Why Is There No Mute Button??

why are girls SO loud?  Sometimes I wish I had a tiny remote that would allow me to mute some people.  Or at least turn them down several notches.  I never really noticed just how loud women are until the last few months.  I have been working in the slower section of my store lately and this section of the store is catered to women. Which means when I do get people in my store they are usually traveling in groups.  For some reason they all feel like they need to talk over one another or that their friend has suddenly become hard of hearing and they need to shout even though the friend is only 2 feet away.  Doesn't matter if they are 15 or 50 the behavior is still the same.  Or the other thing that happens is that groups of women will walk past my store and I will hear VERY clearly the details of their conversation.  When I am standing at least 30 ft from the entrance I should not hear a conversation going on outside.  I have thought about this a lot lately.  And being as I am a woman I should just know the answer-no thinking needed.  But I am going to refrain from including myself here- I am not, by nature, a loud person.  I rarely need to be the center of attention and I generally prefer to listen to others than to be heard myself.  (Probably the product of being #5 of 6 kids.  It's just easier to accept your fate and move on)  Don't get me wrong- I like attention and I like people to listen to me- but only if they want to.  I don't like to fight for what I should naturally be given.  Anyway, in my musings about this I have drawn two conclusions as to why women are so loud.
1.  They are super self centered and feel that everyone should pay attention to them 100% of the time.  That what they have to say is more important than anything anyone else might have to say.
2.  They have a total lack of self confidence.  They need attention to make themselves feel important.  They are afraid if they aren't the focus of the conversation they will be over looked and then they feel insecure. 
Which one is it? Both.  Just depends on the girl.  I think both are sad though.  And both create a behavior that I find incredibly annoying.  Take it down a few notches- the whole world doesn't need to know your life.

In Over My Head

I think I might be in over my head. I have a 3o minute voice lesson once a week and a master class once a month. (3 lessons and masterclass) Well, I have decided to compete in NATS (National Association of Teachers of Singing- or something like that) its a voice competition. Last year I competed in the Adult Belter division and this year I am doing it again. But I have decided I want to compete Legit as well (legit is somewhere between classical and belt). The thing is....I don't sing legit. I have done one legit song in my life. NATS is the first weekend in march so that means I have exactly 4 lessons to learn 4 songs. Two of which are TOTALLY out of my comfort zone. Great. Here is what I'm singing: (click on the titles to hear the songs)

Legit:
Vanilla Ice Cream from She loves me
Love don't turn away from 110 in the shade or Your Daddy's Son from Ragtime (I have yet to decide on one- feel free to leave your vote)

Belt:
Here I am from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
Woman from the Pirate Queen (I was going to do a solo version of You are My Home from the Scarlett pimpernel but I now realize I don't have time to learn and perfect it so I'm picking something I already know)

I know exactly 1 of these songs well, another 2 semi well and the others not really at all. like I said 4 weeks to perfect 4 songs....in WAY over my head.

If You Couldn't Fail

I have been thinking about this question. It's actually a really hard question to answer. What would you do? The only way I could answer it was to ask myself, "What things have I not done because I'm afraid of failing?" Honestly, I always try to do the things that scare me-I don't want to end up with a life of regrets. But am I honestly giving it my all? Or am I doing just enough to say, "I tried." But not really extending myself far enough to make 'failure' possible. In what areas of my life am I afraid of failing? How am I protecting myself and preventing failure?
Some of these are going to sound so dumb but they are legit fears- some of them I didn't even know I had until I really started thinking about this question.
1. I would move to DC
2. I would audition on Broadway/voice of a Disney princess
3. I would go to Tennessee to research my Grandpa's family
4. Share the gospel with some very special people
5. Get married.
I told you, some of those sounds strange. Some of them even sound like, "why are you afraid of failing at that?" I can't really explain it. actually, yes I can. I am a bit of a perfectionist with myself. Other people I can forgive/overlook failure or mistakes. In myself it is nearly impossible. Especially if it is financial failure. Nothing scares me more than debt. well-almost nothing.
Many of you know my original plan was to go to law school and do constitutional law. Civil rights and all that. what better place to do that than Washington D.C. Well, then I remembered the movie Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. I would be Mr. Smith. Full of noble ideas up against the corrupt world of politics. If I knew I couldn't fail- I would move to DC and change everything that is wrong with our government.
number 2 is pretty easy to figure out. If I knew I couldn't fail I would love to do a show on Broadway- the next Sutton Foster. But I am still working on community theater. Broadway is a dream. A big bright scary one. And if not Broadway-I would love to be the singing voice for a Disney princess. Dream come true.
3 is another one of those.."why would you fail at that?" My grandpa's family pretty much does not exist before 1860. I know. I've done a lot of Internet searching. They were poor and the courthouse was burned-taking all the records with it. So what am I afraid of? Spending money to take and extended trip to Tennessee, spending hours on hours searching and still coming home with nothing but greater frustration. So if I don't look, I can't fail. But if I don't look I fail anyway right?
4-most the time I don't have a problem sharing my testimony and the gospel- except when I think it won't be received well. No big deal right? that's their loss. But who I am is so deeply rooted in my testimony of Jesus Christ that for someone to reject or belittle my belief is like a literal slap in the face. If I feel safe I will share anything with anyone- but if I feel like a person doesn't care or isn't interested I keep things to myself. Trivial things. So if I can't share trivial things for fear of rejection, think how much harder it is to share the foundation of your character with someone who couldn't care less.
and the last one. Yep. I said it. I am afraid of having a failed marriage. That is why I date losers. I know things won't work out. Then I can just have failed relationships and an excuse for not getting married. If you don't get married you can't get divorced. STOP. before you jump into a lecture, I know this thinking is messed up. This was my underlying belief for most of my life. I only recently realized that I even had this subconscious belief. But I realize it now. I know where it came from and I am working to replace it. (thus my dating and marriage 'goals') but unfortunately, walls that have been built and fortified for decades do not come down easily. But like they say, admitting it is the first step.
Now that I've shared WAY too much about my beliefs and thought processes I want you all to think..."what would YOU do if you knew you could not fail?" you don't have to blog about it, but you might learn some pretty interesting things about yourself in the process...

Today I Love...

Right now I am loving being in my cute and comfy PJs, sitting in my big fluffy warm bed. I also love that it rained yesterday instead of snowing. I love that I had the day off today. I love that I had voice lessons today. I love that I made one of my favorite desserts and that I plan on eating it for breakfast. (yes I have not given up all of my college habits- and I probably never will) I love that I got to go to zumba this morning with my second favorite teacher and dance my little heart out. I love that I got to talk to some of my very favorite people today (sadly not all of them). I love that I have a mother who helps me sort out my thoughts. I love that I own so many books and can read them anytime I want. I love that my hard cover (expensive) copy of Grimm fairy tales did NOT get thrown in the trash (since I put it in a box in the garage-don't ask why, I have no idea. I don't even remember doing it) I love that I made someone smile today- sure they may have been laughing at me because I was singing in my car by myself-but a smile is a smile. I love that my house is quiet and I can go to sleep and not get woken up until my alarm goes off for work tomorrow. I love that I get to blog whenever I need to. These are a few things I Love today. What do you love?

Just Go With It

What is the thing I dislike about my singing voice? too much vibrato. I was afraid to sing in front of ANYONE after the age of twelve so I pretty much sang in my room. what did I sing to? The original, which means 1980s, recordings of Miss Saigon and Les Miserables. Back then Vibrato was the way to sing. Everyone did it, and that's how I trained myself- trying to sound like those women. Well, now I'm singing and trying to eliminate a lifetime of bad habits. It's actually really hard. Most of the time I don't realize I'm doing it, until someone records it and lets me hear it. Why am I talking about this again...well because it occurred to me today that perhaps I shouldn't fight it quite so hard. Linda Eder has TONS of vibrato and people love her. Also, perhaps I should just sing country. Then I wouldn't have to change anything- it's supposed to sound that way. If Taylor Swift can sing, (which she really can't without all her pitch correction technology) then I for sure can do it! :) This will be my new experiment this month.

