Still My Most Embarrassing Moment Thus Far...

This story is SO much better in person, but I feel like sharing it, some of you may have already heard this, but its always good for a laugh. In may of 2005 I had emergency surgery to have my appendix removed.. but the story doesn't start there.....background: (gosh I can't believe I'm writing this...those who know me well will enjoy this story) okay, so first of all, while at school I had double insurance, BYU and my parents. BYU insurance sucks and my parents only covered me in Cali except for Emergencies. At about 3pm on a Monday I wasn't feeling too well but decided that my dance tights (which I always wore all day-it was just easier) were just too tight so I finished my shift at work and turned in my ten page paper and walked to my apartment. At about 7pm I decided I still didn't feel well and was going to bed. my roommate Jeni came in to keep me company and we discussed my symptoms. At this point I was not just feeling sick but actually was starting to have a lot of pain. Jeni informed me that it was probably just gas or something because if it was anything more serious I would be in tears. I wasn't so naturally Jeni must be right. I mostly just wanted her to be right because I sure as heck was not going to pay a $50 copay for gas! About an hour or so later my friend fawn came over to visit and she was telling a story...at this point I decided that I had better call my mom because I was in SO much pain I hadn't heard anything fawn said. I had never felt such intense pain in my life. My mom informed me that according to her medical book I should have gone to the hospital 3 hours earlier. who knew that 8 hrs of pain might suggest a larger problem. I agreed to have a blessing and go to the hospital. however, once I got there my pain had nearly disappeared. I thought to myself "great it was just gas..how embarrassing". I checked in anyway because in my blessing I was specifically told to seek medical attention. so after some seriously awful tests my roommate and I were in the ER having a good old time laughing and joking. In typical family tradition I had no standard symptoms beyond pain.
But like all hospitals they wanted me to undress from the waist up and put on a stupid gown. so I did, but I didn't do exactly as they asked. I left my bra on. why shouldn't I? I was going home. Or so I thought. they sent me for a CT scan (which by the way you aren't supposed to have any metal on in those things...does under wire count?) . blah blah blah...the super hunky 30 something year old doctor comes in after my scan and tells me I have 20 minutes before I go to surgery and I need to take the rest of my clothes off and then he left. uh oh. it is at this point that the mortification comes into play....well, when I first was admitted to the ER they put an IV in my arm. As I am trying to follow Dr. Studly's orders I realize that I can't get my bra strap over the IV in my arm. so my roommate and I, who have obviously been making great choices all night, take the IV bag off its hook and try to thread it through the bra strap. It didn't work so we started looking for scissors...no luck. I was totally tangled. the doctor comes back and asks through the curtain if I'm ready. to which I had to reply in utter humiliation, "no, I'm stuck"....he opened the curtain, took one look at the situation and just shook his head. he comes over in complete frustration but trying to appear patient and tries to help. about this point, one of the single and oh so attractive male nurses comes in and asks, "is she ready yet"....he then assesses the situation and comes over to try his hand at untangling me....no luck. A third very attractive male nurse comes in the room and says, "is she ready yet?" he then says, "oh, let me try I'm good at this sort of thing!" meanwhile I am just sitting there too embarrassed to even really be embarrassed, it was like a bad dream, really. I felt like a 3 yr old who just got caught coloring on the walls or something. I couldn't look at any of them. about five minutes later they finally got me unhooked. so maybe to some that doesn't sound too bad, three men helping me get undressed. however, it is not something I am accustomed to. the experience was WAY out of my comfort zone! ahhh. I guess the good part was, I was too worried about the situation to worry about the surgery. but yeah, I have done and said a lot of embarrassing things in my life, but this was the worst so far!

He Sends Angels

"have angels ceased to appear unto the children of men?"... "Behold I say unto you, Nay; for . . . it is by faith that angels appear and minister unto men. . . . "in times of special need, He sent angels, divine messengers, to bless His children, reassure them that heaven was always very close and that His help was always very near...when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day. (Elder Holland Oct 2008 conference)

I was reminded of this conference talk while talking to my sister. She is always great to talk to because she is so full of insight. She looks at things in new ways and helps me to sort out my thoughts. I was struggling with a decision and as we talked about not judging others too quickly she shared an experience she had just that day.

she said, "and yet a refiners fire will sometimes make more of a man then a perfect past can. Today I stopped to help this lady get her car out of the snow. I was weak and sick and wearing leather shoes I stood in ice water for 20 minutes trying to push her car out and finally i started praying for angels because once i offered to help I had to finish what I started. so guess what the angel looked like? he had black scraggly hair down to his waist, and a mangy tangled goatee and a tattoo on his neck. he was the only one besides me who stopped to help. A physically sick girl and a obviously wounded soul was he and yet he helped. He wished us a good day and expressed concern that we be careful because the roads were icy."

I am grateful for my sister's story. My family is so often the angels in my life to lift me up. she reminded me that sometimes our angels aren't who we expect them to be..they don't look how we think they should look or have the lifestyle we think they should have, "but the Lord places certain people in our lives to teach us something no one else can" ...and sometimes it is our responsibility to be the angel. I include Elder Holland's testimony as he shares my thoughts so perfectly..." I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. "[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved." On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal... In the process of praying for those angels to attend us, may we all try to be a little more angelic ourselves—with a kind word, a strong arm, a declaration of faith "

Christmas Recital

Okay Folks...I can't believe I'm doing this. I am posting the link for my recital video. It isn't perfect and normally I wouldn't share something that isn't perfect. But I am trying to get over that. I always expect perfection and lets face it...that never happens. I am accepting the fact that I am my biggest critic and I often let that stop me from sharing things with the people I love. Like this video...I didn't want to share it with 50 people I love because of one or two people who might judge me and say mean things about the few mistakes. Not cool. I need to just ignore those people and accept it for what it is. I think that's why I get so nervous...I am afraid of what people are saying. Also there are things about my voice I don't love, I'm working on changing them but that takes time. It's getting better- but no one but me expects a finished product with so little time and effort...so that's what this is...a work in progress and I'm sharing it with anyone who wants to see it. Scary. Also please remember that I am not a jazz singer...this style is WAY out of my comfort zone.

Please click HERE to watch the video. (My favorite part is when I unconsciously started fixing the belt on my dress. nice)

Black Ice Ahead

Having been raised in Sacramento, Ca snow is not something I am on particularly good terms with. I look upon it as something to be avoided, a necessary evil if you will. However, a few years ago I acquired a rush-hour commute from Pleasant Grove to Provo and learned some valuable lessons along the way. One Tuesday morning in November, I woke up expecting to find mounds of snow piled high on the streets. To my surprise the snow had been cleared from the roads...SCORE!! I was off the hook for another morning...or so I thought. Once I hit Orem it was a different story. Lets just say the road crews in Orem are not quite as efficient ...black ice and snow covered the roads...traffic slowed and I was a little tense but so far doing okay. My turn was coming up. As I attempted to move to the left hand turn lane I slid on ice. Having never driven in snow I reacted and made the wrong decision. I finally was able to stop my car. Unfortunately, the front end of my car was in the lane to my right and I didn't have enough room to straighten out and complete the turn. For the first time in my life I felt utterly helpless behind the wheel of my car. I wanted to get out and just walk away. I wanted someone..anyone else to drive my car and fix my problem. The problem I was sure I could not fix on my own. I was done. I didn't want to keep going. I know that sounds dramatic but I literally felt helpless. I was sure that if I drove any further my car would be history and I would probably take someone with me in the process. However, reality struck hard and I realized that walking away was not a viable option. I couldn't just leave my car on state street! I chose to turn my car in the right direction once again and go straight...there was more than one way to get to work. I would just have to try another intersection. So down the ice-covered hill I went. I made it successfully down the hill and stopped at the light. I was almost there-I could see the hospital. I was only a few minutes away from walking safely into work when my car lurched forward. Yes, the guy behind me slid on ice and right into the back of my car. Great. I never submitted a claim for it. My car wasn't dented. He only scratched some paint off my bumper. I wasn't hurt. Besides, there were scratches in other places on my car - it was an accident. It could have just as easily been me who hit someone else. I let it go.

