But if I don't look I fail anyway right?
4-most the time I don't have a problem sharing my testimony and the gospel- except when I think it won't be received well. No big deal right? that's their loss. But who I am is so deeply rooted in my testimony of Jesus Christ that for someone to reject or belittle my belief is like a literal slap in the face. If I feel safe I will share anything with anyone- but if I feel like a person doesn't care or isn't interested I keep things to myself. Trivial things. So if I can't share trivial things for fear of rejection, think how much harder it is to share the foundation of your character with someone who couldn't care less.
and the last one. Yep. I said it. I am afraid of having a failed marriage. That is why I date losers. I know things won't work out. Then I can just have failed relationships and an excuse for not getting married. If you don't get married you can't get divorced. STOP. before you jump into a lecture, I know this thinking is messed up. This was my underlying belief for most of my life. I only recently realized that I even had this subconscious belief. But I realize it now. I know where it came from and I am working to replace it. (thus my dating and marriage 'goals') but unfortunately, walls that have been built and fortified for decades do not come down easily. But like they say, admitting it is the first step.
Now that I've shared WAY too much about my beliefs and thought processes I want you all to think..."what would YOU do if you knew you could not fail?" you don't have to blog about it, but you might learn some pretty interesting things about yourself in the process...

Today I Love...

Right now I am loving being in my cute and comfy PJs, sitting in my big fluffy warm bed. I also love that it rained yesterday instead of snowing. I love that I had the day off today. I love that I had voice lessons today. I love that I made one of my favorite desserts and that I plan on eating it for breakfast. (yes I have not given up all of my college habits- and I probably never will) I love that I got to go to zumba this morning with my second favorite teacher and dance my little heart out. I love that I got to talk to some of my very favorite people today (sadly not all of them). I love that I have a mother who helps me sort out my thoughts. I love that I own so many books and can read them anytime I want. I love that my hard cover (expensive) copy of Grimm fairy tales did NOT get thrown in the trash (since I put it in a box in the garage-don't ask why, I have no idea. I don't even remember doing it) I love that I made someone smile today- sure they may have been laughing at me because I was singing in my car by myself-but a smile is a smile. I love that my house is quiet and I can go to sleep and not get woken up until my alarm goes off for work tomorrow. I love that I get to blog whenever I need to. These are a few things I Love today. What do you love?

Just a Wish

Random Facts about me:

1. I LOVE ornaments. I have gotten at LEAST one every Christmas since I was a toddler.

2. I LOVE to dress up

3. I like to have ornaments of the things I dress up as.

As many of you know I dress up as Snow White quite often. Well, I buy ornaments that remind me of Snow White. This year I bought a red apple ornament. I was totally satisfied with this...but you see, the other night I was watching 'you've got mail' with my niece and I noticed Meg Ryan hanging a tiny pair of ruby slippers on her Christmas tree. Suddenly I needed a pair of tiny ruby slippers since I dressed up as Dorothy this last Halloween. Problem is- its a Hallmark keepsake ornament from 1998(ish)(bottom slippers) or the keepsake from 2009 (top). Which means that one ornament is about $30-$50. I just don't feel like I can justify that. But I really really LOVE it. I mean look at those tiny blingy slippers....SO CUTE! They would look amazing on my tree. Perhaps next year. But that ornament is going on my bucket list. My "things to buy before I kick the bucket" list. And when I do, I will take a picture of them on my tree and blog about it. But for now they will stay on my wish list.

Censoring

I have pretty great vision. I don't wear contacts and I never wear glasses. I have some for reading far away and for night driving- but I hate wearing them so I just don't read far away (since I'm done with school that really isn't an issue anymore) and I never drive at night in places I'm not already familiar with. That being said, the only glasses I ever wear are sunglasses when I drive- sometimes. My sunglasses are quite large and fairly dark so they over half my face, the half that is the most expressive. Those who spend any time around me know that the censor between my thoughts and my expression is inactive 98% of the time. If I think it, it's probably going to show on my face. Sometimes I hate it! But for the most part- it's who I am and I've learned to just accept that sometimes it will get me in trouble.