Note: This does not mean I am going to give up my show tunes- I don't think I could if I tried.

Don't Touch

I hate when people touch things they shouldn't. This week at work I had a co-worker say to me, "Lori, this mannequin is leaking powder".....I'm sorry, it's what?!!?! For all those who don't work in retail or don't do a lot of visual merchandising that is NOT NORMAL! So I go to check out this situation- when I pull off the arm to get a good look I realize the problem. The hand is broken. A customer decided that instead of asking the associate to remove the shirt, she would just do it herself. first problem- Mannequins have a weird weight distribution and if you are not used to it you will probably drop and or break the mannequin- guess what? they are SUPER expensive and also we can't order more. They are only sent every few years so if you break it I hate you because now my store looks ghetto. The second problem- she replaced the shirt with something ugly. (ugly outfits don't sell. Call me crazy but I don't like my untrained customers who can't even figure out how to coordinate colors to choose my featured items) Seriously Don't touch stuff that isn't yours. Just wait until the associate is available to help you. And if this doesn't deter your impatience you should know that sometimes there can be super painful consequences. I work with mannequins ALL the time. I dress and redress them several times a week and still tonight- while changing the windows- I pinched my finger between the shoulder and arm of a magnetic mannequin's arm. HUGE blood blister that hurts every time I touch anything (seriously its been like 5 hours and it is still throbbing). Too bad that didn't happen to my 'do it yourself' customer. Did I mention she didn't even buy the stupid shirt. She broke my mannequin for no reason at all. So please- if you have a considerate bone in your body- please don't help yourself to the displays at the mall. There are people who are trained to work with that stuff so just let them do their job. Okay? okay!

Small but Studly

On Sunday I was driving home from church and I noticed a small child walking down the sidewalk toward me. Let me paint you a picture-He was probably about 6 years old. Curly blondish hair, glasses, a sucker sticking sideways out of his mouth, and a slightly over sized suit. His shirt was untucked and sticking out of his jacket at the bottom. His hands were in his pockets and he definitely walked with a swagger. So in short...he was a STUD. He made me smile and secretly wish that my boys, should I have any, look just like that!!

One Step

I have concluded that I am a sap. Really. I'm sitting on my couch crying over a TV show. which TV show? Extreme Makeover-home edition. See, sappy. I don't watch TV often so it's been a few years probably since I've watched and episode but I LOVE it. I watch these people who build houses and the quote "A man who does what he loves will never work a day in his life" comes to mind. These people are doing what they love and not only doing what they love. They are using their skills and what they love to change lives. To lift people who are usually at the lowest points in their lives. That's what I want to do. Not build houses, I don't have those skills. But I don't see myself changing lives in an office building crunching numbers. I have decided not to get my MBA at this time...some of my friends think I'm crazy but I want to do what I love and I want to help people while I do it. How am I going to do that? well...I'm haven't completely figured that out yet.
Sometimes I come home and everyone is asleep. the lights are all out and I have to walk in the dark to my room. All the way hoping no one left anything on the floor in my path. Sometimes they do, I stub my toe and it hurts like crazy. But I adjust my path and eventually make it to my room and into the light. That's what this feels like to me. I'm just walking forward, one step at a time. hoping I don't stub my toes. But eventually I will figure out what to do with the rest of my life. Just one step at a time.

Not Going to Work?

So yesterday a man used a $100 bill to pay for his items at work. We gave him his change and he walked away. Not two minutes later I'm called over again because this guy has come back and he would like to trade his $20 bill for a new one. "This one has a tear on the corner and I'm not sure it will work"....really?? You are not sure it will work? The only place that bill won't work is in a vending machine and who puts a 20 in a vending machine?? so basically he is either

1. Completely stupid and doesn't realize that legal tender is legal tender ripped or not or

2. He has obsessive compulsive tendencies and doesn't like the idea of money in his wallet which is slightly worn.

Either way the guy is special.

The Deadline Approaches

I guess you don't realize how much stuff you really have until you have to move it. Blah. I've been moving, organizing, and cleaning since Thursday. (also I've still been working full time at my job) So pretty much from sun up to sun down I'm busy. Here is the lame part...I'm only about HALF way. I've moved everything out of my mom's room but now I have to tackle my own. Let me tell you how frightening that is....I've tucked things in every corner imaginable. And under my bed- well it's a couple feet off the ground so you can only imagine how much stuff I can fit under there....okay. Time to stop procrastinating. I've given myself until Thursday night to be done with everything. So here goes nothing. Wish me luck.

All I Ever Wanted...

Oh Walmart. I hate Walmart. I find it is a necessary evil. However, tonight I was trying to organize several rooms at a time and I realized I needed some command hooks if I was going to do a decent job of it. Let me first back up and tell you that, considering my feelings, today was probably not the day to go to Walmart. I left my house just before 8:30am this morning, stayed at work a little late-which put me home at almost 7pm. Then I had to clean the "guest" room that my sister recently vacated before I could even begin to think about moving my stuff back into it. And I also had a lesson to finalize for church tomorrow. So when I decided to go to Walmart I was already stressed and VERY tired. Not a stellar beginning for a trip to Walmart on a Saturday night in Utah county.

Anyway, I went out into the cold frigid night to get my hooks. (why was it so important I get the hooks tonight? ...I have a hard time focusing on things (like a lesson plan)-if I have clutter surrounding me. I work better in a clean organized environment. And right now my environment is anything but organized) where was I? oh yes, I braved the cold and entered the zoo only to find that they are SOLD OUT of command hooks. Great. Of course they are. Why do they never re-stock? They have probably been out of them for weeks if not months! I get that sometimes they run out of stuff...I work retail, I know this. But come on! This is Walmart...they carry the same stuff all year long! Ugh whatever. I left Walmart without spending a dime, which I think is a record for me, and headed to Macey's. (It's on my way home) Guess what?! they don't have them either. So I decided I would just get my favorite flavor of Ben and Jerry's to make up for my lack of hooks. NOPE- they don't even carry it anymore (which is a bigger tragedy than you realize- I don't super love ice cream. There are very few flavors I will eat and this Macey's was the ONLY one that carried my flavor) LAME! I got in my car feeling totally dissatisfied with the world and drove home. Now that I wasted and hour of my very packed night (did I mention I also bailed on one of my best friends so I could get all this done?) I got on the computer to print out my lesson outline...low and behold...the dumb website will only print page one. Nice but I kind of need more than just the "preparation" page. I had to get fancy and use my brain to fix the problem- but long story short- I had a slight emotional break down. Seriously- all I ever wanted was a dumb hook to hang my headbands on. Is that so much to ask? I guess it was. I am learning something from this experience...what? what am I learning?

You can't have everything you want right when you want it. I need to not take on bigger projects than I can realistically complete in the time I have. Also I need a hard copy of my teacher's manual because I am not going to mess with this kind of thing every time I teach :) And most importantly, Life goes on. Tomorrow will come whether I have my hooks or not. "Tomorrow is a new day-Fresh with no mistakes in it" Tomorrow I can choose to be happy. And tomorrow I will not let small things get to me. (which means I should go to bed so I'm not tired- because tired makes me irritable)

Was it Worth it??

Okay, I'm not saying Marylin Monroe is a favorite of mine. In fact it's quite the opposite. I really don't think she could sing, she was a horrible actress, and she basically sold her body and along the way pretended to be incredibly stupid. Not the makings of a person I can respect. Really the only good thing about her is that she was before the days of twiggy and she had a very positive body image. That being said- I was reading through some quotes of hers and I couldn't help but feel bad for her. I mean really, Norma Jean Baker wanted so badly to be famous she sold herself- and in so doing cut her life short. She had all kinds of attention, positive and negative, but she didn't have any real friends. No one really respected her. Men used her. What did she get out of her Hollywood experience? Nothing of REAL value. I wonder, if she knew how it was all going to play out, would she do it again or would she stay Norma Jean?