Why do I write this...because all my life I've listened to people tell incredible stories about things they learned from seemingly small experiences...and I FINALLY got my own. What did I learn...1. I learned that quite often, I think I've got things all figured out. I assume that because a 'road' or a choice looks like its going to be easy it may not stay that way. There may be unseen and unanticipated obstacles along the way. 2. I learned that there will always be 'ice' on the roads of life...but the choices we make and how we react is the important thing. 3. I learned that even if we make a wrong choice...we can start over...there is always another right choice...we may have to stay on the 'ice' a little longer...but we'll eventually get there. 4. I learned that sometimes we choose a path and at the last second be are 'prompted' to take another path. We don't always get to know why. 5. I learned that sometimes you think you are safe. That you've made it without a scratch- and then life hits you from behind. We are left with a few scratches but it's nothing that the atonement cannot correct. 6. And I learned that through all this...the bumps and scratches...when things get hard and we just want to quit...to say "that's it..I've had enough..I just want to walk away" ...we can't. We have to keep going...we don't have to do it alone..our Savior is there to take the wheel and direct our paths...but we have to be willing to move forward..we have to finish...

Save the Excuses

Pet Peeve for today:

When people say they don't have time. Honestly I've said this before. But the truth of the matter is, YOU MAKE TIME FOR THE THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO YOU. So if you say you don't have time, what you are really saying is: "YOU are NOT important to me. Okay maybe you don't have time today or this week...but if you want to see someone or do something you will make time for it. Actions speak louder than words...so instead of saying, "I don't have time" just say, "you know what, you are not important enough for me to rearrange my schedule or go out of my way." What will happen is you will be left with very few friends- however, if we are being honest, if they weren't important to you, then you had very few REAL friends to begin with. So all you've done is stopped the nagging and the necessity to make excuses.

Creeper stories continued

By now most of you have read my previous post about my FB creeper Clark. Well, right after I found out the logical part of me just wanted to block the loser and be done with it. But something kept me from it. I couldn't block him...but I didn't really want him on my page either...so I put him on my restricted friends list. It's perfect. He only has access to what I make public and well, I never make anything public. But the beauty of it is, I still have full access to his page. Some of you are probably thinking "who cares. why would you want that" I will tell you why. Tonight I was contacted by another girl, a real one this time, that had a date set for next week. She noticed we had 22 friends in common, one of them being him. So she messaged me to see if he was safe. I sent her to my blog and she said she had the same experience with him. Then while I was looking at his page for kicks and giggles I noticed he had updated his status. His friend 'Blake' had commented (don't worry Blake only has one fb friend and guess who it is...Clark) but above him I noticed a girl had liked the status. I clicked on her and she had almost 800 friends....I knew she was legit. I sent her a message with the link to my blog and hopefully spared her the same creeper story. This guy is totally targeting the BYU network. So now I see why I couldn't delete him. I feel like I need to be available for girls to contact me about him...I will just have to see how long it takes him to catch on and delete me from his friends list.

Cynicism Isn't Always Bad

I am a bit of a cynic. Sometimes I hate that about myself. I wish I could just believe the best of everyone and take them at face value. I try. I really do. But even if I tell myself to give this person a chance, the nagging at the back of my mind rears its ugly head. It's a little voice that says, "yeah right? No way is this all true". On the other hand, sometimes that little voice saves me from getting sucked into things I shouldn't be sucked into. Lets be honest, I have a knack for attracting creepers. The funny thing is, I can have the same "friend" on Facebook as someone else and they will only creep on me...why is that?

Let me explain that one quickly before I move onto the GOOD stuff. About a year ago one of my sister's FB friends requested I add them. I figured it was someone who used to babysit me or something like that so I accepted. All of a sudden this person started chatting with me and pushing to do a photo shoot with them. Over and over again they kept trying to get me to model for them. She said she was a mother of 2 but really after several short chats I am convinced it was a man posing as a woman. I won't go into the details about how I figured that one out (totally gross)...but this person NEVER creeped on my sister. Seriously, she has over 100 friends she doesn't even know and non of them are weirdies. I have only ever in my life added 3 people I hadn't met before and ALL 3 turned out to be mistakes. Actually each consecutive one got more creeper-ish than the last. Which brings me to my last and final FB creeper. I have officially learned my lesson -but I did pick up a fantastically entertaining story along the way. So sit back and enjoy as I recount this one :)

About a week ago I got a friend request from a guy named Clark Holland. We didn't have any friends in common and I was hesitant to add him-mostly because I think it's weird. But after looking at his page I decided I would add him-I felt bad for the guy. He was supposedly a widower and a single dad. I figured I would accept the request and if he turned out to be psycho I would just block him. He started chatting with me, (I think it was the following day) and I am a pretty chill person so I figured I would just go with it for awhile. Apparently he had sent me a message the day before but I never got a notification about it so I only read it after he apologized for possibly creeping me out with said message. (obviously he doesn't know me if he thinks an email message will creep me out...ME? the girl who had her FB page stolen and copied (see here)) Anyway, he sent me his resume...not a business one but the "this is why you should date me" resume. Which was impressive. A little TOO impressive. But I don't like to come across as a cynic the first time people talk to me so I tried to be as polite as possible. When I asked him how he came across my page (since we had nothing in common I knew FB didn't suggest it) He said, "The way I came across you was very random. I was actually using the browse feature on here to search for my sisters boyfriend (not you or anyone else). Usually when you do a browse search on here you only pass the link to someones page just once. I remember passing your page three different times. By the third time I had a strong feeling in my gut that I needed to say something, or Id somehow regret it."

Did he really just play the spiritual inspiration card. From a search on FB? Okay, that's weird. But just go with it. I talked to him for a few more minutes, mostly about his daughter and then he got off...but don't you worry. Before he did he said the most cheesy thing anyone has EVER said to me....especially to someone they've never met "Goodnight princess charming"....WHAT is THAT??!! please don't ever call me that again. At that point I'm starting to think maybe this guy actually is a creeper and I should not have added him. Now, let me share with you the resume-

"The names Clark Jackson Holland-27-Oldest of twelve-Quadruplet-Eleven Sisters-From Park City, Utah-Returned Missionary (Hong Kong)-Widower-Proud parent of a perfect 13 month old girl-Seminary Teacher/wish coordinator extraordinare-Finished one masters degree just last week. Finishing another in April 2012-Pilot-Pianist-Song Writer-Avid dancer-Seen 81 Temples-World Traveler-Fluent in 8 Languages-Worlds Biggest Bookworm-Worlds Most Hopeless Romantic-Fought Cancer Twice When I Was Young-Proud Latter Day Saint-Eagle Scout-Cancer Advocate -Science Geek-Regular Funny Guy-Tri-athlete" (that is a direct quote copied and pasted. Wouldn't you think someone with TWO masters degrees could spell Extraordinaire? Just sayin')

Now really come on? I've met some amazing men in my life but NO ONE has done all that...at least not in 27 years. He is, amazingly enough, accomplished in every area any girl could ever be interested in. But seriously? That is TOO good to be true. Also, do you know any university that would allow someone to enroll in TWO master's programs while teaching seminary full time and doing a ton of volunteer work? The two programs I've looked into don't even let you work your first year let alone do an entirely different program at the same time. Whatever. And when has he had time to travel the world between recovering from cancer, re-teaching himself to walk and to eat, serving a mission, getting married, having a baby, finishing an undergrad and two masters and working a full time job. please. And if he did find time, how does he pay for all that on the salary of a seminary teacher?

Besides this resume...I of course searched his FB page and found some more hints to my creeper friend. His seminary students comment on his page and apparently he lets them babysit for him. Hello?! This just doesn't sound like a smart idea. Young single teacher has his female students come over to his house to watch his child? Isn't he afraid that one of them will accuse him of improper advances?? or maybe one of their mom's? I mean, people are sick. Also, do they have early morning seminary in Utah? I thought it was all release time. One of his students is graduating from Provo High school next year...but he lives in Park City. How does that work? does she drive up there every day? Another interesting observation- the few friends who comment on his stuff have no FB activity before November...most are from December. Please tell me one high school student you know who doesn't LIVE on FB...they should have a million posts per day. Nope. Just a few picture changes. And his "sister" is gender confused. "Meghan changed HIS profile picture"...probably if Meghan were real she would know what gender she was and have it accurately represented on her page.

