Please, Avert Your Eyes

I love my job.  I meet the most interesting people.  Sometimes it's great...sometimes it's just...well... interesting.  Let me illustrate what I mean.

I was working over in the body store running go backs when I see this guy walking through the store.  whenever I see a guy in my store I immediately ask if I can help them with something.  Get them what they need and get them out.  So this particular guy says, "I just need an opinion from you."  So he shows me two different shoes in an Eddy Bauer catalogue and asks which ones I like better.  I went through the standard questions, what are you wearing them with? what are they for?  He told me to just pick.  So I gave him my opinion- assuming it was maybe something he had to do for school.  But to my surprise (sort of) he didn't leave.  He kept talking to me.  Asking me if I was in school, what was my major?  Then he goes off on a creepy tangent about diverting his eyes and about his experience in Victoria's Secret last week (umm...you do this on a regular basis?) and how he had no idea that bras came in so many styles and colors.  Guess you aren't so good at averting your eyes after all.    He also tells me he is a massage therapist and hands me his card.  Then he dives right in with, "so would you like to have lunch with me sometime? or are you dating someone?" 
To which I of course lied.  "yes I am dating someone". 
Thinking this was the quickest way to get him to just go away.  But it wasn't.  I should have known.  He then says, "well are you engaged?" 
"No, it's not that serious." 
"well then would you get a Jamba juice with me?"
"I just told you I was dating someone."
" yeah, but you said it wasn't serious."

Wow- I'm completely stunned at this point.  He continued to push for another few minutes.  Telling me about country dancing down at BYU.   He finally gave up saying that he is really good at reading body language and that he can feel if he pushes any more I am going to freak out.  News flash buddy I was already freaking out... you just couldn't tell because I had my work face on.  He was talking to me for about 15 minutes and I wish I could remember more of the details...it was priceless really.  I guess the point of this post is to reassure the public that I haven't lost my touch for attracting creepers.  I have had more than my fair share.  So even though my posts have been few and far between lately...I think the wait was worth it.  Dear Lingerie loser...please never come into my store again. 

Enough For a Lifetime.

What is it about me that attracts creepy people?  If you follow my blog you have probably realized that I have an unusually high number of stories about creepy men.  Well I have another one.  Not as good as some of the others, but I suppressed my instinct to be nice and ended this one as quickly as it began.  This morning I was awoken by a text message.  The text message said, "Is this Jodi?"  no big deal right?  We have all sent a text to the wrong number before.  I responded and simply said.  "no, sorry.  You have the wrong number"  they responded, "sorry to bother U".  Which I hate (just spell out the dumb word, it's not that long and is not hard to spell).   A few minutes later I get another text from the same number.  "Are U a woman? If so can I ask U a question?"  seriously? that is what creepy people do.  You don't know me so why would you want my opinion about anything.  You might be a perfectly nice person with good intentions but you don't say things like that, over text, to someone you've never met.  It's just weird.  I didn't respond to that one- I shudder to think what the question might have been.  Okay, secretly I wanted to know so I could make this post slightly more interesting to read but I just don't have the energy for a stalker right now..and who knows where that would have lead.  I think I'm learning, even at the cost of spicing up my blog, it's best just to leave the creeper to the women in Provo.  I've had enough to last me a life time.

Creeper stories continued

By now most of you have read my previous post about my FB creeper Clark. Well, right after I found out the logical part of me just wanted to block the loser and be done with it. But something kept me from it. I couldn't block him...but I didn't really want him on my page either...so I put him on my restricted friends list. It's perfect. He only has access to what I make public and well, I never make anything public. But the beauty of it is, I still have full access to his page. Some of you are probably thinking "who cares. why would you want that" I will tell you why. Tonight I was contacted by another girl, a real one this time, that had a date set for next week. She noticed we had 22 friends in common, one of them being him. So she messaged me to see if he was safe. I sent her to my blog and she said she had the same experience with him. Then while I was looking at his page for kicks and giggles I noticed he had updated his status. His friend 'Blake' had commented (don't worry Blake only has one fb friend and guess who it is...Clark) but above him I noticed a girl had liked the status. I clicked on her and she had almost 800 friends....I knew she was legit. I sent her a message with the link to my blog and hopefully spared her the same creeper story. This guy is totally targeting the BYU network. So now I see why I couldn't delete him. I feel like I need to be available for girls to contact me about him...I will just have to see how long it takes him to catch on and delete me from his friends list.

