Let's Respect the Bubble okay?

I am a BIG fan of my personal space. I like boundaries. I let very few people cross those boundaries. My bubble is my safe zone. Seriously, I am not joking. There are very few people in this world I will even give a real hug to. Anyway, I like to keep a safe distance from me and basically the rest of the world.

Today however, I had to go pick up some stuff for my mom on my lunch break. I went into Sees Candy- bad idea during the month of December. The lines are Awful. Well, I'm standing in line and I realize there is a middle aged man standing behind me. But not just behind me- he is standing so close to me he is basically on my back. Like a barnacle attached to the Titanic. Being a person who really isn't comfortable with a strange person breathing on my neck I inched forward. What does he do? He inches forward as well. I mean really?! its not like someone is going to rush from the back of the line and slip into the millimeter of space between us. I know I am dramatic sometimes but I'm really not exaggerating. If this man had been any closer I would have been mistaken for Quasimodo.

It's just awkward. I don't like people I know to stand that close to me so why on earth would I want a strange man to do so? The answer is I don't. I think everyone should have to pass a social acceptability test before they are allowed to go out in public.

Get Off!!

When I first saw this picture I just thought it was funny. Then I looked at it again and started to wonder how something like this happens. THEN I realized it happens all the time, and not just with dogs. For our purposes, Lets call the dog on the ground Buster and the dog sitting, Chief.

Things I noticed about this photo:

1. Same kind of dog

2. They are pretty much the same size

3. Buster looks sad and defeated

4. Chief looks like its the most natural thing in the world. It has become so common place that he hardly even notices what's happening.

So my conclusion is that Buster allowed Chief to over power him and be in control. who cares? they are just dogs.

So many times I find myself being "sat on" by other people. People who are similar to me, who are not any better than I am (physically, mentally, or emotionally) and yet, for one reason or another, I allow myself to be intimidated into submission. Not as often as I used to, and maybe not to this extreme but it does happen.

We all make choices to allow ourselves to be put down by people around us. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." We allow it to happen. Sometimes these people do it on purpose, either through subtle hints or blatant put downs. Sometimes they are people close to us who don't even realize they are making us feel "squished". Fact is, Buster is just as great of a dog as Chief but over time or experience he has let himself believe that Chief is stronger and more capable. I have done this so many times. Because of experiences I've had or things people have said to me, I let myself believe that other people deserve more. That it's okay to let people use me and have their way ALL the time. Frankly, its not true. I need to become my biggest fan. Especially when I find myself on the ground being crushed under the weight of another. I need to find my inner strength-and face my "Chief" head on. We were not sent to this earth to act small. Or to allow others to make our decisions or determine how we feel and where we will go in life. We were created equal. We have all been created for greater things and it's time we start acting like it.

Dear Winter

Dear Winter,

Let me tell you why you will never be my one true love.

I Do not Like:
1. being cold
2. Driving in the snow
3. Dry skin
4. staticy hair
5. walking on black ice
6. scraping my windows


Things I do like:
1. holidays
2. hot chocolate
3. layering
4. Christmas lights

As you can see the dislikes out weight the likes and really, you could argue that my #1 and #4 like are pretty much the same. If I am being honest, I really don't mind snow as long as I don't have to drive in it. I think you can be beautiful as long as I get to stay inside by my fireplace drinking hot chocolate. I love sweaters, jackets, and turtlenecks. I love hats, gloves, and scarves. But not for 8 months. I can do maybe 4 and then the fun is over. I know if I had a man to cuddle with I would probably not mind you so much- And I am open to revisit my feelings about you when that day comes. But for now, winter, please don't stay too long and don't be too harsh. okay? okay!

Sincerely,
A cold girl

With a Smile on My Face

What I learned today:

Never verbalize that you are really happy with your life right now. The second you say it, Satan will swoop in and try his hardest to change it. Then you must decide if you are going to let him.

Seriously, within hours of telling my bishop that I was genuinely happy things just sort of fell apart for me...which landed me on my bed with nothing left in me to hold it together. So what do you do when all your stitches break? you cry like a helpless infant.

And now that I have had a good cry, I will pick myself up. Dust myself off and put it behind me. I am happy with my life right now. Yes I'm tired. Yes my life isn't perfect...but it's not bad either. I want to be happy- I like to be the friend who is the solid one that makes everyone smile when they are having a bad day. So that's who I choose to be. That is who I will be tomorrow. Just me- with a smile on my face.

Isn't it about Time?

Its interesting how things happen isn't it? Or I should say, when things happen. I was talking to my mom today-because she's a great person to talk to, and I was reminded of an incident that happened about six years ago. Back when I had to have my appendix out. No, I know what some of you are thinking...its true that my most embarrassing moment is also associated with this trip to the hospital but that is not the topic of my blog today. Perhaps another day.

Anyway, the conversation reminded me of part of a blog I had written just yesterday about the scriptures I was reading. (See Here) Near the end of the blog there is a quote by Hugh Nibley that says, "the miracle is in the timing, not in the event" and it made me realize how grateful I am for the timing of the Lord in my life.

This particular event happened near the end of my fourth year at BYU. I had just finished writing a 15 pg term paper for one of my upper level Political Science classes. (when I say JUST I mean I was literally walking out of my professors office after turning in my paper) On my way home from campus I started to experience some pain in my abdomen. I will skip all the fun parts of this story and just tell you that around 3am I was taken into emergency surgery and admitted to the hospital until later that afternoon. At the time, my apt was on the 3rd floor, try walking up six flights of stairs after having your lower abdomen cut open and restitched. Not fun. I was alone except for when my roommates didn't have class because my family was still living in California at the time. I couldn't even sleep in my own bed because it was too high and I couldn't climb into it without hurting myself.

I was supposed to stay in bed for a week, but after 4 days I couldn't stand it anymore. I almost passed out in the shower and then had my roommates drive me to church where I taught my Sunday school class sitting down (got chewed out by the Sunday school pres later -nice huh) anyway- what I'm getting at here is that it was a really hard week for me. I was restricted to my couch and I was not supposed to do any physical activity for two weeks.

Doesn't sound too bad? two week vacation from school. what's two weeks right? Wrong. This particular semester I had five dance classes in addition to my poly sci classes. And this was 3 weeks away from the end of the term. I missed a mid-term but I had an incredible poly sci teacher who I had taken a class from previously who told me not to worry about it until I was recovered. I also had several dance teachers who could have failed me for not participating but chose to count just coming to class toward my grade. It sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm really not- just illustrating the situation.

What did I learn from all this? Situations can't always be avoided so be grateful for the blessings you get. Blessing #1-I had great teachers who knew I was a good student and took some pressure off me!! Blessing #2- had my surgery been a week later, or even a few days later I would have had to take an incomplete on all my dance classes for the entire term. I would have wasted half my tuition money. As it was, my final exams in two dance classes were 13 days after my surgery. So not having practiced in two weeks I took my tests...I passed but it hurt like crazy...have you ever tried to samba/cha cha/rumba with fairly new incisions? Hip rib isolations are not a desirable post surgery activity. Just saying. Blessing #3- my roommates mom was in town and made me food for the first two days of recovery. Blessing #4- I had double insurance so I only paid $15 for a $16,000 surgery. I would love to complain about having the surgery or not being able to practice for my finals but I can't. I am just grateful I was able to take the finals at all!! That I was able to finish my paper beforehand and that the surgery landed on just the right date to allow me to recover for almost the 2 weeks before having to dance again. Its not the event, but the timing of the event that is the miracle. Big or small I am eternally grateful for the miracles in my life.

Lazy

I really need to stop texting. My grammar is suffering. Usually on my phone I don't really use punctuation- mostly because I have to switch to my other keyboard and its just annoying to do. I'm lazy when I text. But the problem is, it's crossing over into the rest of my life. I keep forgetting to put an apostrophe on my 'its'. what is that?!?! I never miss stuff like that! Oh but I did, my facebook page confirms my laziness in action. Things have got to change-from now on, perfect grammar in my text messaging.

Way to go Einstein

Well...I found the missing prize envelope with my gift certificates in it....and guess what?! my studio recording time expired in September. Nice. way to go me! I LOVE when I do stuff like that. what a waste. That's it- I'm winning again this year, both legit and belt and I'm going to march myself straight in and use the stuff before it all expires. LAME!!!