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

She was not a stupid woman. I agree with this statement- except for the part about trusting only yourself...those are words of a hurt and jaded woman. Someone who has been taken advantage of too many times.

"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't."

She accepted the image Hollywood gave to her-Sad.

"Success makes so many people hate you. I wish it wasn't that way. It would be wonderful to enjoy success without seeing envy in the eyes of those around you."

I'm guessing she didn't have very many real friends.

"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."

again, just sad. She sounds lonely and a little bitter.

"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul. I know, because I turned down the first offer often enough and held out for the fifty cents."

She wasn't exaggerating. She did sell her soul to become Marylin. I truly hope she got everything she dreamed. I hope she was satisfied with her life, although she doesn't really sound like she was. At least not 100% of the time. Was it worth it? I would say no....

Speed Dating

Oh New Year's Eve...not my favorite holiday of the year. Secretly I hate it. Anyway, I already wrote that post last year...this one is going to be more fun. So this year I decided to not be such a stick in the mud and I went to a YSA dance. I know what you are thinking...because it's exactly what I thought. I had no intentions of going to this one but my dear friend Amanda is on on the planning committee and she assured me since this one involved several stakes it wouldn't be as bad as previous years. So I dolled myself up, because I don't get to do that very often- and it was actually fun. Smokey eyes and leopard print stilettos. yes please!! Anyway, while the dance was in progress they also had speed dating going on in another room. I totally did it and it was actually fun. I didn't actually play by all the rules but I did sit at the table and talk to a new guy every 60 seconds. And to be fair...most of the guys were actually pretty normal. I LOVE YSA activities sometimes. Anyway- so this speed dating gig was pretty intense. As you walk into the room they hand you a slip of paper that says:

Speed dating 101:

Get a 3x5 card and pen (girls colored/guys white)

write your name on the front of your card. make it legible please.

on the back discreetly write your phone number (for admin eyes only)

Meet and write the name of your speed date on the back

converse with person across from you for allotted time

use provided questions as icebreakers

ascertain if you would like admin. to provide your speed date with your phone number or not

if yes indicate next to speed date's name. if no indicate next to speed dates name.

when notified, bid farewell and move to next date

at the end of the night admin will take matches and distribute phone number accordingly.

whew...that is a mouth full...but don't you worry. There is more. Flip over the paper to find this:

Dating tips:

Be authentic with compliments

inquire about your date

be confident in your self

be thou not overbearing

avoid questions that can be answered with yes or no

be clean. physically, morally

Speak highly of your mom

men- open doors

women-walk through open doors

plan your date

Pair off on your date

Pay for your date

Avoid day-long first dates

Call. Don't FB or text
Dress for success. Try wearing something ironed and appropriate

guys remember 90-10 (will smith)

Girls. Its ok to date when you have a missionary

***Adherence to afore mentioned doesn't guarantee marriage***

Um, can we say amazing. Especially the part about your mom! Also the disclaimer at the bottom....classic.

With a Little Attitude

Once upon a time I was in hair school. I spent about 10 hours a day just focused on physical appearance. Either mine or someone else's. Our seats in the classroom faced a mirrored wall so for four hours a day you got to stare at yourself and find all your flaws. Needless to say, the other 4-6 hours, if I had down time I spent perfecting my own hair and make up. Back then I was pretty daring with my cosmetics. Where is this leading? I have decided that red lipstick is not utilized nearly enough. I used to wear it at least once a week back when I was in school. Now I have down graded and it's become just my stage make up. LAME. A friend of mine wore it to a dance last night and she inspired me to pull it out again. So yes. I wore red lipstick to church today. And also my red heels with my most amazing dress in my closet...then topped it off with my pearls. Pretty much I felt like a classy retro chick. (If I had known I was going to blog about this I would have taken a picture.) I plan on wearing my red lips at least once a week again and I think more people should join me in my quest!! And I don't want to hear "I can't pull it off" because everyone can!! you just need the right shade and a lot of attitude ;)

Finish Strong

In honor of the new year I wanted to revisit a topic that I think is super important. Endurance. We have just finished another year. For some of us it was possibly the most successful year of our lives, for others perhaps its a year we'd rather forget. Either way-that year is gone. The question is, what will we make of this next one? I was watching this video (CLICK HERE ) and I began questioning my attitude about life. Who I am and how I respond to the trials I face each day..the big and the small. Sometimes I think it would be great if everything in my life were just peachy with no sadness or hardship but Neal A Maxwell says, "So often in life a deserved blessing is quickly followed by a needed stretching. Spiritual exhilaration may be quickly followed by a vexation or temptation. Were it otherwise, extended spiritual reveries or immunities from adversity might induce in us a regrettable forgetfulness of others in deep need." I believe we are all in need of stretching if for no other reason than to keep us mindful of those around us who are also in need. Anne Morrow Lindbergh wisely cautioned: "I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable" ("Lindbergh Nightmare," Time, 5 Feb. 1973, 35). That 'willingness to remain vulnerable' is the challenge. No one wants to be vulnerable. We build walls around ourselves to prevent it. But those walls can and often do, prevent us from moving. We are fortified in our safe zone. yes we may experience less pain, less failure, but we also experience less joy and less accomplishment. We will not achieve, we will not serve, and we will not become who we are meant to be without that willingness to be vulnerable. That willingness is what allows us to get back up...to finish strong. Annie Swetchine said, "Those who have suffered much are like those who know many languages; they have learned to understand and be understood by all" through out trials we learn empathy. we are able to relate to others and have others relate to us. I hope to finish this new year, and the rest of my life strong. To get back up each time I fall. Not only to get up but to get up smiling looking forward with hope for the future and gratitude for the things I have learned knowing that I can and will succeed. I hope each time I get up I can bring someone else up with me. To understand those around me an appreciate them for who they are- vulnerability and all. Neal a Maxwell says, " though we live in a failing world, we have not been sent here to fail" and so with that said I will include one of my favorite poems...it is long but I love it and it is a great reminder for this coming year!
The Race

"Quit, give up, you're beaten"
They shout at you and plead
"There's just too much against you
This time you can't succeed".

And as I start to hang my head
In front of failures face
My downward fall is broken by
The memory of a race

And hope refills my weakened will
As I recall that scene
Or just the thought of that short race
Rejuvenates my being

Children's race, young boys
Young men, how I remember well
Excitement sure, but also fear
It wasn't hard to tell

They all lined up so full of hope
Each thought to win that race
Or tie for first, or if not that
At least take second place

The fathers watched from off the side
Each cheering for his son
And each boy hoped to show his dad
That he could be the one

The whistle blew and off they went
Young hearts and hopes afire
To win and be the hero there
Was each young boys desire

And one boy in particular
Whose dad was in the crowd
Was running near the lead and thought
"My dad will be so proud"

But as they speeded down the field
Across a shallow dip
The little boy who thought to win
Lost his step and slipped

Trying hard to catch himself
With hands flew out to brace
And amid the laughter of the crowd
He fell flat on his face

But as he fell his dad stood up
And showed his anxious face
Which to the boy so clearly said
"Get up and win the race"

He quickly rose, no damage done
Behind a bit that's all
And ran with all his might and mind
To make up for the fall

So anxious to restore himself
To catch up and to win
His mind went faster than his legs
He slipped and fell again

He wished then that he had quit before
With only one disgrace
"I'm hopeless as a runner now
I shouldn't try to race"

But in the laughing crowd he searched
And found his fathers face
That steady look which said again
"Get up and win the race"

So up he jumped to try again
Ten yards behind the last
If I'm going to gain those yards he though
I've got to move real fast

Exerting everything he had
He regained eight or ten
But trying hard to catch the lead
He slipped and fell again

Defeat, he lay there silently
A tear dropped from his eye
There's no sense running anymore
Three strikes, I'm out, why try?