Well, a few months ago I bought some fake glasses at an accessory store for a 'How to Host a Murder' party. Somewhere along the line I decided to wear them to work, to play, to anywhere really. (I don't really do jewelry so glasses and hair accessories have become my way to put effort into my outfits) Today was one of those days when I just felt like wearing the glasses to work. I was walking through the mall, which was a bad idea since it's the Saturday before Christmas, and I realized I was rolling my eyes and letting my eyes express my thoughts. Why? well, because on some level I was under the false impression that because I had glasses on, no one could see my expressions. WRONG. They are clear plastic- everyone could see me. After my epiphany I schooled my features and made more appropriate faces to the strangers at the mall. Oh to have a working censor...but then, if I did, I wouldn't have had anything to blog about today and I wouldn't be me.

Thanks to High School

I have to say that I had some pretty phenomenal friends in high school. As I listen to my nieces and nephews talk about their experiences I am ever more grateful for what I had. I mean, I knew I had it pretty good but I guess I didn't realize just how good.


I grew up in Sacramento California where diversity is the norm. I had only a few LDS friends and the rest were of various faiths. But I think it was due to this fact that my friends accepted me and my crazy standards. I was never asked to try anything or go anywhere that would have made me feel uncomfortable. I was never teased or ridiculed for the things I believed. Seriously my friends didn't even cuss in front of me because they knew I didn't like it. It even went so far that after awhile they would correct others for me. "hey, don't say that. Lori doesn't like it". Now how many teenagers do you know who are like that?? I don't know many.


High school can be really hard for a lot of teenagers. My high school experience was pretty painless. Sure I had some bad teachers, I was terrified of boys, and there are always a few mean girls who stab you in the back just because they can, but I got along with most everyone and never felt uncomfortable for being me. I will be eternally grateful for those friends- they helped me along my road to becoming who I am today. They are amazing people and I will forever cherish their friendship during such a pivotal point in my life.

With a Smile on My Face

What I learned today:

Never verbalize that you are really happy with your life right now. The second you say it, Satan will swoop in and try his hardest to change it. Then you must decide if you are going to let him.

Seriously, within hours of telling my bishop that I was genuinely happy things just sort of fell apart for me...which landed me on my bed with nothing left in me to hold it together. So what do you do when all your stitches break? you cry like a helpless infant.

And now that I have had a good cry, I will pick myself up. Dust myself off and put it behind me. I am happy with my life right now. Yes I'm tired. Yes my life isn't perfect...but it's not bad either. I want to be happy- I like to be the friend who is the solid one that makes everyone smile when they are having a bad day. So that's who I choose to be. That is who I will be tomorrow. Just me- with a smile on my face.

Must I really?

This last summer was really hard for me- My ward became inundated with high school seniors. I suddenly felt ancient. I came to the conclusion that I couldn't go through that ever again. Unfortunately the only way to avoid it was to go back to the home ward and teach nursery (not gonna happen) or to get married. So I made a goal to be engaged by the end of August 2012. Why did I give myself a timeline? well, because all good goals need to be measurable and they need to have a deadline. It sounds totally crazy- and maybe it is. Marriage is not something you can control but at the time I didn't care-it was the light at the end of my very very young and dark tunnel.

The last few weeks I have started to think about that goal and why I made it. It not your typical goal. And lets be honest, I'm not going to make my timeline. I refuse to get married unless I've dated someone for at least a year...oops-guess that rules out august. I'm not super concerned about meeting my time frame though - what I am concerned about is the why? and I have learned some very important things about myself.

As a general rule, I hate dating. Why? lots of reasons. I very rarely get excited for a date, its actually usually the opposite. I am forever and always being set up on blind dates or I get the "hey my friend thinks you are cute can I give him your number" I hardly ever go out with guys I'm actually interested in. I have almost completely stopped getting ready -in any manner- for my dates. I just go as is. My dates don't make me laugh and half of them can't hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes. And even when I am interested, it usually doesn't last long because the guy doesn't ask me about me. We talk about him ALL night long- its not fun to be interested in someone who is more interested in themselves.

the other reason I don't like dating is that I don't like to be an imposition on anyone. Some girls are like "hey free meal right?" NO...I hate that. If I don't like a guy I feel horrible making him pay for me. I guess I am just used to taking care of myself. I'm getting better but its totally hard for me. I also am super busy-so if I'm not interested in my date, its hard for me to keep myself in the moment. I start thinking of all the other things I could be getting done. Instead I have to make conversation with someone who isn't helping. Have you ever tried to ask someone questions while at the same time trying not to ask too many questions so you don't seem overly interested when you are not. Its exhausting.