Spice of Life

I know, I'm post happy tonight. I just got back from zumba and I've decided that I am pretty picky about my zumba instructors. What makes a good one?? variation. I hate when all the songs sound the same, have the same tempo, and have similar footwork or choreography. There are hundreds of zumba songs...spice things up. I don't want to use the same 4 muscles for an hour. I also hate when they change the tempo of a perfectly good song to make it weird. I like to hear the rhythm of the song so that I can count it and memorize the sequence..if its a weird tempo I don't feel like I get a good work out...I don't know why...I just don't. That was the case tonight, it started out great...but after about 30 minutes it started to feel like the same song over and over and over again. I considered just leaving early since I was already cooled down and pretty much knew my work out was over...but I stayed. I was right though...longest 'cool down' of my life. whatever, I guess it was better than sitting on my couch all night.

Why don't I listen??

once upon a time I entered a vocal competition at BYU. I won said competition and inside my packet was a voucher for 2 free hours of studio recording time. The lady handing them out said, "now there is good stuff in these packets so make sure you put them somewhere safe, don't just toss them under your bed". Well friends guess what I did. I used one thing and put the envelope somewhere and now I have NO IDEA where that packet is and I think it expires in January! AHH!! so I need to get my butt into the studio and use my winnings....looks like its time to tear my room apart...what better way to spend my day off tomorrow. right? right. ugh. wish me luck.

Interesting

If you are looking for something interesting to read....go ahead and click HERE

This Ain't Disneyland....

I really don't like drop rides. I can handle most other roller coasters but I just don't like the sensation of falling. I force myself to ride tower of terror at Disneyland because well...it just has to be done. But I don't ride it like everyone else...I sort of fold myself in half so I don't feel it as much- I'm never in any pictures which is fine with me but its probably pretty entertaining to watch...also I trust Disney to keep their rides in working order.

I never have understood why people like drop rides. Why do people like to feel out of control? Because you trust that the ride is going to work- that its going to catch where it needs to catch and not plummet you to your death. Why am I blogging about drop rides? because I feel like I've just climbed onto one. Let me explain...

when I hear the phrase "leap of faith" I picture Indiana Jones and the last crusade- for those of you who have not seen it (crime) Harrison Ford is standing on a cliff that is basically a black hole with no bottom and he has to step out having only faith that there is something to catch his fall....turns out there is an invisible beam....

okay Indiana Jones and drop rides- do you see where I am going with this? A leap of faith-could lead to the drop ride feeling, the feeling of falling. Lets say the catch isn't exactly level from the place you step...you might fall a little before you catch and go back up...

Basically I am going to be taking a leap of faith very soon, and I am anticipating a little or a big drop before I go back up...knowing how I feel about this sensation, I should be terrified. I am not. I feel good about making a decision....I won't tell you what it is because it really sounds crazy. My logical mind can tell you all the reasons its irrational and why its a bad decision. But I feel really good about it. I can't tell you why-I know I'm going to get a lot of flack for it from everyone I know. I can hear it now "what are you thinking?" "have you lost all your ambition?" "you are better than this, you are wasting your life"....maybe I am. But every time I go for my 'rational smart' options I feel absolutely sick with anxiety. And my crazy unexplainable option...I feel really calm about. It might lead to some of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life or the best, I'm not really sure. It's crazy....I'm willingly taking my leap of faith, getting on my real life drop ride....its not Disneyland but I'm trusting that my Father is going to catch me and bring me back up at just the right time.

Must I really?

This last summer was really hard for me- My ward became inundated with high school seniors. I suddenly felt ancient. I came to the conclusion that I couldn't go through that ever again. Unfortunately the only way to avoid it was to go back to the home ward and teach nursery (not gonna happen) or to get married. So I made a goal to be engaged by the end of August 2012. Why did I give myself a timeline? well, because all good goals need to be measurable and they need to have a deadline. It sounds totally crazy- and maybe it is. Marriage is not something you can control but at the time I didn't care-it was the light at the end of my very very young and dark tunnel.

The last few weeks I have started to think about that goal and why I made it. It not your typical goal. And lets be honest, I'm not going to make my timeline. I refuse to get married unless I've dated someone for at least a year...oops-guess that rules out august. I'm not super concerned about meeting my time frame though - what I am concerned about is the why? and I have learned some very important things about myself.

As a general rule, I hate dating. Why? lots of reasons. I very rarely get excited for a date, its actually usually the opposite. I am forever and always being set up on blind dates or I get the "hey my friend thinks you are cute can I give him your number" I hardly ever go out with guys I'm actually interested in. I have almost completely stopped getting ready -in any manner- for my dates. I just go as is. My dates don't make me laugh and half of them can't hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes. And even when I am interested, it usually doesn't last long because the guy doesn't ask me about me. We talk about him ALL night long- its not fun to be interested in someone who is more interested in themselves.

the other reason I don't like dating is that I don't like to be an imposition on anyone. Some girls are like "hey free meal right?" NO...I hate that. If I don't like a guy I feel horrible making him pay for me. I guess I am just used to taking care of myself. I'm getting better but its totally hard for me. I also am super busy-so if I'm not interested in my date, its hard for me to keep myself in the moment. I start thinking of all the other things I could be getting done. Instead I have to make conversation with someone who isn't helping. Have you ever tried to ask someone questions while at the same time trying not to ask too many questions so you don't seem overly interested when you are not. Its exhausting.

So you see, its not really about the goal or the timeline- its about making myself date and get out of my comfort zone. Maybe if I can force myself on enough awkward dates, I will change my attitude and someday enjoy the process. Maybe.

This is what I've learned this week:

Short dates are a blessing when you have nothing in common
People who can't hold a conversation shouldn't major in communications
If you want to make a good impression you should have a plan
when awkward people don't talk I say stupid things and sound like a jerk or a moron
its a bad sign when you have more fun with your server than with your date

I went on two dates this week-both really nice guys. Really they are, they are just not for me. They didn't meet my basics...

Ambition is a must. If you are 27 please don't tell me you have no idea what you want to do with your life. I don't care what you want to do...but have something. You don't need to make a million dollars you just need to have a plan to get up off your coach.

An active member of the church who holds and uses his temple recommend. Its important to me and I want to see that its important to him.

A sense of humor. I love to laugh. I want someone to make me laugh. Also my family is a little crazy and I don't want to be with someone who takes themselves too seriously. There is a time and a place for serious..but life should be fun.

Someone who isn't scared of me. I'm not that scary. He should know when to talk and when to listen. I like to talk but not all the time- sometimes I just want to listen to someone else talk. I have a lot of opinions and sometimes they aren't right- I need someone who isn't afraid to tell me so. I mean- I want to get my way 95% of the time- but I admit that sometimes I need to be put in my place. That can't happen if a man is afraid of me.

That is my first set of minimums- I have another list of nice to haves but I never get to that list because I rarely go out with a guy who meets even one of the above...and that is why I hate dating and why I make crazy goals for myself ....

Still More

Today I was reading the priesthood session of General Conference-And I read a talk by a general authority that I have never heard of- Elder Waddell. (read talk here) As I read his talk I was thinking- "man this guy is saying exactly what I think but so much better!" As I finished the talk I realized that I probably need to apologize to quite a few people who have probably misunderstood things I've said. Lets be honest-for those of you who know me well or even semi-well you know that I just speak without censoring. If it comes in my head I just say it-I don't always have the skill to process it first and make sure it will be taken exactly how I want it to.

Let me explain. Many of you have probably heard me say that I hate when every comment a person makes is about their mission. I have even said that they need to let go and move on. But what I really mean by that, and I didn't realize how I was coming across until I read this talk today, is that sometimes people get stuck in their missions. Its the biggest learning experience of their lives and before they know it, they've been back a few years and haven't been able to move on. Here, I'm doing it again.

I think missions are great. I respect those who sacrifice so much to fulfil their priesthood responsibility. I love missionaries. I know that a mission is a huge opportunity filled with spiritual and personal growth. I am glad that so many missionaries love their missions and the people in them- they should!! I totally respect that. I love to hear mission stories and I love when people can invite the spirit by sharing something they learned while serving. But I also feel that a mission should be a jumping off point- when missionaries come home, they need to keep growing and serving...I don't want them to forget those things but they need to ADD to the mission experience. I know it won't be quite as dramatic but there are still people to teach and experiences to be had right in your own neighborhood. The mission teaches lessons that would otherwise take a lifetime to learn- but "the ongoing blessings associated with missionary service require application after the sacrifice" These missionaries need to take the lessons out of the mission and apply them to their life NOW!! If ten years after the mission-the only spiritual experiences you've had are from the mission- you are cheating yourself and everyone around you!