The will to rise had disappeared
All hope had fled away
So far behind so error prone
A loser all the way

"I've lost, so what", he thought
I'll live with my disgrace
But then he thought about his dad
Whom soon he'd have to face

"Get up" the echo sounded low
"Get up" and take your place
You were not meant for failure here
"Get up", and win the race

With borrowed will "Get up" it said
"You haven't lost at all"
For winning is no more than this
To rise each time you fall

So up he rose to run once more
And with a new commit
He resolved, that win or lose
At least he shouldn't quit

So far behind the others now
The most he'd ever been
Still he'd give it all he had
And run as though to win

Three times he'd fallen, stumbling
Three times he'd rose again
Too far behind to hope to win
He still ran to the end

They cheered the winning runner
As he crossed the line first place
Head high and proud and happy
No falling, no disgrace

But when the fallen youngster
Crossed the line, last place
The crowd gave him the greater cheer
For finishing the race

And even though he came in last
With head bent low, unproud
You would have thought he'd won the race
To listen to the crowd

And to his dad he sadly said
"I didn't do too well"
"To me you won", his father said
"You rose each time you fell"
by D. H. Groberg

Still My Most Embarrassing Moment Thus Far...

This story is SO much better in person, but I feel like sharing it, some of you may have already heard this, but its always good for a laugh. In may of 2005 I had emergency surgery to have my appendix removed.. but the story doesn't start there.....background: (gosh I can't believe I'm writing this...those who know me well will enjoy this story) okay, so first of all, while at school I had double insurance, BYU and my parents. BYU insurance sucks and my parents only covered me in Cali except for Emergencies. At about 3pm on a Monday I wasn't feeling too well but decided that my dance tights (which I always wore all day-it was just easier) were just too tight so I finished my shift at work and turned in my ten page paper and walked to my apartment. At about 7pm I decided I still didn't feel well and was going to bed. my roommate Jeni came in to keep me company and we discussed my symptoms. At this point I was not just feeling sick but actually was starting to have a lot of pain. Jeni informed me that it was probably just gas or something because if it was anything more serious I would be in tears. I wasn't so naturally Jeni must be right. I mostly just wanted her to be right because I sure as heck was not going to pay a $50 copay for gas! About an hour or so later my friend fawn came over to visit and she was telling a story...at this point I decided that I had better call my mom because I was in SO much pain I hadn't heard anything fawn said. I had never felt such intense pain in my life. My mom informed me that according to her medical book I should have gone to the hospital 3 hours earlier. who knew that 8 hrs of pain might suggest a larger problem. I agreed to have a blessing and go to the hospital. however, once I got there my pain had nearly disappeared. I thought to myself "great it was just gas..how embarrassing". I checked in anyway because in my blessing I was specifically told to seek medical attention. so after some seriously awful tests my roommate and I were in the ER having a good old time laughing and joking. In typical family tradition I had no standard symptoms beyond pain.
But like all hospitals they wanted me to undress from the waist up and put on a stupid gown. so I did, but I didn't do exactly as they asked. I left my bra on. why shouldn't I? I was going home. Or so I thought. they sent me for a CT scan (which by the way you aren't supposed to have any metal on in those things...does under wire count?) . blah blah blah...the super hunky 30 something year old doctor comes in after my scan and tells me I have 20 minutes before I go to surgery and I need to take the rest of my clothes off and then he left. uh oh. it is at this point that the mortification comes into play....well, when I first was admitted to the ER they put an IV in my arm. As I am trying to follow Dr. Studly's orders I realize that I can't get my bra strap over the IV in my arm. so my roommate and I, who have obviously been making great choices all night, take the IV bag off its hook and try to thread it through the bra strap. It didn't work so we started looking for scissors...no luck. I was totally tangled. the doctor comes back and asks through the curtain if I'm ready. to which I had to reply in utter humiliation, "no, I'm stuck"....he opened the curtain, took one look at the situation and just shook his head. he comes over in complete frustration but trying to appear patient and tries to help. about this point, one of the single and oh so attractive male nurses comes in and asks, "is she ready yet"....he then assesses the situation and comes over to try his hand at untangling me....no luck. A third very attractive male nurse comes in the room and says, "is she ready yet?" he then says, "oh, let me try I'm good at this sort of thing!" meanwhile I am just sitting there too embarrassed to even really be embarrassed, it was like a bad dream, really. I felt like a 3 yr old who just got caught coloring on the walls or something. I couldn't look at any of them. about five minutes later they finally got me unhooked. so maybe to some that doesn't sound too bad, three men helping me get undressed. however, it is not something I am accustomed to. the experience was WAY out of my comfort zone! ahhh. I guess the good part was, I was too worried about the situation to worry about the surgery. but yeah, I have done and said a lot of embarrassing things in my life, but this was the worst so far!

He Sends Angels

"have angels ceased to appear unto the children of men?"... "Behold I say unto you, Nay; for . . . it is by faith that angels appear and minister unto men. . . . "in times of special need, He sent angels, divine messengers, to bless His children, reassure them that heaven was always very close and that His help was always very near...when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day. (Elder Holland Oct 2008 conference)

I was reminded of this conference talk while talking to my sister. She is always great to talk to because she is so full of insight. She looks at things in new ways and helps me to sort out my thoughts. I was struggling with a decision and as we talked about not judging others too quickly she shared an experience she had just that day.

she said, "and yet a refiners fire will sometimes make more of a man then a perfect past can. Today I stopped to help this lady get her car out of the snow. I was weak and sick and wearing leather shoes I stood in ice water for 20 minutes trying to push her car out and finally i started praying for angels because once i offered to help I had to finish what I started. so guess what the angel looked like? he had black scraggly hair down to his waist, and a mangy tangled goatee and a tattoo on his neck. he was the only one besides me who stopped to help. A physically sick girl and a obviously wounded soul was he and yet he helped. He wished us a good day and expressed concern that we be careful because the roads were icy."

I am grateful for my sister's story. My family is so often the angels in my life to lift me up. she reminded me that sometimes our angels aren't who we expect them to be..they don't look how we think they should look or have the lifestyle we think they should have, "but the Lord places certain people in our lives to teach us something no one else can" ...and sometimes it is our responsibility to be the angel. I include Elder Holland's testimony as he shares my thoughts so perfectly..." I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. "[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved." On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal... In the process of praying for those angels to attend us, may we all try to be a little more angelic ourselves—with a kind word, a strong arm, a declaration of faith "

Christmas Recital

Okay Folks...I can't believe I'm doing this. I am posting the link for my recital video. It isn't perfect and normally I wouldn't share something that isn't perfect. But I am trying to get over that. I always expect perfection and lets face it...that never happens. I am accepting the fact that I am my biggest critic and I often let that stop me from sharing things with the people I love. Like this video...I didn't want to share it with 50 people I love because of one or two people who might judge me and say mean things about the few mistakes. Not cool. I need to just ignore those people and accept it for what it is. I think that's why I get so nervous...I am afraid of what people are saying. Also there are things about my voice I don't love, I'm working on changing them but that takes time. It's getting better- but no one but me expects a finished product with so little time and effort...so that's what this is...a work in progress and I'm sharing it with anyone who wants to see it. Scary. Also please remember that I am not a jazz singer...this style is WAY out of my comfort zone.