Anyway, back to the story, he commented on a few things on my page and then I started a chat with him...I just had to ask some questions and see where another conversation would go. I like to test out my suspicions. His first comment is to tell me I'm beautiful. But my favorite comments were, "I can't believe you aren't taken yet" and "something tells me you won't be single long". I don't think he was ready for my cynical comment of "well I won't hold my breath" He then asks me what I look for in a guy. Seriously? fine. I gave him my basic 4. A testimony, uses their temple recommend, a sense of humor, and treats me well. I quickly changed the subject because I thought that was a weird line of conversation and he kept calling me Hon. yuck. we've never even met please don't call me that.

Anyway, after my basics list he proceeds to ask me on a date to the temple. Um what? first of all that's a weird date with someone you've never met. You cannot talk during a session. How am I supposed to get to know someone that way. Just because I said I want someone who attends the temple doesn't mean that needs to be our date. Although...for safety sake, if you are going out with someone you've never met it might not be a bad idea to meet them after you pass the recommend desk. Then if he can't actually get in because he's a rapist or something then you can go do a session and he will be gone by the time you come out. Perfect. Anyway, I was super caught off guard and said I'd go...but I left myself and out by saying that I had a funeral to attend and I would have to work and I didn't know my schedule for either. (sometimes having a variable schedule comes in super handy) He sent me his phone number and told me to text him later. I said sure. (but I was really thinking Yeah right-I don't want you to have my number) I started asking him general questions about temples and distances from his house and told him I'd never been to park city...he invited me up for new years. To which I replied that he should really slow down- I could be a psycho after all. (which was really a nice way of saying HE could be a psycho and there is no way I'm going up to park city with a strange man). From there he decided that we were going out on Friday...even though I had just finished telling him that I didn't have my work schedule. Whatever I wasn't going anyway so no sense arguing. I got offline and went to play with some girlfriends. While I was out with them I got a message from one of his "friends"...this is the part where all my suspicions are confirmed.

This girl starts out by telling me that Clark is a fraud. She gives me a website to check out with his phone number- "this page will tell you all about him" She writes this big huge thing about how her brother is a cop and she's going to stay friends with him until they can "nail" him. Clark is a monster and I should just run away from him as fast as I can. I replied with a short thank you and went to the site she suggested. It was very entertaining and sad at the same time. So many vulnerable women in this world. Turns out this guy has had 44 complaints associated with his number dating back to last summer. He has several different names that he uses but the lines and resume are always the same. Sometimes his daughter is older sometimes younger. He adds people, makes dates, and then comes clean about his lies right before they go out. He makes profile pages for his friends and comments on his own page as them. After reading this I realized that this girl, the one who sent the warning message, was indeed Clark himself. This was his way of "coming clean" without actually having to fess up. Funny thing is...we didn't actually have a date set. (can I just for one second say that there are some stupid women in this world! most of those women gave their addresses to this guy to pick them up for the date. HELLO! DO NOT give your address to a man you only know through the Internet!!)

How do I know this was him and not some well meaning girl. 1. If she knows he has fake friends on him page, how did she know I was not a fake friend? She could have 'blown her cover' by telling me...unless "she" was "him" and knew for a fact that I was NOT a made up friend. 2. if her brother really is a cop then he knows this guy has not actually broken any laws. he adds people, they choose to allow it and he talks to them...but last time I checked, lying was not a crime in any of the 50 states. So they can't actually "nail" him on anything. You cannot arrest someone for being a sociopath. 3. She was super dramatic about the whole thing. She said she threw up over it and he was a monster. I'm picturing a serial killer...not some sad man who has no life. I mean really, I kind of feel bad for the guy. If he can pretend to be so good, why can't he just choose to actually BE good? Who knows. Its just sad. 4 she has a similar writing style to Clark. The phrasing and grammatical structures have very strong similarities and if that wasn't enough evidence, 5. her page doesn't have any FB activity either.

Hello Captain Creeper. You are a sad pathetic person who seriously has TOO much time on your hands. My question is though....why did these other women not see these red flags? From their comments it sounds like their interactions went on for awhile. I feel like so many of these flags are pretty obvious. What did I learn about myself through all this? I am still a little shallow. He used the incorrect spelling of 'their' in a chat. I hate that. There, They're, and Their. TOTALLY different meanings. And the other reason...in some of his pictures (which aren't really him) he is wearing yarn stitched jeans. I HATE when men wear stitched or studded jeans. SO girly. I feel like any man wearing this is shouting very loudly "I am high maintenance." ick. who wants that?! And I wouldn't want to be a second wife. Granted, if I had to choose I would want the spouse to have passed than to just be divorced and around as baggage. But I just really still want to be the 1st and only wife. Also, I am sometimes grateful for my cynicism. It keeps me from attaching myself to people who don't deserve my trust. But man was that a fun ride!!

Excuse me?? What?

"I need a boyfriend... preferably tall, baby faced, with big brown eyes and a foreign accent ;)"

This is my niece's facebook status right now. She is 15-VERY 15. I read it and was going to say, "You are not old enough for a boyfriend. Try again next Christmas"

No big deal right? Problem is...Another friend. A male friend had a status update just above hers that said.."Who wants to see Jim Gaffigan and Mike Birbiglia this January with me?" And it was under THAT status that I started to type my response. Boy would he have been confused. I think maybe I didn't get enough sleep last night...good thing I'm not driving very far today :)

An Inspiration

This picture is a truly incredible family. They are, and have been over the last year and half, a pillar of strength to me. The beautiful woman in the middle is Melanie. Melanie passed away yesterday morning after a long hard battle with cancer.
About a year and a half ago Melanie worked with me at the Gap. She was scheduled to come in but called to tell me that she was sick...she had walking pneumonia and was told to stay home and rest. About a week later she came into the store with her girls. She pulled me into the back room and I asked her how she was feeling. She looked at me, in an attempt to be strong, and told me that she had just been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I had no words. We both had a good cry together and she told me she was going to fight it. Soon after this Melanie's oldest daughter and Melanie's sister started working at the store and they kept us informed. The cancer spread. Just a few weeks ago it had spread to her liver and they realized there was nothing left to do but to make her as comfortable as possible. (you can read her blog here)

I was informed today just after I arrived at work that she had passed away. Surprisingly I held it together for a 9hr shift. I had to. I was in charge and it's Christmas. But then I got home and I got on her facebook page and saw the pictures of her before and of her after and I pretty much crumbled. Honestly I'm not horribly upset for Melanie- the last year of her life has been hard. I know she is with her Father in Heaven and being taken care of. She was a righteous woman who was a joy to be around. Everyone loved her. But what makes my heart break is her four children. The oldest is 20 and the youngest only 12. It makes me sad to think that her girls are going to get married and they won't have their mom to help them pick out their dresses or be at their high school and college graduations. She won't be there to hold their babies or when her son comes home from his mission. I know they are strong. I know they will get through it. I know that the atonement will carry them through this time and times to come...but it is hard for me to watch. My mom is one of my best friends and I know how completely my heart would break if she were to pass away. I have several friends who have lost their mother's to cancer- and because I love them- every mother's day my heart breaks a little for them. It has become a bitter sweet day for me. Sweet because I love my mother and get to talk to her everyday. Bitter because my dearest friends don't have that opportunity.
I admire this family so much. They are so strong. They are an inspiration to me. She will be missed by everyone who knew her.

Just a Wish

Random Facts about me:

1. I LOVE ornaments. I have gotten at LEAST one every Christmas since I was a toddler.

2. I LOVE to dress up

3. I like to have ornaments of the things I dress up as.

As many of you know I dress up as Snow White quite often. Well, I buy ornaments that remind me of Snow White. This year I bought a red apple ornament. I was totally satisfied with this...but you see, the other night I was watching 'you've got mail' with my niece and I noticed Meg Ryan hanging a tiny pair of ruby slippers on her Christmas tree. Suddenly I needed a pair of tiny ruby slippers since I dressed up as Dorothy this last Halloween. Problem is- its a Hallmark keepsake ornament from 1998(ish)(bottom slippers) or the keepsake from 2009 (top). Which means that one ornament is about $30-$50. I just don't feel like I can justify that. But I really really LOVE it. I mean look at those tiny blingy slippers....SO CUTE! They would look amazing on my tree. Perhaps next year. But that ornament is going on my bucket list. My "things to buy before I kick the bucket" list. And when I do, I will take a picture of them on my tree and blog about it. But for now they will stay on my wish list.