Maybe I didn't clear anything up at all- but I love missionaries, I applaud those who have served faithful missions-I love hearing your stories and feeling your spirits! I just don't want you to cheat yourself by thinking that's all you've got- The things learned on the mission are essential to making you who you will become, but it is not everything...there is a lot of life to still be lived after your mission!!

Well Put

My mom is the best. seriously, she makes me laugh all the time. This morning I was waiting to go to work and I had crawled into my dad's side of the bed and was just chatting with my mom. we were talking about dating and the type of guys I usually date and she says to me, "There aren't very many great guys out there. And the really good guys are taken by paraplegics and girls with no arms". Wow mom. Really? I died laughing.

Then tonight she went with me to the grocery store. Normally I just park where ever, I'm not super into parking way close. I don't mind walking. But my mom is having a knee replacement in about a week and I didn't want her to have to walk far so I was trying to find a good spot. I spotted a car about to pull out of their spot and so I sat and waited. Then the conversation went like this:

Me: "gees, why are they taking so long to pull out"
Mom: "well, what's wrong with the spot right next to them?"
Me: "oh. Nothing. I guess it is just as close"

She just has a fantastic way of saying things. So matter of fact. It makes me smile!

You think i'm kidding.

Once when I was like 12 years old my mom let me take piano lessons. I was super excited for about 2 weeks and then I got bored. I was the oldest student my teacher had and I think she just didn't know how to think outside the box. She just moved to slow-made my go page by page through the baby books- and after a few years I finally quit. I never practiced, I just memorized my songs about 20 min before my lesson and then on to the next- never really LEARNING anything. Piano started taking time away from the rest of my life- I had church callings to fulfill grades to maintain, and money to earn. So piano lessons and I went our separate ways. To be honest I have never really regretted that decision. Its not now, nor will it ever be, a passion of mine. I respect and admire people who play but diversity makes the world great right?!

Because I don't play anything I'm not super great at reading music. I took piano long enough to know the difference between a quarter note and a whole note. I know what a measure is and the time signature. I know how to read dynamics and basically follow along. What I can't do is look at music and tell you what key its written in or what note falls on which line (unless its middle C) and I can't look at a note and sing it right off the page. I have to hear it played and then I usually just memorize pretty quick. But I'm not completely clueless. Where is this going? let me tell you.

So tonight I was at my ward choir practice for our Christmas program. There weren't very many people there and we started 2 new songs I've never heard before. I asked the pianist to play my part a few times and made the mistake of saying "I can't read music" Big mistake. The obnoxious boy- and yes I deliberately use the word boy even though he is at least 21-decided he was going to take that information and show how much smarter he is than me as far as music goes. Seriously, I don't even know this kid's name but I want to punch him in the face every week. He talks incessantly and distracts the rest of the tenors so that the choir director has to repeat herself and it takes twice as long to get through anything. He makes the most irrelevant comments and well, he is basically a train wreck. The sad part is he has a pretty nice voice...he just needs to use it for more singing and less talking.

So tonight, remember this is the first time we've ever heard the song, he starts nit picking about ending words together and what dynamics we should be singing. "is it MF or MP?" "We should be pronouncing it like this blah blah blah"...really kid. The reason we aren't holding it is because we are still figuring out what notes we are supposed to be singing...we haven't even started working on timing and dynamics. Then when he wasn't doing that, he was saying things like, "this is a dumb song. I don't want to sing this. can't we sing a normal Christmas song." so if this wasn't reason enough for a person like me to get irritated and kick him, he starts talking down to me like I'm retarded and have no idea what's going on. Yes, its true, I can't pick a note out of thin air but I'm not totally retarded...I have been taking private lessons for almost two years...I can manage my way through a choir piece without his help! ahh...I might have told him that we didn't need his attitude and that if he didn't have anything positive to say he didn't need to come back next week...he thought I was kidding...but kind of I wasn't. I predict he will be single for a very very long time.

Not Yours to Gamble...

Guess what...you are NOT Paul Walker and you have not been cast in Too Fast Too Furious. Seriously, I have driven to work the last two days and I have almost been hit 3 times. Two of those times were within 5 minutes of each other. Mr. Honda Civic with the extra large headlights decided he was going to pass me on the right and then barely leave enough room when he decided to cut me off AND THEN 2 minutes later a silver Subaru with something to prove decides that even though his lane is ending, he's going to continue to speed up. Good thing I was paying attention because if I had not stepped on my brakes he would have hit my car from the right at about 60 mph knocking me into on coming traffic. Nice. I love when other people decide to take chances with my life and/or property. The worst part about all this, within one light, they both ended up BEHIND me anyway. The funny thing is, at the time I didn't really even think about that they could have killed me. The first thing I thought was, "I would never date a guy who drove like that". Sounds irrational? maybe. but maybe not. You see, a person who drives like that is selfish. They are only thinking of themselves and what they want. Which is a symptom of the way their brain processes. Also, someone who drives like that is probably going to have high insurance premiums due to multiple tickets/accidents. Also that person has a higher chance of killing themselves in an accident. Moral of the story...don't be a Jerk!! My life is not yours to gamble.

Excessive Touching

Yesterday I went with a friend to hear a band play at Valour. Its a small venue where lots of local bands play for their fans. Anyway, we are standing there listening to this band and I started to notice the people around me. I first noticed the guys behind me. Three guys in their early twenties, one of which was very vocal. He was also kind of dimwitted. Amy (the singer of the band) was talking about her guitar player and said his solo made her weep. The Einstein behind me yells back, "YOU make ME weak"....she was so confused. And rightly so. Since she said WeeP and not weaK. He continued to drool over her all night. I was slightly embarrassed for him.

The second thing I noticed was the awkward couple in front of me. she was totally cute. Her boyfriend on the other hand....um..yeah. He was like a foot shorter than her with greasy red hair and unkempt facial hair. He had zero rhythm and he repeatedly rubbed his hand, back and forth across the small of her back. And I don't mean just a few times or for a few minutes. He probably rubbed a whole in her shirt. His hand went back and forth for over and HOUR. Seriously? if that had been me I would have chopped his hand off. She didn't even flinch...actually she didn't even look at him once, its like they were at the concert separately and the only indication they had of being together was his bloody hand!! What is worse than awkward couples, awkward couples touching each other!

Not just about the numbers

Its Veteran's day. Did you know that? This holiday always makes me sad...mostly because so many people forget about it. Everyone is so excited on facebook about it being 11-11-11. Big deal. What about the real significance of today...what about all those people who have sacrificed so much so that we could be on facebook freaking out about the date. I just want to publicly say how grateful I am to so many great men and women who have sacrifice so much! Here is an article about one amazing veteran of WWII. Its worth reading-he was an incredible example of what this country is missing today.


Happy Veteran's Day!!!

The Pitfalls of Running

I don't know if I've posted about this before...I probably have, but if that's true its been awhile so I'm going to do it again.

A few nights ago I went with a friend to a dessert party for an old MTC companion of hers. The companion isn't old, its just been awhile since they were companions. Anyway, we were talking about how she is close to graduating from BYU and what her plans were now. Turns out she and so many of my friends share a common frustration. A frustration that is probably only common in Mormon society.

As a good LDS girl you are raised with the plan that you will get married and start a family. You go to school and you meet people but nothing works out. So one day you find yourself graduated from a university with your original plan unfulfilled. Now what? well, you can't just sit there and hope prince charming comes along -so you make another plan. With this new plan, you date guys and they ask what you are doing now that you are done with school. You tell them, and now they don't want to date you because you have a plan and they don't want to get in the way of that plan; Or maybe they are simply intimidated by it. Either way its stupid. Of course you have a plan...anyone with a healthy level of self respect would have a plan. It doesn't mean you aren't willing to adjust your plan for someone stellar so that you can finish out your original plan.

This is the catch 22, no one wants a girl who sits around and does nothing, but apparently most men don't want a girl who has plans. If you tell them you have a plan they run away. If you tell them you want to get married they run twice as fast. This is why I have so many amazing friends who are single..they are smart, funny, motivated, spiritual women who know who they are and what they want....apparently that is NOT attractive. Go figure.

my theory-Men need to act like men. Seriously they need more confidence in themselves and more faith in the Lord. They get scared too easily and run away. Well, I'm not a runner. I hate running. So if a man runs away from me I will just let him go...maybe he'll trip over a rock, hit his head, and gain some common sense.