Please click HERE to watch the video. (My favorite part is when I unconsciously started fixing the belt on my dress. nice)

Black Ice Ahead

Having been raised in Sacramento, Ca snow is not something I am on particularly good terms with. I look upon it as something to be avoided, a necessary evil if you will. However, a few years ago I acquired a rush-hour commute from Pleasant Grove to Provo and learned some valuable lessons along the way. One Tuesday morning in November, I woke up expecting to find mounds of snow piled high on the streets. To my surprise the snow had been cleared from the roads...SCORE!! I was off the hook for another morning...or so I thought. Once I hit Orem it was a different story. Lets just say the road crews in Orem are not quite as efficient ...black ice and snow covered the roads...traffic slowed and I was a little tense but so far doing okay. My turn was coming up. As I attempted to move to the left hand turn lane I slid on ice. Having never driven in snow I reacted and made the wrong decision. I finally was able to stop my car. Unfortunately, the front end of my car was in the lane to my right and I didn't have enough room to straighten out and complete the turn. For the first time in my life I felt utterly helpless behind the wheel of my car. I wanted to get out and just walk away. I wanted someone..anyone else to drive my car and fix my problem. The problem I was sure I could not fix on my own. I was done. I didn't want to keep going. I know that sounds dramatic but I literally felt helpless. I was sure that if I drove any further my car would be history and I would probably take someone with me in the process. However, reality struck hard and I realized that walking away was not a viable option. I couldn't just leave my car on state street! I chose to turn my car in the right direction once again and go straight...there was more than one way to get to work. I would just have to try another intersection. So down the ice-covered hill I went. I made it successfully down the hill and stopped at the light. I was almost there-I could see the hospital. I was only a few minutes away from walking safely into work when my car lurched forward. Yes, the guy behind me slid on ice and right into the back of my car. Great. I never submitted a claim for it. My car wasn't dented. He only scratched some paint off my bumper. I wasn't hurt. Besides, there were scratches in other places on my car - it was an accident. It could have just as easily been me who hit someone else. I let it go.

Why do I write this...because all my life I've listened to people tell incredible stories about things they learned from seemingly small experiences...and I FINALLY got my own. What did I learn...1. I learned that quite often, I think I've got things all figured out. I assume that because a 'road' or a choice looks like its going to be easy it may not stay that way. There may be unseen and unanticipated obstacles along the way. 2. I learned that there will always be 'ice' on the roads of life...but the choices we make and how we react is the important thing. 3. I learned that even if we make a wrong choice...we can start over...there is always another right choice...we may have to stay on the 'ice' a little longer...but we'll eventually get there. 4. I learned that sometimes we choose a path and at the last second be are 'prompted' to take another path. We don't always get to know why. 5. I learned that sometimes you think you are safe. That you've made it without a scratch- and then life hits you from behind. We are left with a few scratches but it's nothing that the atonement cannot correct. 6. And I learned that through all this...the bumps and scratches...when things get hard and we just want to quit...to say "that's it..I've had enough..I just want to walk away" ...we can't. We have to keep going...we don't have to do it alone..our Savior is there to take the wheel and direct our paths...but we have to be willing to move forward..we have to finish...

Save the Excuses

Pet Peeve for today:

When people say they don't have time. Honestly I've said this before. But the truth of the matter is, YOU MAKE TIME FOR THE THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO YOU. So if you say you don't have time, what you are really saying is: "YOU are NOT important to me. Okay maybe you don't have time today or this week...but if you want to see someone or do something you will make time for it. Actions speak louder than words...so instead of saying, "I don't have time" just say, "you know what, you are not important enough for me to rearrange my schedule or go out of my way." What will happen is you will be left with very few friends- however, if we are being honest, if they weren't important to you, then you had very few REAL friends to begin with. So all you've done is stopped the nagging and the necessity to make excuses.

Creeper stories continued

By now most of you have read my previous post about my FB creeper Clark. Well, right after I found out the logical part of me just wanted to block the loser and be done with it. But something kept me from it. I couldn't block him...but I didn't really want him on my page either...so I put him on my restricted friends list. It's perfect. He only has access to what I make public and well, I never make anything public. But the beauty of it is, I still have full access to his page. Some of you are probably thinking "who cares. why would you want that" I will tell you why. Tonight I was contacted by another girl, a real one this time, that had a date set for next week. She noticed we had 22 friends in common, one of them being him. So she messaged me to see if he was safe. I sent her to my blog and she said she had the same experience with him. Then while I was looking at his page for kicks and giggles I noticed he had updated his status. His friend 'Blake' had commented (don't worry Blake only has one fb friend and guess who it is...Clark) but above him I noticed a girl had liked the status. I clicked on her and she had almost 800 friends....I knew she was legit. I sent her a message with the link to my blog and hopefully spared her the same creeper story. This guy is totally targeting the BYU network. So now I see why I couldn't delete him. I feel like I need to be available for girls to contact me about him...I will just have to see how long it takes him to catch on and delete me from his friends list.

Cynicism Isn't Always Bad

I am a bit of a cynic. Sometimes I hate that about myself. I wish I could just believe the best of everyone and take them at face value. I try. I really do. But even if I tell myself to give this person a chance, the nagging at the back of my mind rears its ugly head. It's a little voice that says, "yeah right? No way is this all true". On the other hand, sometimes that little voice saves me from getting sucked into things I shouldn't be sucked into. Lets be honest, I have a knack for attracting creepers. The funny thing is, I can have the same "friend" on Facebook as someone else and they will only creep on me...why is that?

Let me explain that one quickly before I move onto the GOOD stuff. About a year ago one of my sister's FB friends requested I add them. I figured it was someone who used to babysit me or something like that so I accepted. All of a sudden this person started chatting with me and pushing to do a photo shoot with them. Over and over again they kept trying to get me to model for them. She said she was a mother of 2 but really after several short chats I am convinced it was a man posing as a woman. I won't go into the details about how I figured that one out (totally gross)...but this person NEVER creeped on my sister. Seriously, she has over 100 friends she doesn't even know and non of them are weirdies. I have only ever in my life added 3 people I hadn't met before and ALL 3 turned out to be mistakes. Actually each consecutive one got more creeper-ish than the last. Which brings me to my last and final FB creeper. I have officially learned my lesson -but I did pick up a fantastically entertaining story along the way. So sit back and enjoy as I recount this one :)

About a week ago I got a friend request from a guy named Clark Holland. We didn't have any friends in common and I was hesitant to add him-mostly because I think it's weird. But after looking at his page I decided I would add him-I felt bad for the guy. He was supposedly a widower and a single dad. I figured I would accept the request and if he turned out to be psycho I would just block him. He started chatting with me, (I think it was the following day) and I am a pretty chill person so I figured I would just go with it for awhile. Apparently he had sent me a message the day before but I never got a notification about it so I only read it after he apologized for possibly creeping me out with said message. (obviously he doesn't know me if he thinks an email message will creep me out...ME? the girl who had her FB page stolen and copied (see here)) Anyway, he sent me his resume...not a business one but the "this is why you should date me" resume. Which was impressive. A little TOO impressive. But I don't like to come across as a cynic the first time people talk to me so I tried to be as polite as possible. When I asked him how he came across my page (since we had nothing in common I knew FB didn't suggest it) He said, "The way I came across you was very random. I was actually using the browse feature on here to search for my sisters boyfriend (not you or anyone else). Usually when you do a browse search on here you only pass the link to someones page just once. I remember passing your page three different times. By the third time I had a strong feeling in my gut that I needed to say something, or Id somehow regret it."

Did he really just play the spiritual inspiration card. From a search on FB? Okay, that's weird. But just go with it. I talked to him for a few more minutes, mostly about his daughter and then he got off...but don't you worry. Before he did he said the most cheesy thing anyone has EVER said to me....especially to someone they've never met "Goodnight princess charming"....WHAT is THAT??!! please don't ever call me that again. At that point I'm starting to think maybe this guy actually is a creeper and I should not have added him. Now, let me share with you the resume-

"The names Clark Jackson Holland-27-Oldest of twelve-Quadruplet-Eleven Sisters-From Park City, Utah-Returned Missionary (Hong Kong)-Widower-Proud parent of a perfect 13 month old girl-Seminary Teacher/wish coordinator extraordinare-Finished one masters degree just last week. Finishing another in April 2012-Pilot-Pianist-Song Writer-Avid dancer-Seen 81 Temples-World Traveler-Fluent in 8 Languages-Worlds Biggest Bookworm-Worlds Most Hopeless Romantic-Fought Cancer Twice When I Was Young-Proud Latter Day Saint-Eagle Scout-Cancer Advocate -Science Geek-Regular Funny Guy-Tri-athlete" (that is a direct quote copied and pasted. Wouldn't you think someone with TWO masters degrees could spell Extraordinaire? Just sayin')

Now really come on? I've met some amazing men in my life but NO ONE has done all that...at least not in 27 years. He is, amazingly enough, accomplished in every area any girl could ever be interested in. But seriously? That is TOO good to be true. Also, do you know any university that would allow someone to enroll in TWO master's programs while teaching seminary full time and doing a ton of volunteer work? The two programs I've looked into don't even let you work your first year let alone do an entirely different program at the same time. Whatever. And when has he had time to travel the world between recovering from cancer, re-teaching himself to walk and to eat, serving a mission, getting married, having a baby, finishing an undergrad and two masters and working a full time job. please. And if he did find time, how does he pay for all that on the salary of a seminary teacher?

