My own trail of tears

Memorial day is a great holiday. I am a sentimental person so I'm all about memorials and remembering. That's one reason I love history and genealogy so much. But along with being great its also a little sad. I am grateful to everyone who has sacrificed so that my life could be better. But I also feel things very deeply. So when I remember, I feel keenly the loss of those same individuals. Even people I don't know. When I touched the Vietnam memorial wall or walked through the Holocaust museum in Washington DC I felt physically ill thinking of all the families that have been touched by sadness and pain. I also remember those I have known, my grandparents and my friends and I have a selfish moment thinking how great things would be if they were still here...but I know life doesn't work like that. We can't live forever. All we can do is make the most of the time we are given and cherish the memories we make. So yes, its a wonderful holiday- those who have gone before us should be remembered and celebrated for their accomplishments and sacrifice but with those memories comes my own trail of tears.

Watch for falling walls...

A couple of weeks ago a friend and I were having a conversation about the way we are perceived by others and why...let me give some examples. There is a girl we know who is crusty to everyone. Upon first speaking to her you would assume she hates your guts. I did when I first met her. However, on further acquaintance you realize that she is such a great person. She really does like people and wants to be friends with them- and that crusty shell is just a way to protect herself in case someone doesn't like her.

There is also a guy we know who presents himself as, well...a jerk. He seems really arrogant and says some really rude things to people. But underneath all of that, he really is a great guy. He just hides behind his wall of protection- the wall that says, "I don't care what you think"...

Well, this friend and I were talking and I compared these two individuals with each other. They are very similar in many ways- they both want to protect themselves from being hurt or rejected by those around them. The wall is presented in two very different ways but it is there. I explained to her that everyone has walls- no one wants to be vulnerable. Some walls are very high, others not so high. Some walls are thick and others barely there- but they are there. The wall of arrogance, of apathy, or anger, hurt, distrust, judgement...there are so many walls.

The question is, when you come up against these walls, what do you do? Do you walk away? maybe. Because lets face it- walls take time and effort to break down or to scale over. Is it worth it to try? Everyone has a wall- but if you step back and see it for what it is, you will discover which tools you need to bring it down, or to help you scale over it.

With patience and diligence the walls of Jericho fell to the earth (Joshua 6), The walls of troy were breached with a wooden horse and superstition. The Persians conquered Babylon- despite their impenetrable walls by taking a dry river bed beneath the walls. The Maginot Line -between France and Germany- a reinforced concrete wall of fortified bunkers and heavy gun emplacements- was never used. The enemy simply went around it through Belgium rendering this strong force completely useless. The great wall of China in all its magnitude could not hold back Genghis Khan. These historical walls were strong and "indestructible" and yet they show that when there is the will to get around it- people do.

It is the same with us. If someone really wants to get past another person's walls, they will. But its not easy- sometimes it takes a great deal of patience and a creative mind to try something no one else has. I will be honest- I find the best way to circumvent walls is with love. A genuine interest in the other person and their welfare. You have to be patient and not be looking for anything in return. But I will also tell you- it is amazing to see someone for who they really are and what they can be without the wall of "protection" blocking the view.

Howard W. Hunter said, "If we are content to hide behind self-made walls we willingly forgo the blessings that are otherwise ours...may the Lord bless us that the walls of our minds may not obstruct us from the blessings that could be ours" I think this goes both ways- if we are content to let others hide behind those walls and judge them at face value we also lose out on blessings- maybe even just the blessing of gaining another friend and seeing someone for their true worth. Mark Twain said, "one learns people through the heart, not the eyes or the intellect" If you want to truely see people, don't use your eyes.

So yes, everyone has walls but with the right tools they will come crashing down...

Looks better on the hanger...