I Am Thankful ....

So the other day my friend asked me to think of the things about me that I'm thankful for. Everyone could probably make a list of 100 things they are thankful for on the spot...but can we do it about ourselves? I think for most of us its much easier to come up with a list of things we don't like about ourselves or the things we've failed at or just done less than perfect. I was talking to a good friend of mine one night-and I said I was kind of boring, that sometimes I felt like I didn't contribute much to my friendships. That my friends did most the talking and I was just kind of there. She told me that she could see what I was talking about but it wasn't because I was boring- it was the opposite. She compared it to a coloring book. She said that other people bring the book with the monotoned pictures -they bring the structure -and I bring the crayons and I color in their pictures. I bring them to life and add to their stories. I was so busy seeing how I thought I fell short that I didn't see myself from another perspective. I am too often guilty of focusing on my faults so I am going to make a list (don't worry it won't be 100 things) of things about me I'm thankful for.

I would challenge everyone reading this to do the same thing...you don't have to blog about it but I think everyone should just focus on the positive every once in awhile. So here is my list, in no particular order:

I am thankful for....

My expressive face

my height which allows me to wear heals of any height

my singing voice

the ability to learn quickly

the ability to remember people and things

my sense of humor

my testimony

the ability to understand people and their motives

a fairly even temperament

the ability to forgive quickly

my work ethic

the gift of discernment

being happy most of the time/I don't get depressed

the ability to handle pressure

healthy body-I almost never get sick

the ability to hide nerves

the skills of communicating -writing and public speaking

my love of history

good nail beds

strong teeth

self control

the ability to accept things as they are

ability to make friends

willingness to try new things and confront fears

being financially responsible

independence

good problem solving skills

my very pale skin-I know tan is considered beautiful but I like my complexion

not taking offense easily

easily entertained

relating to people of all ages

being a little nerdy

these are some of the things I'm grateful for about myself. And anytime I'm feeling down on myself I'm going to re-read this blog and remind myself that I'm pretty cool. Elder Holland has said, "I suppose it goes without saying that negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking about ourselves. we see our own faults, we speak-or at least think-critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long we and everybody around us are miserable".

we are all pretty awesome! Lets be our biggest fans and make the world around us a better happier place!

Two Reasons to Stay Single

Singles wards. I'm not sure how anyone makes it out alive. Last night I went to the CES fireside. Well, I went to a broadcast of it because the Marriott center chairs are SUPER uncomfortable. Anyway, they broadcast it in a building on the temple lot and basically my whole stake is invited to come...so all of alpine, pleasant grove, Lindon...you get the drift.

I am just going to say- EVERY TIME I go to something like this I realize why I, and so many of my friends, are still single. There was a guy on the row behind me who was not bad looking..but seriously the guy could not shut his mouth. He talked and laughed through the whole fireside. I am all about laughing and having a good time but seriously?! at 20 something years old you should know when it is and is not appropriate and you should be able to somewhat control yourself. A serious turn off!!

Now, lets talk about the boy next to me. Remember how I draw the awkward ones no matter where I go. Well this one was awkward. I am pretty sure he has ADHD. At least I hope he does because that's the only logical explanation. The broadcast is only and hour from start to finish and this boy had to get up twice. Which was actually less distracting than when he stayed in his seat. He bounced his knee incessantly! oh except for when he would slap his knee super hard to stop the bouncing. Then he started break dancing with his arms. Then he laid his head down on the pew in front of us and started snaking and body rolling from his head down. Then he decided to put his coat on but not all the way and then take it off again. He did this more than once. wow.

Between the guy behind me and the guy next to me I felt a little like I was in primary. I tried really hard to listen close but I have a feeling I will have to print that talk off and read it again. Perhaps next time I will go with my Asocial tendencies and watch it on KBYU by myself.

Believe it or not, sometimes I know what I'm talking about

Yesterday at work we were running a promotion- Spend $100 get $40 off. We were totally busy...and I jumped on a register to help move the line along. The customer who came up had a jacket he was purchasing and it rang up for $98. Being the nice person I am I asked him if he wanted to grab a pair of socks or something else to get his total to $100. He declined. I restated it by saying, "you know if you add on a pair of socks they will be free and it will save you $40. He again said "no I'll just take the jacket". WHAT THE?!?! no. Normally I'm all about respecting the agency of others but seriously I could not, in good conscience, let this guy pay $100 when he could walk out with the same item for $60. So I told him I was going to grab him a chap stick- he could give it to him mom, his sister, keep it or throw it away but I was adding it on for him. I grabbed a yummy mint flavored "gap-stick" and saved the guy $40. Honestly, he was about 16 or 17 years old and probably thought I was trying to sucker him into something. which I wasn't.

I had a few other people who were also lacking in common sense...there were others who were spending $70 and didn't want to spend the time to find $30 worth of free stuff. Its like they didn't understand that they would be paying the same amount and getting more stuff. who doesn't want that?? I think people need to make sure when they leave the house they need to bring their brains along because sometimes retail people really are just trying to get you the best deal-especially since I don't work on commission. Sometimes it pays to set your ideas aside and listen to what you are being told...

Whiter than I thought

Hopefully you are familiar with the color code personality theory. Cause that's what this is about. I have always thought I was a split between red and blue. Then a few weeks ago an old friend said they saw me as more of a white...I blew off the comment but then this week I put some thought into it and decided to retake the color test. In the past I have always taken the test with other people around. Which was probably a bad idea because my family always get stuck on the fact that I'm pretty stubborn. They fixate on that and don't look at any other aspects or my personality. Today I took off my blinders and really thought about each question. I thought not only about work, which I usually do, but about relationships, about roommates, about confrontations I have had and looked a little deeper into my reactions to various situations. Turns out, I don't have as much red in my personality as I thought. yes, I am stubborn, determined, and goal oriented. But I am also emotional, loyal, and need to be understood. On top of that I am non confrontational, I'm a good listener and I get along with almost everyone. I pick my battles and want to connect emotionally more than I need to be in charge. Most of the time I just go with the flow but when I do have an opinion-you can bet I'm going to be passionate about it. Funny but I'm actually a very close count between blue and white. with less red. Go figure.

Goodbye Fingertips

I can't feel my fingers. It's a wonder I'm even able to type. I needed extensions for Halloween. But I forgot to buy them until about an hour before I needed to wear them. So basically I cut them randomly and bobby pinned them in my hair. However, I decided since I spent so much money on the stupid things that I should spend another $15 dollars and buy the clips so I can actually use them after Halloween. So I did. I got all the stuff and I sat down and sewed my extension pieces to clips. OUCH! now I really have to wear the dumb things because I just sacrificed my finger tips for them. I'm not sure it was worth it.

What do you love?

wow, two posts in one day...but I'm thinking right now and I'm not sure that will continue over until tomorrow. Last week our corporate offices sent out some rubber wrist bands...you know the ones that come in different colors and have slogans on them. Anyway...Not sure how many people know this but Gap was founded by Don and Dorris Fisher in 1969 (which is why all of our jeans say 1969 on the tag- that is not a distinguishing feature as many people like to think). Well, he was noted for saying "do what you love" and that is the phrase that was printed on this bracelet. We had a visit today from our regional director so I put the bracelet on-even though I HATE things on my wrists- and I wore it all day. On my way home it was bugging me and at a stoplight I stopped to read it again. "do what you love" and I started thinking...what do I love to do??

I love to sing. I love musical theater. I love genealogy. I love to read. I love to dance. I love to have long talks with good friends. I love to meet new people. I love to people watch. I love to solve problems. I love to learn. I love the temple. I love the gospel. I love pictures. I love to scrapbook. I love stained glass. I love history. I love philosophy and psychology. I love Disneyland. I love airplanes. I love to take ugly pictures. I love to laugh. I love to dress up. I love to just be silly. I love to make people smile. I love to write. I love to help people. I love so many things- and I don't make time for hardly any of them anymore. Life is too short not to enjoy. You are right Don, I need to make more time to do what I LOVE!!