Besides this resume...I of course searched his FB page and found some more hints to my creeper friend. His seminary students comment on his page and apparently he lets them babysit for him. Hello?! This just doesn't sound like a smart idea. Young single teacher has his female students come over to his house to watch his child? Isn't he afraid that one of them will accuse him of improper advances?? or maybe one of their mom's? I mean, people are sick. Also, do they have early morning seminary in Utah? I thought it was all release time. One of his students is graduating from Provo High school next year...but he lives in Park City. How does that work? does she drive up there every day? Another interesting observation- the few friends who comment on his stuff have no FB activity before November...most are from December. Please tell me one high school student you know who doesn't LIVE on FB...they should have a million posts per day. Nope. Just a few picture changes. And his "sister" is gender confused. "Meghan changed HIS profile picture"...probably if Meghan were real she would know what gender she was and have it accurately represented on her page.

Anyway, back to the story, he commented on a few things on my page and then I started a chat with him...I just had to ask some questions and see where another conversation would go. I like to test out my suspicions. His first comment is to tell me I'm beautiful. But my favorite comments were, "I can't believe you aren't taken yet" and "something tells me you won't be single long". I don't think he was ready for my cynical comment of "well I won't hold my breath" He then asks me what I look for in a guy. Seriously? fine. I gave him my basic 4. A testimony, uses their temple recommend, a sense of humor, and treats me well. I quickly changed the subject because I thought that was a weird line of conversation and he kept calling me Hon. yuck. we've never even met please don't call me that.

Anyway, after my basics list he proceeds to ask me on a date to the temple. Um what? first of all that's a weird date with someone you've never met. You cannot talk during a session. How am I supposed to get to know someone that way. Just because I said I want someone who attends the temple doesn't mean that needs to be our date. Although...for safety sake, if you are going out with someone you've never met it might not be a bad idea to meet them after you pass the recommend desk. Then if he can't actually get in because he's a rapist or something then you can go do a session and he will be gone by the time you come out. Perfect. Anyway, I was super caught off guard and said I'd go...but I left myself and out by saying that I had a funeral to attend and I would have to work and I didn't know my schedule for either. (sometimes having a variable schedule comes in super handy) He sent me his phone number and told me to text him later. I said sure. (but I was really thinking Yeah right-I don't want you to have my number) I started asking him general questions about temples and distances from his house and told him I'd never been to park city...he invited me up for new years. To which I replied that he should really slow down- I could be a psycho after all. (which was really a nice way of saying HE could be a psycho and there is no way I'm going up to park city with a strange man). From there he decided that we were going out on Friday...even though I had just finished telling him that I didn't have my work schedule. Whatever I wasn't going anyway so no sense arguing. I got offline and went to play with some girlfriends. While I was out with them I got a message from one of his "friends"...this is the part where all my suspicions are confirmed.

This girl starts out by telling me that Clark is a fraud. She gives me a website to check out with his phone number- "this page will tell you all about him" She writes this big huge thing about how her brother is a cop and she's going to stay friends with him until they can "nail" him. Clark is a monster and I should just run away from him as fast as I can. I replied with a short thank you and went to the site she suggested. It was very entertaining and sad at the same time. So many vulnerable women in this world. Turns out this guy has had 44 complaints associated with his number dating back to last summer. He has several different names that he uses but the lines and resume are always the same. Sometimes his daughter is older sometimes younger. He adds people, makes dates, and then comes clean about his lies right before they go out. He makes profile pages for his friends and comments on his own page as them. After reading this I realized that this girl, the one who sent the warning message, was indeed Clark himself. This was his way of "coming clean" without actually having to fess up. Funny thing is...we didn't actually have a date set. (can I just for one second say that there are some stupid women in this world! most of those women gave their addresses to this guy to pick them up for the date. HELLO! DO NOT give your address to a man you only know through the Internet!!)

How do I know this was him and not some well meaning girl. 1. If she knows he has fake friends on him page, how did she know I was not a fake friend? She could have 'blown her cover' by telling me...unless "she" was "him" and knew for a fact that I was NOT a made up friend. 2. if her brother really is a cop then he knows this guy has not actually broken any laws. he adds people, they choose to allow it and he talks to them...but last time I checked, lying was not a crime in any of the 50 states. So they can't actually "nail" him on anything. You cannot arrest someone for being a sociopath. 3. She was super dramatic about the whole thing. She said she threw up over it and he was a monster. I'm picturing a serial killer...not some sad man who has no life. I mean really, I kind of feel bad for the guy. If he can pretend to be so good, why can't he just choose to actually BE good? Who knows. Its just sad. 4 she has a similar writing style to Clark. The phrasing and grammatical structures have very strong similarities and if that wasn't enough evidence, 5. her page doesn't have any FB activity either.

Hello Captain Creeper. You are a sad pathetic person who seriously has TOO much time on your hands. My question is though....why did these other women not see these red flags? From their comments it sounds like their interactions went on for awhile. I feel like so many of these flags are pretty obvious. What did I learn about myself through all this? I am still a little shallow. He used the incorrect spelling of 'their' in a chat. I hate that. There, They're, and Their. TOTALLY different meanings. And the other reason...in some of his pictures (which aren't really him) he is wearing yarn stitched jeans. I HATE when men wear stitched or studded jeans. SO girly. I feel like any man wearing this is shouting very loudly "I am high maintenance." ick. who wants that?! And I wouldn't want to be a second wife. Granted, if I had to choose I would want the spouse to have passed than to just be divorced and around as baggage. But I just really still want to be the 1st and only wife. Also, I am sometimes grateful for my cynicism. It keeps me from attaching myself to people who don't deserve my trust. But man was that a fun ride!!

Excuse me?? What?

"I need a boyfriend... preferably tall, baby faced, with big brown eyes and a foreign accent ;)"

This is my niece's facebook status right now. She is 15-VERY 15. I read it and was going to say, "You are not old enough for a boyfriend. Try again next Christmas"

No big deal right? Problem is...Another friend. A male friend had a status update just above hers that said.."Who wants to see Jim Gaffigan and Mike Birbiglia this January with me?" And it was under THAT status that I started to type my response. Boy would he have been confused. I think maybe I didn't get enough sleep last night...good thing I'm not driving very far today :)

An Inspiration

This picture is a truly incredible family. They are, and have been over the last year and half, a pillar of strength to me. The beautiful woman in the middle is Melanie. Melanie passed away yesterday morning after a long hard battle with cancer.
About a year and a half ago Melanie worked with me at the Gap. She was scheduled to come in but called to tell me that she was sick...she had walking pneumonia and was told to stay home and rest. About a week later she came into the store with her girls. She pulled me into the back room and I asked her how she was feeling. She looked at me, in an attempt to be strong, and told me that she had just been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I had no words. We both had a good cry together and she told me she was going to fight it. Soon after this Melanie's oldest daughter and Melanie's sister started working at the store and they kept us informed. The cancer spread. Just a few weeks ago it had spread to her liver and they realized there was nothing left to do but to make her as comfortable as possible. (you can read her blog here)

I was informed today just after I arrived at work that she had passed away. Surprisingly I held it together for a 9hr shift. I had to. I was in charge and it's Christmas. But then I got home and I got on her facebook page and saw the pictures of her before and of her after and I pretty much crumbled. Honestly I'm not horribly upset for Melanie- the last year of her life has been hard. I know she is with her Father in Heaven and being taken care of. She was a righteous woman who was a joy to be around. Everyone loved her. But what makes my heart break is her four children. The oldest is 20 and the youngest only 12. It makes me sad to think that her girls are going to get married and they won't have their mom to help them pick out their dresses or be at their high school and college graduations. She won't be there to hold their babies or when her son comes home from his mission. I know they are strong. I know they will get through it. I know that the atonement will carry them through this time and times to come...but it is hard for me to watch. My mom is one of my best friends and I know how completely my heart would break if she were to pass away. I have several friends who have lost their mother's to cancer- and because I love them- every mother's day my heart breaks a little for them. It has become a bitter sweet day for me. Sweet because I love my mother and get to talk to her everyday. Bitter because my dearest friends don't have that opportunity.
I admire this family so much. They are so strong. They are an inspiration to me. She will be missed by everyone who knew her.