Cynicism Isn't Always Bad

I am a bit of a cynic. Sometimes I hate that about myself. I wish I could just believe the best of everyone and take them at face value. I try. I really do. But even if I tell myself to give this person a chance, the nagging at the back of my mind rears its ugly head. It's a little voice that says, "yeah right? No way is this all true". On the other hand, sometimes that little voice saves me from getting sucked into things I shouldn't be sucked into. Lets be honest, I have a knack for attracting creepers. The funny thing is, I can have the same "friend" on Facebook as someone else and they will only creep on me...why is that?

Let me explain that one quickly before I move onto the GOOD stuff. About a year ago one of my sister's FB friends requested I add them. I figured it was someone who used to babysit me or something like that so I accepted. All of a sudden this person started chatting with me and pushing to do a photo shoot with them. Over and over again they kept trying to get me to model for them. She said she was a mother of 2 but really after several short chats I am convinced it was a man posing as a woman. I won't go into the details about how I figured that one out (totally gross)...but this person NEVER creeped on my sister. Seriously, she has over 100 friends she doesn't even know and non of them are weirdies. I have only ever in my life added 3 people I hadn't met before and ALL 3 turned out to be mistakes. Actually each consecutive one got more creeper-ish than the last. Which brings me to my last and final FB creeper. I have officially learned my lesson -but I did pick up a fantastically entertaining story along the way. So sit back and enjoy as I recount this one :)

About a week ago I got a friend request from a guy named Clark Holland. We didn't have any friends in common and I was hesitant to add him-mostly because I think it's weird. But after looking at his page I decided I would add him-I felt bad for the guy. He was supposedly a widower and a single dad. I figured I would accept the request and if he turned out to be psycho I would just block him. He started chatting with me, (I think it was the following day) and I am a pretty chill person so I figured I would just go with it for awhile. Apparently he had sent me a message the day before but I never got a notification about it so I only read it after he apologized for possibly creeping me out with said message. (obviously he doesn't know me if he thinks an email message will creep me out...ME? the girl who had her FB page stolen and copied (see here)) Anyway, he sent me his resume...not a business one but the "this is why you should date me" resume. Which was impressive. A little TOO impressive. But I don't like to come across as a cynic the first time people talk to me so I tried to be as polite as possible. When I asked him how he came across my page (since we had nothing in common I knew FB didn't suggest it) He said, "The way I came across you was very random. I was actually using the browse feature on here to search for my sisters boyfriend (not you or anyone else). Usually when you do a browse search on here you only pass the link to someones page just once. I remember passing your page three different times. By the third time I had a strong feeling in my gut that I needed to say something, or Id somehow regret it."

Did he really just play the spiritual inspiration card. From a search on FB? Okay, that's weird. But just go with it. I talked to him for a few more minutes, mostly about his daughter and then he got off...but don't you worry. Before he did he said the most cheesy thing anyone has EVER said to me....especially to someone they've never met "Goodnight princess charming"....WHAT is THAT??!! please don't ever call me that again. At that point I'm starting to think maybe this guy actually is a creeper and I should not have added him. Now, let me share with you the resume-