Always Last

I have said it before and I'll say it again, I get really really nervous when I sing in front of anyone. The longer I wait to do it the worse my nerves get. Last time I sang in church they had me sing before the first speaker- which was fantastic! No time to get nervous. It was over before I could think about it. Well, such is not the case at my voice recitals. I am almost always one of the last 3 people to sing out of a group of 15-20. I am not complaining really, I know it's good for me and I'm learning to control my nerves. Today I didn't get nervous until just four people before me. (Out of 18 that's not bad) Also, I got to sit by my friend Madison whom I LOVE. So there were lots of good things about going 2nd to last today. Also, I got to wake everyone up before they drove home :) j/k

Overall the recital went well. There were a few spots that I didn't feel were great- I've sung them 100 times better, but I have also sung them 100 times worse. So I feel pretty okay about the whole thing. Now I have to sing on Sunday and possibly a show in February...hooray for facing fears right?!

Words to Live By

In relief society today the teacher passed around a HUGE basket of dove chocolates. It went around the room several times bringing joy to one and all. Well, as you may know, Dove chocolates have short sayings on the inside of each wrapper. I LOVE to see what mine will say. Most of the time they are pretty cheesy but today I found them particularly profound. Mine said:

Smile.
I fully support this. Everyone should smile and as often as possible. Men are that they might have Joy. Besides, everyone is more attractive with a smile on their face!

Dance with your heart.
If your heart is not in it then it isn't as fulfilling. I have done both. I have danced because I was told to, to get a grade, to pass a test, but the times I found the most joy in it was when I was competing or performing. I did both simply because I loved it!! Those who dance with their hearts are more fun to watch!!

You're gorgeous.
Always nice to hear, especially after you've chowed several pieces of chocolate ;) But mostly I just wish all women believed this about themselves. We are gorgeous- especially happy righteous women. I have so many gorgeous friends- they are an inspiration to me every time I see them.

Love yourself.
If you don't, it's hard to love anyone else. "love thy neighbor as thyself" We were all created by the same loving Father in Heaven- if others are worthy of love, YOU are just as worthy.

Get a good night's sleep.
Everything seems better when your mind and body are rested. Hope is restored when problems are faced with a strong mind and body. Also, it's just really good advice.

Seek out small pleasures.
Not everything has to be over the top. Sometimes the best thing in the world is a simple but meaningful conversation with a friend. Singing Disney songs in your car at the top of your lungs. Or Dove chocolates in Relief Society ;) (yes I ate six of them-stop judging me! haha)

*Not all sayings were so helpful- my dear friend Erin got two that said "Draw a hot bath" she thought maybe it was a hint that she needed one. Not so..my friend Erin smells good all the time. Love her!

Censoring

I have pretty great vision. I don't wear contacts and I never wear glasses. I have some for reading far away and for night driving- but I hate wearing them so I just don't read far away (since I'm done with school that really isn't an issue anymore) and I never drive at night in places I'm not already familiar with. That being said, the only glasses I ever wear are sunglasses when I drive- sometimes. My sunglasses are quite large and fairly dark so they over half my face, the half that is the most expressive. Those who spend any time around me know that the censor between my thoughts and my expression is inactive 98% of the time. If I think it, it's probably going to show on my face. Sometimes I hate it! But for the most part- it's who I am and I've learned to just accept that sometimes it will get me in trouble.

Well, a few months ago I bought some fake glasses at an accessory store for a 'How to Host a Murder' party. Somewhere along the line I decided to wear them to work, to play, to anywhere really. (I don't really do jewelry so glasses and hair accessories have become my way to put effort into my outfits) Today was one of those days when I just felt like wearing the glasses to work. I was walking through the mall, which was a bad idea since it's the Saturday before Christmas, and I realized I was rolling my eyes and letting my eyes express my thoughts. Why? well, because on some level I was under the false impression that because I had glasses on, no one could see my expressions. WRONG. They are clear plastic- everyone could see me. After my epiphany I schooled my features and made more appropriate faces to the strangers at the mall. Oh to have a working censor...but then, if I did, I wouldn't have had anything to blog about today and I wouldn't be me.

Sucka'

I just bought a whole album off itunes for one song. So basically I just paid $10 for one song. Wow....but the worst part is, this is not the first time I've done that. I did it one other time (it was a samba that I really really needed). What song did I need so bad today that it was worth $10?? What song could I just not live without any longer?? Please click HERE for enlightenment.

Don't judge me. You know you love this song too.

Thanks to High School

I have to say that I had some pretty phenomenal friends in high school. As I listen to my nieces and nephews talk about their experiences I am ever more grateful for what I had. I mean, I knew I had it pretty good but I guess I didn't realize just how good.


I grew up in Sacramento California where diversity is the norm. I had only a few LDS friends and the rest were of various faiths. But I think it was due to this fact that my friends accepted me and my crazy standards. I was never asked to try anything or go anywhere that would have made me feel uncomfortable. I was never teased or ridiculed for the things I believed. Seriously my friends didn't even cuss in front of me because they knew I didn't like it. It even went so far that after awhile they would correct others for me. "hey, don't say that. Lori doesn't like it". Now how many teenagers do you know who are like that?? I don't know many.


High school can be really hard for a lot of teenagers. My high school experience was pretty painless. Sure I had some bad teachers, I was terrified of boys, and there are always a few mean girls who stab you in the back just because they can, but I got along with most everyone and never felt uncomfortable for being me. I will be eternally grateful for those friends- they helped me along my road to becoming who I am today. They are amazing people and I will forever cherish their friendship during such a pivotal point in my life.

Let's Respect the Bubble okay?

I am a BIG fan of my personal space. I like boundaries. I let very few people cross those boundaries. My bubble is my safe zone. Seriously, I am not joking. There are very few people in this world I will even give a real hug to. Anyway, I like to keep a safe distance from me and basically the rest of the world.

Today however, I had to go pick up some stuff for my mom on my lunch break. I went into Sees Candy- bad idea during the month of December. The lines are Awful. Well, I'm standing in line and I realize there is a middle aged man standing behind me. But not just behind me- he is standing so close to me he is basically on my back. Like a barnacle attached to the Titanic. Being a person who really isn't comfortable with a strange person breathing on my neck I inched forward. What does he do? He inches forward as well. I mean really?! its not like someone is going to rush from the back of the line and slip into the millimeter of space between us. I know I am dramatic sometimes but I'm really not exaggerating. If this man had been any closer I would have been mistaken for Quasimodo.

It's just awkward. I don't like people I know to stand that close to me so why on earth would I want a strange man to do so? The answer is I don't. I think everyone should have to pass a social acceptability test before they are allowed to go out in public.

Get Off!!

When I first saw this picture I just thought it was funny. Then I looked at it again and started to wonder how something like this happens. THEN I realized it happens all the time, and not just with dogs. For our purposes, Lets call the dog on the ground Buster and the dog sitting, Chief.

Things I noticed about this photo:

1. Same kind of dog

2. They are pretty much the same size

3. Buster looks sad and defeated

4. Chief looks like its the most natural thing in the world. It has become so common place that he hardly even notices what's happening.

So my conclusion is that Buster allowed Chief to over power him and be in control. who cares? they are just dogs.

So many times I find myself being "sat on" by other people. People who are similar to me, who are not any better than I am (physically, mentally, or emotionally) and yet, for one reason or another, I allow myself to be intimidated into submission. Not as often as I used to, and maybe not to this extreme but it does happen.

We all make choices to allow ourselves to be put down by people around us. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." We allow it to happen. Sometimes these people do it on purpose, either through subtle hints or blatant put downs. Sometimes they are people close to us who don't even realize they are making us feel "squished". Fact is, Buster is just as great of a dog as Chief but over time or experience he has let himself believe that Chief is stronger and more capable. I have done this so many times. Because of experiences I've had or things people have said to me, I let myself believe that other people deserve more. That it's okay to let people use me and have their way ALL the time. Frankly, its not true. I need to become my biggest fan. Especially when I find myself on the ground being crushed under the weight of another. I need to find my inner strength-and face my "Chief" head on. We were not sent to this earth to act small. Or to allow others to make our decisions or determine how we feel and where we will go in life. We were created equal. We have all been created for greater things and it's time we start acting like it.

