"Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown"

I have been the relief society president in my singles ward since February and with the calling came a brand new set of feelings. Try as I may to convey these feelings to others, I have come to believe that it is the kind of thing you have to experience for yourself to fully understand. Just a few days ago, I was talking to a friend who had previously been relief society president in a singles ward. We talked briefly and I asked her if she had ever felt the same, like she was friends with everyone but no one at the same time. She confessed she had and sent me a talk given by President Gordon B. Hinckley that perfectly illustrated one of my current concerns.

President Hinckley says in reference to President Richard Nixon, "As I looked at him, I thought of the terrible loneliness of leadership. True he has advisers. he has at his beck and call any number of men with whom he can consult; but when all the chips are down; he has to face the world alone, as it were. His advisers do not face the cannon fire of public opinion. That comes to the leader." (The Loneliness of Leadership, Nov 1969, BYU Speeches) I could not have said it better...no matter how many meetings I have, no matter how well planned, and no matter what I assign out to others- if something falls through , I am ultimately responsible. I am the one who has to answer the questions or face the criticism of the very people I am trying to help. Always, no matter how hard I try or how much sleep I lose, there will still be someone who is unhappy, who thinks that things could have been done better.

My other constant concern is the welfare of the girls in my ward. There are 60 of them and only one of me. Which means that when I'm not at work I am 'in' relief society. As William Shakespeare says, "uneasy lies the head that wears a crown" (King Henry IV, Part II, Act 3, Scene 1, Line 31). Not a literal crown but one of responsibility. There is always a sense of concern and responsibility and at the same time the awareness that most of my concerns are out of my control. There is only so much I can do but so much I am responsible for which can and is frustrating.

Just a few days after I originally read the talk, a member of the stake presidency came and lead a discussion in relief society that struck me. The leader had us turn to Matthew 26:36-40 where we read and account of Christ in Gethsemane. It Reads: "then cometh Jesus with them unto a place called Gethsemane, and saith unto the disciples, sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder. And he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be sorrowful and very heavy. Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me. And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt. And he cometh unto the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, What, could ye not watch with me one hour?" Christ had his disciples with him. He was not physically alone. he asked them to stay awake while he prayed. And in the end, they could not, and Christ, feeling alone, felt the weight of the world. As I sat listening, I remembered the scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 122:8 which says, "The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?" I realized at that moment, that my responsibility is heavy, I am not the only person to ever feel it. Nor will I be the last. Why should I be exempt from feeling loneliness that comes with responsibility? I shouldn't. There are hundreds of examples of prophets and leaders, Job, Abraham, Abinadi, Joseph Smith, Etc., who felt probably greater loneliness in their call to serve. Not that I even come close to those great men but I know that even if no one in my immediate circle understands how I feel, my Savior does. There are lessons I need to learn and things I need to refine within myself. "And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience and be for thy good" ( Doctrine and Covenants 122:7).

My situation is not quite that bad, but its a nice reminder that all things, especially the hard ones, are for our growth and development. As Paul says in Corinthians : "We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed" (cor. 4:8-9). Loneliness comes but we are not alone. We can do all things through the strength of Jesus Christ.