Secretly Open

Sometimes I forget that people will actually read my blog. I think sometimes I say too much. But that's who I am. I love to talk and I love to share things about myself with people who I feel like actually care. I mean if someone takes the time to ask and I feel like the genuinely want to know the answer-I will always answer openly-even if its a little embarrassing. The problem is, most people don't ask. Or they are happy with a shallow answer. To those people I probably seem closed off and private. But I'm secretly and open book. Can a person "secretly" be "open" ?? not sure...I am open to those who really want to know. And I guess I figure if someone is going to take the time to open my blog and read it then they probably care enough to be privy to my 'private' thoughts. right? right!

why write a blog about this? I don't really have a great reason. I was just thinking how I probably haven't written in my journal in over a year and even then it was probably only once...but my blog, something everyone has access to, I write in all the time. Just seemed strange to me. But I suppose I am strange. And I'm okay with that!

Red Sea Experience

Lately I've been thinking about a class I attended at education week at BYU this last august. It was a class taught by Kevin Hinckley about educating your desires. At one point in his lecture he started talking about how we sometimes box the Lord in and don't allow him to answer our prayers as he would like...That our mind is so limited that we don't always pray for the things we should. He gave the example of moses and the Red Sea. He painted this visual for us:


Moses and the children of Israel get to the Red Sea. They can't keep going through the sea, they have the Egyptians coming up from behind so they say, 'okay, lets go to the left. Moses pray about going to the left"...he does and gets a stupor of thought. "okay so we must need to go right" He prays and gets another stupor of thought. Now what?? "we can't just sit here. But neither way was right. I guess maybe we just stay and let the Egyptians get us"....


His point was that we do this all the time. We have option A and Option B- but what happens when neither of those are right? what do we do then? He talked about letting the Lord give us our red sea experience. let the Lord decide your course. Perhaps he has plan C waiting and just needs us to be open to the idea. He is waiting for us to say, "thy will be done" "I'll go where you want me to go" and once we do...doors will open that we didn't even know existed.


I feel like I've been standing on the shore of my Red Sea...I can't go backward so I've been praying about whether I should go right or left, not getting a clear answer. But maybe that is my answer...maybe I just need to relinquish control and look for my Red Sea experience. I don't know when it will come, or how exactly those deep waters will part but I know they will. The Lord has his plan C in mind for me...

Nostalgic

Have you ever felt so close to someone you've never even met? It probably sounds crazy but it happens to me quite frequently. I have been reading my grandma's personal history- which I should have read years ago. She passed away in 2003 but I was too busy being into myself to take the time to think about connecting to my family. I got about 2 pages into it and started crying...which is NOT something new and different for me. What is interesting is the part I started crying about. My grandma was talking about her parents, about her mother specifically and from her description and from pictures I've seen, I just know we would have been kindred spirits. I can look at her face and tell you where I got so many of my personality traits. Which sounds crazy since she died in 1942. But I think personalities are genetic. My brothers have very similar personalities/mannerisms and they didn't really ever live together. Or maybe its not genetics at all. Maybe she and I were just really great friends in the pre-existance and spent lots of time together. I see so much of myself in this woman who I've never met. As I read about her, brief as the description was, I felt a deep loss. I am grateful to her for her for who she was...for pressing forward through hard times. I wish I could talk to her right now...I know I have to wait, but I can tell you that at the very least, the first 1000 yrs of my eternity will be spent in deep discussion with the incredible people who have made my life possible.

Highway Hellos

almost every Sunday I go to visit my friend at her ward in Salt Lake City. I go to mine first and then swing up north for a few hours. I do this because I love her and because there is an unfair distribution of good looking successful men in Utah- they are all in her ward. Not fair. Anyway, today my friend Erin wanted to come along- apparently she didn't believe me when I told her there were tons of good looking men in SLC. As if I would make it up. Well Erin and I were driving along I-15 just having ourselves a good chat when a white truck pulls up to the right of us. I glance over...and then I look again. The man in the truck is holding an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper to his window and the paper says, "Hi Erin" she waves and he falls back behind us. I laughed and said, "wow, Erin who was that?" to which she replied, "I don't know. I don't recognize him" she really didn't know the man at all. Um, really? what are the chances of that? Did he just choose a name at random? happened to have that paper in his car and uses it to be a creeper on the freeway? Or maybe she just looks like an Erin? who knows...either way it was kind of creepy. And by 'kind of' I mean really creepy. But I am so glad I got to see it first hand...or I might not have believed it.

Time to grow up

Do clothes make the man? no. They don't but sometimes they help the man feel good in his own skin. Okay really I'm not talking about a man. I'm talking about me. I'm not huge into retail therapy, I actually hate to shop. But for the last few weeks I've been hating my clothes. I put them on and I just feel like garbage. So a few days ago I went and I bought what I like to call "grown up" shirts. Basically they aren't T-shirts. Its funny but I put one on and I just felt empowered. I felt my age and I felt like I could move forward and get what I want out of life....it sounds a little crazy. My theory is this: All the clothes in my closet are old, they represent things from my past. Some of the shirts I don't EVER wear but I have kept them because they had some sentimental value. Well I got rid of those shirts, and I replaced them. Maybe its more symbolic for me- I needed to get rid of the past and get my appearance in line with my new life goals. I couldn't move forward because I was trying to hard to hang on to the past. It sounds ridiculous but when you are wearing clothes that make you feel like a teenager its really hard to grow up and make adult decisions. I am pretty much the baby in my family and inadvertently am treated as such a lot of the time. But in order to push my way out of that-I need to see myself as and adult. One way for me to do that is wear clothes that look like an adult. I'm not going to lie- adult clothes are more expensive. That's the worst part. But I am very much an adult, I have some life experience now and I'm getting more every day. I look much younger than I am. I feel like if I want people to take me seriously I need to make a change. I feel like I have a pretty good head on my shoulders. I know what I want. I can discern people and situations well. I catch on to things quickly. I listen, observe, and understand people. I can anticipate consequences very far into the future. I think I have a lot to offer- I just have to get people to look past my young face and give me a chance- therefore I must spend money on grown up clothes. It won't fix things entirely, but its a start....

No hassle!....yeah right!

Here is a fact about me: I'm a pretty chill person. I don't anger easily, I don't hold grudges, and I don't really engage in confrontation. There are certain things that can trigger these responses in me- like when some jerk decides to almost run me over in his over sized pick up, or when I feel like someone has taken advantage of my chill-ness. Even then I will still try to remove my emotion and explain my position as calmly as possible. Which is what happened yesterday.

Let me explain the situation. A few weeks ago I bought a dress from a semi high end retailer (will remain nameless). I bought the dress online but when I got it I decided I didn't actually love it as much as I thought I would. This retailer happens to be located in the same mall where I work so I checked the return policy to make sure I could return it to the store and took it to work with me. After work I went to return it and the manager told me that I couldn't do any returns from online that were over $100. At which point I think to myself "well isn't everything in this store over $100?" whatever it didn't say that in the return policy but I work retail so I didn't make a big deal about it. I said that was fine and I'd just mail it back. The manager insisted I leave the dress and let them mail it back for me so I wouldn't have to deal with the hassle. I was kind of bugged about that but I gave in. Half way home my brain kicked in (where was it when I needed it) and I realized that without shipping, which I'm sure they were not going to refund, the dress was NOT over $100. Also she didn't give me anything to say she took my dress. I still decided I wouldn't freak out. I gave them 10 business days to credit my card and then decided to contact customer service.

Yesterday I sent them an email inquiring about the return policy and if they had received my dress. I explained the whole situation very calmly and with as much detail as I could so they would know I wasn't just making it up. They contacted me this afternoon. Which was great since it is Saturday and I wasn't expecting anything until at least Monday. The representative informed me they have NOT received my dress but was initiating my refund anyway. She also filed a complaint for me and informed me that the store should have returned my dress on the spot. It did not have to be mailed back at all. She is also forwarding my message to the vice president of sales, and to the district and regional managers of the store.

Awesome I get my money back especially since I no longer have possession of the dress. I'm thrilled with the quick service on their end but part of me feels guilty that the store manager might get in a little trouble. As a manager myself, I know this needs to be addressed but part of me still wishes she'd just done her job to begin with...or that I had been thinking and insisted on doing it myself. What's done is done right?! I guess that's the down side to having a blue/red personality. You get what you want but you feel bad about it after. Its really horrible actually. Good thing my red doesn't come out TOO often- its draining!

And my super power is....