Dear Winter

Dear Winter,

Let me tell you why you will never be my one true love.

I Do not Like:
1. being cold
2. Driving in the snow
3. Dry skin
4. staticy hair
5. walking on black ice
6. scraping my windows


Things I do like:
1. holidays
2. hot chocolate
3. layering
4. Christmas lights

As you can see the dislikes out weight the likes and really, you could argue that my #1 and #4 like are pretty much the same. If I am being honest, I really don't mind snow as long as I don't have to drive in it. I think you can be beautiful as long as I get to stay inside by my fireplace drinking hot chocolate. I love sweaters, jackets, and turtlenecks. I love hats, gloves, and scarves. But not for 8 months. I can do maybe 4 and then the fun is over. I know if I had a man to cuddle with I would probably not mind you so much- And I am open to revisit my feelings about you when that day comes. But for now, winter, please don't stay too long and don't be too harsh. okay? okay!

Sincerely,
A cold girl

With a Smile on My Face

What I learned today:

Never verbalize that you are really happy with your life right now. The second you say it, Satan will swoop in and try his hardest to change it. Then you must decide if you are going to let him.

Seriously, within hours of telling my bishop that I was genuinely happy things just sort of fell apart for me...which landed me on my bed with nothing left in me to hold it together. So what do you do when all your stitches break? you cry like a helpless infant.

And now that I have had a good cry, I will pick myself up. Dust myself off and put it behind me. I am happy with my life right now. Yes I'm tired. Yes my life isn't perfect...but it's not bad either. I want to be happy- I like to be the friend who is the solid one that makes everyone smile when they are having a bad day. So that's who I choose to be. That is who I will be tomorrow. Just me- with a smile on my face.

Isn't it about Time?

Its interesting how things happen isn't it? Or I should say, when things happen. I was talking to my mom today-because she's a great person to talk to, and I was reminded of an incident that happened about six years ago. Back when I had to have my appendix out. No, I know what some of you are thinking...its true that my most embarrassing moment is also associated with this trip to the hospital but that is not the topic of my blog today. Perhaps another day.

Anyway, the conversation reminded me of part of a blog I had written just yesterday about the scriptures I was reading. (See Here) Near the end of the blog there is a quote by Hugh Nibley that says, "the miracle is in the timing, not in the event" and it made me realize how grateful I am for the timing of the Lord in my life.

This particular event happened near the end of my fourth year at BYU. I had just finished writing a 15 pg term paper for one of my upper level Political Science classes. (when I say JUST I mean I was literally walking out of my professors office after turning in my paper) On my way home from campus I started to experience some pain in my abdomen. I will skip all the fun parts of this story and just tell you that around 3am I was taken into emergency surgery and admitted to the hospital until later that afternoon. At the time, my apt was on the 3rd floor, try walking up six flights of stairs after having your lower abdomen cut open and restitched. Not fun. I was alone except for when my roommates didn't have class because my family was still living in California at the time. I couldn't even sleep in my own bed because it was too high and I couldn't climb into it without hurting myself.

I was supposed to stay in bed for a week, but after 4 days I couldn't stand it anymore. I almost passed out in the shower and then had my roommates drive me to church where I taught my Sunday school class sitting down (got chewed out by the Sunday school pres later -nice huh) anyway- what I'm getting at here is that it was a really hard week for me. I was restricted to my couch and I was not supposed to do any physical activity for two weeks.

Doesn't sound too bad? two week vacation from school. what's two weeks right? Wrong. This particular semester I had five dance classes in addition to my poly sci classes. And this was 3 weeks away from the end of the term. I missed a mid-term but I had an incredible poly sci teacher who I had taken a class from previously who told me not to worry about it until I was recovered. I also had several dance teachers who could have failed me for not participating but chose to count just coming to class toward my grade. It sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm really not- just illustrating the situation.

What did I learn from all this? Situations can't always be avoided so be grateful for the blessings you get. Blessing #1-I had great teachers who knew I was a good student and took some pressure off me!! Blessing #2- had my surgery been a week later, or even a few days later I would have had to take an incomplete on all my dance classes for the entire term. I would have wasted half my tuition money. As it was, my final exams in two dance classes were 13 days after my surgery. So not having practiced in two weeks I took my tests...I passed but it hurt like crazy...have you ever tried to samba/cha cha/rumba with fairly new incisions? Hip rib isolations are not a desirable post surgery activity. Just saying. Blessing #3- my roommates mom was in town and made me food for the first two days of recovery. Blessing #4- I had double insurance so I only paid $15 for a $16,000 surgery. I would love to complain about having the surgery or not being able to practice for my finals but I can't. I am just grateful I was able to take the finals at all!! That I was able to finish my paper beforehand and that the surgery landed on just the right date to allow me to recover for almost the 2 weeks before having to dance again. Its not the event, but the timing of the event that is the miracle. Big or small I am eternally grateful for the miracles in my life.

Lazy

I really need to stop texting. My grammar is suffering. Usually on my phone I don't really use punctuation- mostly because I have to switch to my other keyboard and its just annoying to do. I'm lazy when I text. But the problem is, it's crossing over into the rest of my life. I keep forgetting to put an apostrophe on my 'its'. what is that?!?! I never miss stuff like that! Oh but I did, my facebook page confirms my laziness in action. Things have got to change-from now on, perfect grammar in my text messaging.

Way to go Einstein

Well...I found the missing prize envelope with my gift certificates in it....and guess what?! my studio recording time expired in September. Nice. way to go me! I LOVE when I do stuff like that. what a waste. That's it- I'm winning again this year, both legit and belt and I'm going to march myself straight in and use the stuff before it all expires. LAME!!!

Spice of Life

I know, I'm post happy tonight. I just got back from zumba and I've decided that I am pretty picky about my zumba instructors. What makes a good one?? variation. I hate when all the songs sound the same, have the same tempo, and have similar footwork or choreography. There are hundreds of zumba songs...spice things up. I don't want to use the same 4 muscles for an hour. I also hate when they change the tempo of a perfectly good song to make it weird. I like to hear the rhythm of the song so that I can count it and memorize the sequence..if its a weird tempo I don't feel like I get a good work out...I don't know why...I just don't. That was the case tonight, it started out great...but after about 30 minutes it started to feel like the same song over and over and over again. I considered just leaving early since I was already cooled down and pretty much knew my work out was over...but I stayed. I was right though...longest 'cool down' of my life. whatever, I guess it was better than sitting on my couch all night.

Why don't I listen??

once upon a time I entered a vocal competition at BYU. I won said competition and inside my packet was a voucher for 2 free hours of studio recording time. The lady handing them out said, "now there is good stuff in these packets so make sure you put them somewhere safe, don't just toss them under your bed". Well friends guess what I did. I used one thing and put the envelope somewhere and now I have NO IDEA where that packet is and I think it expires in January! AHH!! so I need to get my butt into the studio and use my winnings....looks like its time to tear my room apart...what better way to spend my day off tomorrow. right? right. ugh. wish me luck.

Interesting

If you are looking for something interesting to read....go ahead and click HERE

This Ain't Disneyland....

I really don't like drop rides. I can handle most other roller coasters but I just don't like the sensation of falling. I force myself to ride tower of terror at Disneyland because well...it just has to be done. But I don't ride it like everyone else...I sort of fold myself in half so I don't feel it as much- I'm never in any pictures which is fine with me but its probably pretty entertaining to watch...also I trust Disney to keep their rides in working order.

I never have understood why people like drop rides. Why do people like to feel out of control? Because you trust that the ride is going to work- that its going to catch where it needs to catch and not plummet you to your death. Why am I blogging about drop rides? because I feel like I've just climbed onto one. Let me explain...

when I hear the phrase "leap of faith" I picture Indiana Jones and the last crusade- for those of you who have not seen it (crime) Harrison Ford is standing on a cliff that is basically a black hole with no bottom and he has to step out having only faith that there is something to catch his fall....turns out there is an invisible beam....

okay Indiana Jones and drop rides- do you see where I am going with this? A leap of faith-could lead to the drop ride feeling, the feeling of falling. Lets say the catch isn't exactly level from the place you step...you might fall a little before you catch and go back up...

