Stranger Danger?

I love dressing up.  I love that Halloween is a nationally sanctioned excuse to dress up as someone other than me.  I love fall, I love candy, I love Halloween movies...Hocus Pocus anyone?  This year it took me forever to come up with a costume.  Usually I've got it planned by June so I have time to create whatever dreadfully expensive and elaborate idea I've thought up but this year- nothing.  Finally a few weeks ago the idea to be Kat Von D popped into my head and I went with it. 

A costume like that still takes a few hours so I started getting ready in shifts.  I put on all my tattoos (except the sleeves) and half of my make up and then went shopping with some friends.  Halfway through our excursion I forgot all about the giant tattoo I had on my neck.  As I'm walking around I notice people staring at me... but then when I look up they look away quickly.  Or there were the other ones who didn't look away and gave me their best look of disgust.  I couldn't figure out why people were judging me.  And then I remembered the tattoos. 

Anyone who knows me well or for any length of time knows I'm about as straight laced as they come.  I have never before been judged by mass quantities of strangers.  What started as a quick trip to find my friend a costume turned into a really great learning experience for me.  I suddenly understood what it felt like to be judged completely by what I looked like.  I was categorized because of a $5 stick on tattoo.  It really felt awful. These people wrote me off without knowing a single thing about me.  I knew it was a temporary tattoo and that tomorrow people would stop judging me on it...but to know that happens to people all the time just makes me feel kind of sick.  And it's not just tattoos or piercings but we lump people into categories all the time.  That's what people do right? I can't change that.  But what I can change is the way I respond to people.  I like to think I'm a little more open minded than my "friends" in walmart (yeah of all places right?) but I will for sure be more aware of my thoughts and action toward others.  Maybe even smile at strangers.  I like to give people to benefit of the doubt- you never know when they will surprise you. 

I Have But One Regret...

I don't really believe in regret.  I mean, I believe it's a real thing but I don't let myself dwell on the past.  It can't be changed so the best thing to do is learn what you need to learn and move onto your future.  Because of this philosophy I don't really think about the regrets I have in life...mostly I tell myself I don't have any.  But if I'm being honest with myself I do.  Some are bigger than others of course but there is something to learn from them all:

1. I regret not starting voice lessons sooner. 
  I hate that I let my fear of failure and the opinions of others prevent me from doing what I loved for so long! If I had just jumped in with both feet I maybe wouldn't still get so nervous when I sing in front of people.

2.  I regret not using the recording studio time I won at N.A.T.S. two years ago.  I couldn't decide what I wanted to sing so I threw it under my bed and forgot about it until it had expired.  Awesome right.  Just throw away a couple hundred dollars. 

3.  I regret not driving across the freeway to spend more time with Carly.  We were best friends since we were six years old.  Then we went to different high schools and I didn't ever see her.  When I got my license I should have driven the ten minutes to hang out.  Now I don't have the option. 

4.  I had an Ex (who will remain nameless) that treated me like a queen and I didn't appreciate him.  I don't regret our breaking up- I just wish I would have treated him better while we were together.  He really was a great guy.  Just not for me.

That is not bad right? four major regrets in 29 years.  But like I said, I can't change the choices I made.  So what did I learn?  I learned that fear can steal quite a bit of your life before you even realize it's happened.  I learned that I can't let my fear of failure prevent me from trying things.  It's okay to not be perfect at everything.  I learned that if you don't make decisions on your own life and the passage of time will take the decision away from you.  The opportunity of a lifetime is only good for the lifetime of the opportunity.  The door closed on my free recording time -because I let it.  I wasn't sure what I wanted so I ended up with nothing.  Something would have been better than what I've got now.  I learned that great friendships are deserving of my time.  That I need to take advantage of the time I have with people because they will be gone some day.  And although I cherish the memories we have...It would have been great to have more.  And finally I learned that I need to treat people better!  Even if I do want them to go away... it's better to be honest than to drag someone along.  As uncomfortable as it is- I need to always be honest and upfront with people and appreciate all the great qualities they have to offer. So you see, regret can be a good thing if it propels us forward and ultimately helps us to become a better version of ourselves.  I know I am better for every one of these experiences. 

