Giving up my pearls....

I have a decision to make. One I am absolutely not excited to make. And for most of you who read this it will sound like nothing, but to me, I feel like my heart is literally being ripped out of my chest.
(If you have not heard the story of Jenny and her pearls please read it HERE now so that my future references make sense-its not very long)

For the past 21 yrs of my life my major goal has been to be cast as Eponine in Les Miserables. For 19 1/2 of those 21 yrs I was too terrified to sing in front of anyone and one day I realized, you do not get cast in lead roles unless you have some experience. So, I faced my fears and started voice lessons, auditioning, and doing theater. Which I have loved. I love performing and dressing up and meeting lots of new people. This dream of mine has been lurking in my mind my whole life...its something I really really want. Its also something I know I could do if I put in the time and made the sacrifice...that's where this gets difficult. This is my plastic pearl necklace.

Last night I went out with 3 of my very best friends. I put my phone in the bottom of my purse and forgot about everyone in the world except them. we didn't do anything exciting, talked and went to dinner- but I haven't laughed that hard in months. I literally hurt from laughing. I got home and remembered that I used to do that ALL the time. I love to laugh. I love to be with amazing people who bring out the best in me- people who inspire me to laugh. People who accept me with all my strength and especially my weakness! I realize I miss this more than I can express. When did something so important to me get pushed so far to the back of my life?

When did I sacrifice my meaningful relationships for shallow competitive backbiting ones. Relationships where people want you to do well as long as its not better than them. When did I trade feeling comfortable in my own skin for feeling self conscious and uncomfortable?

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying everyone in theater is shallow and self centered...I have met some very fantastic people on my way! I have met people who have changed my life and become some of my very best friends!! People I will love forever. But the vast majority of people I meet are not people I want to get close to...they are not people who would be a shoulder to cry on or someone to laugh with or talk to about the gospel and life until 2am...and for me, those are the things that make life full and meaningful.

I realized that I have spent so much time trying to make my way in theater and build my resume that I have been neglecting people I love and things that are of eternal significance. I hate that and this realization has caused me to think that maybe its time I removed myself from the distraction. Maybe theater- as much as I love it, is not my path. Maybe its time to give up my necklace...

It breaks my heart because I feel like I'm giving up on a dream...something I've wanted and something I know I could eventually have if I continue to work hard. I know I could accomplish my goal....but at what cost?? when I really step back and look rationally- I'm letting my life goals rob my eternal goals. I love theater, I love singing...but I know there will be other ways to share my voice with those around me...I think, as of right now my Disney audition in 2 weeks will be my last audition. I am walking away, I'm not sure if its forever, but right now I need to get the rest of my life in order and remember the things that are of eternal importance- my relationships, with my friends, my family, and most important my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.