"The names Clark Jackson Holland-27-Oldest of twelve-Quadruplet-Eleven Sisters-From Park City, Utah-Returned Missionary (Hong Kong)-Widower-Proud parent of a perfect 13 month old girl-Seminary Teacher/wish coordinator extraordinare-Finished one masters degree just last week. Finishing another in April 2012-Pilot-Pianist-Song Writer-Avid dancer-Seen 81 Temples-World Traveler-Fluent in 8 Languages-Worlds Biggest Bookworm-Worlds Most Hopeless Romantic-Fought Cancer Twice When I Was Young-Proud Latter Day Saint-Eagle Scout-Cancer Advocate -Science Geek-Regular Funny Guy-Tri-athlete" (that is a direct quote copied and pasted. Wouldn't you think someone with TWO masters degrees could spell Extraordinaire? Just sayin')

Now really come on? I've met some amazing men in my life but NO ONE has done all that...at least not in 27 years. He is, amazingly enough, accomplished in every area any girl could ever be interested in. But seriously? That is TOO good to be true. Also, do you know any university that would allow someone to enroll in TWO master's programs while teaching seminary full time and doing a ton of volunteer work? The two programs I've looked into don't even let you work your first year let alone do an entirely different program at the same time. Whatever. And when has he had time to travel the world between recovering from cancer, re-teaching himself to walk and to eat, serving a mission, getting married, having a baby, finishing an undergrad and two masters and working a full time job. please. And if he did find time, how does he pay for all that on the salary of a seminary teacher?

Besides this resume...I of course searched his FB page and found some more hints to my creeper friend. His seminary students comment on his page and apparently he lets them babysit for him. Hello?! This just doesn't sound like a smart idea. Young single teacher has his female students come over to his house to watch his child? Isn't he afraid that one of them will accuse him of improper advances?? or maybe one of their mom's? I mean, people are sick. Also, do they have early morning seminary in Utah? I thought it was all release time. One of his students is graduating from Provo High school next year...but he lives in Park City. How does that work? does she drive up there every day? Another interesting observation- the few friends who comment on his stuff have no FB activity before November...most are from December. Please tell me one high school student you know who doesn't LIVE on FB...they should have a million posts per day. Nope. Just a few picture changes. And his "sister" is gender confused. "Meghan changed HIS profile picture"...probably if Meghan were real she would know what gender she was and have it accurately represented on her page.

Anyway, back to the story, he commented on a few things on my page and then I started a chat with him...I just had to ask some questions and see where another conversation would go. I like to test out my suspicions. His first comment is to tell me I'm beautiful. But my favorite comments were, "I can't believe you aren't taken yet" and "something tells me you won't be single long". I don't think he was ready for my cynical comment of "well I won't hold my breath" He then asks me what I look for in a guy. Seriously? fine. I gave him my basic 4. A testimony, uses their temple recommend, a sense of humor, and treats me well. I quickly changed the subject because I thought that was a weird line of conversation and he kept calling me Hon. yuck. we've never even met please don't call me that.

Anyway, after my basics list he proceeds to ask me on a date to the temple. Um what? first of all that's a weird date with someone you've never met. You cannot talk during a session. How am I supposed to get to know someone that way. Just because I said I want someone who attends the temple doesn't mean that needs to be our date. Although...for safety sake, if you are going out with someone you've never met it might not be a bad idea to meet them after you pass the recommend desk. Then if he can't actually get in because he's a rapist or something then you can go do a session and he will be gone by the time you come out. Perfect. Anyway, I was super caught off guard and said I'd go...but I left myself and out by saying that I had a funeral to attend and I would have to work and I didn't know my schedule for either. (sometimes having a variable schedule comes in super handy) He sent me his phone number and told me to text him later. I said sure. (but I was really thinking Yeah right-I don't want you to have my number) I started asking him general questions about temples and distances from his house and told him I'd never been to park city...he invited me up for new years. To which I replied that he should really slow down- I could be a psycho after all. (which was really a nice way of saying HE could be a psycho and there is no way I'm going up to park city with a strange man). From there he decided that we were going out on Friday...even though I had just finished telling him that I didn't have my work schedule. Whatever I wasn't going anyway so no sense arguing. I got offline and went to play with some girlfriends. While I was out with them I got a message from one of his "friends"...this is the part where all my suspicions are confirmed.

