Mad Mad World

Tonight I was looking at the underground menu for Jamba juice and I realised that some of their "underground" options used to be, at least when I was in HS and early college, part of the everyday options, flavors such as cherry charger, and orange-a-peel (there were a few others). I started to feel really old- and then I remembered that the last two times I've been to jamba my smoothies have not been as tasty as I remember them being. Every week I used to treat myself to and Aloha Pineapple- well, I got it a few weeks ago and I swear there is just a ton of ice in it now- it was not nearly as rich and creamy as I remember. Then I realized that at some point after I started college the world must have gone mad- Because all of a sudden those yummy smoothies are not healthy enough to sell. Which means they are too healthy for me to buy. If I want something healthy I will make it at home and save my money- I am paying for something delicious- Therefore I am going to stick to the underground menu and leave the world to its madness.

Find what's missing

so...how do you find something that can't be found? I haven't any idea. All my life I have had a love for family and I've known all my life that my family history is something I need to do. To be honest though I was pretty content just studying what had already been found. Kudos to someone along the line because my dad's family history is pretty far back- I think to the early 1600s. And one side of my mom's is done pretty far back as well. HOWEVER- My dear grandfather on my mom's side was the first person in his family to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints so no temple work has been done. To make things even harder- the record only goes back about 3 generations (2 if we are counting only accurate documentation). Unfortunately my grandpa's family is from Dyers burg Tennessee and once upon a time the courthouse containing all the birth, death, and marriage records burned to the ground. So although many have looked for answers several generations have been unable to move beyond my great great grandfather.
Deep down I know that I need to find this line. I have put it off for years because I was in school or the relief society president, or some other worthy time consuming thing- But I can't put it off forever and I feel like now is the time to start working on it...but the problem is I don't even know where to begin. All the websites with records cost money, which wouldn't be a big deal if I knew they were going to help me. I am not complaining- I didn't really expect it to be easy. After all, if it had been easy my grandmother or my sister would have found all the answers by now. That doesn't keep me from getting frustrated though- I just hope that if I'm willing I get a little inspiration to help me find what so far cannot be found- A name.

No more crutches

I am pretty busy and don't have a lot of time to watch television- so when I do get some down time I generally go through the shows I've recorded before choosing anything on live TV. Tonight was one of those rare free nights and I basically had myself a what not to wear marathon. As I was watching episode after episode I noticed a common thread. Over and over the girls on the show kept saying things like, "well when I was in high school people said this", "when I was younger I got in trouble for this" "people will judge me and think I look ridiculous" "I don't want people to think", etc....It occurred to me that so many people hinder their progress and success for the future based on what someone said or did to them in the past. Does that make any sense? To ruin your future because some 14 yr old said something mean to you back before you were even out of puberty. Its not a great time for anyone and its a crutch.
Maybe its not some ghost from the past- maybe you just don't feel good about where you are right now- again I say get over it. Don't blame someone else- do what you have to do to feel better and give up the crutch. Be grateful you have a body and all your parts work. If you spend so much time focusing on what you are not you and the people in your life will never be allowed to realize what you ARE!! And that is So much more important! seriously- stop worrying about what everyone else thinks- its what you think of yourself that matters. Accept who you are, love yourself as you are, and share your gifts with the world!! "Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify the father which is in heaven" Your light can't shine if you cover it with self loathing and doubt- you cannot serve others well if you are only focused on yourself and what you are lacking. Throw your crutches away, stop blaming the world or your past, accept the now and work toward your future.

Past awesome-ness

I have decided I was born at the wrong time. I believe I should have been born late 20s or early 30s. I love vintage clothes, I love swing dancing, and I love big band music, the cars were amazing and people were just more classy- also I love Kay Starr, Louis Armstrong, Etta James...etc. I am not sad I missed out on world war II but everything else is so great about that era I am sad I missed it. If I could go back and visit another time- the 40s would have been my decade. Don't get me wrong, I love all my modern conveniences but there is something to be said for simplicity. The 40s were full of awesome-ness that just isn't around anymore. I guess I will have to be happy with vintage clothing and my itunes playlist.