Do I Look Fat In This...??

Entrapment:  The luring by a law-enforcement agent of a person into committing a crime.  Okay- you are thinking "wow, that was random"  but I promise you it is NOT.  you have all hear the question, "Do I look fat in this..."  Same concept.  Person A lures person B into committing a crime.  They either have to lie or get in trouble for offending person A. 

Moral of the story: 

    DO NOT ask questions you don't really want the answers to. 

I taught myself this lesson a few years ago and have saved myself from unnecessary emotional wreckage.  How does one learn this lesson?  The key is- not to ask them until you are prepared to hear and accept ANY answer.  I usually think out the questions I'm going to ask.  Then I prepare myself for all the worst possible answers to the question.  If I am or can get to a point where I can accept the worst answer- then I allow the question to be asked out loud.  If I am not okay with the worst possible answer I don't let myself ask the question.  If I can handle the worst I can for sure handle the best. 

so to everyone in my life- if I ask you an awkward or uncomfortable question you don't have to worry about giving me the "right" answer- if I'm asking I've thought it through and I REALLY want to know the honest answer.  I suggest everyone learn this strategy.  Why? Because if you always ask questions expecting a specific answer you will be disappointed more often than not.  Also- Entrapment is never cool.  It's unfair and creates tension where it doesn't need to be.  So if you aren't prepared to hear that you look fat in that dress- don't ask!!

A Good Man Is Hard To Find...

You know how they tell you that if you want to achieve something you should visualize it.  Picture yourself doing/being something.  Well I totally support that theory and I realized that I don't do it very often anymore.  Especially with dating...I can tell you what I DON'T want in a guy but I might have a hard time telling you what I do want.  I mean, besides the obvious- good hygiene, a job, active in the church.  Those are the three basics but beyond that....who knows. 
That being said I decided to start putting some thought into this particular subject and what better model for the ideal man than to turn to the ultimate source... Jane Austin.  Girl knows her stuff. 

For most people the first Austin character who comes to mind is none other than Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice.   Mr. Darcy is not really my ideal man.  I do admire that he says what he thinks and is super observant.  He is also very rich...not a bad incentive.  However he lacks a sense of humor and he is a bit on the arrogant side.  He also has a horrible family. I would like to get along with my in-laws if possible. 

Col. Brandon, from Sense and Sensibility- not really my type either he is a little old.  He does have his good points as well- He knows what he wants and he is patient in getting it.  Really level headed guy and a gracious loser.  His qualities are to be admired but I need a man who doesn't let go so easily.  His confidence is a lacking and he almost loses the girl because of it.

Okay I cheated- I know this one is not an Austin man but he's still a good one.  Mr. Thornton from North and South.  He is a little hard. He works hard and doesn't really play.  He's educated and takes the time to better himself.  He supports his family and treats his momma well.  He speaks his thoughts with blunt honesty.  He has a bit of a temper but can be reigned in by a good persuasive woman.  This one is a pretty good one- I mean, he's got an awesome accent and Also, he is probably one of the best kissers I've ever seen ;) (maybe because he's NOT an Austin man)

Another good one from Sense and Sensibility- I do love me some Edward Farris.  He is easy going- doesn't take himself too seriously. He is loyal and honest.  He is kind and super thoughtful.  But he is almost too loyal- he almost misses out on his woman because he follows his conscience more strictly than his heart.  Which is great- unless I'm the one being given up.  But he is getting closer to the ideal man.  If we could put him and Mr. Thornton together we might be almost there. 