This girl starts out by telling me that Clark is a fraud. She gives me a website to check out with his phone number- "this page will tell you all about him" She writes this big huge thing about how her brother is a cop and she's going to stay friends with him until they can "nail" him. Clark is a monster and I should just run away from him as fast as I can. I replied with a short thank you and went to the site she suggested. It was very entertaining and sad at the same time. So many vulnerable women in this world. Turns out this guy has had 44 complaints associated with his number dating back to last summer. He has several different names that he uses but the lines and resume are always the same. Sometimes his daughter is older sometimes younger. He adds people, makes dates, and then comes clean about his lies right before they go out. He makes profile pages for his friends and comments on his own page as them. After reading this I realized that this girl, the one who sent the warning message, was indeed Clark himself. This was his way of "coming clean" without actually having to fess up. Funny thing is...we didn't actually have a date set. (can I just for one second say that there are some stupid women in this world! most of those women gave their addresses to this guy to pick them up for the date. HELLO! DO NOT give your address to a man you only know through the Internet!!)

How do I know this was him and not some well meaning girl. 1. If she knows he has fake friends on him page, how did she know I was not a fake friend? She could have 'blown her cover' by telling me...unless "she" was "him" and knew for a fact that I was NOT a made up friend. 2. if her brother really is a cop then he knows this guy has not actually broken any laws. he adds people, they choose to allow it and he talks to them...but last time I checked, lying was not a crime in any of the 50 states. So they can't actually "nail" him on anything. You cannot arrest someone for being a sociopath. 3. She was super dramatic about the whole thing. She said she threw up over it and he was a monster. I'm picturing a serial killer...not some sad man who has no life. I mean really, I kind of feel bad for the guy. If he can pretend to be so good, why can't he just choose to actually BE good? Who knows. Its just sad. 4 she has a similar writing style to Clark. The phrasing and grammatical structures have very strong similarities and if that wasn't enough evidence, 5. her page doesn't have any FB activity either.

Hello Captain Creeper. You are a sad pathetic person who seriously has TOO much time on your hands. My question is though....why did these other women not see these red flags? From their comments it sounds like their interactions went on for awhile. I feel like so many of these flags are pretty obvious. What did I learn about myself through all this? I am still a little shallow. He used the incorrect spelling of 'their' in a chat. I hate that. There, They're, and Their. TOTALLY different meanings. And the other reason...in some of his pictures (which aren't really him) he is wearing yarn stitched jeans. I HATE when men wear stitched or studded jeans. SO girly. I feel like any man wearing this is shouting very loudly "I am high maintenance." ick. who wants that?! And I wouldn't want to be a second wife. Granted, if I had to choose I would want the spouse to have passed than to just be divorced and around as baggage. But I just really still want to be the 1st and only wife. Also, I am sometimes grateful for my cynicism. It keeps me from attaching myself to people who don't deserve my trust. But man was that a fun ride!!

Highway Hellos

almost every Sunday I go to visit my friend at her ward in Salt Lake City. I go to mine first and then swing up north for a few hours. I do this because I love her and because there is an unfair distribution of good looking successful men in Utah- they are all in her ward. Not fair. Anyway, today my friend Erin wanted to come along- apparently she didn't believe me when I told her there were tons of good looking men in SLC. As if I would make it up. Well Erin and I were driving along I-15 just having ourselves a good chat when a white truck pulls up to the right of us. I glance over...and then I look again. The man in the truck is holding an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper to his window and the paper says, "Hi Erin" she waves and he falls back behind us. I laughed and said, "wow, Erin who was that?" to which she replied, "I don't know. I don't recognize him" she really didn't know the man at all. Um, really? what are the chances of that? Did he just choose a name at random? happened to have that paper in his car and uses it to be a creeper on the freeway? Or maybe she just looks like an Erin? who knows...either way it was kind of creepy. And by 'kind of' I mean really creepy. But I am so glad I got to see it first hand...or I might not have believed it.