So last night I went dancing. Something I haven't done in too long. Anyway, I went with some of the most fun people on this planet. While I was there, I developed the following theory:

You know how dogs can hear sounds at frequencies that humans can't? Well, I think there are messages plastered to my face that only men can read/see. Clarification: I am not saying men ARE dogs...just that men are LIKE dogs ;) What do those messages say? well from my experience last night I can only conclude that those messages go something like this:

"Excuse me, who said YOU could talk to me?"
"Please back away, you are in my personal bubble"
"shouldn't you be crying in a corner somewhere?"
etc. All to the effect of "don't waste your time, I will NEVER even look at you"..."unless you are a douche and then by all means please try, try, and try again, eventually I will relent and come to regret my choice later"

(These phrases are just conjecture of course) how did I come to this conclusion you ask? well let me illustrate for you!

Exhibit A:
Me and two other friends are standing on the side of the dance floor. I am watching another friend and her "sort-of boyfriend" dance. And by "watching" I mean, in deep concentration trying to count the dumb steps out in my head...when I become vaguely aware that there is a man standing in front of me. In my peripheral vision I see a hand start to be extended toward me (traditional "do you want to dance" procedure) but before I can become fully cognizant of what is transpiring, before I have even had the chance to lift my gaze high enough to see his face, the hand is retracted and the guy moves about a foot to my right and watches people dance. I looked to my friends who were standing with mouths agape. "um, did that really just happen?" Yes. Yes it did. That was a first in my life! To be asked to dance and have the offer rescinded before I can even see what the guy looks like. ouch.

Exhibit B:

My two friends and I are still standing off to the side and every couple of minutes a guy walks by. But he doesn't just walk by. He slows ever so slightly and looks at each one of us. Mostly from the super corner of his eye (don't know what a super corner is click here) but every now and again there was a really brazen one that would just check us each out as he passed. But the point is, they would keep walking. After about 30 minutes of this we all decided we were done being ogled and decided to vacate the meat market. I wanted to scream, "I'm not here to hook a man so please stop looking at me like you have the option to package me up and take me home if you so choose"...so irritating.

anyway, my friends and I looked pretty cute so I can only assume these men were reading the invisible messages on my face (as listed above)...If I only knew what those messages really said I could control them and use them to my greater advantage. but perhaps its better I don't know... It actually sounds like a pretty lethal super power- the ability to manipulate invisible messages on my face that have the power to control the actions of men. Yes!

Like Bees to honey

This post has nothing to do with bees or honey. Its about socially awkward people who are always drawn to me. I have no idea why. Let me explain. Last night I went to my zumba class like I do several times a week. Last night the class was pretty empty (most people showed up late) There was about 5 of us in a fairly large room and this woman walks in and comes and stands directly behind me. I'm talking like 2 feet or less...she might as well have just climbed on my back! she was THAT close to me. No worries though, I've done a lot of formation dancing so I simply moved once the song started....and she is so awkward she didn't notice because she was staring at the teacher. however, once the song ended she was right next to me again. Just to test it out, I shifted further over....and she shifted with me. I moved back thinking "maybe I took her spot and she wants to be in the front" Nope...she moved back when I did. So basically I only got a half work out last night because I was so worried about getting hit by the flailing uncontrolled coordination-less arms 2" from my head. My only conclusion I can draw is that she wanted to be near the front so she could see, but she didn't want to BE seen- so she hid behind me. Seriously though....you cannot stand that close to a person in a zumba class...you have to stagger for safety reasons....and also because its weird. If she is there again tonight I am moving to the opposite side of the room. I don't really like bees anyway.

Teaching the Teacher

So yesterday was my Sunday to teach gospel doctrine. When I prepared I thought it was going to be a really hard lesson, really disjointed and without reading the entire book of Hebrews, totally unconnected. It didn't really flow...so instead of trying to connect it myself I broke it down in a few sections and had my class teach the really long parts. I wasn't really sure how that would go over, and I'm usually not a huge fan of group work but nothing else was coming to me which was probably the spirit saying, "I know you hate this but today Lori we are going to do things MY way and you will just have to like it". Cause lets be honest, sometimes I need to be put in my place. Anyway-there is a point to all this. We were reading Hebrews 11. That chapter is all about people who acted in faith. Not a new concept for Sunday school but what happened was I had an epiphany about my own life. Right in the middle of class.

Hebrews 11:8

"By faith Abraham, when he was called to go out into a place which he should after receive for an inheritance, obeyed; and he went out, not knowing whither he went."

It hit me that I have been promised things too...but, unlike Abraham, I have been so afraid of making a wrong choice, that I haven't been making any choices at ALL. I am stagnant. I am simply existing, not really stepping out and taking chances. I know what I'm capable of...but since I don't have a map laid out in front of me I've been resisting taking any steps at all. what the heck is that?! That's not me!! Well maybe it was me in high school but that hasn't been me for almost a decade and I refuse to regress. So what am I saying? I'm saying if I want to be where I know I can and should be I need to start moving. Where? well I don't really know. My only plan right now is to move forward...if a door is open I'm going to walk through. And if its not a door- maybe I'll just have to climb through a few windows right?!?! yikes...I'm having a panic attack right now. But faith is relinquishing control sometimes and I do need to practice that a little...or a lot. so wish me luck.

Put it away

I need to share with you a pet peeve of mine...its funny but when people ask what bugs me, a lot of the time I can't think of anything, and then it happens and it is brought home ever so quickly!! So what is bugging me- when my date can't leave his cell phone alone. Call me old fashioned or selfish but when someone is out with me- I want them to be with ME 100% of the night. And not just physically- I want them there mentally as well. If its an emergency or something whatever, stuff happens. But to be texting, or tweeting, or updating your facebook status is just irritating. I almost NEVER take my phone out on a date. (probably because it bugs me so much) Its rude, but also it disrupts the flow of conversation. when they have their phones out I start wondering who is so important that you need to be texting on a date? or am I really that boring that you need to be entertained by some outside source? What is up with that?! Just bugs me. Normally I don't NEED to be the center of attention...but if I have taken time out of my busy life to go out with you, I expect you to give me your full and undivided attention. Call me crazy but I think I'm worth a few uninterrupted hours...

Sharing is caring?? really?

Why do I always have to share? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm okay sharing somethings with others, my time, my voice, my money (sometimes), food, secrets, stories...life. I share ALL the time!! but there are just some things in life I don't feel I really should be required to share. One of those things: My boyfriends. (don't get excited I don't have one right now) I was just reflecting on my past relationships and I realize I have shared EVERY last one of them with another girl- and I'm not talking about their mom. I'm talking about the ex girlfriend, the best friend, and in more than one occasion another girlfriend whom I had no knowledge about (which did require me to put and end to those relationships altogether)....


but seriously?! is there a neon sign over my head that says, "I'm a nice girl- please date me and you can have your cake and eat it too" does this happen to lots of people? Why do I always attract guys who don't feel like they need to commit emotionally, mentally, or physically??


The crazy thing is, when confronted, none of them ever felt like they were in the wrong. which-whatever- I'm not going to get into that...my question is why? The only common thing in all those relationships is me...so I think I really might have something over my head that attracts men with commitment issues...LAME!!

Use your words...

I manage people for a living. So whenever I go to other establishments I notice the employees, mostly asking myself if I would have hired this person. well, last night I went to a frozen yogurt place with some friends. This particular one closed at 11pm and since I work retail I never stay somewhere after they close. I always leave right at closing. So at 10:58 the girl working walks over to the front door and locks it. And let me just tell you -it wasn't the type of lock that only locks from the outside but you can still push open and exit. Also let me tell you that my friends and I were not the only people in this place...half the PG cheerleading team was there as well. At her not so subtle hint my friends and I decided to leave. I walked over to the door- knowing full well that I would have to unlock it to get out but I wanted to see what this employee was going to do. I start to push on the door and she runs over and says, "oh sorry" all innocent like she was unaware that there had been 12 people in her store when she locked the door and we wouldn't be able to exit....I mean come on, she can't be THAT stupid. She's not stupid-she's passive aggressive. Here is my problem with her actions, if you want people to leave just come right out and say it...."Hey guys thanks so much for coming in tonight but I have to lock up now", or "we are closing in about five minutes", or "can I help you with anything else before we close"....LOTS of ways to get your point accross without locking your patrons in the building. Just some advice, making people feel awkward has never been agreat customer service technique....save the not so subtle hints and use your words!

When is it good enough?

Fact about me: My brain works better under pressure.