Mr. Knightly.  The hero from Emma.  Yep I think this is the one closest to my ideal. He is smart, successful, patient, thoughtful, kind, and honest.  He says what he thinks but he does it with tact.  He knows what he wants and he never takes his eye off the target.  But the thing I love the most, the very most, is that he gives Emma her way most of the time, he plays along with her ridiculous ideas but when she crosses the line, he calls her out on it and brings her back in line. My favorite line from the movie is, "Badly done Emma.  Badly done."  Maybe that sounds weird that I love that about him.  It's not though.  Like most women I like to get my own way 99% of the time- but I don't want a man that lets me walk all over him.  I need a man who isn't afraid of me and who respects me enough to stop me from doing something I'll regret later. But he needs to, like Mr. Knightly, understand exactly where that line is.  yep, If only I could find one of those....

What is that whistling sound?

Sometimes I wonder about mom's here in Utah county.  At the Gap we are getting new hardwood floors.  FINALLY!! They look awesome.  anyway, these new floors won't be completely done for about a month.  That means that right now our floors are plywood.  Unfinished, rough cut, splintery wood floors.  The floors aren't so bad when they are first laid but after a few days of fixtures being dragged across them and shoppers with strollers- there is chipping and breaking...  With that in mind I will tell you that today I saw 3 different toddlers running around the store with no shoes on.  Um, Mom your kid is going to get a dirty splinter in their foot and you are at the mall without tweezers.  So maybe either put the kid in the stroller you insisted on bringing in with you or put some dang shoes on the kid...it's really not rocket science.  Do what is best for you kids, not just what they like the best! 
Another mom- decided she would slide across the one finished section of floor with her boys.  Only problem was- mom was wearing heels.  Nice.  I wanted to tap her on the shoulder and say, "mom, how would you like it if I came into your newly remodeled kitchen and slid across your floors in my 4" heels?  Across those brand new floors you've been waiting ten years for- oh and I'm going to come do it before they are even done.  Before you have had a chance to see the finished product."  seriously I don't know what goes through these people's heads- besides air that is.   

 

I'd rather scrub the toilet

I would say I am a pretty organized and clean person.  I don't mind doing dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, etc.  I can do almost any chore/task and be fine- even enjoy it a little.  I will confess that there are two things I just don't like to do.  Not only do I not "like" to do them, it almost kills me to do them.  I put them off and off until I can't put it off anymore.  What are these horrific tasks? 
1.  Cutting my bangs.  I don't know why I hate to do it so much.  I cut people's hair all the time.  I guess if I had to come up with a reason I would say it's because I have to leave my eyes open and then I get hair slivers in my eyes.  Also, right after I cut them I have a hard time pulling them back- they are not long enough to stay in the bobby pins.
2.  Putting my laundry away.  I don't mind washing it but I just hate putting it away.  In fact, most of the time, I just wear my clothes off the dryer or off the end of my bed.  even right now I'm sitting across from a laundry basket of clean clothes that has been sitting on the fireplace for a week and a half.  (yes I still have enough clothing that I can leave half of it on the dryer for two weeks and not have a problem getting dressed).  I guess it has something to do with the fact that I work in a retail clothing store.  I put clothes away all the time and I guess when I get home the last thing I want to do is fold and put away more clothes.  Because at home no one is paying me to do it. 

I know they are ridiculous things.  But I kid you not, I'd rather clean the toilet or scrub the floor than put my clean clothes back where they go.  A minor vice- but I'm sure it will drive my future husband crazy.  Unless I no longer work retail- then maybe I can over come this flaw.  maybe. 

It Doesn't Have To Be So Bad...

Here are a few tips for successful dating.  I know that sounds ridiculous coming from me since I'm still single but I have been on A LOT of dates.  I see the same mistakes made over and over.  And really when I want to be, I can be a really really fun date.  So I think more people should not discount my advice.  I have directed my post toward men but ladies you can for sure benefit from this as well.  Most of these go both ways.  I only direct it toward men because typically they are the ones asking and planning the dates...or at least they should be.  (yes this is for real)

10.  Don't talk about the money you are spending.  $5 or $50 just don't bring it up, even jokingly.  It makes us feel a little awkward/guilty and it's kind of tacky.  You planned the date- if it's too expensive you should have planned something cheaper. 