There are times when you walk into a store and maybe you aren't really planning on buying anything. Or maybe its a super expensive store and you just went in to look around and then you spot a dress you absoultely adore. You have a decision to make- do you walk out without the dress, or do you find your size and try it on. If you walk out, there is a chance you will always think about that dress and wonder if it would have been perfect on you- or you'll have somewhere to go and think, oh that dress would have been perfect. BUT if you try it on, you may fall in love with it and then you will have to decide if you really can afford it. There is also the possibility that it will look horrific on you. Because lets face it- dresses are a lot harder to fit on any body type than a skirt and top. It just might not be a great fit for you...in which case, you put it back, say "gee that's too bad it was really cute", and move on- never thinking about the dress again.



Why do I mention this? Because for one thing, it happens to me all the time...But mostly because I am going to relate it to dating. You walk around not intending to "buy" anything and you see a guy/girl that looks just perfect "on the hanger" and you have a decision to make...do you date (try it on) or do you just walk away because he/she is too good looking/popular/stuck up/ nice...etc? I usually go for the try it on approach. Some people say i'm crazy for it because most of the time it doesn't turn out great- but neither do most the dresses I try on. It doesn't mean i'm going to stop shopping or trying things on. It doesn't really hurt anything to try, except maybe my pride. What I get from the experience is peace of mind, knowing I didn't walk away from something that could have been great. 9 times out of 10 it isn't going to work and that's ok...move on with life. But for that 1 time that it does work- its totally worth it.

I'm not saying you need to date every person who walks past your face. As with shopping, somethings have potential, some things are better left for someone else. Even if you do try it on- you don't have to keep it on forever to see if its going to work. Somethings you have the dress on for two seconds (or one date) and you just know its not right for you. Don't keep it on. Take it off and try on the next. Who knows, that next one might just be the piece you never want to take off. Some dresses, or some people, are worth the time to try on...and some dresses will always look better on the hanger. But you'll never know if you just walk away.

Now what coach?

I think my niece has become my muse. She has inspired my last several posts, I do have other ideas but they are much more time intensive. So I've opted for quantity right now and not necessarily quality. Tonight we were on facebook and she was showing me pictures of all her crushes. And she has a lot! Anyway, she friend requested one of them- the "super corner" boy from her seminary class . He accepted, and then popped up a chat box. She gasps and says, "Oh my gosh, he's chatting with me. what do I say?" It was hilarious. I had to coach her through the whole conversation...it went something like this:

"what do I say?"
"how about- what's up"
"oh ok. good. ...Now what?"
"I don't know ask him anything. what do you want to know"
"I don't know. ahhh" bites her nails and chews on lip
"ok, ask what his favorite movie is"
"oh that's a good one!"

... this type of thing went on for probably 20 minutes. But the funny thing was- I was totally like her at 15. I couldn't talk to boys at all...they were scary. Just nice to look at during class and think about all day long- but if one ever even looked at me I freaked out. Sadly I did not have "the coolest aunt in the world" to coach me :) It took me forever to become un-awkward around boys..and lets be honest, I'm not sure I've totally gotten over it all the way. But, I think with my help, she may make it through her teenage years much smoother than I did- I mean I got my first credit card before I got my first kiss. Not that that's a horrible thing, but I'm going to get my niece dating BEFORE she's 18! We just have to teach her how to talk to people she doesn't know....especially if they are male.

This is my theory...

A few weeks ago (yes I know I've been terrible at blogging lately-but I've been terrible at life right now) I was having a discussion with my teenage niece and nephew about dating and boyfriends/girlfriends and kissing of course and my niece says to me, "how do you know if you are a good kisser? what makes you a good kisser?" I had this conversation with a friend of mine a few years ago as well... this was our theory ...

and I shared it with my niece....

"if you kiss the same way he does...he will think you are a good kisser." All guys think they are the authority on how kissing should be done...and therefore they are the best kisser in the world...so....if you kiss the same way he does you are automatically a great kisser as well.

There you have it ladies...(if any men are reading this I dare you to argue with my logic ;) ) if you want to be a good kisser just figure out his style and conform quickly. If you don't like his style then I suggest you find someone else to date- you are obviously lacking chemistry.