So you see, its not really about the goal or the timeline- its about making myself date and get out of my comfort zone. Maybe if I can force myself on enough awkward dates, I will change my attitude and someday enjoy the process. Maybe.

This is what I've learned this week:

Short dates are a blessing when you have nothing in common
People who can't hold a conversation shouldn't major in communications
If you want to make a good impression you should have a plan
when awkward people don't talk I say stupid things and sound like a jerk or a moron
its a bad sign when you have more fun with your server than with your date

I went on two dates this week-both really nice guys. Really they are, they are just not for me. They didn't meet my basics...

Ambition is a must. If you are 27 please don't tell me you have no idea what you want to do with your life. I don't care what you want to do...but have something. You don't need to make a million dollars you just need to have a plan to get up off your coach.

An active member of the church who holds and uses his temple recommend. Its important to me and I want to see that its important to him.

A sense of humor. I love to laugh. I want someone to make me laugh. Also my family is a little crazy and I don't want to be with someone who takes themselves too seriously. There is a time and a place for serious..but life should be fun.

Someone who isn't scared of me. I'm not that scary. He should know when to talk and when to listen. I like to talk but not all the time- sometimes I just want to listen to someone else talk. I have a lot of opinions and sometimes they aren't right- I need someone who isn't afraid to tell me so. I mean- I want to get my way 95% of the time- but I admit that sometimes I need to be put in my place. That can't happen if a man is afraid of me.

That is my first set of minimums- I have another list of nice to haves but I never get to that list because I rarely go out with a guy who meets even one of the above...and that is why I hate dating and why I make crazy goals for myself ....

I Am Thankful ....

So the other day my friend asked me to think of the things about me that I'm thankful for. Everyone could probably make a list of 100 things they are thankful for on the spot...but can we do it about ourselves? I think for most of us its much easier to come up with a list of things we don't like about ourselves or the things we've failed at or just done less than perfect. I was talking to a good friend of mine one night-and I said I was kind of boring, that sometimes I felt like I didn't contribute much to my friendships. That my friends did most the talking and I was just kind of there. She told me that she could see what I was talking about but it wasn't because I was boring- it was the opposite. She compared it to a coloring book. She said that other people bring the book with the monotoned pictures -they bring the structure -and I bring the crayons and I color in their pictures. I bring them to life and add to their stories. I was so busy seeing how I thought I fell short that I didn't see myself from another perspective. I am too often guilty of focusing on my faults so I am going to make a list (don't worry it won't be 100 things) of things about me I'm thankful for.

I would challenge everyone reading this to do the same thing...you don't have to blog about it but I think everyone should just focus on the positive every once in awhile. So here is my list, in no particular order:

I am thankful for....

My expressive face

my height which allows me to wear heals of any height

my singing voice

the ability to learn quickly

the ability to remember people and things

my sense of humor

my testimony

the ability to understand people and their motives

a fairly even temperament

the ability to forgive quickly

my work ethic

the gift of discernment

being happy most of the time/I don't get depressed

the ability to handle pressure

healthy body-I almost never get sick

the ability to hide nerves

the skills of communicating -writing and public speaking

my love of history

good nail beds

strong teeth

self control

the ability to accept things as they are

ability to make friends

willingness to try new things and confront fears

being financially responsible

independence

good problem solving skills

my very pale skin-I know tan is considered beautiful but I like my complexion

not taking offense easily

easily entertained

relating to people of all ages

being a little nerdy

these are some of the things I'm grateful for about myself. And anytime I'm feeling down on myself I'm going to re-read this blog and remind myself that I'm pretty cool. Elder Holland has said, "I suppose it goes without saying that negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking about ourselves. we see our own faults, we speak-or at least think-critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long we and everybody around us are miserable".

we are all pretty awesome! Lets be our biggest fans and make the world around us a better happier place!