9.  Don't over do your first date.  Keep it simple with lots of opportunity to talk.  If you can't carry on a conversation on the first date you might as well cut your losses now.  A more elaborate/expensive date does not guarantee she will like you more.  In fact it might be the opposite.

8.  if she doesn't return your call/texts- don't keep trying.  If the world were fair, She would just tell you she's not interested but let's be honest- most girls won't just come out and say it.  so salvage your pride and let it go.  If she changes her mind she's got your number. 

7.  Don't come on too strong.  Show your interest but give her a chance to miss you!  If your date is fantastic it's fine to text her the next day but don't over do it.  Allow her time to figure out if she likes you...let her think about you.  She can't do that if you don't give her some space.  Leave the conversation at a high point...leave her wanting more.  Think about it- Even if you love cheesecake you will be sick of it if someone asked you to eat too much of it at once.  Same idea here. Give her just enough to stay interested.

6. Don't get too physical too fast.  Even if a date is going well you might ruin things for the future if you push too fast.  Your date may leave feeling like that's all you want.  As the saying goes:

5.  Don't try to sell yourself to her- Ask her questions.  Find out about her!! Then Listen when she answers you.  That is the easiest way to keep a conversation going and figure out if you are compatible with this person. 

4. be respectful of your date and of their time.  People are busy these days.  If someone has taken time to go out with you- be fun.  use your time together well-don't play video games/watch YouTube videos/get stuck talking to other people, etc. (those have their time and place but not on a first or second date and please use in moderation) Men open doors and ladies thank him for it!

3.  Do Not text while on your date.  In fact, unless you have an emergency (which you should probably reschedule your date if that is the case) don't even take your phone out.  Turn it off.  Put it away.  Be in the moment.  You can talk to anyone else when you get home.

2.  Do not talk about ex's, past dates, other people you are attracted too.  unless for some freak reason it is relevant to the conversation and then don't dwell on it.  Live in the present. 

1.  Do not air all your dirty laundry.  We all have our past- your date doesn't need to know every thing you've ever done wrong in your lifetime.  Give them a chance to get to know who you are NOW before you tell them how you got there.  Telling your date too much before they are ready to hear it is an unfair position to put them in.

To Crush or Not to Crush?

I am going to go out on a limb and assume that most of you have had a crush on a person at some point in your life.  So you are pretty familiar with a "crush".  They call it that because you pretty much end up like this coke can here.  You obsess over this person.  You get butterflies everytime you see them.  They can pretty much do NO wrong.  You justify everything they do to manipulate the facts so that you still think there might be hope that this person could possibly return your feelings.  In the end, they usually don't and your hopes as well as your feelings...and usually your self-esteem end up "crushed".  Hence the name. 

Are we all clear on that?  Good.  Now let me explain a term less well known but one I am very very fond of.  A crinkle.  Yes you heard me right.  Fortunately, I have not had a crush since I was 21yrs old but I do at times harbor a crinkle.  What the heck is a crinkle?  Let me enlighten you. 

A crinkle is a low level crush but more than a passing interest.  A crinkle can dissipate as quickly as it develops.  It is an interest in someone but not one with a deep emotional connection.  A crinkle can be eradicated if that person says or does something stupid, doesn't reciprocate the interest, etc... Your hopes are not pinned on this person and you do not need to build them up or justify their actions.  It is possible, and highly likely, that a person will have more than one crinkle at a time.  If things don't work out you just move on.  Much like this piece of paper.  It's crinkled, but smooth it out a little and it's still usable. Unlike the crushed can.     

The reason for this post?  I was confessing a crinkle a few weeks ago to a good friend and she was not even sure what I meant...so hopefully I have cleared up any confusion between the terms.  :)  Crinkles are far less exhausting.  But they are also not as exciting.  And maybe a little more confusing- since your feelings can change from hour to hour.  So, if you suffer from either I wish you luck!