Just a Wish

Random Facts about me:

1. I LOVE ornaments. I have gotten at LEAST one every Christmas since I was a toddler.

2. I LOVE to dress up

3. I like to have ornaments of the things I dress up as.

As many of you know I dress up as Snow White quite often. Well, I buy ornaments that remind me of Snow White. This year I bought a red apple ornament. I was totally satisfied with this...but you see, the other night I was watching 'you've got mail' with my niece and I noticed Meg Ryan hanging a tiny pair of ruby slippers on her Christmas tree. Suddenly I needed a pair of tiny ruby slippers since I dressed up as Dorothy this last Halloween. Problem is- its a Hallmark keepsake ornament from 1998(ish)(bottom slippers) or the keepsake from 2009 (top). Which means that one ornament is about $30-$50. I just don't feel like I can justify that. But I really really LOVE it. I mean look at those tiny blingy slippers....SO CUTE! They would look amazing on my tree. Perhaps next year. But that ornament is going on my bucket list. My "things to buy before I kick the bucket" list. And when I do, I will take a picture of them on my tree and blog about it. But for now they will stay on my wish list.

Always Last

I have said it before and I'll say it again, I get really really nervous when I sing in front of anyone. The longer I wait to do it the worse my nerves get. Last time I sang in church they had me sing before the first speaker- which was fantastic! No time to get nervous. It was over before I could think about it. Well, such is not the case at my voice recitals. I am almost always one of the last 3 people to sing out of a group of 15-20. I am not complaining really, I know it's good for me and I'm learning to control my nerves. Today I didn't get nervous until just four people before me. (Out of 18 that's not bad) Also, I got to sit by my friend Madison whom I LOVE. So there were lots of good things about going 2nd to last today. Also, I got to wake everyone up before they drove home :) j/k

Overall the recital went well. There were a few spots that I didn't feel were great- I've sung them 100 times better, but I have also sung them 100 times worse. So I feel pretty okay about the whole thing. Now I have to sing on Sunday and possibly a show in February...hooray for facing fears right?!

Words to Live By

In relief society today the teacher passed around a HUGE basket of dove chocolates. It went around the room several times bringing joy to one and all. Well, as you may know, Dove chocolates have short sayings on the inside of each wrapper. I LOVE to see what mine will say. Most of the time they are pretty cheesy but today I found them particularly profound. Mine said:

Smile.
I fully support this. Everyone should smile and as often as possible. Men are that they might have Joy. Besides, everyone is more attractive with a smile on their face!

Dance with your heart.
If your heart is not in it then it isn't as fulfilling. I have done both. I have danced because I was told to, to get a grade, to pass a test, but the times I found the most joy in it was when I was competing or performing. I did both simply because I loved it!! Those who dance with their hearts are more fun to watch!!

You're gorgeous.
Always nice to hear, especially after you've chowed several pieces of chocolate ;) But mostly I just wish all women believed this about themselves. We are gorgeous- especially happy righteous women. I have so many gorgeous friends- they are an inspiration to me every time I see them.

Love yourself.
If you don't, it's hard to love anyone else. "love thy neighbor as thyself" We were all created by the same loving Father in Heaven- if others are worthy of love, YOU are just as worthy.

Get a good night's sleep.
Everything seems better when your mind and body are rested. Hope is restored when problems are faced with a strong mind and body. Also, it's just really good advice.

Seek out small pleasures.
Not everything has to be over the top. Sometimes the best thing in the world is a simple but meaningful conversation with a friend. Singing Disney songs in your car at the top of your lungs. Or Dove chocolates in Relief Society ;) (yes I ate six of them-stop judging me! haha)

*Not all sayings were so helpful- my dear friend Erin got two that said "Draw a hot bath" she thought maybe it was a hint that she needed one. Not so..my friend Erin smells good all the time. Love her!

Censoring

I have pretty great vision. I don't wear contacts and I never wear glasses. I have some for reading far away and for night driving- but I hate wearing them so I just don't read far away (since I'm done with school that really isn't an issue anymore) and I never drive at night in places I'm not already familiar with. That being said, the only glasses I ever wear are sunglasses when I drive- sometimes. My sunglasses are quite large and fairly dark so they over half my face, the half that is the most expressive. Those who spend any time around me know that the censor between my thoughts and my expression is inactive 98% of the time. If I think it, it's probably going to show on my face. Sometimes I hate it! But for the most part- it's who I am and I've learned to just accept that sometimes it will get me in trouble.

Well, a few months ago I bought some fake glasses at an accessory store for a 'How to Host a Murder' party. Somewhere along the line I decided to wear them to work, to play, to anywhere really. (I don't really do jewelry so glasses and hair accessories have become my way to put effort into my outfits) Today was one of those days when I just felt like wearing the glasses to work. I was walking through the mall, which was a bad idea since it's the Saturday before Christmas, and I realized I was rolling my eyes and letting my eyes express my thoughts. Why? well, because on some level I was under the false impression that because I had glasses on, no one could see my expressions. WRONG. They are clear plastic- everyone could see me. After my epiphany I schooled my features and made more appropriate faces to the strangers at the mall. Oh to have a working censor...but then, if I did, I wouldn't have had anything to blog about today and I wouldn't be me.

Sucka'

I just bought a whole album off itunes for one song. So basically I just paid $10 for one song. Wow....but the worst part is, this is not the first time I've done that. I did it one other time (it was a samba that I really really needed). What song did I need so bad today that it was worth $10?? What song could I just not live without any longer?? Please click HERE for enlightenment.

Don't judge me. You know you love this song too.

Thanks to High School

I have to say that I had some pretty phenomenal friends in high school. As I listen to my nieces and nephews talk about their experiences I am ever more grateful for what I had. I mean, I knew I had it pretty good but I guess I didn't realize just how good.


I grew up in Sacramento California where diversity is the norm. I had only a few LDS friends and the rest were of various faiths. But I think it was due to this fact that my friends accepted me and my crazy standards. I was never asked to try anything or go anywhere that would have made me feel uncomfortable. I was never teased or ridiculed for the things I believed. Seriously my friends didn't even cuss in front of me because they knew I didn't like it. It even went so far that after awhile they would correct others for me. "hey, don't say that. Lori doesn't like it". Now how many teenagers do you know who are like that?? I don't know many.


High school can be really hard for a lot of teenagers. My high school experience was pretty painless. Sure I had some bad teachers, I was terrified of boys, and there are always a few mean girls who stab you in the back just because they can, but I got along with most everyone and never felt uncomfortable for being me. I will be eternally grateful for those friends- they helped me along my road to becoming who I am today. They are amazing people and I will forever cherish their friendship during such a pivotal point in my life.

Let's Respect the Bubble okay?

I am a BIG fan of my personal space. I like boundaries. I let very few people cross those boundaries. My bubble is my safe zone. Seriously, I am not joking. There are very few people in this world I will even give a real hug to. Anyway, I like to keep a safe distance from me and basically the rest of the world.