OK maybe it doesn't but it feels like it...mostly because under pressure I don't have time to be a perfectionist. Example: I did A LOT of writing in college! And every semester I had really great intentions of starting my papers early, and I tried a few times....basically what ended up happening was I wasted time. Because I would write it, then I'd read it critically then I'd write it again- I'd waste 3 days and then the night before when I was completely out of time to do anything else I would sit down and type for hours straight. Spell check. proof read and print. Done. That's how English was in high school too....free flow writing. I start writing and as long as I'm not interrupted my brain spits out a pretty organized logical product that is usually good enough to get me an A. So you could argue that I have classically conditioned my brain to perform this way- I still do it. I'm not in school but I do it with talks in church and my Sunday school lessons every other week. I read it before hand but I can't for the life of me, as hard as I try, get it on paper if I have more than 24 hours to go....so basically deadlines encourage good things to come out of my head....

well, I am starting a new blog, one a little more focused than just my own ramblings and I am petrified of not doing it perfect. which is totally irrational. But I can't help it. I keep writing drafts and drafts but the problem is- there is no deadline. No one even knows the address yet- so I keep picking it apart! I'm way to demanding when it comes to my writing. I love writing and I have really high standards for myself when I write for real....so who knows how long it will be until I actually publish anything on my blog...ahhh...why can't good enough just be good enough sometimes?!

Giving up my pearls....

I have a decision to make. One I am absolutely not excited to make. And for most of you who read this it will sound like nothing, but to me, I feel like my heart is literally being ripped out of my chest.
(If you have not heard the story of Jenny and her pearls please read it HERE now so that my future references make sense-its not very long)

For the past 21 yrs of my life my major goal has been to be cast as Eponine in Les Miserables. For 19 1/2 of those 21 yrs I was too terrified to sing in front of anyone and one day I realized, you do not get cast in lead roles unless you have some experience. So, I faced my fears and started voice lessons, auditioning, and doing theater. Which I have loved. I love performing and dressing up and meeting lots of new people. This dream of mine has been lurking in my mind my whole life...its something I really really want. Its also something I know I could do if I put in the time and made the sacrifice...that's where this gets difficult. This is my plastic pearl necklace.

Last night I went out with 3 of my very best friends. I put my phone in the bottom of my purse and forgot about everyone in the world except them. we didn't do anything exciting, talked and went to dinner- but I haven't laughed that hard in months. I literally hurt from laughing. I got home and remembered that I used to do that ALL the time. I love to laugh. I love to be with amazing people who bring out the best in me- people who inspire me to laugh. People who accept me with all my strength and especially my weakness! I realize I miss this more than I can express. When did something so important to me get pushed so far to the back of my life?

When did I sacrifice my meaningful relationships for shallow competitive backbiting ones. Relationships where people want you to do well as long as its not better than them. When did I trade feeling comfortable in my own skin for feeling self conscious and uncomfortable?

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying everyone in theater is shallow and self centered...I have met some very fantastic people on my way! I have met people who have changed my life and become some of my very best friends!! People I will love forever. But the vast majority of people I meet are not people I want to get close to...they are not people who would be a shoulder to cry on or someone to laugh with or talk to about the gospel and life until 2am...and for me, those are the things that make life full and meaningful.

I realized that I have spent so much time trying to make my way in theater and build my resume that I have been neglecting people I love and things that are of eternal significance. I hate that and this realization has caused me to think that maybe its time I removed myself from the distraction. Maybe theater- as much as I love it, is not my path. Maybe its time to give up my necklace...

It breaks my heart because I feel like I'm giving up on a dream...something I've wanted and something I know I could eventually have if I continue to work hard. I know I could accomplish my goal....but at what cost?? when I really step back and look rationally- I'm letting my life goals rob my eternal goals. I love theater, I love singing...but I know there will be other ways to share my voice with those around me...I think, as of right now my Disney audition in 2 weeks will be my last audition. I am walking away, I'm not sure if its forever, but right now I need to get the rest of my life in order and remember the things that are of eternal importance- my relationships, with my friends, my family, and most important my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.

If I only had a brain...

I'm at work today- drawing floor maps for our inventory that is next week- and I see a woman just in front of me on her phone. I don't know why but something she said caught my attention....please keep in mind that its about 2:45pm at this particular moment.....

this is her conversation:

"what time is conference?"

"2-4? well we'd have to leave right now and we're still at the mall!"

"oh yeah we could go to the 4 o'clock session"

"totally, we'll grab something to eat and meet up with you for the 4 o'clock session"

gets off the phone walks over to her mom and says, "yeah mom, we are going to meet up with her for the 4pm session"

Really? are people that stupid? you have already missed 45 min of the session so even if you left NOW you wouldn't make it. (benefit of the doubt: maybe she is from California and her watch wasn't set to current time so she thought it was 1:45-although her cell should have reset when she crossed time zones) Also, and most importantly, there is no 4pm session, unless you live on the east coast...but being as you are standing right in front of me, it is safe to say you are currently in Utah and STILL missing that session. There is a 6pm session but since you are not male you aren't invited to that one...so either way, looks like you are not going to get much out of conference today. my suggestion...you should activate your brain or talk more quietly on the phone so others, such as myself, don't overhear your conversations and judge you. And I am...because even though I grew up in California and my instinct tells me conference is at 9 and 1...my brain kicks in fairly quickly and I remember what time zone I'm in...

sorry lady, but it looks like you are missing more than just conference...

Education is NOT the enemy

Here is my stance on education. I think everyone should get as much of an education as they can. When you are done with your formal education I believe you should continue to read and educate yourself for the rest of your life, in all areas. I love to learn, and anyone who knows me or has followed my blog from the beginning knows that...I have a BA in political science, a minor in ballroom dance, a cosmetology license, and I want to get a law degree and an MBA...now here is my point.

My wanting to further educate myself does not mean I am a "man hating liberal feminist". In fact I don't even see a connection with my level of education and my feelings toward the opposite gender. Oh wait, that's because there isn't one. I happen to think a lot of men are fabulous! However, that does not mean I am going to sit around and let my brain rot while I wait for one to sweep me off my feet. I am perfectly capable of thinking and acting for myself...I don't NEED someone else to take care of me. Does that mean I never WANT someone to...no, it doesn't. But until I find that person who is perfectly imperfect I will keep learning and moving forward.

A woman after my own heart once said, "I will never LOVE a man because I NEED him, but I will NEED a man because I LOVE him" and if I choose not to need or love you...its not because of my education or because I'm too independent...perhaps the problem is with you. Perhaps YOU are just not as great of a catch as you imagine yourself to be.

Mom loves me...what about you?

Recently a good friend of mine left on his mission (Australia, Mandarin speaking). But before he left he told me that when he gets home I am just the type of girl he is going to be looking to date. Totally sweet right? He's great- plus he sings like and angel. Anyway- I realized that conversation solidified my belief that 19yr old pre-missionaries, Parents, and bishops love me. The problem is- I just can't seem to convince their brothers, sons, friends, etc to love me as well. I guess there are worse things than having someones parents think you are a catch...I mean, it is rather flattering to have a guys mom think you are great and think her son is retarded for not seeing it...haha. Guess that's the way things roll sometimes.

More than a pretty face?

if you have spent anytime in Utah you know that it is full of really beautiful women. But I am going to go out on a limb here and say that a lot of those women pay good money for it-or I should say, their husbands pay good money for it. If you haven't been in Utah let me explain. Here in the land of Utah we have LOTS of bleached blonds, fake tans, bleached teeth, fake boobs, hair extensions, eyelash extension, and fake nails...these women spend their lives in the gym and I just have to ask myself ...is it worth it?? I mean I just wonder what their self-esteem must be like if they feel they need to go to such lengths to be beautiful. It becomes and addiction and for some, it stops being beautiful because its gone too far. By "too far" I mean, orange skin, spider looking eyelashes...come on...if it doesn't look real it counteracts the whole point of doing it in the first place right? The whole point is to pretend to the world that you were born like that-
It really just makes me sad that anyone feels they need to throw away their money on something so shallow. I'm not talking about you ladies who get your nails done once a week because it makes you feel sane- your time away to yourself. I'm talking about the women who are compelled to compete with every other woman around them because they feel like they have nothing else to offer the world...the women who feel like they need to be just like everyone else in how they look and what they wear, in what they think and even the way they talk...
the women who feel they have to look a certain way to catch a man...well, in my opinion, as off target as it may be, if you have to look that way to catch a man- he isn't worth catching. have some faith in who you are and what you can offer beyond being a trophy on someones arm. I think the women of Utah have far more to offer than just a pretty face...so maybe its time to start acting like it.