Basically I am going to be taking a leap of faith very soon, and I am anticipating a little or a big drop before I go back up...knowing how I feel about this sensation, I should be terrified. I am not. I feel good about making a decision....I won't tell you what it is because it really sounds crazy. My logical mind can tell you all the reasons its irrational and why its a bad decision. But I feel really good about it. I can't tell you why-I know I'm going to get a lot of flack for it from everyone I know. I can hear it now "what are you thinking?" "have you lost all your ambition?" "you are better than this, you are wasting your life"....maybe I am. But every time I go for my 'rational smart' options I feel absolutely sick with anxiety. And my crazy unexplainable option...I feel really calm about. It might lead to some of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life or the best, I'm not really sure. It's crazy....I'm willingly taking my leap of faith, getting on my real life drop ride....its not Disneyland but I'm trusting that my Father is going to catch me and bring me back up at just the right time.

Must I really?

This last summer was really hard for me- My ward became inundated with high school seniors. I suddenly felt ancient. I came to the conclusion that I couldn't go through that ever again. Unfortunately the only way to avoid it was to go back to the home ward and teach nursery (not gonna happen) or to get married. So I made a goal to be engaged by the end of August 2012. Why did I give myself a timeline? well, because all good goals need to be measurable and they need to have a deadline. It sounds totally crazy- and maybe it is. Marriage is not something you can control but at the time I didn't care-it was the light at the end of my very very young and dark tunnel.

The last few weeks I have started to think about that goal and why I made it. It not your typical goal. And lets be honest, I'm not going to make my timeline. I refuse to get married unless I've dated someone for at least a year...oops-guess that rules out august. I'm not super concerned about meeting my time frame though - what I am concerned about is the why? and I have learned some very important things about myself.

As a general rule, I hate dating. Why? lots of reasons. I very rarely get excited for a date, its actually usually the opposite. I am forever and always being set up on blind dates or I get the "hey my friend thinks you are cute can I give him your number" I hardly ever go out with guys I'm actually interested in. I have almost completely stopped getting ready -in any manner- for my dates. I just go as is. My dates don't make me laugh and half of them can't hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes. And even when I am interested, it usually doesn't last long because the guy doesn't ask me about me. We talk about him ALL night long- its not fun to be interested in someone who is more interested in themselves.

the other reason I don't like dating is that I don't like to be an imposition on anyone. Some girls are like "hey free meal right?" NO...I hate that. If I don't like a guy I feel horrible making him pay for me. I guess I am just used to taking care of myself. I'm getting better but its totally hard for me. I also am super busy-so if I'm not interested in my date, its hard for me to keep myself in the moment. I start thinking of all the other things I could be getting done. Instead I have to make conversation with someone who isn't helping. Have you ever tried to ask someone questions while at the same time trying not to ask too many questions so you don't seem overly interested when you are not. Its exhausting.

So you see, its not really about the goal or the timeline- its about making myself date and get out of my comfort zone. Maybe if I can force myself on enough awkward dates, I will change my attitude and someday enjoy the process. Maybe.

This is what I've learned this week:

Short dates are a blessing when you have nothing in common
People who can't hold a conversation shouldn't major in communications
If you want to make a good impression you should have a plan
when awkward people don't talk I say stupid things and sound like a jerk or a moron
its a bad sign when you have more fun with your server than with your date

I went on two dates this week-both really nice guys. Really they are, they are just not for me. They didn't meet my basics...

Ambition is a must. If you are 27 please don't tell me you have no idea what you want to do with your life. I don't care what you want to do...but have something. You don't need to make a million dollars you just need to have a plan to get up off your coach.

An active member of the church who holds and uses his temple recommend. Its important to me and I want to see that its important to him.

A sense of humor. I love to laugh. I want someone to make me laugh. Also my family is a little crazy and I don't want to be with someone who takes themselves too seriously. There is a time and a place for serious..but life should be fun.

Someone who isn't scared of me. I'm not that scary. He should know when to talk and when to listen. I like to talk but not all the time- sometimes I just want to listen to someone else talk. I have a lot of opinions and sometimes they aren't right- I need someone who isn't afraid to tell me so. I mean- I want to get my way 95% of the time- but I admit that sometimes I need to be put in my place. That can't happen if a man is afraid of me.

That is my first set of minimums- I have another list of nice to haves but I never get to that list because I rarely go out with a guy who meets even one of the above...and that is why I hate dating and why I make crazy goals for myself ....

Still More

Today I was reading the priesthood session of General Conference-And I read a talk by a general authority that I have never heard of- Elder Waddell. (read talk here) As I read his talk I was thinking- "man this guy is saying exactly what I think but so much better!" As I finished the talk I realized that I probably need to apologize to quite a few people who have probably misunderstood things I've said. Lets be honest-for those of you who know me well or even semi-well you know that I just speak without censoring. If it comes in my head I just say it-I don't always have the skill to process it first and make sure it will be taken exactly how I want it to.

Let me explain. Many of you have probably heard me say that I hate when every comment a person makes is about their mission. I have even said that they need to let go and move on. But what I really mean by that, and I didn't realize how I was coming across until I read this talk today, is that sometimes people get stuck in their missions. Its the biggest learning experience of their lives and before they know it, they've been back a few years and haven't been able to move on. Here, I'm doing it again.

I think missions are great. I respect those who sacrifice so much to fulfil their priesthood responsibility. I love missionaries. I know that a mission is a huge opportunity filled with spiritual and personal growth. I am glad that so many missionaries love their missions and the people in them- they should!! I totally respect that. I love to hear mission stories and I love when people can invite the spirit by sharing something they learned while serving. But I also feel that a mission should be a jumping off point- when missionaries come home, they need to keep growing and serving...I don't want them to forget those things but they need to ADD to the mission experience. I know it won't be quite as dramatic but there are still people to teach and experiences to be had right in your own neighborhood. The mission teaches lessons that would otherwise take a lifetime to learn- but "the ongoing blessings associated with missionary service require application after the sacrifice" These missionaries need to take the lessons out of the mission and apply them to their life NOW!! If ten years after the mission-the only spiritual experiences you've had are from the mission- you are cheating yourself and everyone around you!

Maybe I didn't clear anything up at all- but I love missionaries, I applaud those who have served faithful missions-I love hearing your stories and feeling your spirits! I just don't want you to cheat yourself by thinking that's all you've got- The things learned on the mission are essential to making you who you will become, but it is not everything...there is a lot of life to still be lived after your mission!!

Well Put

My mom is the best. seriously, she makes me laugh all the time. This morning I was waiting to go to work and I had crawled into my dad's side of the bed and was just chatting with my mom. we were talking about dating and the type of guys I usually date and she says to me, "There aren't very many great guys out there. And the really good guys are taken by paraplegics and girls with no arms". Wow mom. Really? I died laughing.

Then tonight she went with me to the grocery store. Normally I just park where ever, I'm not super into parking way close. I don't mind walking. But my mom is having a knee replacement in about a week and I didn't want her to have to walk far so I was trying to find a good spot. I spotted a car about to pull out of their spot and so I sat and waited. Then the conversation went like this:

Me: "gees, why are they taking so long to pull out"
Mom: "well, what's wrong with the spot right next to them?"
Me: "oh. Nothing. I guess it is just as close"

She just has a fantastic way of saying things. So matter of fact. It makes me smile!

You think i'm kidding.

Once when I was like 12 years old my mom let me take piano lessons. I was super excited for about 2 weeks and then I got bored. I was the oldest student my teacher had and I think she just didn't know how to think outside the box. She just moved to slow-made my go page by page through the baby books- and after a few years I finally quit. I never practiced, I just memorized my songs about 20 min before my lesson and then on to the next- never really LEARNING anything. Piano started taking time away from the rest of my life- I had church callings to fulfill grades to maintain, and money to earn. So piano lessons and I went our separate ways. To be honest I have never really regretted that decision. Its not now, nor will it ever be, a passion of mine. I respect and admire people who play but diversity makes the world great right?!

Because I don't play anything I'm not super great at reading music. I took piano long enough to know the difference between a quarter note and a whole note. I know what a measure is and the time signature. I know how to read dynamics and basically follow along. What I can't do is look at music and tell you what key its written in or what note falls on which line (unless its middle C) and I can't look at a note and sing it right off the page. I have to hear it played and then I usually just memorize pretty quick. But I'm not completely clueless. Where is this going? let me tell you.