Obsessed with dreams

I love dreams. I get really excited when I actually sleep well enough to have a dream and even more excited if I still remember it when I wake up. I always try to figure out what my dreams mean- because your subconscious is an incredible thing! I get online and I pull up a dream dictionary and start analyzing. Most of the time I'm surprised how right on the dream analysis is. I love it!
Well the last few nights my dreams have been very vivid. I see faces on everyone and usually they are just a blur. Last night I had another vivid dream- I brushed it off when I got up and decided I would check out the interpretation when I got home from church. And that's just what I did, although in this case my dream dictionary didn't make any sense with what I remembered from my dream. I told my mom about it and she actually came up with an explanation that struck a cord of truth.
After talking to my mom I realized that I should have written this dream down as soon as I woke up because now there are details I can't remember. For instance- I know there were several sentences written in my dream but I can't remember what they said, I just remember reading something. Also there was a person in my dream that although I get his overall significance I can't remember what he was doing or if he said anything in the dream- and it frustrates me because I feel like it might have been important.
its not uncommon for people in my family to have significant dreams from time to time, and I've always been secretly jealous that I never got to have one- but now I see why. when I do have them I don't write them down. But even with my imperfect memory I know what it meant I just am still a little unsure what to do with the information- But I am definitely going to move forward and hope that some how somewhere a sealed door will open. If it is possible I will venture to say that I am even more obsessed with dreams than I was before.

The power of one...

"we are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love him. We will stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things and in all places as we strive to live the young women values which are: faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works, integrity and virtue. We believe as we come to accept and act upon these principles we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple and enjoy the blessings of exaltation."

Every Sunday Young women all over the world recite these words. Once upon a time I was included in that- but it has been nearly a decade since I have given it much thought. Until last week, I was sitting in my Sunday school class, which also happens to be the YW room for another ward, and it drew my attention. Especially "we will stand as witnesses of God at All times and in All things and in All places" and I began to think- Do I really do that?

I came to the conclusion that No- I don't. I know that I should but it is not as easy as it sounds and actually I was much better at it when I was in High school. In high school I was not necessarily the most confident person but I was confident in what I knew to be right- and all of my friends respected it. Not one of my friends even cussed around me or invited me to a sketchy party- they always said, "sorry this isn't your kind of party". No one questioned where I stood or what I stood for.

Today however I cannot honestly say I am as firm in ALL things. I wouldn't say I act against what I know to be true- but I don't always speak up and be a witness for truth. In some ways I have become less confident- and honestly I hate that. I was reminded this morning that our influence on others, whether for good or for ill, is felt and can last a very very long time-in my case over a decade. And I decided that even though I live in the center of many of my same faith we are all at different levels of that faith and I still need to stand firm as a witness of Christ no matter where I am or who I am with. I would be crushed to know that my behavior or lack of conviction silently gave someone else permission to behave as they shouldn't. I would like to always think that my behavior influenced another for good, that it inspired them to reach higher and accomplish more.

Sometimes I feel that I am only one person, I can't really make that big of a difference, and that no one really pays much attention to what I do or do not do. But the fact is- one person can make a world of difference. I know this is an extreme example but Hitler was also one person- one person who influenced a nation. Everyone knows the effects of his choices - I often wonder what the world would have been like if he had harnessed that influence in another direction. Someone with his talent for speaking and persuasion could have done so much good and yet his gifts created a nightmare for so many. If one person can create so much pain-could not one person create just as much joy. I submit that it can be done. Yet so often we doubt our own strength to create change, we diminish our influence and power for good. If we stand as a witness for God in all times, and in all things, and in all places we cannot help but inspire and uplift- We each can leave our mark on the world and I hope to make mine a positive one!