Youth Conference?? me??

I have really been horrible at this blog thing, not as horrible at keeping a journal, but still, not great. Also that is way too many commas for one sentence. Anyway, that is not the topic of this blog. Back in June I was invited to be a counsellor for the neighboring stake's youth conference. That meant I needed to take 3 full days off work and spend it babysitting teenagers. I was not thrilled about this idea- being as I didn't even like teenagers when I was one. Well against my better judgement I felt like that's where I needed to be. I was assigned a group of 10 girls all about 16 yrs old. I also had a co-counsellor with about 10 guys the same ages. Well right off the bat one of my girls came in with more attitude than I was ready for. She really didn't want to be there and she made no pretense about hiding the fact. I was not prepared for this- I guess I should have been but I had worked the 4 days leading up to the conference so I was already really tired. I was totally relying on the spirit to get me through it...and I was nervous about this one.

well the day turned out just as I had anticipated, my girls kept disappearing and this one girl was like a poison, her attitude rubbed off on all the girls as the day wore on. I had to continually leave the activities to find my missing girls...it was exhausting and I had to keep reminding myself it was all going to be worth it in the end. I had to stop telling myself that I should have used my PTO for a weekend in Disneyland. right?! Anyway, that night we were all driven to the amphitheater by the temple where they did a concert for the youth and on the way there I was in a car with my poison child. I don't think she knew I was in the back of the van because she was talking to a mom from the stake about how stupid the whole thing was and how she was NOT coming back the next day and the best part was, the mom was agreeing with her and encouraging her attitude. There were a few other girls in the car that agreed with her and weren't planning on coming back for the next two days..I'm not going to lie I wanted to just sit back and cry. I felt like I was wasting my time. I sat at that concert with the realization that the next morning, I may only have five out of my ten girls come back. I seriously felt like a failure.

I knew I only had one choice. I poured out my heart in prayer for the entire hour and a half. I didn't really hear the concert. We had a 45 minute devotional coming up after the concert on the fields by the Temple. I needed to say the right things....I knew this was possibly my last chance to make a difference in these girls lives and to maybe talk them into coming back. But I felt very strongly that they NEEDED to come back. Well we started our devotional, I'm not even sure what I said but I bore my testimony to these 20 teenagers about the Gospel and the blessings of the temple. And when it was over at 11:30pm I went home and died in my bed. I can't even remember when I had ever been that tired after only one day.

The next morning at 7am I returned to do it all over again, not knowing how many of my kids would come back. To my surprise by mid morning I had 8 of the 10 girls back. My poison girl didn't return and she had taken one with her, but I felt a miracle had occurred that I didn't lose any more. Those 8 stayed the whole weekend and I developed a love for my kids...I still don't love teenagers- mostly the attitude- but I felt of the strength of their spirits and what they can become and it did turn out to be a great experience. was my patience tested to its limits? yes. Did I have an emotional breakdown at the end of the 3 days from lack of sleep? yes. Was it something I would do again if I was asked? Most definitely YES.

At the end of the 3 days I found a small note in my bag. It was written by a very quite girl in my group-one I actually thought hated me- She thanked me for coming and told me how she really felt we connected and that she could relate to me so well....surprise!! didn't see that one coming, but I guess we never do..I guess that's where faith comes in....you don't always get to see the difference you make but that doesn't mean it isn't happening.

Why now??

I'm exhausted. And I will tell you why. I have not slept well in two nights. Why? well because I have been having nightmares about my sunday school lesson on Sunday. Can I just tell you how ridiculous this is?? I have been teaching Gospel Doctrine for a little over a year now, through the Isaiah chapters of the Old Testament even- this is the first time I've had dreams about it. You'd think after a year all dreams about not preparing or forgetting my manual would have happened already. Why Now? I'm not really sure what triggered it but I'm not losing one more night of sleep over this. I can take a hint, I sat down and started my lesson this morning instead of waiting until tomorrow night...now that I've read it I see where the anxiety came from...it is a crazy lesson, all of 2 Corinthians and it jumps from chapter to chapter...ahhh. This is going to take hours...but hopefully I will at least get some sleep tonight.

The Gift of Winging it...

Recently my church chior has had a slight overhaul. And by slight I really mean huge. The regulars have mostly moved out and its still in transition of gaining more members. Two weeks ago there were six men and 3 girls. My friend Anna and I took turns singing the melody...because did I mention all 3 of the girls sing alto. Amazing. Anyway, this last sunday we were scheduled to perform and we actually had quite a few people show up for practice. At practice we had probably 10-12 men, 6 sopranos, and 2 altos....plus the pianist who decided to sing with us. NO big deal, I am a belter, I can project. Especially in the alto range where its comfortable and more fun to sing. Well all of a sudden its time to perform. I walk up to the front, get in my place and realize, i'm standing alone in my alto section. where the other girl from practice went I have no idea. I just chuckled to myself, because that's totally my luck. So now we are down and alto and gained another soprano. I calculate this in my head and panic slightly- I had never practiced this way...just how loud does a person have to sing to harmonize with 7 sopranos??? Good questions right...and then what is too loud, because you don't want to not blend??? Good thing i'm blessed with the gift of "winging it" the pianist, in her mercy, sang with me and no one in the audience could tell so all in all it was a success. Although can we please not do that again unless i'm prepared before hand??? yikes.

Stop with the dating sites already

How many dating websites do we need in this world?? seriously. I get a new add on facebook like every other day... "plenty of fish" "singles who love Jesus" I mean really....this is getting out of hand....

What does balanced mean???

one blog post in July? none in August? wow, I'm really slipping. Mostly I'd say its a lack of balance in my life. There are so many things I want to do, and so many things I have to do and no time to sit and get it all straight. Each week bleeds over into the next and before you know it, all the things I have to do take over my life, make me tired, and then all of a sudden those other important things just fall through the cracks. I hate that.
I've been thinking lately about who I want to be and the habits I want to have. I want people to be important in my life. And theoretically they are. But my actions don't reflect that. I have a friend on a mission I never write. I have friends in Idaho that I love but never call back. I have friends in salt lake that I never call and a standing rain check to go dancing with a friend I haven't really spent time with in almost 2 years. I am a crappy friend. I think this is why all my life I've never had more than one or two really good friends at a time....I'm not good at balancing things and they probably just get fed up with me and find someone better. I don't blame them. But its not because I don't love these people...because I do. I think about them and so many others on a daily basis...I just can't straighten my life out long enough to actually make good on my thoughts. It frustrates me to no end.
I would wish for more time in my days, but it wouldn't do any good. I know I would some how manage to fill up those extra hours with good things...but am I filling my hours with the best things??
also, I think I have something called chronic fatigue syndrome...I get tired ALL the time. and not just a little tired...but exhausted beyond anything I have felt before I had mono. The problem is...I just need to learn to deal with it. Its not going to go away. which is another reason to find balance...if I do to much physically, mentally, or emotionally I am a walking zombie...so one way or the other I'm going to have to find my limits and stick to them so that I can be a better friend and get all that stuff done that I need to do and maybe even some of the stuff that would be nice to do....its a goal anyway.

I just don't understand...

I am in LOVE with zumba. I go a couple times a week and for the most part I see the same people and we do a lot of the same routines. So basically you learn them pretty fast and can get a pretty good work out if you want to. And I say 'if you want to' because its the kind of class that you will only get out of it what you put in.

Well one morning two couples came to this zumba class. In truth, the two women come all the time. I see them a couple times a week but this particular day they brought their love interests. well, I am assuming that's what they were and I'll tell you how I came to that conclusion. This one woman in particular- we will call her sue, suddenly couldn't remember any of the routines. Sue was acting like it was her first time ever to class. I'm pretty sure she didn't even break a sweat. she couldn't have, she was hardly moving. I am always in the front row because I don't like people in my way and I pretty much just watched them in the mirror -because quite frankly it was hilarious. Sue's man friend ended up watching my feet the whole time so he could figure out what he was supposed to be doing.

In my opinion, if sue wanted to make a good impression, she should have done it full out if for no other reason than to help him through the class. totally stupid. I mean seriously, just be yourself. you are in an aerobics class for heaven sakes, everyone is sweaty- don't worry about how you look. why pretend to be something you are not-everyone gets sweaty when they work out.....its a fact, no one is exempt. If you want to look pretty take him to a movie- not a zumba class.