So tonight I was at my ward choir practice for our Christmas program. There weren't very many people there and we started 2 new songs I've never heard before. I asked the pianist to play my part a few times and made the mistake of saying "I can't read music" Big mistake. The obnoxious boy- and yes I deliberately use the word boy even though he is at least 21-decided he was going to take that information and show how much smarter he is than me as far as music goes. Seriously, I don't even know this kid's name but I want to punch him in the face every week. He talks incessantly and distracts the rest of the tenors so that the choir director has to repeat herself and it takes twice as long to get through anything. He makes the most irrelevant comments and well, he is basically a train wreck. The sad part is he has a pretty nice voice...he just needs to use it for more singing and less talking.

So tonight, remember this is the first time we've ever heard the song, he starts nit picking about ending words together and what dynamics we should be singing. "is it MF or MP?" "We should be pronouncing it like this blah blah blah"...really kid. The reason we aren't holding it is because we are still figuring out what notes we are supposed to be singing...we haven't even started working on timing and dynamics. Then when he wasn't doing that, he was saying things like, "this is a dumb song. I don't want to sing this. can't we sing a normal Christmas song." so if this wasn't reason enough for a person like me to get irritated and kick him, he starts talking down to me like I'm retarded and have no idea what's going on. Yes, its true, I can't pick a note out of thin air but I'm not totally retarded...I have been taking private lessons for almost two years...I can manage my way through a choir piece without his help! ahh...I might have told him that we didn't need his attitude and that if he didn't have anything positive to say he didn't need to come back next week...he thought I was kidding...but kind of I wasn't. I predict he will be single for a very very long time.

Not Yours to Gamble...

Guess what...you are NOT Paul Walker and you have not been cast in Too Fast Too Furious. Seriously, I have driven to work the last two days and I have almost been hit 3 times. Two of those times were within 5 minutes of each other. Mr. Honda Civic with the extra large headlights decided he was going to pass me on the right and then barely leave enough room when he decided to cut me off AND THEN 2 minutes later a silver Subaru with something to prove decides that even though his lane is ending, he's going to continue to speed up. Good thing I was paying attention because if I had not stepped on my brakes he would have hit my car from the right at about 60 mph knocking me into on coming traffic. Nice. I love when other people decide to take chances with my life and/or property. The worst part about all this, within one light, they both ended up BEHIND me anyway. The funny thing is, at the time I didn't really even think about that they could have killed me. The first thing I thought was, "I would never date a guy who drove like that". Sounds irrational? maybe. but maybe not. You see, a person who drives like that is selfish. They are only thinking of themselves and what they want. Which is a symptom of the way their brain processes. Also, someone who drives like that is probably going to have high insurance premiums due to multiple tickets/accidents. Also that person has a higher chance of killing themselves in an accident. Moral of the story...don't be a Jerk!! My life is not yours to gamble.

Excessive Touching

Yesterday I went with a friend to hear a band play at Valour. Its a small venue where lots of local bands play for their fans. Anyway, we are standing there listening to this band and I started to notice the people around me. I first noticed the guys behind me. Three guys in their early twenties, one of which was very vocal. He was also kind of dimwitted. Amy (the singer of the band) was talking about her guitar player and said his solo made her weep. The Einstein behind me yells back, "YOU make ME weak"....she was so confused. And rightly so. Since she said WeeP and not weaK. He continued to drool over her all night. I was slightly embarrassed for him.

The second thing I noticed was the awkward couple in front of me. she was totally cute. Her boyfriend on the other hand....um..yeah. He was like a foot shorter than her with greasy red hair and unkempt facial hair. He had zero rhythm and he repeatedly rubbed his hand, back and forth across the small of her back. And I don't mean just a few times or for a few minutes. He probably rubbed a whole in her shirt. His hand went back and forth for over and HOUR. Seriously? if that had been me I would have chopped his hand off. She didn't even flinch...actually she didn't even look at him once, its like they were at the concert separately and the only indication they had of being together was his bloody hand!! What is worse than awkward couples, awkward couples touching each other!

Not just about the numbers

Its Veteran's day. Did you know that? This holiday always makes me sad...mostly because so many people forget about it. Everyone is so excited on facebook about it being 11-11-11. Big deal. What about the real significance of today...what about all those people who have sacrificed so much so that we could be on facebook freaking out about the date. I just want to publicly say how grateful I am to so many great men and women who have sacrifice so much! Here is an article about one amazing veteran of WWII. Its worth reading-he was an incredible example of what this country is missing today.


Happy Veteran's Day!!!

The Pitfalls of Running

I don't know if I've posted about this before...I probably have, but if that's true its been awhile so I'm going to do it again.

A few nights ago I went with a friend to a dessert party for an old MTC companion of hers. The companion isn't old, its just been awhile since they were companions. Anyway, we were talking about how she is close to graduating from BYU and what her plans were now. Turns out she and so many of my friends share a common frustration. A frustration that is probably only common in Mormon society.

As a good LDS girl you are raised with the plan that you will get married and start a family. You go to school and you meet people but nothing works out. So one day you find yourself graduated from a university with your original plan unfulfilled. Now what? well, you can't just sit there and hope prince charming comes along -so you make another plan. With this new plan, you date guys and they ask what you are doing now that you are done with school. You tell them, and now they don't want to date you because you have a plan and they don't want to get in the way of that plan; Or maybe they are simply intimidated by it. Either way its stupid. Of course you have a plan...anyone with a healthy level of self respect would have a plan. It doesn't mean you aren't willing to adjust your plan for someone stellar so that you can finish out your original plan.

This is the catch 22, no one wants a girl who sits around and does nothing, but apparently most men don't want a girl who has plans. If you tell them you have a plan they run away. If you tell them you want to get married they run twice as fast. This is why I have so many amazing friends who are single..they are smart, funny, motivated, spiritual women who know who they are and what they want....apparently that is NOT attractive. Go figure.

my theory-Men need to act like men. Seriously they need more confidence in themselves and more faith in the Lord. They get scared too easily and run away. Well, I'm not a runner. I hate running. So if a man runs away from me I will just let him go...maybe he'll trip over a rock, hit his head, and gain some common sense.

I Am Thankful ....

So the other day my friend asked me to think of the things about me that I'm thankful for. Everyone could probably make a list of 100 things they are thankful for on the spot...but can we do it about ourselves? I think for most of us its much easier to come up with a list of things we don't like about ourselves or the things we've failed at or just done less than perfect. I was talking to a good friend of mine one night-and I said I was kind of boring, that sometimes I felt like I didn't contribute much to my friendships. That my friends did most the talking and I was just kind of there. She told me that she could see what I was talking about but it wasn't because I was boring- it was the opposite. She compared it to a coloring book. She said that other people bring the book with the monotoned pictures -they bring the structure -and I bring the crayons and I color in their pictures. I bring them to life and add to their stories. I was so busy seeing how I thought I fell short that I didn't see myself from another perspective. I am too often guilty of focusing on my faults so I am going to make a list (don't worry it won't be 100 things) of things about me I'm thankful for.

I would challenge everyone reading this to do the same thing...you don't have to blog about it but I think everyone should just focus on the positive every once in awhile. So here is my list, in no particular order:

I am thankful for....

My expressive face

my height which allows me to wear heals of any height

my singing voice

the ability to learn quickly

the ability to remember people and things

my sense of humor

my testimony

the ability to understand people and their motives

a fairly even temperament

the ability to forgive quickly

my work ethic

the gift of discernment

being happy most of the time/I don't get depressed

the ability to handle pressure

healthy body-I almost never get sick

the ability to hide nerves

the skills of communicating -writing and public speaking

my love of history

good nail beds

strong teeth

self control

the ability to accept things as they are

ability to make friends

willingness to try new things and confront fears

being financially responsible

independence

good problem solving skills

my very pale skin-I know tan is considered beautiful but I like my complexion

not taking offense easily

easily entertained

relating to people of all ages

being a little nerdy

these are some of the things I'm grateful for about myself. And anytime I'm feeling down on myself I'm going to re-read this blog and remind myself that I'm pretty cool. Elder Holland has said, "I suppose it goes without saying that negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking about ourselves. we see our own faults, we speak-or at least think-critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long we and everybody around us are miserable".

we are all pretty awesome! Lets be our biggest fans and make the world around us a better happier place!

