Hello, It's Mr. Nasty

I was talking to my mom the other day, and like I said, she's a pretty smart lady.  I was complaining again and she said to me, "Lori, why don't you write something nice about someone in your blog?"  Jokingly I said, "mom, I write a non-fiction blog."  But then later I started thinking about that conversation and I realized I've been a mean person lately.  I have been short tempered and impatient.  I have been looking for flaws in everyone and myself.  I can honestly say I have not been super proud of myself the last month or so.  I don't know why I have been so crusty.  My only conclusion is that I have been too focused on me.  I admit I've been feeling super vulnerable and slightly threatened the last month.  Not like bodily threatened but emotionally.  So my defense is to get tough.  To pretend I don't care about anything and anyone and it builds and builds and all of a sudden I wake up and realize I maybe have hurt quite a few people in my effort to protect myself from getting hurt.  How is that fair?  It's not.  I hate it.  I have told some friends this before, (and I promise it's relevant)  I would 100% rather get dumped by someone than dump the person I'm dating.  I hate to hurt people.  I know they get over it-but I don't like causing pain for even half a second. 
So then Why? Why do I do it? to protect myself.  It's an automatic defense mechanism and I was thinking I maybe am a little like the Horned lizard. 

"Horned lizards use a wide variety of means to avoid predation. Their coloration generally serves as camouflage. When threatened, their first defense is to remain still to avoid detection. If approached too closely, they generally run in short bursts and stop abruptly to confuse the predator's visual acuity. If this fails, they puff up their body to cause it to look more horny, making it appear larger and more difficult to swallow. At least four species are also able to squirt an aimed stream of blood from the corners of the eyes for a distance of up to five feet. This not only confuses predators, but also the blood tastes foul to canine and feline predators."
1st line of defense- don't be noticed.  If I'm uncomfortable a lot of the time I will just try and get out of the situation.  Avoid it all together.  2nd- if I'm feeling threatened I usually run away and then come back.  Fool proof for confusing people.  If confused enough they will just go away.  The 3rd way-is puffing myself up and pricking people around me.  I make myself seem more important, more threatening.  I am really good at looking unapproachable when I want to be left alone. If you get too close I will prick you and make you uncomfortable.  But sadly the thing I'm best at is not shooting blood from my eye but venom from my mouth.  I can say really mean and cutting things.  you know on you've got mail when Tom Hanks tells Meg Ryan that when you say the exact thing you want to say at the exact moment you want to say it, remorse inevitably follows.  "Hello, it's Mr. Nasty".  well, it is true.  I ALWAYS feel bad.  Sure sometimes it feels great to zing someone...but it doesn't last long.  It just leaves everyone around you with a foul taste. 
So to anyone I may have hurt or offended (they probably aren't reading this blog).  Or to anyone who has had to listen to me for the last month I give you my deepest apologies.  I am going to try to be a nicer person.