Whiter than I thought

Hopefully you are familiar with the color code personality theory. Cause that's what this is about. I have always thought I was a split between red and blue. Then a few weeks ago an old friend said they saw me as more of a white...I blew off the comment but then this week I put some thought into it and decided to retake the color test. In the past I have always taken the test with other people around. Which was probably a bad idea because my family always get stuck on the fact that I'm pretty stubborn. They fixate on that and don't look at any other aspects or my personality. Today I took off my blinders and really thought about each question. I thought not only about work, which I usually do, but about relationships, about roommates, about confrontations I have had and looked a little deeper into my reactions to various situations. Turns out, I don't have as much red in my personality as I thought. yes, I am stubborn, determined, and goal oriented. But I am also emotional, loyal, and need to be understood. On top of that I am non confrontational, I'm a good listener and I get along with almost everyone. I pick my battles and want to connect emotionally more than I need to be in charge. Most of the time I just go with the flow but when I do have an opinion-you can bet I'm going to be passionate about it. Funny but I'm actually a very close count between blue and white. with less red. Go figure.

Secretly Open

Sometimes I forget that people will actually read my blog. I think sometimes I say too much. But that's who I am. I love to talk and I love to share things about myself with people who I feel like actually care. I mean if someone takes the time to ask and I feel like the genuinely want to know the answer-I will always answer openly-even if its a little embarrassing. The problem is, most people don't ask. Or they are happy with a shallow answer. To those people I probably seem closed off and private. But I'm secretly and open book. Can a person "secretly" be "open" ?? not sure...I am open to those who really want to know. And I guess I figure if someone is going to take the time to open my blog and read it then they probably care enough to be privy to my 'private' thoughts. right? right!

why write a blog about this? I don't really have a great reason. I was just thinking how I probably haven't written in my journal in over a year and even then it was probably only once...but my blog, something everyone has access to, I write in all the time. Just seemed strange to me. But I suppose I am strange. And I'm okay with that!

No hassle!....yeah right!

Here is a fact about me: I'm a pretty chill person. I don't anger easily, I don't hold grudges, and I don't really engage in confrontation. There are certain things that can trigger these responses in me- like when some jerk decides to almost run me over in his over sized pick up, or when I feel like someone has taken advantage of my chill-ness. Even then I will still try to remove my emotion and explain my position as calmly as possible. Which is what happened yesterday.

Let me explain the situation. A few weeks ago I bought a dress from a semi high end retailer (will remain nameless). I bought the dress online but when I got it I decided I didn't actually love it as much as I thought I would. This retailer happens to be located in the same mall where I work so I checked the return policy to make sure I could return it to the store and took it to work with me. After work I went to return it and the manager told me that I couldn't do any returns from online that were over $100. At which point I think to myself "well isn't everything in this store over $100?" whatever it didn't say that in the return policy but I work retail so I didn't make a big deal about it. I said that was fine and I'd just mail it back. The manager insisted I leave the dress and let them mail it back for me so I wouldn't have to deal with the hassle. I was kind of bugged about that but I gave in. Half way home my brain kicked in (where was it when I needed it) and I realized that without shipping, which I'm sure they were not going to refund, the dress was NOT over $100. Also she didn't give me anything to say she took my dress. I still decided I wouldn't freak out. I gave them 10 business days to credit my card and then decided to contact customer service.

Yesterday I sent them an email inquiring about the return policy and if they had received my dress. I explained the whole situation very calmly and with as much detail as I could so they would know I wasn't just making it up. They contacted me this afternoon. Which was great since it is Saturday and I wasn't expecting anything until at least Monday. The representative informed me they have NOT received my dress but was initiating my refund anyway. She also filed a complaint for me and informed me that the store should have returned my dress on the spot. It did not have to be mailed back at all. She is also forwarding my message to the vice president of sales, and to the district and regional managers of the store.

Awesome I get my money back especially since I no longer have possession of the dress. I'm thrilled with the quick service on their end but part of me feels guilty that the store manager might get in a little trouble. As a manager myself, I know this needs to be addressed but part of me still wishes she'd just done her job to begin with...or that I had been thinking and insisted on doing it myself. What's done is done right?! I guess that's the down side to having a blue/red personality. You get what you want but you feel bad about it after. Its really horrible actually. Good thing my red doesn't come out TOO often- its draining!