Two Reasons to Stay Single

Singles wards. I'm not sure how anyone makes it out alive. Last night I went to the CES fireside. Well, I went to a broadcast of it because the Marriott center chairs are SUPER uncomfortable. Anyway, they broadcast it in a building on the temple lot and basically my whole stake is invited to come...so all of alpine, pleasant grove, Lindon...you get the drift.

I am just going to say- EVERY TIME I go to something like this I realize why I, and so many of my friends, are still single. There was a guy on the row behind me who was not bad looking..but seriously the guy could not shut his mouth. He talked and laughed through the whole fireside. I am all about laughing and having a good time but seriously?! at 20 something years old you should know when it is and is not appropriate and you should be able to somewhat control yourself. A serious turn off!!

Now, lets talk about the boy next to me. Remember how I draw the awkward ones no matter where I go. Well this one was awkward. I am pretty sure he has ADHD. At least I hope he does because that's the only logical explanation. The broadcast is only and hour from start to finish and this boy had to get up twice. Which was actually less distracting than when he stayed in his seat. He bounced his knee incessantly! oh except for when he would slap his knee super hard to stop the bouncing. Then he started break dancing with his arms. Then he laid his head down on the pew in front of us and started snaking and body rolling from his head down. Then he decided to put his coat on but not all the way and then take it off again. He did this more than once. wow.

Between the guy behind me and the guy next to me I felt a little like I was in primary. I tried really hard to listen close but I have a feeling I will have to print that talk off and read it again. Perhaps next time I will go with my Asocial tendencies and watch it on KBYU by myself.

Believe it or not, sometimes I know what I'm talking about

Yesterday at work we were running a promotion- Spend $100 get $40 off. We were totally busy...and I jumped on a register to help move the line along. The customer who came up had a jacket he was purchasing and it rang up for $98. Being the nice person I am I asked him if he wanted to grab a pair of socks or something else to get his total to $100. He declined. I restated it by saying, "you know if you add on a pair of socks they will be free and it will save you $40. He again said "no I'll just take the jacket". WHAT THE?!?! no. Normally I'm all about respecting the agency of others but seriously I could not, in good conscience, let this guy pay $100 when he could walk out with the same item for $60. So I told him I was going to grab him a chap stick- he could give it to him mom, his sister, keep it or throw it away but I was adding it on for him. I grabbed a yummy mint flavored "gap-stick" and saved the guy $40. Honestly, he was about 16 or 17 years old and probably thought I was trying to sucker him into something. which I wasn't.

I had a few other people who were also lacking in common sense...there were others who were spending $70 and didn't want to spend the time to find $30 worth of free stuff. Its like they didn't understand that they would be paying the same amount and getting more stuff. who doesn't want that?? I think people need to make sure when they leave the house they need to bring their brains along because sometimes retail people really are just trying to get you the best deal-especially since I don't work on commission. Sometimes it pays to set your ideas aside and listen to what you are being told...

Whiter than I thought

Hopefully you are familiar with the color code personality theory. Cause that's what this is about. I have always thought I was a split between red and blue. Then a few weeks ago an old friend said they saw me as more of a white...I blew off the comment but then this week I put some thought into it and decided to retake the color test. In the past I have always taken the test with other people around. Which was probably a bad idea because my family always get stuck on the fact that I'm pretty stubborn. They fixate on that and don't look at any other aspects or my personality. Today I took off my blinders and really thought about each question. I thought not only about work, which I usually do, but about relationships, about roommates, about confrontations I have had and looked a little deeper into my reactions to various situations. Turns out, I don't have as much red in my personality as I thought. yes, I am stubborn, determined, and goal oriented. But I am also emotional, loyal, and need to be understood. On top of that I am non confrontational, I'm a good listener and I get along with almost everyone. I pick my battles and want to connect emotionally more than I need to be in charge. Most of the time I just go with the flow but when I do have an opinion-you can bet I'm going to be passionate about it. Funny but I'm actually a very close count between blue and white. with less red. Go figure.

Goodbye Fingertips

I can't feel my fingers. It's a wonder I'm even able to type. I needed extensions for Halloween. But I forgot to buy them until about an hour before I needed to wear them. So basically I cut them randomly and bobby pinned them in my hair. However, I decided since I spent so much money on the stupid things that I should spend another $15 dollars and buy the clips so I can actually use them after Halloween. So I did. I got all the stuff and I sat down and sewed my extension pieces to clips. OUCH! now I really have to wear the dumb things because I just sacrificed my finger tips for them. I'm not sure it was worth it.

What do you love?

wow, two posts in one day...but I'm thinking right now and I'm not sure that will continue over until tomorrow. Last week our corporate offices sent out some rubber wrist bands...you know the ones that come in different colors and have slogans on them. Anyway...Not sure how many people know this but Gap was founded by Don and Dorris Fisher in 1969 (which is why all of our jeans say 1969 on the tag- that is not a distinguishing feature as many people like to think). Well, he was noted for saying "do what you love" and that is the phrase that was printed on this bracelet. We had a visit today from our regional director so I put the bracelet on-even though I HATE things on my wrists- and I wore it all day. On my way home it was bugging me and at a stoplight I stopped to read it again. "do what you love" and I started thinking...what do I love to do??

I love to sing. I love musical theater. I love genealogy. I love to read. I love to dance. I love to have long talks with good friends. I love to meet new people. I love to people watch. I love to solve problems. I love to learn. I love the temple. I love the gospel. I love pictures. I love to scrapbook. I love stained glass. I love history. I love philosophy and psychology. I love Disneyland. I love airplanes. I love to take ugly pictures. I love to laugh. I love to dress up. I love to just be silly. I love to make people smile. I love to write. I love to help people. I love so many things- and I don't make time for hardly any of them anymore. Life is too short not to enjoy. You are right Don, I need to make more time to do what I LOVE!!

Secretly Open

Sometimes I forget that people will actually read my blog. I think sometimes I say too much. But that's who I am. I love to talk and I love to share things about myself with people who I feel like actually care. I mean if someone takes the time to ask and I feel like the genuinely want to know the answer-I will always answer openly-even if its a little embarrassing. The problem is, most people don't ask. Or they are happy with a shallow answer. To those people I probably seem closed off and private. But I'm secretly and open book. Can a person "secretly" be "open" ?? not sure...I am open to those who really want to know. And I guess I figure if someone is going to take the time to open my blog and read it then they probably care enough to be privy to my 'private' thoughts. right? right!

why write a blog about this? I don't really have a great reason. I was just thinking how I probably haven't written in my journal in over a year and even then it was probably only once...but my blog, something everyone has access to, I write in all the time. Just seemed strange to me. But I suppose I am strange. And I'm okay with that!

Red Sea Experience

Lately I've been thinking about a class I attended at education week at BYU this last august. It was a class taught by Kevin Hinckley about educating your desires. At one point in his lecture he started talking about how we sometimes box the Lord in and don't allow him to answer our prayers as he would like...That our mind is so limited that we don't always pray for the things we should. He gave the example of moses and the Red Sea. He painted this visual for us:


Moses and the children of Israel get to the Red Sea. They can't keep going through the sea, they have the Egyptians coming up from behind so they say, 'okay, lets go to the left. Moses pray about going to the left"...he does and gets a stupor of thought. "okay so we must need to go right" He prays and gets another stupor of thought. Now what?? "we can't just sit here. But neither way was right. I guess maybe we just stay and let the Egyptians get us"....


His point was that we do this all the time. We have option A and Option B- but what happens when neither of those are right? what do we do then? He talked about letting the Lord give us our red sea experience. let the Lord decide your course. Perhaps he has plan C waiting and just needs us to be open to the idea. He is waiting for us to say, "thy will be done" "I'll go where you want me to go" and once we do...doors will open that we didn't even know existed.


I feel like I've been standing on the shore of my Red Sea...I can't go backward so I've been praying about whether I should go right or left, not getting a clear answer. But maybe that is my answer...maybe I just need to relinquish control and look for my Red Sea experience. I don't know when it will come, or how exactly those deep waters will part but I know they will. The Lord has his plan C in mind for me...