A whole new level...

Some people have too much time on their hands. There is a guy I know who really gives his best effort at being a creeper. I don't know why you would want to be known for that but he really is great at it. Anyway, its kind of a joke I think he likes to get a reaction out of people and boy is he getting one from me tonight. I get an anonymous tip to look at this guys profile tonight- weird but OK. I go to his facebook page and what do I see- I see that he is in a relationship with ME. only he's not. I sit there for a minute thinking "what the? how did he access my page" because don't you worry the profile picture is the same. the education info, all my interests and likes are the same...this took some time. He created a page under my name with my info, friend-ed that person, and then accepted a relationship request between him and this alternate ME. But the best part is- he then comments as "me" on his status saying how much "I" love him....WHO does that?? I know he probably thinks he's super funny- and truth be told if it was someone else I would probably be wetting myself with laughter right now but as funny as it is...it is also really really creepy. I think more people need to find hobbies so they do not have time to be psycho. I am truly disturbed- he has taken his creeper-ness to a whole new level.

Captain Creeper

so ya'll know that I work at the mall. I am not a shopper so I usually walk into my store, work my shift, and walk back out without looking at anyone or anything. Well today was different. Today I had a gift certificate in my wallet for another store in the mall and I had an hour and a half until my voice lesson. So shopping I went. (if you consider a music store and bath and body works shopping) Anyway, outside my store is a kiosk that sells something...I never have really noticed what. There is a girl who works there and I think her boyfriend works somewhere in the mall- at least I hope he does because he's there all the time. well a few weeks ago - the first time I really noticed the couple- I was opening the gates to my store and they were sucking face. seriously people I thought he was going to swallow her tongue. gross. Since then I see him everyday. He comes and visits her at work- which at the kiosk there is no manager to object. Anyway- so today- I left work on my way to the music store and the face sucking hormone was sitting on a bench next to the kiosk staring and winking at his girlfriend. no big deal right....maybe he's picking her up because she's off soon. well and hour and a half later when i'm leaving the mall to go to my voice lesson, senior slobber face is STILL on the bench. Same bench- still making wink faces at the girl. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! that is just creepy. I don't care if you are dating. to sit and watch someone work for over and hour is a bit obsessive and says to me that this is an unhealthy relationship. Heaven help them if things don't work out- I have a hunch it will be a really messy break up. But captain creeper just weirds me out...maybe she will get fired and they can take their lusty liason and park it outside someone else's store.

publicly creepering

If you have a facebook account you are familiar with the endless page suggestions, applications, and invites to this and that. I usually just ignore them and periodically I will go through and ignore/reject them. But just the other day I received and invite that caught my attention. This was the invite of all invites. The chance for all stalkers to publicly announce their stalker-ness. The link was supposed to enable a person to view private profiles. Now I'm not going to lie, sometimes I find private profiles irritating..but never enough to hack into them. I mean really, they are private for a reason. My own page is private cause I don't want creepers having access to my stuff. I can't imagine people actually joining this group or app or whatever it is. You are publicly announcing to the world that you are a creeper. If you are going to be a creeper...keep it to yourself. :)

Creeper

There is this commercial...I am not even 100% sure what its for...it might be the I-phone or something. I'm pretty sure its a phone. Anyway, its super creepy. You know the one with all the gigantic cartoon drawings walking all over the city leering at everyone while Willy Wonka sings his creeper song. Then they all disappear as the guy says, "remember when you were five and anything was possible, well, happy 5Th birthday" then the freakish cartoon peers over his shoulder like a stalker...yeah. Its creepy. Not quite up there with the Tarzan song "look over your shoulder and I'll be there" ...but a creeper came up with it for sure!