Today however, I had to go pick up some stuff for my mom on my lunch break. I went into Sees Candy- bad idea during the month of December. The lines are Awful. Well, I'm standing in line and I realize there is a middle aged man standing behind me. But not just behind me- he is standing so close to me he is basically on my back. Like a barnacle attached to the Titanic. Being a person who really isn't comfortable with a strange person breathing on my neck I inched forward. What does he do? He inches forward as well. I mean really?! its not like someone is going to rush from the back of the line and slip into the millimeter of space between us. I know I am dramatic sometimes but I'm really not exaggerating. If this man had been any closer I would have been mistaken for Quasimodo.

It's just awkward. I don't like people I know to stand that close to me so why on earth would I want a strange man to do so? The answer is I don't. I think everyone should have to pass a social acceptability test before they are allowed to go out in public.

Get Off!!

When I first saw this picture I just thought it was funny. Then I looked at it again and started to wonder how something like this happens. THEN I realized it happens all the time, and not just with dogs. For our purposes, Lets call the dog on the ground Buster and the dog sitting, Chief.

Things I noticed about this photo:

1. Same kind of dog

2. They are pretty much the same size

3. Buster looks sad and defeated

4. Chief looks like its the most natural thing in the world. It has become so common place that he hardly even notices what's happening.

So my conclusion is that Buster allowed Chief to over power him and be in control. who cares? they are just dogs.

So many times I find myself being "sat on" by other people. People who are similar to me, who are not any better than I am (physically, mentally, or emotionally) and yet, for one reason or another, I allow myself to be intimidated into submission. Not as often as I used to, and maybe not to this extreme but it does happen.

We all make choices to allow ourselves to be put down by people around us. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." We allow it to happen. Sometimes these people do it on purpose, either through subtle hints or blatant put downs. Sometimes they are people close to us who don't even realize they are making us feel "squished". Fact is, Buster is just as great of a dog as Chief but over time or experience he has let himself believe that Chief is stronger and more capable. I have done this so many times. Because of experiences I've had or things people have said to me, I let myself believe that other people deserve more. That it's okay to let people use me and have their way ALL the time. Frankly, its not true. I need to become my biggest fan. Especially when I find myself on the ground being crushed under the weight of another. I need to find my inner strength-and face my "Chief" head on. We were not sent to this earth to act small. Or to allow others to make our decisions or determine how we feel and where we will go in life. We were created equal. We have all been created for greater things and it's time we start acting like it.

Dear Winter

Dear Winter,

Let me tell you why you will never be my one true love.

I Do not Like:
1. being cold
2. Driving in the snow
3. Dry skin
4. staticy hair
5. walking on black ice
6. scraping my windows


Things I do like:
1. holidays
2. hot chocolate
3. layering
4. Christmas lights

As you can see the dislikes out weight the likes and really, you could argue that my #1 and #4 like are pretty much the same. If I am being honest, I really don't mind snow as long as I don't have to drive in it. I think you can be beautiful as long as I get to stay inside by my fireplace drinking hot chocolate. I love sweaters, jackets, and turtlenecks. I love hats, gloves, and scarves. But not for 8 months. I can do maybe 4 and then the fun is over. I know if I had a man to cuddle with I would probably not mind you so much- And I am open to revisit my feelings about you when that day comes. But for now, winter, please don't stay too long and don't be too harsh. okay? okay!

Sincerely,
A cold girl

With a Smile on My Face

What I learned today:

Never verbalize that you are really happy with your life right now. The second you say it, Satan will swoop in and try his hardest to change it. Then you must decide if you are going to let him.

Seriously, within hours of telling my bishop that I was genuinely happy things just sort of fell apart for me...which landed me on my bed with nothing left in me to hold it together. So what do you do when all your stitches break? you cry like a helpless infant.

And now that I have had a good cry, I will pick myself up. Dust myself off and put it behind me. I am happy with my life right now. Yes I'm tired. Yes my life isn't perfect...but it's not bad either. I want to be happy- I like to be the friend who is the solid one that makes everyone smile when they are having a bad day. So that's who I choose to be. That is who I will be tomorrow. Just me- with a smile on my face.

Isn't it about Time?

Its interesting how things happen isn't it? Or I should say, when things happen. I was talking to my mom today-because she's a great person to talk to, and I was reminded of an incident that happened about six years ago. Back when I had to have my appendix out. No, I know what some of you are thinking...its true that my most embarrassing moment is also associated with this trip to the hospital but that is not the topic of my blog today. Perhaps another day.

Anyway, the conversation reminded me of part of a blog I had written just yesterday about the scriptures I was reading. (See Here) Near the end of the blog there is a quote by Hugh Nibley that says, "the miracle is in the timing, not in the event" and it made me realize how grateful I am for the timing of the Lord in my life.

This particular event happened near the end of my fourth year at BYU. I had just finished writing a 15 pg term paper for one of my upper level Political Science classes. (when I say JUST I mean I was literally walking out of my professors office after turning in my paper) On my way home from campus I started to experience some pain in my abdomen. I will skip all the fun parts of this story and just tell you that around 3am I was taken into emergency surgery and admitted to the hospital until later that afternoon. At the time, my apt was on the 3rd floor, try walking up six flights of stairs after having your lower abdomen cut open and restitched. Not fun. I was alone except for when my roommates didn't have class because my family was still living in California at the time. I couldn't even sleep in my own bed because it was too high and I couldn't climb into it without hurting myself.

I was supposed to stay in bed for a week, but after 4 days I couldn't stand it anymore. I almost passed out in the shower and then had my roommates drive me to church where I taught my Sunday school class sitting down (got chewed out by the Sunday school pres later -nice huh) anyway- what I'm getting at here is that it was a really hard week for me. I was restricted to my couch and I was not supposed to do any physical activity for two weeks.

Doesn't sound too bad? two week vacation from school. what's two weeks right? Wrong. This particular semester I had five dance classes in addition to my poly sci classes. And this was 3 weeks away from the end of the term. I missed a mid-term but I had an incredible poly sci teacher who I had taken a class from previously who told me not to worry about it until I was recovered. I also had several dance teachers who could have failed me for not participating but chose to count just coming to class toward my grade. It sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm really not- just illustrating the situation.

What did I learn from all this? Situations can't always be avoided so be grateful for the blessings you get. Blessing #1-I had great teachers who knew I was a good student and took some pressure off me!! Blessing #2- had my surgery been a week later, or even a few days later I would have had to take an incomplete on all my dance classes for the entire term. I would have wasted half my tuition money. As it was, my final exams in two dance classes were 13 days after my surgery. So not having practiced in two weeks I took my tests...I passed but it hurt like crazy...have you ever tried to samba/cha cha/rumba with fairly new incisions? Hip rib isolations are not a desirable post surgery activity. Just saying. Blessing #3- my roommates mom was in town and made me food for the first two days of recovery. Blessing #4- I had double insurance so I only paid $15 for a $16,000 surgery. I would love to complain about having the surgery or not being able to practice for my finals but I can't. I am just grateful I was able to take the finals at all!! That I was able to finish my paper beforehand and that the surgery landed on just the right date to allow me to recover for almost the 2 weeks before having to dance again. Its not the event, but the timing of the event that is the miracle. Big or small I am eternally grateful for the miracles in my life.

Lazy

I really need to stop texting. My grammar is suffering. Usually on my phone I don't really use punctuation- mostly because I have to switch to my other keyboard and its just annoying to do. I'm lazy when I text. But the problem is, it's crossing over into the rest of my life. I keep forgetting to put an apostrophe on my 'its'. what is that?!?! I never miss stuff like that! Oh but I did, my facebook page confirms my laziness in action. Things have got to change-from now on, perfect grammar in my text messaging.

Way to go Einstein

Well...I found the missing prize envelope with my gift certificates in it....and guess what?! my studio recording time expired in September. Nice. way to go me! I LOVE when I do stuff like that. what a waste. That's it- I'm winning again this year, both legit and belt and I'm going to march myself straight in and use the stuff before it all expires. LAME!!!